A Mental Fracture

is this thing on?

2010-04-19T19:47:00.003-04:00

holy shit, it's been a long time since i've blogged anything ... i kinda forgot i had this thing and i'm actually a bit hesitant to post seeing as it's been well over a year; however i've been tweeting like mad lately and it's kinda put the mood in me again.

this is obviously going to be a very short post, but i wanted to say i might be back!

jeep trouble ..again! oh, and my new laptop is here. :)

2008-09-10T20:16:00.002-04:00

so, yesterday started out really shitty and if the title of this post isn't any sort of indication, well ... you're either a complete moron or you don't read post titles ... either way, i shall enlighten you.

so, i get ready for work and i head downstairs. i deposit some trash in the dumpster--which will get picked through later by the dundalk vultures--and i hop in my jeep, ready to go grab a coffee and head to work. i turn the key and i get nothing ... huh? i tried again, this time a flicker ... as they say, third time's the charm and my jeep turns over. must have gotten wet, i say to myself. i back out and head to 7-11.

7-11 is packed this morning with the usual dundalkian fare ... from trashy women with mustaches waiting for their rides to bristly old men spilling hot coffee on their hand without so much as a wince or a hiss of pain to the grumpy 7-11 employee who, finally, has started to warm up to me. i just think he wants in my pants. sorry, buddy ... i only sleep with guys who work at mcdonald's!

so, i pay for my shit and hop back into my jeep and try to start it. nothing. not this again! i tried several more times and still nothing. i called my boss; left a message.

me: um, [boss], i am going to be late or not in at all. i know this is a very vague statement, but i'm having jeep trouble and i'm about ready to take a hammer to it. but, i'm calling triple a and i will try and be in asap.

there's a slight snag here ... i don't have a AAA account which, now that i think about it, is a very, very stupid decision on my part, so i called the next best thing ... my father. long story short, he gave me all of his AAA info and i call them up.

woman on the line: thank you for calling triple aaa, mr. [my last name] this is chartrendra speaking, how are you today? author's note: i have no idea if that is really her name. she sort of slurred it and that's what i could piece together. we'll call her char-char.
me: hi char-char. i'm not too good, actually. i'm having trouble with my jeep and i'm stuck at 7-11. i think it's the battery.
char-char: well mr. [my last name] we can send someone out to jump your vehicle or to replace the battery for you.
me: ooh, a replace would be nice if that's the problem.

long story short, i tell her where i am and she says someone is on the way. a few seconds after hanging up with her i get a call from someone else from AAA informing me that battery service doesn't run until 8 or 8:30 (i forget) but they will come out there and jump me. the guy comes out and jumps me, tells me to go to pep boys. i do. it takes about 2 hours for them to replace my battery. i'm not happy. i go to work. i get there at 10:30 a.m. i'm still not happy. i check my comcast email. my new laptop has been delivered to my father's place. i'm happy again.

the rest of the day crept by so fucking slowly in part because i was terrified that someone was going to steal my new laptop sitting out on my father's front porch.

after work i sped to my father's place and made it there in roughly 20 minutes which would normally take 40-45 minutes. i'm lucky i didn't get pulled over or die. i pull into the driveway and i see the computer waiting for me. yay!

i just hafta say, this computer is amazing! it can do so much and i love it. it has a fucking fingerprint scanner! are you shitting me?? i had to program it to read my fingerprints!

in closing ... my jeep sucks, i hate it, but it's fixed now--for how long. i love my computer, it's raw power in a tuxedo black shell! i think later this week i will take over the world. <3

my laptop is a lush ...

2008-08-28T06:18:00.004-04:00

so ... this past week i've found myself in need of a new computer. it's been something that i've needed for a long time as the laptop i have/had was severely outdated and purchased from a friend who knows a guy who refurbs. sounds fishy, right? well, it wasn't. the computer worked fine, but it really couldn't do what i wanted it to do ... well, ok, i'm lying ... it played porn just fine, but i wanted something a bit more.

well, this past weekend i was relaxing in front of the television, drinking a beer and browsing the internet. god damn i'm such a multi-tasker!! so, i had my beer set down on the coffee table next to my laptop and when i reached over--obviously forgetting the beer was there--i knocked the bottle over and spilled a good portion of it right into my laptop keyboard. uh oh. i immediately freaked out.

what if it catches on fire?? what if it burns the apartment down?? where's my escape ladder for my balcony?? what do i save?? (please see post: "i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!")

i immediately sopped up the beer with whatever was handy at the time--my shirt for those who are curious--and shutdown, unplugged and turned the laptop on its side to drain. there it sat--like some horrible recreation of a house of cards, but made with electronics--for hours until i figured it might be safe to turn it on. i did so and my laptop yelled at me.

laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: wha?
laptop: i can haz moar beer!!
me: i sorry. i drinked it all up.
laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: ::slap::
laptop: ::silence::

so, the beeping stops and i come to the log on screen and come to find out, one of the keys i need for my password to log on is non-functional. oh shit. i had the idea to plug in a USB keyboard and got it working so i was able to log in. yay. it pretty much works for the most part, but several keys don't work.

broken keys:

right shift key.
space bar
the number 6 (which when i hit it, it types an 'h')
the letter j
the letter p
the letter e

such random letters, but fun nonetheless. i was planning on blogging a post using the keyboard, but i figured it would be too hard to read.

example:
todayisilldbronmylatoandnowmostofmylttrsdon'twork.thissucks.

translation:
today i spilled beer on my laptop and now most of my letters don't work. this sucks.

so, i called dell and ordered a brand new computer. yay! i've never had a dell before and all i can really remember about the company is that burnout always going "dude ... yer gettin' a dell!" however, this new laptop of mine is going to be pretty sweet--should be for the money i paid for it--and can do a lot of nifty things, including, but not limited to, doubling as a dialysis machine should i need it, act as an iron lung when cigarettes begin to really kill me, and porn.

i can't wait. estimated ship date is september 8th. i shall call him ... jennifer.

so, anyone know anything about dells? did i just fuck myself? i guess time will tell.

"week" in my knees ...

2008-08-27T17:08:00.001-04:00

so, the past week--hell, the past several weeks--has been pretty tortuous and i've been carrying around a fair amount of stress and frustration with work. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this before, but the system i'm working in is going live in 13 weeks, now, and part of my job description dictates that i must make sure that information is set up correctly in said system. well, that's easier said than done when i'm working with complete morons and unreliable people.

for the past two weeks things have been especially trying and we've been working on dicrectory clean-up. what this means is that we have to go through nearly every physician record that we have in our system to make sure they have a contract; the contract is set up correctly; the providers are getting paid and are listed correctly in the global physician directory for their specialty and we had a deadline as of yesterday at noon. all of our other offices had until monday at noon to get anything in to us that still needs correcting and our mailboxes were filled to capacity the past few days with the ginormous influx of data corrections. every one decided that a last minute deluge would be well received by us ... they're wrong.

so, whatever ... you work through it ... what can you do, eh? now, representatives in our texas office claim that they've sent us information corrections and that we've not done them and therefore claim that everything they just sent us within the past day or two is all stuff they've sent us before. this is bullshit. since my start with this company i've worked very closely with those people in the texas office and have never had any problems, but when it's coming down to the wire and shit is hitting the fan, they back away to avoid cast off and push me and others in front of them to catch the detritus. the proverbial "pass the buck" routine you find in almost every office-type setting ... however, they didn't plan on one thing.

ladies and gentlemen, here at work i keep immaculate records of everything i've received, everything i've completed; have yet to complete and i can guarantee you that these last two days worth of "incomplete information changes" are the first time they've been introduced into this office. i've talked with my boss about this and she agrees that they are just trying to get everything in under the deadline and to take the blame off of themselves, it's really easy to say, "oh, but i sent it ... they must not have done it." but as i stated, i keep immaculate records and everything they DID send us was, in fact, not done in our systems, but i know without a shadow of a doubt that we've never seen them before.

anyway, so that's all that's been going on in my life. work, work, work and more work. everyone here is stressed and we can't wait for the madness to be over. i think today we're good, though not sure. gonna be pretty hectic until after the new year.

don't fuck with me fellas ... this ain't my first time at the rodeo. -- joan crawford (faye dunaway), mommy dearest (1981)

don't sty for me, argentina ...

2008-08-14T18:23:00.006-04:00

so, this morning i woke up with--pardon the grossness of this--an excessive amount of eye guk in my left eye. my immediate thought, as i rubbed my eye with the heel of my left hand, was "oh, joy ... pink eye." well, not pink eye, but close enough ... i have a sty in my left eye and it hurts.

i took a little looksee in the mirror and it looks like it may be the result of an ingrown eyelash, though i'm not sure. regardless, my vision has been blurry all day and my left eye has been itchy and irritated and i think i had a headache all day as a result, though the headache certainly may have been brought on by the enormous amounts of stress at work lately. i'm exhausted ... here it is, 6:30 pm and i feel like i've run a marathon and the next 15 weeks are going to probably be just as bad ... you see, the system we're working in is going live in november and all kinks, bugs, glitches, information errors, etc, need to be wiped clean before it does so, so that's why i am--and will continue to be--a busy boy. so, add a sty into the mix and i am not a happy camper.

however, this sty reminds me a funny story. would you like to hear it? here it goes.

back when steven and i were dating we were out and about one day and stopped over at quiznos in odenton, i think, for a quick bite to eat. after lunch, steven wanted to visit the pet store that was in the same little strip mall thing. we walk in and this place looks like a puppy mill ... like, seriously ... you know when you're with a group of people and the subject of pets comes up and there's always that one person who's like, "oh, go rescue a dog from the pound ... don't get your pets from a pet store ... they support puppy mills." well, this is the place they were referring to when they chimed in with that little gem.

so, we're in there and steven and i split off in our own directions. this place was devoid of anything that a sane person would purchase for their pet and i was willing that everything in there was either lead or asbestos based ... there was nothing to look at except sad animals and wal*mart quality squeeze toys, however ... out of the corner of my eye i spotted a large silver cage. curiosity being my better half, i made my way to the urine-smell tinged breeding ground of disease so lovingly housing a white and brown chinchilla which stared at me with death in his (or her) beady little eyes.

DO NOT TOUCH! reads a large sign.

pfft, that obviously isn't for my benefit, so i inch my hand toward the cage ... the chinchilla is staring at me ... so, i inch my hand closer and i feel sudden wetness. what the fuck? i look down and see drops of something on my hand and i am completely confounded ... where did this wet come from? is the ceiling dripping? did i drool in my inhuman desire to touch the forbidden? i wasn't sure ... so, being the intelligent guy that i am, i reach toward the cage once more and i watch in horror as the chinchilla stands up and thrusts his hips at me sending a stream of urine onto my hand. i jerk my hand back and stare in disgust at what i now know is on my hand ... so i did what anyone would do ... i wiped my hand on some merchandise and decide my best option was to move away and pretend nothing happened.

so, i'm looking at the kittens behind the glass wall and i hear steven's voice behind me.

steven: ooh, what is that?

i turn around and see steven next to the chinchilla cage, his face mere inches from the metal bars, he hand poised to poke the little rat.

me: steven, don't touch--
steven: aaaaaah!! ::his hands are over his eye:: aaaah!!
me: ::doubled over laughing:: ... i tried ... ::breathe:: ... to warn ... ::breathe:: ... you ...
steven: that mother fucker pissed in my eye!!
me: ::laughing harder now ... it's hard to breathe ... i think i'm stroking out::
steven: aaaah! ewwwwwww ... ::shudders:: that little fucker! i will kill it!

so, after i became calm ... and then started laughing again watching steven shudder with revulsion, then calming again ... we make our way out of the store ... pretending nothing ever happened. outside, the laughing resumed, this time steven joining in.

fast forward >>
a day or two later steven stopped by the house to see me and when i greeted him i was in shock. i couldn't even see steven behind the ginormous sty that had formed in his lower eyelid of his right eye. it. was. huge. and white ... and pus filled ... it was fucking hilarious!!

ah ... ::relaxing sigh:: that makes me feel better amount my own--barely visible--sty. i laugh every time i remember that incident and it will forever go down as one of my favorite--if not the favorite--steven-related mishaps.

and ... i'm spent. <3

dedicated employee ...

2008-08-13T11:01:00.005-04:00

i'm so dedicated!
today i was awake early and decided, instead of sitting on my ass watching pointless television shows at 4 a.m., that i would be productive and head into work. so i did. i was in by 5 and got a ton of work done by 7. i rock.

normally, i have fridays off ... however, this week i have ... today off ... i know, i know ...

the masses: but, you went into work already this morning!
me: yes, yes i did and i left at 10:30 so i'm putting the time i worked today toward overtime and coming in friday instead, much to the pleasure of my boss who was fighting with herself to ask me to come in friday seeing as several other people are also out then. so, as a favor to her, i'm working a full day on friday.

she loves me.

TAG
so, TAG is going to be out tomorrow and friday and i don't know what i'm going to do without her at work. she really makes the day go by much faster and easier and now i'ma be stuck talking to UTF or other co-workers. don't get me wrong, i get along with my co-workers, but not as well as with TAG.

she's going to "Do-Me" beach ... woot for her. have a great time, TAG, and see you on monday ... don't catch anything while you're there!

this page intentionally left blank ...

2008-08-09T14:46:00.005-04:00

those 5 words ... in that order ... irritate me.

i was at work this morning at 7 am (i'm dedicated!!!) and i was working on some contracts for various doctor's out in texas and i ran across one contract that had not one, but two pages back to back stating only: this page intentionally left blank.

what, in the name of god, is the reasoning behind this? who's the brilliant mind that came up with that idea. is there a boardroom full of people sitting around a conference table and they're going through contracts and one guy ... we'll call him james ... speaks up and asks phil, the guy who wrote the contract, why the pages are blank?

james: hey phil. this contract looks great but i noticed that you forgot to put something on these two pages.
phil: oh yeah, james? which pages?
james: these two pages, phil. ::holds up the two blank pages:: you forget to put contract terms on here?
phil: no, james. those pages were intentionally left blank.
james: oh. well, phil, maybe we should put a notation on there to inform other people who read this contract that these pages were intentionally left blank.
phil: not a bad idea, james. but what could we put on there that would let people reading this contract know that i intentionally left those two pages blank.

silence fills the room as everyone is now brainstorming. susie, who just got back from getting a coffee, sees all the thoughtful looks.

susie: what's going on?
james: susie, we were just going over this contract that phil worked on and he intentionally left two pages blank. i came up with the idea that we should put something on these pages that informs other readers that they were intentionally left blank.
susie: oh yeah? mind if i take a look?
james: no, please do. maybe some fresh eyes will help.
susie: ::after looking at the contract for several minutes:: well, you're right, james. these two pages are blank. ::turns to phil:: you say you intentionally left these blank?
phil: i sure did, susie. i didn't have any information to go on there so i intentionally left them blank.
susie: this is puzzling.
marcus (the new guy): what if we put "we had no information to put on this page" on each of the pages? then people who read it will know that they were intentionally left blank because we had no information to put on those pages.
phil: i like it! i think the new kid is on to something.
james: well, phil ... marcus ... it does have merit, however ... it's too wordy, i think. i would like people reading this contract to know that these pages were intentionally left blank in as few words as possible.
marcus: shucks, you're right, james. that makes sense. ::goes back to thinking::
susie: what if? ... no, no never mind ... that won't work.
phil: no, susie, let's hear it. no ideas are bad ideas in here.
susie: well, i was thinking that if we wanted to let everyone know that these pages were intentionally left blank, we could contact janet down in marketing and have her order a stamp from staples that we can stamp on these pages. it could say something along the lines of, "blank page on purpose," or something to that effect. then we could just stamp it and everyone would know that these pages were intentionally left blank.
james: that's a great idea, susie, however, i'm not sure this is in our budget. we have hawaiian shirt day on friday and we're having lunch catered.
susie: oh, i'd forgotten about that. ::goes back to thinking::
phil: i have it!! ::he stands up and addresses the room, all of whom watch him with rapt attention:: we write: "this page intentionally left blank."
james: i like it! it's says what we mean and in few words! now everyone who reads this contract will know that these pages were intentionally left blank! great job, phil! ::begins to applaud::

soon, everyone in the boardroom is applauding phil and his brilliant idea. the meeting comes to an end and people begin to file out of the room.

susie: ::approaching phil:: hi phil. that was a great idea you came up with ... uh, i was wondering ... do you want to go get a drink sometime?
phil: well, susie. you know that i'm married ... but sure ... why not? maybe afterward we could fuck.

so ... apparently those two pages were intentionally left blank and some trees just died a little inside.

many shades of pissed ...

2008-08-06T06:27:00.002-04:00

so, here it is ... 6:30 a.m. and i'm at work, sneaking on to blog.

i'm so fucking irritated right now, it's virtually unbelievable ... i work with a twat of a co-worker who is probably the single most unreliable person i've ever met at a job. she has no work ethic, she's habitually late, calls out consistently and doesn't really do shit when she is here. i'm sick of it.

my department is split into three regions ... pennsylvania (which covers pennsylvania, of course, parts of new jersey, parts of maryland and random scatterings of other areas), mid-atlantic (which covers maryland and some other areas), and texas (which covers .... guess ... yup, texas!). i work in the texas region with UTF (unreliable twat face) and we have so much work it's crazy. we're actually working in a region that should, technically, have 3 people working in but we split the difference between us ... or at least, that's the ideal setup, however ... UTF has been here 4--maybe 5--months and has probably been out a month of that for various reasons:

sick
car broke down
relative died (times 3)
she fell (which did happen b/c it happened here at work and i saw/heard it ... it was ugly)
car accident

now, the falling thing ... i can understand that ... she fell pretty hard, but some of the other excuses she has used are a bit fishy. example ... her car accident ... it just so happens that 2 days before this 'accident' she informed my friend--and amazing co-worker--TAG (thin and gorgeous) that she had a friend coming into town for a week. well, lookie here ... guess how long it took to recover from this 'accident' ... yup, a week. funny how many coincidences there are in life, yes?

so, now ... with all the work that i already have, we just got an email last night requiring us to do additional overtime that is mandatory. are you freaking kidding me? ugh ...

so, here it is now 10 of 7 and UTF is still not in and her shift begins at 7 ...

my vision is red.

unnecessary meetings ...
to make my work situation even worse, we have two very unnecessary meetings scheduled for today that will waste time that i could be working and catching up on stuff that we are apparently behind on. does it end?

overheating ...
so, this one has nothing to do with my co-worker ...
recently i just had $700.00 worth of work done on my jeep to repair my radiator which was leaking fluid. it was a chunk of money that i really wish i didn't have to part with, however, it was a necessary evil. after the work was done, the jeep ran great!

yesterday, however, i smell antifreeze and i look at the temperature gauge and whatd'yaknow ... it's overheating. are you kidding me?? so now, on my day off, i have to bring my jeep back to meineke and inform them that they didn't fix it. ugh ... fucking idiots!!

so ... needless to say i'm a bit salty today. have a great fucking day, all. peace.

oooh, final edit ...
UTF just walked in the door and sat her fat ass down. get to fucking work, woman!!

that is all.

that birthday party? yeah, it was a drag ...

2008-08-02T11:05:00.009-04:00

so, last night, mrs.twink dragged me to a birthday party which, for all intents and purposes, was a great little shindig, however ... i knew only the people that i came with and then 2 or 3 others who showed up, which, whatever ... no big deal. i was already in the company of the most important people at the party.

so tracy, the birthday gal ... at least i think her name was tracy ... help me out, here mrs.twink ... anyway ... possibly-tracy, the birthday gal, was a sweetheart and i do believe i had met her before at a gathering thrown by the twinks in the past, either new years or a birthday, i really can't remember. usually the twinks' parties turn into a blur of alcohol and food, so it's hard to separate them from one another.

anyway, so the house that this party was in so so cute! and the girl--god help me i can't even remember what letter her name begins with--did a great job with the decorating. 4 floors, including basement and rooftop deck. i hung out for a little bit on the roof with zack and jenny before planting my ass on the sofa next to mrs.twink, where we discussed fascinating topics such as: shear genius, top chef, hell's kitchen and project runway. mrs.twink and i were joking around and she confused me with steven saying that steven was the one who was up doing the robot with her at her wedding reception, when the fact is ... it was me who started it off with her and i was up there for a bit until the entire attendance at the reception started to crowd around and watch and, well ... i was done. so, anyway, i was hurt ... so i made some emo comment about slashing my wrists (/wrists) and i got the dirtiest look from some cow in a black dress. here's an idea, you pig faced sow ... eat. me. raw.

anyway, about an hour and 15 minutes into the party, it was time for mrs.twink and i to depart ... we had a drag show to get to! so, she and i made our way through fed hill on foot to meet jamie, terri and bill at some bar called tight rope or on the ropes or rope walker or ... well, something with the word "rope" in it. jamie. was. hammered. already ... it was a little after 9 pm. oy, that boy.

we hailed a cab and all 5 of us squeezed into this brick oven on wheels, which was ripe with stale sweat and undertones of urine, and made our way to the hippo. long story short, yadda, yadda, yadda ... we're in the hippo, having drinks, chatting and the show is about to begin, so we go over to the dance side to find our tables. mrs.twink and i sat down just in time to catch chaka khanvict perform the opening number, a little madonna tune. i glance over at mrs.twink and her face was that of a woman who suddenly realized her tickets to the "Jesus Saves" revival concert, were actually front row tickets to a public execution. she. was. stunned.

but, as with all of the human race, curiosity always gets the better of us and she watched on, i think waiting for the train to derail and spill human parts.

about halfway through the show this collection of middle-to-late-aged women in skimpy clothing and pasty white skin, begin dancing on a portable pole that was lugged out into the middle of the stage ... (for jamie: sorry for not helping to carry that out there, but honestly ... after seeing what was done with it, i wanted to disinfect just for being in the same room with that thing.) they did this somewhat erotic--and extremely creepy--routine and i think i caught sight of grandmotherly labia. i can't be certain. it may have just been a skin tag. anyway, i think even the straight guys who were at the show found it difficult to watch and i threw up a little in my mouth.

now, don't get me wrong. i have no problem viewing a woman's body and i think women are beautiful, for the most part. i'm not sexually attracted to them (shut up, mrs.twink) but i certainly can appreciate their femininity and kudos to these cougars for being comfortable enough with themselves and getting up there and dancing their wrinkles off. i was just ... disturbed ... and after peering around the room, i certainly wasn't the only one.

there were some great performances and a decent amount of humor from the MC who, at one point, asked mrs.twink if i "popped [mrs.twink's] cherry," to which a shake of the head prompted, "good, because he's gay, honey!"

i could tell mrs.twink was tired, so finally, after an extremely long show--which was a lot of fun and very well put together--mrs.twink and i hopped into a cab back to her place where i got into my jeep and drove home.

fin.

three's company ...

2008-08-01T13:56:00.010-04:00

ok, so i know three posts in one day is a bit over the top. can anyone say "over compensating?" i've got the bug now and i just wanted to blog about this past weekend.

i was lying on my sofa watching television this past saturday, minding my own business, and trying to nap as i had a house warming party to go to later that evening. usually when i'm trying to nap i ignore any and all distractions such as my telephone ringing or someone at my door, but this particular afternoon when my phone buzzed, something possessed me to pick it up and look at it. it was a text message.

text message: this number still work?

it was from my first boyfriend ever, rich, who was also my very first love. i hadn't seen rich in roughly 11 years--closer to 12--and i responded with a "it sure does." a few minutes later i get another text advising me that rich was up from florida and in DC visiting his friend amber. my eyes got big. so i sent a text back.

me: oh ya? what are you up to? i'd really love to see you.
rich: nothing at the moment and i'd love to see you as well.

we chatting a bit through text message--why i didn't just pick up the phone and call is beyond me--and we settled on a game plan and rich took the metro out to greenbelt station, approximately an hour away from me, and i was there to greet him when he arrived. seeing him again, walking across the parking lot toward my jeep, was like a physical blow to my chest.

we'd met a lifetime ago on an online chat engine and several times over the next year or two, we were able to meet in real life at some weekend BBQs hosted by some of the other members of the chatter and we quickly developed a strong friendship which evolved into more. we decided we were going to make it official and began dating. although we now considered ourselves boyfriends, there was one little problem. rich lived in kentucky and i was up in maryland and--to make a long story short--even with frequent visits, the relationship only lasted for about another year and a half to two years and we decided that the distance was too much and we broke up. we kept in touch via the phone and the chatter, but after a while, the chatter kind of died out and then the phone conversations, as with all things, slowly began to ebb until they were virtually nonexistent.

about 4 years ago, i found rich's number and gave him a call, surprising him. lines of communication opened again and we chatted fairly frequently. i was dating steven at the time and i'm a completely monogamous person so i never thought of rich in that romantic context while i was with steven and the issue never came up. once again, however, our phone calls faded and then stopped altogether.

now, though, after seeing him again this past weekend ... every single emotion i've ever felt for rich ... every feeling i've ever had for him, came rushing back in a single monumental lurch and i knew then, as i looked at him on the drive back to my place, that i was done letting him slip through my fingers. we've had a few chances in the past to be together, but one thing or another prevented us and i'm done.

i've come to realize that i do love rich with all of my heart and i want to be with him and no other and i will do whatever it takes to have him in my life. i want to get a house with him ... i want to grow old with him. rich was my first love and i want him to be my last.

i'm sorry. i'm really not used to talking about my emotions like this, so please forgive if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. i'm usually the bitter, cynical fella, but rich just evokes a softer side in me ... a more emotional side.

a few days ago i decided i'd lay it all on the line to rich and tell him how i feel, though i tried tactfully to not scare him off. he seemed very receptive to my words and to my statement of "i want to be with you," he replied that a long distance relationship would only be a temporary fix, which to some might seem like a more negative response, however, the way he said it gave promise to the possibility of us living together.

i would love for rich to move up here to maryland to be with me. there are some really nice town homes that i think we'd be very happy in and i have so many friends up here, along with my family, that i would hate to move away. while i know that rich also has a lot of friends down in florida, his family is in ohio which would mean he would be closer to them if he was up here and he would already have another friend in the area too, as amber is in DC. obviously i haven't reached the point yet where i talk to rich about moving. i understand things need to be taken slowly, but i do know that my feelings for him won't change. i love rich ... i've always loved rich.

omg, i'm so sappy! i've half a mind to not post this ... but that would be unfair to rich and myself and you all. this is another side of me you get to see that, i'm pretty sure, i haven't shown yet.

FAQ

2008-08-01T09:05:00.008-04:00

i'm writing a little FAQ (frequently asked questions) to help you all understand my absence and my subsequent return.

where the fuck have you been?
whoa ... whoa ... simmer down ... let's not start this thing off with swearing. for your information, i've been around ... just not online much.

why not?
well, if you've read my previous post, i explain why i was gone.

i've read it, but it's not good enough. sounds like a lame excuse to me.
hmm. you're an asshole. lame or not, it's the excuse i give because it's the truth. with this new job i'm uber busy all day and really don't have time to blog, coupled with the fact that everything we do on the internet is monitored and nearly every site that is for entertainment purposes is blocked. we can't even view job recruitment websites unless it's for our own company.

what can we expect from you now?
well, that's a good question. i'm going to try my best to blog as much as i can. i have fridays off now so it--hopefully--won't be a problem for me to log on real quick and post something.

we've heard that before.
that's not a question.

we've heard that before? is that better, asshole?
hmm. you're in a mood. anyway ... yes, i know i've said that i am going to try and be on more and blog more and all that jazz, but this time i think i might be able to follow through with my declaration.

what makes this time any different?
well, when i tried to log on this morning to blog i realized that i'd forgotten all of my login information and i therefore spent the better part of an hour trying to figure all that shit out. i would attempt to recover my password only to find out the email i was using was either completely invalid or not associated with gmail or blogger. so, i had to figure out which email i used then had to figure out which password--of the many that are floating around in my head--that i used. it was very frustrating but i stuck it through to the end and i figured it out. now, does that sound like something i would do if i was just going to be flippant about this whole thing?

what does flippant mean?
means frivolous or not taking this seriously.

ok, thank you. moving on. what can we expect in terms of blog content?
see, now that's a good question. i plan on returning to my old sarcastic--

yeah, we like that.
um, can i finish without being interrupted, please?

oh, yeah ... sure, i'm sorry.
anyways ... i plan on returning to my old sarcastic, witty and bitter ways. i know of at least one or two people who will be happy to have me back, but i can't speak for everyone else. they won't even know i've blogged unless they have me on an RSS feed.

that kinda sucks.
in the form of a question, please.

oh for fuck's sake! that kinda sucks?
yes, yes it does.

what's that smell?
what smell?

hey, i'm the one asking the questions here! you don't smell that?
no, i really don't.

oh, maybe it's just me. anyways, so, when can we expect your "sarcastic, witty and bitter ways," as you put it?
not sure yet. i'm a bit rusty so i'll need some time to get back into the swing of things.

ok, well, one last question. are you glad to be back?
i am and i've missed everyone and i will try and be better this time and post blogs more frequently. i'm sorry--

yes, yes, we know ... you're sorry. i have no more questions for you. goodbye!

::peeks head in through door:: hello? anyone here?

2008-08-01T08:51:00.005-04:00

wow ... almost 5 months ... that's just crazy ... or lazy, your choice.

ok, so before anyone starts berating me for my lack of blogs over the past few months, lemme just get my excuses out of the way now.

i have a new job where every single thing we do on the internet is virtually monitored and i, therefore, cannot blog from work like i could with my last job. pretty self-explanatory, yes?

the masses: but you can blog from home!

true ... true, i could ... but do i ever feel like it? no, and here's why ... i sit in front of a computer for 10 hours a day ... i get home and the last thing i even think about it turning on my computer. however, with the recent fuel crisis (yes, i think it's a crisis ... i mean, who wouldn't?) and the summer days, i've been given the option to work a 4-day work week, which. i. love.

so, it's friday ... i'm at home, not at work ... and i figured i'd try to get back into this blogging schtick.

the masses: yeah, we've heard that before!

i know, i know ... i'm a horrible, lying, flaky person, but here's the thing ... it just took me over an hour to get all my login information for this blog and do you think i would honestly expend that much energy and time on something i really didn't think i would follow through with? i seriously will try my best!

i can't believe i'd forgotten all my log info. i couldn't even remember the gmail account i used for a mental fracture. that's sad. i would blame it solely on my inactivity, but i think my hostory of drugs may be rearing it's ugly head and i'm developing early onset alzheimer's. someone shoot me if i start pissing and shitting myself. mrs.twink, i give you that task.

in closing, please forgive me for my absence ... i think it was a needed break for me. they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i think my extended hiatus was necessary to be back into the blogging mood and have a fresh outlook on things.

child molesters hide behind frozen treats ...

2008-03-10T18:10:00.003-04:00

there's a creepy ice cream truck parked outside my apartment.

DST, lunatics and cadbury creme eggs

2008-03-09T09:59:00.010-04:00

i promised jamie that i would try and blog close to everyday, even if it's just a quick rant or one of my usual extremely long "short post"s.

today, i talk about losing sleep, waking to the sounds of a raving lunatic and easter candy ...

well, last night before bed i turned my clocks forward like a good lad. the government has decreed, originally for the farmers, that we need all the daylight we can get! started in 1918, DST was a huge hit! so huge, in fact, that it was repealed in 1919 for it's unpopularity. seriously? no shit! i don't mind it so much in the winter ... but in the summer? what the buck, chuck ... why should i lose an hour of sleep during a night where i'm lucky to get 6 anyway ... bleh! so, after it was appealed, it became a local option and places like massachusetts and rhode island opted to continue it. i always knew those people were fucked in the head.

i wish it were still a local option, but narrowed down to individual housing. shit ... next year ... i'm getting my hour of sleep!

anyway, if DST fascinates you as i am sure it undoubtedly does ::sarcastic face:: then check out:

http://webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/b.html.

it's a cool informative site with a really neat interactive menu and gives you all the details on DST and the fuckheads who started it. that is all.

moving on ...
so, definitely feeling my 4 hours of sleep when i woke up today, i peered through half-shut eyes to the television--the object of my awakedness--where a man with a tremendous propensity for screaming and praising the lord (much like sam kinison did?) spoke in one of those really cheesy, bad movie type of preacher voices ... you know, where the last word in the sentence is raised a few decibels and said through nearly clenched teeth. now, i think i've said it before, but for the sake of clarification, i'll say it again ... watching those religious behemoths spout off is very nearly akin to watching a train wreck for me. i'm not very religious--i bet you couldn't tell!--but i do love to watch these people lose their shit on national television and this guy did just that. at one point, he reminded me very much of paula abdul in one of her "i'm not an alcoholic"-incoherent babbles on american idol.

paula: i love your colors ... they're so ... and they ... lots of colors. bright, shiny .... baubles of talent ... you shine ... you really, really shine ... i love your colors.

seriously paula, lay off the quaaludes and pick up a bible, girl! so, this guy today--god i wish i would have gotten his name--is going to town on jesus being crucified on the cross and he makes a statement and i know i'm going to get it completely wrong, but it was something to the effect of: "jesus died for our sins on the cross but it wasn't enough," and then he claims that what he just said is verging on blasphemy. oi. a self-hating church man ... must be catholic. oooh, did i just go there? i sure did! i'm catholic, so deal. ANYway .. so after this, he breaks into song, but he's half singing it, half saying it and on one section, he goes into full vocal range and belts it, but then starts crying ... or fake crying, whatever the case may be, and i'd had enough so i turned the television to "SpikeTV" and watched 'Sniper 2' with tom berenger for about 5 minutes before i decided i'd rather watch the jesus freak shout at me.

moving on ...
so, it's getting close to the time of the year when disgusting chocolates make their re-emergence into everyday society. and in case you have no idea what i am talking about, i refer to the vile ovules of turd-acular delight straight from satan's anus ... cadbury creme eggs. this is diabetic shock in a thick chocolate shell. mmm, let's buy in bulk!

i remember as a child seeing this amazing thing called a creme egg. what is it? a chocolate egg? with sweet cream in the middle?! you must be joking! you're not? i have to have one! so, i trundled along behind my father to the grocery store and after shopping, we ended up in the 'parent's worst nightmare' aisle (which i've noticed is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be) filled with teeth rotting yummy goodness that causes kids to have seizures and lay on the floor kicking and screaming: "I WANT CANDY!!!!!!"

so, i plead with my father to buy me one of these ... creme eggs ... and not just a creme egg, but a cadbury creme egg. i forget how old i was, but not yet old enough to have an allowance that i might use to purchase this nugget of delight.

me: but, dad, it's got chocolate on the outside.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, and, and ... it's got cream in the middle.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, it's got, um ... it looks like a yolk. ha ha, look dad, see how funny that looks. ::points to picture of display::
dad: ::barely glances over:: yup.
me: ha ha, that's funny right? yeah ... funny ... so, can i get one? i promise not to eat it now and spoil my supper.
dad: ::looks at me ... i think with the intent of wanting more to sweeten the pot::
me: i promise i'll shut up.
dad: ::looks to the cashier:: i'll take a dozen.

so, the ride home was the worst ever! here i was in possession of this magical delight wrapped in foil ... it was so close ... oh, man, i just wanted a nibble ... just one, small, taste of it's chocolaty and creamy perfection. i flew through dinner, eating everything in sight in a matter of seconds.

me: may i be excused?! ::zoom! out the door!::

outside my friends were already gathered and i walked to them and when i got close, i pulled forth this object of holiness ... a white nimbus surrounding the foil ... glinting off the textured surface.

me: behold ...
friends: ::collective gasp::
me: i give thee ... cadbury.

and with that declaration i begin to slowly ... fondly ... carefully pull back the foil protecting the joy inside. there it was ... my 'red rider bb gun' .... oh, my mouth was watering ... i inspected the surface ... no imperfections at all. it was beautiful. i brought it to my mouth ... gently placed my tongue on the surface to taste the chocolate. delicious! i took a bite ... the thick, sweet cream bursting into my mouth and onto my tongue.

me: ugh, this tastes like shit! ::throws it on the ground::

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the day my youthful exuberance died and my cynicism began. thank you cadbury easter bunny.

cadbury easter bunny: bok, bok, bok, bok.

oh, and for the record ... i hate peeps too! marshmallow covered in a pound of colored sugar with eyes drawn on with a sharpie marker. ick!

the prodigal blogger returns ...

2008-03-07T18:43:00.004-05:00

first, let me extend my deepest apologies to my friends and fans who have not been given the pleasure to read my obnoxious drivel for ... wow ... like a month. it's amazing how time flies.

i've been extremely busy the past month with my new job, trying to learn the ins and outs, and basically find my groove and become comfortable with these new systems i'm working in. i have so much work that when i get home, honestly ... the last thing i want to do is blog. however, i figured it was time that i get back into my blogger mode and bore you all, yet again, with my nonsensical goings on.

when we last left our hero, he had uncovered a munchkin amidst his coworkers in the guise of a decrepit smoker who has an affinity for using the men's room. while that has not changed and she continues to utitilize the facilities of the opposite sex, our hero has discovered a strange new figure among his healthcare brethren, one that bears a striking resemblance to a past acquaintance ...

ladies and gentlemen, you will be happy to know that i have the privilege to work with the good mother, version 2, though not nearly as severe as the O.G. good mother. this one doesn't drink coffee ... she's cautious about what she eats, however, she smokes like a fire and nearly quoted the original good mother verbatim with "it's my body," when SBW (please refer to previous post) commented on her smoking while pregnant. however, this good mother cannot be more different than the original in all aspects, save the smoking. this GMv2 is funny, smart, cute and most definitely NOT white trash.

so, i'm on the phone with jamie as i type this and i think he is on something, though i can't imagine what drug could possibly affect jamie as he is, already, a bundle of energy and excitement. anyway, he's on his way to go pick up terri to take her to "rent" and he was asking what the show is about.

me: no money and aids.
jamie: you mean hiv.
me: no, they fast forward through that. goes straight from dick sucking to aids.
jamie: oh, kinda like an 'easy-bake oven.' you stick your dick in and five minutes later you come out with aids.

i fucking love him.

anyway, jamie has distracted me to the point that i cannot remember anything i wanted to blog about, so i will have to get back to everyone in another blog.

so, i just wanted you all to know that i am back and i WILL be blogging and catching up on my reading. i'm not reading any tonight, sorry folks, i'm beat. so, to those who tagged me, i will get to them. i promise!

love you all!

gaydar, southern black woman and women in the men's room ...

2008-02-13T19:28:00.007-05:00

well, my gaydar went off today ... more on that in a few, however. i first have to start off by saying that gaydar is apparently not limited to people of the faganese persuasion. this morning i was totally called out and it was quite funny how it happened, actually.

i work with a woman, we're going to refer to her as southern black woman or sbw. well, sbw stopped by my desk this morning at about 7:15 am and informed me she had a present for me. she produced this bottle of "vege," i think it's called and what it is is a vegetable juice purchased from whole foods. it has about 10 different vegetables in it and has 200% or vitamins a & c and earlier in the week i had commented on it while sbw was walking around with it. since we apparently shared a love for vegetable juice, she decided to pick one up for me and let me try it. it was very sweet of her. well, topics of veggie juice turned to dining and ultimately southern cooking and wines and deserts and we must have chatter for about 45 minutes before we finally settled in to work. as i turned to my computer to begin browsing our sharepoint for provider issues to resolve, i hear this tiny little knock on my cube and i turn to see sbw standing there. she gestures to her hair:

sbw: i gotta get patti labelle under control, child! ::and she begins to run to the bathroom. i'm laughing hysterically at this for her hair, in fact, had a very labelle-esque upswing::

she comes back a few seconds later and throws me a smirk.

sbw: this ain't no coming out, party, honey ... this is work! ::she winks::

she knows. at least i'm pretty sure she knows, but i'm not worried about that. no. no ... i'm currently at conflict as i'm not sure whether to point out that diana ross is the one who sang "i'm coming out." i don't. but, apparently her and i have a lunch date next week at some mexican joint down the road from where we work. that should be fun.

ok, now back to my gaydar. let me set the scene.

i was at my desk, minding my own business when i felt this buzzing at the base of my skull. i know this feeling ... my gay sense is tingling. i push back from my desk and stand up and walk to the water cooler when i spot him ... mr. gay #2. he's a nice looking man, dresses sharply and smiles a lot. it's very endearing. now, throughout the day i noticed him making frequent trips past my cubicle and finally at one point, when i was getting some papers from the printer, he comes over to me.

mr. gay #2: what is your name? i tried to see if you had a nameplate yet, but you don't.
me: oh, i wasn't born with a name. i'm nameless ... everyone just calls me 'hey you.'
mr. gay #2: ::laughs::
me: i'm geoff.
mr. gay #2: oh, i'm [name].
me: nice to meet you. ::i smile::
mr. gay #2: nice to meet you too, geoff, but i'm going to call you 'nameless' from now on.

and sure enough, throughout the rest of the day, he'd smile and call me nameless. i want to stab him. just kidding.

ok, so today i also found the office freak. there's this woman, she's got to be in her late 50's to early 60's, who i spied coming out of the men's room. odd. later, she was outside when i went out and, being the gentleman that i am, i said hello. now, i expected her voice to be this raspy, 100-year-old smoker's voice, but instead it sounded like a munchkin from 'the wizard of oz.' it was very freaky. later, mr. gay #2 and i were conferring and apparently she uses the men's room quite frequently. maybe she's really a dude. i just think she likes to poop in our room. who knows? but i thought i'd share that little gem of office freakishness. fun!

"i'm a hard workin' man, i'm a sonuvagun ..."

2008-02-12T17:45:00.001-05:00

well, lookie who has decided to post a blog! that's right, it's your friendly gayborhood blogger, geoff!!

wow, this past week has been a bit crazy. as per my last blog entry, you all know that i got a new job mere minutes after my interview.

on a side note in reference to the very quick turn-around time on this:
i've been asked by numerous people if they were really hard up for help and that's why they hired me so fast. while i understand that this could have been a valid reason, it's still a low-blow, regardless. however, i'm here to set the record straight and the answer to that question is: no, they're not hard up for employees. in fact, they had temps in my position before i got there as well as a few others working in other sections of this department and today was their last day. while i am extremely happy that this is not happening to me, i do feel a bit of remorse for them as i just went through that, basically. so they had the spaces filled and weren't scrambling for employees. this is a very big company that is growing like a weed and soon we'll rule the world!!! ::maniacal laughter ensues::

so, anyway, lemme tell you a little bit about what i am doing. following along the lines of trizetto--my previous employer--i am still working in the health care field which i have been doing for almost the past 11 years, ranging from CNA (Certified Nurse's Aide) at a nursing home in the alzheimer's unit, to working with abused and neglected children, to the more businessy side of health care. as with trizetto, i'm working with medical insurance, however, instead of working with patient information and databases, i'm working on the provider side of the avenue. my title is PDM Specialist, or provider data management specialist, working with various doctors and affiliates and enrolling contracts into our health care network while correcting or adjusting old contracts still within our network. it's all very boring stuff that i'm sure you don't want to hear about, however, let me just say that i love my new job.

the atmosphere is very laid back and i work in an amazing office building with 30 foot ceilings, spacious windows, exposed beams and brick ... it's very airy and open and i certainly do not feel confined while sitting in my cubicle. the people i work with, so far, have been very gracious and welcoming and very helpful with answering any questions i may have. i'm working with an entirely new system than what i am accustomed to, however, by friday--day three--i was all but flying through work assigned to me. i also work about three cubes over from a girl i worked with at trizetto, so that was cool. i already knew someone there. and! and! and! i found out today that daisy dyke has submitted her resume at this place so that would be wonderful if she got the job. out of all the people i miss at trizetto, i miss her the most.

so far i haven't met any colorful characters to blog about or, in my opinion, that would make for interesting blogging material. they're all pretty normal, actually, and that's kinda nice for a change.

in closing, i apologize for my lack of attendance lately and my lack of blogs. one of the downsides of this new job is that we're not permitted to use the internet for personal use at any time, even during breaks, nor are we supposed to get personal emails while there. i don't feel this detracts from my day, though, as i am constantly busy and the day is over before i even realize it. today i didn't even realize that i hadn't used my ipod until i packed up for the night and saw it sitting there, ibud cord still wrapped around it. "oh."

i will try and blog more often when i get home from work ... assuming there's anything to blog about. thank you all for the congratulatory greetings and best wishes. it means a lot and i thank you very much!

... new beginnings.

2008-02-01T16:12:00.001-05:00

well, as many of you know i had a job interview today at 2:30 and due to my nerves, i was awake at 6:30 this morning, though i think that is largely in part because that's when i've been waking up for how ever many months. so, i drank coffee all morning and tried to play my xbox, but i just couldn't focus.

so, fast forward a bit ... i arrive at the location for my interview about 30 minutes early ... no, it wasn't because i was nervous ... it's because this place is almost literally right down the street from me. it took me all of 10 minutes to get to this place and think it only took that long because of the rain.

so, anyway, i go in and they put me in this bland, white-walled room that contains only a table and some chairs. nothing on the walls ... no other furniture. if there was a large mirror on one wall i'd honestly think i was involved in some sort of police sting where they lure you in with tales of lottery winnings and/or job interviews. thankfully, however, there was no two-way mirror on the wall.

my interviewer comes in and she asks me all the standard questions.

what's your best attribute? etc ...
"my eyes ... oh, and my pouty lips," i say with a smirk. ok, so that really wasn't my answer.

anyway, so there were about 15-20 questions and at the very end she asks me, "so, why should we offer you this position?" i answered without a pause and said, "because i will not disappoint you and i will get the work done."

overall i think the interview went well and i think it was obvious that i was nervous because she make a comment about it, saying, "you have nothing to be nervous about." i left there with mixed feelings ... unsure whether or not i got the job. bleh.

so on the way home i stop at 7-11 to get some cream for coffee and i see a girl i know and haven't seen for a while so her and i start talking and after about 5 minutes, i get back into my jeep and continue home. now, right before i got to 7-11 i was on the phone with terri and when my phone started ringing again after i left 7-11, i figured it was her. i answered without looking at the name. here's the conversation:

voice: may i speak to geoff?
me: this is he.
lee ann: hi, this is lee ann from [company name].
me: oh, hi. how are you?
lee ann: i'm good, how about you?
me: i'm great, thank you.
lee ann: well, geoff, the reason i'm calling is that i just talked with cara (she's the one who interviewed me) and she asked me to call you ::my heart sinks. they only call this early if you bombed the interview:: and she wanted me to offer you the position.
me: ::stunned silence:: oh, that's great! ::i finally blurt out::
lee ann: yes, when can you start?
me: as soon as possible.

so, ladies and gentle-readers ... i went into that interview, confident, assured and i apparently blew them out of the water! i mean, how often do you get called with an offer a mere 20 minutes after the interview? i wasn't even home yet! i immediately got this huge cheesy grin on my face and i've been smiling since!

i honestly think the thing that impressed her most was toward the end of the questions, she kinda giggles a little bit and goes, "ok, don't laugh when i ask this question because i have to ask everyone," and all i can think of is some sort of sexual harassment question so of course i'm thinking "i'm gay! i'm gay! i'm gay!" however, her questions did not pertain to anything of that nature.

cara: say i came up to you ::my mind is still thinking "i'm gay!":: and i need a county for an area but all i have to go on is a zip code. could you find it for me?
me: ::without a moment's hesitation:: absolutely.
cara: ::seemingly taken aback a bit at my quick response:: how would you get that information for me?
me: usps.com.
cara: ::a big grin lights up her face:: you're the first person out of my interviews who has given me that answer. you'd be surprised how many people don't know the answer to that question. very good.

it seems silly, but i think it impressed her.

so, i start wednesday and i get paid significantly more than my previous position and this job is permanent ... full time ... with benefits! it's a new company and they are expanding exponentially so there will be lots of room for growth, both with the company and its employees.

i can't even begin to describe the level of excitement i am feeling. i am completely floored, stunned, ecstatic, elated, relieved, and many many more adjectives! i feel like a ginormous rock has been lifted from my shoulders as not only will i be able to pay my rent ... with my salary increase, i'll be able to buy stuff for my place!

thank you to everyone who expressed good wishes and luck to me. it is very much appreciated!

bittersweet endings ...

2008-01-31T15:31:00.000-05:00

as i write this post, i have less than an hour at this job and i've got mixed feelings about that. while i am glad to be leaving a place that doesn't value their employees--a place that won't fight to keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones--i'm also a bit sad as i've made a number of friends here in the 8 months that i've been employed at this location.

daisy dyke sent out an email yesterday asking if anyone would be interested in going to happy hour after work today. she told me she did this and i expected maybe 5 people to respond. well, apparently half the office plans on being there tonight and that makes me feel really good. throughout the day today i've been receiving emails--not those chain letter bullshits i usually get--wishing me well and telling me how wonderful it was to work with me; words of encouragement. i hate to admit it, but i think i teared up a couple of times. i really didn't expect any sort of outpouring such as that and it makes me feel good. nearly everyone, if not all, commented how i was able to bring a smile to their face at a place they really didn't feel like being ... how i could make them laugh.

i've always been a firm believer in that if i can brighten one person's day throughout the course of my own, then i've accomplished my own personal mission. i truly love to make people smile and it does my heart good to know that i've touched as many people here as i have ...

oh boy ... i sure hope HR doesn't read that last line!

so, the next time i manage a post at work, i'll have new people to write about and new stories to tell. hopefully i will keep up with the blog as well as i think i've done while here, as most of my postings were made while on the clock!

thank you to all the wonderful and colorful people i've had the pleasure to work with over the past 8 months. it's been real!

quick update

2008-01-30T08:42:00.000-05:00

i totally meant to post about this yesterday when i got home from work, but i got to doing other things and i forgot.

yesterday i kinda bitched about not getting any call backs from any of the resumes i submitted and i had submitted 3 more yesterday--all to the same company ... 2 for specific positions and then 1 general submission for anything i might be qualified for--and at about 4 p.m. i get a call on my cell phone. i don't recognize the number but i answer it because hey, it may be a call about my resume. i wasn't disappointed when i picked it up and heard a sweet voice say, "may i speak to geoff [last name]?" i knew then it was a callback. yay!

so, i have a job interview on friday at 2:30 p.m. for a claims specialist with this company! wish me luck! i will definitely keep you updated as to my progress.

also, today a funny thing happened. i got called into the big boss' office and she was asking if i was putting my resume out. i nodded and told her i had a job interview on friday and she congratulated me as well as wishing me luck. however, her next words made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

big boss: i really hate that we're letting you go. i really think this is only a lull and i'd really like to have you back here on a permanent basis and if it were up to me, you wouldn't be leaving at all.

i dunno if she was only blowing smoke up my ass, but someone told me that she never says stuff like that to anyone ... that she wouldn't even piss on you to save your life if you were on fire, so for her to make a comment like that means that she is definitely impressed with me. however, my take on that is ... if you are so impressed with someone and they do a great job at work, then you work around budget issues and you keep that person and get rid of one of the many fuck-ups who don't do anything worthwhile in the company. but that's just my opinion. obviously, i'm not a CFO.

words are nice ... actions are better.

"and now for my next trick .... nothing up my sleeve ..."

2008-01-29T10:48:00.000-05:00

this will be a short post today. i know that i haven't posted in a few days, but i have other things on my mind at the moment, so i apologize.

yesterday
yesterday, on one of my breaks, daisy dyke and i were outside having a cigarette when old skool showed up. if you're unfamiliar with old skool, she's the one who related the story of her cousin--or some relative--who stabbed her cheating hubby/boyfriend with a stiletto heel. anyway, so apparently yearly reviews came up at work and everyone is on edge as it is with all the lay offs that are going around like the plague. well, apparently old skool didn't receive a very promising review and thus had this to say about the woman who reviewed her ...

old skool: she can bite my click ... and i ain't no lesbian!

i think she meant to say 'clit' but damn, that was funny and i choked a bit laughing.

today
daisy dyke and i were out having a cigarette this morning and we're out there for about 5 minutes just chatting and whatnot when daisy stretches and i see this huge lump on her arm and was just about to ask what the hell that was when daisy screams:

daisy: what the fuck is in my sleeve?!

she reaches up inside her sleeve and gets a hold of whatever is in there and starts to pull it out. it ended up being a large washcloth and i completely lost it ... to the point that i was crying and having trouble breathing and i think i snorted a few times. she looked like some sort of magician pulling a line of hankies from her sleeve. it was damn hilarious (though i have a feeling this may be one of those 'location appreciation' jokes and you 'had to be there.') i was waiting for her to pull a rabbit out of her ass. oh ... good times ... good times indeed.

update
i talked to my contracting agency today and as of yet they don't have anything lined up for me after this contract ends. i'm a bit perturbed about this and the fact that i've heard nothing back from the numerous resumes i have submitted to various positions within various companies. ugh! i can't afford to be out of work and this is coming at a bad time. oy. i need to quickly get my taxes done so i can get something back soon.

i'm irritated and stressed beyond belief right now!

how is everyone else doing? hopefully good. has anyone ever gone to work with something else inside their clothing? i had a sock in my pant leg one time that i pulled out and got quite a laugh from co-workers at my previous job. anyone else?

just an observation ...

2008-01-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

i like to think that i'm a fairly decent judge of character, though i do have my moments where i make a bad call ... i know, i know ... thank god these are infrequent. however ... i would like to tell you all about mark ... the 7-11 worker who covers the night shift.

if you've been reading my blog for a while, you will remember that i generally post about my [coffee bitches] and/or the locations that i stop at before work. well, this is a resurgence.

being as there are no dunkin' donuts or starbucks around where i live--or at least none that i've found--i've been forced to buy coffee from a convenience store. while this may not seem bad to some people, my palate is thoroughly disgusted with me and has threatened to leave. but i digress.

so, every morning i go into 7-11 where i usually run into mark and debbie and while debbie is a complete sweetheart, mark is her polar opposite. it's not even that he's rude, but he never seems to be having a good morning or at the very least, didn't have a good night.

me: good morning!
mark: is it? ::snidely::
me: i guess not ...
debbie: good morning. ::big smile::
mark: ::mumbling under his breath as he makes coffee:: good morning to some people.
me: ::ignores him and makes coffee::

i go up to the counter and pay for my purchases and as i go to leave i tell them to have a great day.

debbie: you too!
mark: yeah. ::snidely::

i have a distinct feeling mark is not happy with his job.

so, because of this, i'm on the verge of never getting coffee there ever again. i've seen those videos where disgruntled employees pee in a coffee pot ... am i drinking caffeinated urine? god, i hope not ... but now that that image is in my head ... i'm terrified of him. he's the guy that will pull out an ak-47 from the 'spicy bite' cabinet and mow everyone down, chanting gleefully, "oh thank heaven!"

when i talk with him he says things that, to my ears, makes no sense whatsoever, but he cackles at them as if he just farted in church and someone else got blamed. as he talks with me, i try and figure it out, but i can't tell if he's got all his teeth--i don't think he does--and he vaguely reminds me of those gold miners sucking on their gums while panning for nuggets in a river bed you see in old movies and/or cartoon representations. "thar's gold in them thar hills!"

i'm sure he's a nice guy when he's in his element, but i have a feeling his 'element' includes dueling banjo's and skinning a human alive, so i think i'd rather just see him in his 7-11's finest and be done with it.

cynicism in 2008 and "it's stuck in my head ..."

2008-01-24T15:51:00.000-05:00

cynicism in 2008
so, a couple of weeks ago i get this email--on myspace of all places ... i could rant about myspace right now, but i don't have the strength--from this guy who says he found my profile on match.com and then subsequently on myspace ... he found me really interesting and wanted to talk to me.

well, that should be flattering, yes? however, my first thought, of course, was "stalker?" whatever, stalkers are people too! so i replied and we chatted a few times via email but he became really insistent on talking on the phone. i explained to him that i'd rather chat through email more before we progress to the phone and also that i had been on the phone numerous times that week on conference calls, etc, and the last thing i wanted to do was talk on the phone.

anyways, long story short, i finally give him my number and he called me the other night and the one thing that really sticks in my head from our conversation was his remark, "your match.com profile was really cynical, wasn't it?"

so, that just begs me to ask the question ... am i a cynical person? i'd like to think i'm not, but i think, deep down, i am. granted, i've never been a "that glass is half-empty" kinda guy, but neither have i been a "half-full" spokesperson either ... more like a "glass? we don't neeeeeed no steeeenkin' glasses!" ::spill, smash, break:: that must be my volatile side coming out, right sean?

this also makes me wonder if being the sarcastic person that i am makes me cynical. i've never really associated sarcasm with cynicism, but i can see how the two are very closely linked and, honestly, i've always just found dry humor and sarcasm more my speed. sure, i'm jaded about things ... love (that ones not hard to become jaded with) for one ... and perhaps work--in my present situation i can hardly see why i'd become jaded about that, i mean ... come on!--but i don't look at everything as if it's a bleak horizon. no ... no, in fact, i see silver linings!

sure, i'm losing my job at the end of the month, but just think of all the blogging material i could possibly get at my next place of employment. ooh, i'm all a twitter with excitement!

meh ... i dunno why that remark isn't sitting well with me and it makes me wonder if it's a guilty conscience saying "yes, indeed, mr. geoff ... you are a cynical, sarcastic asshole." ::squishes cricket::

so, i didn't make any resolutions this year for new years, but i think i just found one. try not to be so damned cynical in 2008 ...

... i'll probably give this resolution up like i have every other year.

"it's stuck in my head ..."
you ever get a song stuck in your head and you just can't get rid of it? then you get that one jackass who's like, "oh, you should sing it out loud ... that always helps." shut up and give me some better advice. honestly, i can't remember the last time a song got stuck in my head this long since paula abdul's "opposites attract" when i was a kid and i broke out into an unrehearsed rendition in my bedroom to quench those raging fires.

i take 2 steps forward
i take 2 steps back
we come together
cuz opposites attract
and you know,
it ain't fiction
just a natural fact
we come together
cuz opposites attract

i. am. so. gay.

so, anyway, recently i've had various songs from the "rent" soundtrack stuck in my head and so i've been listening to it on my ipod and i finally got to the song that was stuck in my head and i did something that i normally don't do, because it seems rather inane to me ... when the song ended, i hit the back button ... and then i did it again ... and again ... folks, i've listened to this same song like 7 times in a row now! what is wrong with me?? i seriously never do that. when i'm done with a song, i'm more than happy to move on to the next one. oy. i'm losing my shit!

anyways, just had to tell you all about that!

[puffy hearts!]

another year older ... another year ... wiser?

2008-01-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

well, this weekend certainly was fun.

as i stated in a previous post, my birthday plans revolved around 'fogo,' where i could eat my weight in meat, though for the record, i'm pretty sure i only ate about the weight of a 5 year old child. i was surrounded by wonderful friends and family: jamie, steven, terri, paul, jackson, kristen, bob, my father and his partner, paul. of course, my father and paul complained a lot because that's what they do. they both, along with steven's paul, got the salad bar, but that didn't stop them from criticizing the small portions of meat that we were being served off the swords. but what they don't realize is that you keep getting small portions and small portions and small portions until you have this huge block of beef wedged somewhere between your esophagus and your sphincter.

so, after i gorged myself on cows and pigs, i felt like unbuckling my belt, undoing my pants button and just sitting there, hand positioned inside the waist of my jeans ala al bundy from 'married with children.' however, i still wanted one last slice of bottom sirloin which, in my opinion, is the choicest cut at fogo and simply melts in your mouth. so, i wait and i wait and finally some 'authentic' gaucho chef with a fake accent comes by with a haunch of meat and i perk up. "right here, please." after serving jamie a chunk, he comes over to me and cuts me off a nice thick slab. funny, that doesn't look like bottom sirloin. i'm really not sure what gave it away ... perhaps it was the giant blood clot in the center of the meat, all jellied and thoroughly vomitous. "no thank you," i say as i force the piece of meat onto jackson's plate. even he couldn't eat it and that's saying something! apparently, it was lamb and not my bottom sirloin and as most of my friends know, i positively abhor lamb. ugh. a few minutes later i had my bottom sirloin and then i was done. fin. caput. finito. nein. all those good negative words from foreign languages that people use. i will be honest, though. as much as i thoroughly enjoyed the restaurant, i don't think it was quite as good as the one in d.c. the service was rather lackluster and even the meat selections seemed a bit thin. i'd still recommend this restaurant to anyone, though, and disclaim that you really can only go here about once every 6 months to a year. it's THAT MUCH MEAT!

(ok, now that i made mrs.twink sick with that last paragraph ...)

so, after fogo we head over to the central for some drinkage. i see a few people i know but not everyone who is supposed to be there when "buzz buzz buzz" my phone vibrates. well, look'ee here. mrs.twink has decided to puss out and not come to celebrate my birthday with me. how sweet of her. ::grumble grumble::

i tease. i know that mr. and mrs.twink can't hang with the big dogs. it's all good. they're married and old and fall asleep at 8 p.m. watching the news and sitting on the sofa, her crocheting, him jingling the change in his pocket ... it's all well and good. seriously, though. i'm sorry they couldn't make it out as i love them to pieces and would really have liked to see them, but i can seriously understand just being far too tired to do anything and i really will not hold it against them. totally heart you, mr. and mrs.twink!

i had a great time friday night and i met some nice people as well as saw some old friends i haven't seen in a while. i didn't get terribly drunk, but i did have a hangover all day saturday, so i stayed in my PJs and watched tv and passed in and out of consciousness.

ok, so today i did something stupid, hence the question mark after 'wiser' in my post title. i go online at bge.com to pay my bill and i select my bank account where the money is to be drawn out of and i hit the pay button, not realizing that i didn't change the amount i wanted to pay. mind you, i made a previous payment of $71.56 earlier this month and the bill that is still active, still shows the total amount. for some reason payments made do not reflect on the total due until after the due date is up and everything is tallied. oy! so, stupid geoffrey today makes an additional payment of $171.56 (it's high because my first 2 bills are combined) so i've basically paid an addition $71.56 over what i owe. dammit!

i called bge to see if they could cancel that payment and i get some shit about "oh, well, since the payment is scheduled to come out today, we can't stop it. had you scheduled it for a future date, we'd be able to make changes to the amount." meh, 'fuck you! wes gotz ur dollers!' basically. i hate them, but it is my own stupid fault, so ... oh well. at least i'll have a credit for next month, so i guess it all evens out.

in case you're wondering, i did call my bank to see if they could stop the auto-payment but they couldn't guarantee that they could stop it and they'd have to change me $30 to try, even if it doesn't stop. meh. screw that. i'll just let the payment go through and save myself the hassle and $30.

people in history who share my birthday!

2008-01-18T10:54:00.001-05:00

ya, ya, i know ... a second post for today ... what can i say. just make sure you read today's actual blog.

1736: James Watts, Scottish 'steam' inventor

1737: Jacques-Henri Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, French author

1807: Robert E. Lee, American Civil War general

1809: Edgar Allen Poe, American author and poet

1839: Paul C麡nne, French painter (meh, i dunno what that little square is in his name.)

1943: Janis Joplin, American rock singer

1946: Dolly Parton, US country singer and film actress

i've known about edgar allen poe for a long time, but robert e lee? cool! and dolly parton?! omg, no wonder i love her!

"miss scarlet! miss scarlet! i don't know nuffin' about birfin' no geoffreys!"

2008-01-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

tomorrow marks a momentous day in history, but first let's give a little back story ...

woman meets man ... they fall in love ... they do that thing that men and women do (ick ... breeder sex!) ... before long there's a twinkle in someone's eye ... the woman gets fat and POW! out comes a screaming alien-esque thing ... all squirmy ... covered in ick ... apparently it did something bad because the doctor smacked it ... waaaaah!

and there you have it. the wonderful process of my birth. isn't that sweet?

ok, so tomorrow is my birthday and before you all ask, i'll be 29 ... again. ask me 10 years from now and i'll tell you the same. so, the celebration starts tonight and i'm being taken out for my birthday and i am so excited! we're going to this amazing restaurant called 'Fogo de Chão,' a brazilian steakhouse that, after my first visit, became one of my favorite places to indulge my appetite in some meat!

when you first get to your table you're asked--by one of the many friendly wait staff flitting about--"have you ever been to our establishment before?" or something similar, meaning they have a certain way in which the food is served. you'll get the same question when going to 'the melting pot'. anyway, they go on to explain that at each place setting is a little circular card--red on one side, green on the other--which you utilize to let the wait staff know you're in the mood for more.

red means: stop ... i need a break ... i think i'm dying! ...

green means: bring out the meat! i know, i know ... i had the card red before but i just needed a small break ... no, no, i'm not dying ... it may have just been gas ... I WANT MEAT!!!! just drop the entire haunch in my lap and leave me be! bring out the jester! i crave entertainment!! where are my vassals! god, i love being king!

i love this place! you don't even have to talk! just keep cramming food into your mouth and when you want more, there's no, "please sir ... more?" hell no, you just flip that card and viola! meat magically appears at your side, sliced there at the table and you grab it with tongs and place it on your plate. yay for gluttony!

ok, so, the meat is amazing here and i definitely recommend the top and bottom sirloin. it simply melts in your mouth and you can't quite get enough. there are many other variations of dead animal to partake of and they even have chicken and pork at times.

however, if you're not that into meat--believe me, i know how it is ... i went almost 9 years without red meat, only eating chicken and fish, but Fogo de Chão lured me into its meaty web and then inducted me into their red-delicious cult--there is an amazing salad bar which is bigger than my bedroom and has so much scrumptious food ranging from smoked salmon to fresh cold white asparagus to huge chunks of parmesan cheese to, well ... lettuce. it's worth it to go simply for the salad bar.

the best part of all of this .... yup, all you can eat!

BRING. IT. ON!

ok, so ... enough about meat ... scrumptious ... mouth watering ... meaty meat ...

::shakes head::

ok, so ... wow ... um, after dinner we're heading out to the central station pub, a local gay bar in baltimore, for a little bit o' the drink. hopefully, with all that meat floating around in my gut, i won't get too polluted too quickly. however, if i do ... i don't recommend anyone coming to hold my hair back when i puke ... can't imagine how that will look!

the best part of the evening, however, will be the fact that i will be in the company of some of the very best people that money can buy ... oh, wait, i mean ... that i've been fortunate enough to have been graced with. i definitely like to surround myself with great people and i think that i've certainly accomplished that and i'm very, very thankful for them and i honestly don't know what i would do without them. they absolutely make me a better person.

i love you guys and girls!

"food, poisonous food! ...

2008-01-16T10:21:00.000-05:00

cramps and rectal dysfunction!" ~ sung to the tune of "food, glorious food" from oliver!

yesterday at work i began feeling peckish and by the time lunchtime rolled around, i was nearly ravenous. i went out and got some friend chicken fingers, some cajun fries and a couple mozzarella sticks. mind you i don't eat fried foods often, but for some reason i was craving. a couple hours later my stomach started to feel a bit queasy, but nothing major. it happens sometimes if i drink too much coffee ... no big deal. by the end of my work day, however, i wasn't feeling too hot, but i wasn't at the point of purge yet.

once i got home i tried to watch tv for a bit but just couldn't focus so i lay down instead, falling right out. i've been pretty exhausted lately. at around 3 o'clock this morning i woke up with stomach cramps and pretty severe nausea so i camped out in the bathroom. now, i won't enlighten you all with the details, but let me just say that work wasn't even an option today and a little after 6 a.m. i called out sick. right now i'm sitting on my sofa, watching tv (some DVRd shows) and sipping some hot tea. ugh. i feel like poo.

which actually brings me to the point of this post. don't let the title fool you. this isn't about me being sick, but i thought it was a nice segue.

as i stated, i'm watching shows that i have DVRd and every now and then a television show comes along and just absolutely wows me! examples include, but are not limited to: scrubs, the office, lost, heroes, 30 rock and a few others. recently i fell in love with a new television show that, i believe, is in its second season though for me it's season number 1. i am kicking myself in the ass now for not having found this show earlier because it is amazingly funny, witty, endearing at times and just altogether a very entertaining 30 minutes.

'notes from the underbelly' has definitely found a place in my top favorite shows and if you haven't seen it yet then i heartily recommend it. it comes on monday nights 9:30/8:30 central and it. is. amazing!

still getting laid ... off

2008-01-15T08:28:00.000-05:00

this is kind of an update post.

it's still looking like i'm being let go at the end of the month though i was told in confidence--and yet i share it with the internet world ... hmm--that my name was brought up in a discussion regarding a new overflow project that is being implemented here. whether or not i will be chosen to be in this group and thus my departure delayed, i have no idea, but i'm not sure that i want to even be associated with this place anymore. it's like dangling a piece of beef in front of a dog and then yanking it away as he goes to snap for it. no thanks.

i'm still working on my resume, but i'm waiting for job descriptions from my boss regarding the many different departmental voids that i've been very flexible enough to fill. i mean, i know what i did and i know how to write it out, however, it wouldn't be in layman's terms which ends up not being too impressive on a resume. i know that resumes are about selling yourself--which i am bad at--but not with terms no one understands.

"yes, i'm a flugalbinder* operative on a misanthropic collusion of various confidential misogynistic variables of increasing duration and quasi-problematic solutions to exothermic resolutions."

meh ... just so you know, i'm not misogynistic in the least and as for that other shit ... can you guess that i made that up? it sounded damn impressive, yes? but if you were a potential employer looking at that on my resume, i have a distinct feeling you'd think i was blowing smoke up your ass, which, if i ever had that on my resume ... you'd be correct. now, i've had a couple people request my resume and i'm looking into opportunities with another health group basically expanding on everything that i've learned and been able to accomplish here but honestly, anywhere i go i will pick up the job very quickly as i'm a fast learner and a self-starter and a go-getter, dammit.

so, anyway ... there's the update. now for the rest of the post:

lately i've come to the realization of a couple of things. the first is that i'm getting old. yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's happening ... to me of all people. i know, i know ... how can i grow old? it's a mystery, yes. my peter pan syndrome is waning and my happy thoughts are being replaced with responsible ones. my normally youthful exuberance is now mutating into a matured, yet lighthearted, demeanor.

also, my birthday is this saturday and i'm turning the big 32 (22 in gay years) so that's kinda hitting home. soon it'll be to the point that i'm closer to 40 than i am 30 and i think i could snap. dunno yet. i have a few years to grow accustomed to the idea ... and you all have a few years to purchase body armor and other protective gear and barricade your homes. i can't control myself when i'm in 'the rage.' rawr! i'll post more about my birthday in a later post as we're going to one of my very favorite restaurants. woot.

the second thing i've come to realize lately is that i'm a vehicle racist. there, i've said it. i don my jeep hood and go around burning other cars. ok, maybe not to that extent, but i do notice that i will have no qualms about cutting off a vehicle or not letting someone in when they clearly have a yield sign. and if they cut me off, i usually curse and rant and rave, the whole 8 yards--the 9th yard would be me running them off the road.

however, if i see a jeep that needs to get over, i will get out and redirect traffic if i have to. oh, i'm going 65 mph but you need to get on the highway? sure, come on over! ::break slam:: a jeep cuts me off, i smile and wave and mouth "you're welcome." you see, jeep drivers have a thing ... it's a 'jeep thing' if you've ever seen the bumper stickers and it's so true. if i see a jeep on the side of the road with their flashers on, i will stop and help, even if they look like drug addled crazed lunatics carrying axes and shotguns, leaning against the driver's side door, a hockey mask pulled down over their face.

"hi. jeep trouble?"

meh ... so, i've admitted it and i don't care who knows it anymore. judge me if you must, i'm gay so i'll judge right back! bring it! it's already been broughten!

sorry for this rather weird post. i'm zooming on like 4 cups of coffee already and it's only 9:45 am. aside from my heart pounding out of my chest, i'm in the bathroom far more than i'm not. i think i'll bring my computer in there.

[puffy heart]

*if you can tell me what a flugalbinder is, you win a gold star!

it's national de-lurking week!

2008-01-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

come out, come out, where-ever you are!!

now, i don't want to think i have a bigger fanbase than i actually do, but i do know for a fact that several people read my blog and refuse to ever comment, so ... comment, bitches!

a mental fracture ... fractured.

2008-01-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

this is kind of going to be a long post as it's been a while since i've blogged. this past week and a half has been crazy busy at work so i've rarely had time to browse the internet much less post on my blog. a few things have happened since my last post, some good ... some bad. i'll start with the good.

good
the past friday i was coerced into going out. i say 'coerced,' but it doesn't take much, honestly. it's been roughly 2 months since i've gone out to the bars, give or take a week, and when steven called me telling me i had to come out, i was hesitant at first, but then i warmed up to the idea. so, jamie picked me up a little after 9 p.m. and we drove into the city toward 'grand central,' for their $1.75 drink special. now i've mentioned this drink special before but in case anyone's forgotten, i'll give a little recap. every friday night all drinks are $1.75 ... i'm not talking about bottom shelf shit, people, i'm talking about grey goose and patron and captain morgan ... the good shit. $1.75 ... seriously, how can you go wrong.

now, being that it's been so long since my last outing, it didn't take long to feel the drinks ... in fact, after my first captain and coke i was already feeling the first tingles of a buzz on the outskirts of my mind and by the time i finished the second one, i was in--if not full--medium swing. i had a jagerbomb shot and then steven forced a shot of patron on me and, i think, pushed me over the edge. i felt a bit queasy and was making periodic trips outside for fresh, cool air ... taking a stroll down the street in case i had to purge ... which, thankfully, i did on the 3rd or 4th outing. after that, i felt 100% better. shortly after my bulimic fit, we went down to never-on-sunday for some late night chow. i had a gyro. yum.

jamie drove me home and i climbed my stairs which felt a lot more than 3 stories and i collapsed into bed. the next morning i felt like death warmed over and i did nothing all day, falling in and out of sleep.

bad
well, ok, so basically only 1 good thing happened to me in the past week and it was that i got drunk ... i'm a borderline alcoholic, apparently, when the only thing good that has happened to me was that i fell under the influence and then subsequently purged. oy.

nothing major happened on monday or tuesday, but wednesday started out as a bad day from the moment i woke up.

wednesday
my alarm clock, usually infallible, decided to not wake me up. i woke up on my own--glancing at my clock--and shooting out of bed with a start. 7:15 a.m. i'm usually up at 6:30 every morning, leaving my place at 7:30, but today ... wasn't happening. i hopped in the shower, giving myself a quick nursing-home rubdown and then ejected myself from the porcelain deathtrap (i slipped getting in.) i managed to make it out my door by 7:40, barely enough time to stop and grab a coffee and head to work.

7-11 visited .. on the road again. i'm driving and notice the traffic is unusually thick this morning so i know for sure i will be late. on dundalk avenue a bus is in the right hand lane picking up passengers and the car in front of me is in the middle lane and wants to turn right. well, instead of waiting for the bus to leave, he tries to cut the bus off as the bus starts forward and both slam on their breaks. well ... the domino effect is in the hizzie. i slam on my breaks to avoid the car in front of me and out of the corner of my eye, i see my coffee cup fly forward in slow-motion, ready to paint the inside of my jeep a nice latte color. i did a momma save, my right arm lashing out and catching my cup, as everything and anything not tied down comes into the front seat ... however, my coffee is saved ... then i hear the screech of tires on asphalt and i look into my rear view mirror and see death riding a pale horse in the shape of a silver toyota camry bearing down on me, scythe raised to lop off my head. i'm dead. thankfully, the camry stops before plowing into my rear-end (ok, jamie ... insert innuendo here) and death has been averted. we're both swearing at the jerk-off in front of me who decides it is prudent to let the bus go and then he turns. man.

so, i get on 95 and am traveling to work. i'm a bit thirsty so i pick up my coffee, glancing at everything still strewn about on my passenger side floor, and go to take a sip. well, wouldn't you just know that when i performed that miraculous save of my coffee, i had nudged the lid enough that, when taking a sip, it popped off and coffee poured down my face ... down my neck ... into my undershirt ... onto my lap ... basically, everywhere. i curse and grab a napkin that i have in the jeep and mop myself off. i've re-attached the lid and go to put it back in the cup holder and the lid pops off again and i nearly drop my coffee in a startled frenzy. this day sucks, so far.

i get to work and my stomach is suddenly full of butterflies and i feel a lurch ... i've just realized something and it doesn't sit well with me. i think i forgot to lock my apartment on the way out the door in my rush. oh shit. i get inside and call my landlord who, graciously, says she will go over and check for me and if it's not locked, she will lock it for me. (i found out later it was locked, i just forgot i locked it.) but that is one of the worst feelings thinking that you may have all your property gone when you get home. oy!

thursday
thursday rolls around and i find out that fate oftentimes pulls out his fat dick and mollywhops you in the face with it multiples times until you nearly succumb to a comatose state. i get a call.

me: hello?
chris: hey, geoff?
me: this is he.
chris: hey, this is christina.
me: oh, hey chris.
chris: hi. i don't know if you've heard, but i got an email from [the company i'm at now] and your contract is ending on the 31st so that will be your last day.
me: ::silence::
chris: i'm already starting to look for something new for you, but i need you to update your resume.
me: oh, ok.

so, ladies and gentlemen, the company that i've invested a healthy dose of reliability, time, effort, versatility ... has decided that they don't need me anymore. what a kick in the nuts.

in the 7+ months i've been here i've done so much shit for these people ... always willing to help out on projects ... learning new aspects of the job ... and they basically are just like, "yeah, thanks for the help. bye." a lot of people who work here are pissed and i've had multiple people come up to me and say they are going to see what they can do, but in all honesty ... why bother? it's a budget issue ... has nothing to do with my performance. i've just got to move on, but it just sucks because i've grown very accustomed to working here and with the people i do and i was starting to develop that familial bond here, if that makes sense.

oh well. i have a different company that i am looking at now that does basically the same thing as they do here, except they are hiring on full time and i won';t have to deal with that contracted bullshit, so ... wish me luck with them.

so, basically, my week has been hell ... granted, really only 2 bad days out of 5, but that's enough to encompass the entire week. i just want to go home now and crawl into bed and brood until monday.

goodbye 2007, helloooooooo 2008!

2008-01-03T12:04:00.001-05:00

first, i just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! sorry that i'm a bit late in this, but the thought was there even if the words weren't.

second, i've noticed that several other bloggers are doing a 'highlights' and a 'lowlights' of 2007 and, though it seems to be a current trend, i'm not going to be as thorough as they are. sorry.

probably the best thing that happened to me in 2007 was that i got my own apartment. granted, it's in dundalk, but we all can't have everything! so, living alone again after about 10 years is a very freeing and enjoyable experience, yet, it's also somewhat nerve wracking and terrifying. but, i'm getting through it and, all in all, i am enjoying it immensely.

new years eve
this new years eve, mrs.twink and the mr. threw a birthday/new years party which they have done for a couple years now. the last one i attended was a blast and i certainly wasn't disappointed this year either.

the party started around 7 p.m. and yet, i wasn't in attendance. you see, i was waiting for a friend--who was travelling to the u.s. from england for new years--to call. the plan was for him to get in, shower and change and come to my place where we would then travel to the party together. he called me from chicago to inform me that he missed his flight due to--and some of you who have ever flown into chicago o'hare airport will surely relate to this--his connecting flight being on the complete opposite side of the airport from where he landed. when he got there the doors were already closed and they would not open them. snag #1. he was booked on a connecting flight later which meant his arrival in baltimore would be later, which was fine. i decided to go to the party and when he called i would give him directions to mr. & mrs.twink's. i waited for his call. 10 p.m. nothing ... 10:30 p.m. nothing ... 11 p.m. nothing ... midnight comes and goes ... nothing. i must admit that now i am a bit worried. did he get stuck in chicago? is he stranded in baltimore with no phone? what's going on? but, i'm getting ahead of myself. let me get back to the party.

so, mr and mrs.twink's place is full of a great group of people and i had originally met them the previous year and had lods of fun with them. a keg of amstel light hung out on the back porch, nice and cold in the chill winter air, a healthy fire burning away in a portable fire pit on the patio and chairs set all around for enjoyable conversation and warmth. everyone was drinking and having a great time. one thing i've noticed when a group of us get together are the number of strange topics we find to discuss:

smoking poo (thanks to zack for this one) ~ apparently if you smoke dried poo, you will get high. i don't even want to fathom who discovered this fact.

huffing poo (thanks to ben for correcting our previous oversight of 'smoking poo') ~ apparently, you don't smoke dried poo, you, instead, pee and poo in a bag and then huff it for a high. again, i don't even want to fathom who discovered this fact.

blogging ~ anytime you get more than one blogger in a room together, the conversation inevitably turns to blogging and we begin to shun the non-bloggers. it's a tragic turn, unfortunately, but i'm a blogger so i'm not left out so i don't care!

horny goat weed (again, thank you zack for bringing this to our attention) ~ apparently there's this stuff out there called 'horny goat weed' that you take and it's supposed to get you horny. well, i don't know about anyone else, but a good stiff breeze could turn me on. the package--adorned with a photo of a big-breasted half naked woman ... and a goat--contains two capsules full of horny goat weed, which we all decided was probably sawdust and oregano and no one was willing to try it, however, zack was very insistent that these be used as suppositories. oh zack ... you poor dear. please, feel free to shove them in your bum.

racism ~ meh ... touchy subject, but for some reason it's always brought up at gatherings.

homosexuals ~ again, touchy subject for some, but brought up when a group of homos are hanging out with the straights, usually followed up with, "oh, i have no problem with gay guys. i know a lot and they're lots of fun. just don't hit on me."

vagina ~ inevitable.

roast beef sandwiches ~ those who were there will get this.

the list goes on, but i've forgotten them. drinking has that effect on me, tho i was pretty reserved that night as i had to drive later on. i had a great time, though, and there were lots of laughs to go around and great conversations (the aforementioned topics included) and when midnight rolled around, much hugging and kissing were being thrown about. i met some really great people: the brick, CAG incognito (she is uber hot!!), kt (also very hot), some hot british guy named alex (no, not the one i was expecting) ~ soon to be brother-in-law to kt, and many others who's names escape me at the moment. regardless. whee. i left around 1:45/2.

now, back to my friend from england. so, i'm on my way home and i get a call from jamie.

jamie: hey girl!
me: hey girl!
jamie: so, i just got off the phone with bob and guess who's at the central.
me: oh, gee. lemme guess.
jamie: a certain british friend of yours.
me: fucker.

apparently, his flight was even more delayed and he didn't arrive in baltimore until about 11:30 p.m. and decided to go to the bar instead with his friend dan, which is fine. what irritated me was the fact that he couldn't even take a few seconds to call or send a text message informing me that he was, in fact, in baltimore and that he wasn't going to make the party. i would have totally been fine with that, but instead, i was left wondering where the hell he was and if he was ok. meh. whatever. i'm over it now, but it flowed with the blog and had to post it. lol.

anyways ... i just wanted to say thank you to mr. and mrs.twink for throwing a great party! i had so much fun! can't wait to do it again next year! i also wanted to give a big shout out to my peeps and let them know i love them. i have amazing friends and i love them so much and, unfortunately, i don't get to see them as much as i want to. this is mainly my fault as i'm trying to watch my spending, but in 2008 i will try and make more of an effort to be available and make it out to see everyone! even though we don't see each other all the time, they are always in my heart and in my mind. love you guys and girls.

this post is a bit scatterbrained as i'm at work and trying to blog without being detected and i can't really think, to be honest.

"snap ... crackle ... choking hazard."

2008-01-02T15:03:00.001-05:00

ok, this gets it's own post. i'll get on to the new years post in a few.

pre party
this past friday i took a little trip to mr. & mrs.twink's for some wii action before we embarked on our trek to a redneck dive called the gunslinger, or the gunrack, or the severed deer head wall hanging inn ... or something--i forget the name of it--for our friend jackson's birthday gathering.

i arrived a little after 7 p.m. in the mood for the mr.'s wee (or wii, whatever). we planned on leaving the house at 8 so that gave us an hour to play. fun. i can't wait. i've never played the wii before and i was eager to see how it handles. so, the three of sit on the sofa while they both walk me through the creation of my very own mii. (i'm much hotter irl, by the way) after that's done we start a game of bowling. it's really very cool how it works. you swing the remote as if you were holding a bowling ball and at the right time you release a button and your ball is sent travelling down the lane. this is a very ingenious machine and i had so much fun playing. after bowling, the mr. and i were going to box ... well, during the setup of this game, mrs.twink disappears and is rummaging about in the kitchen.

mrs.twink: i'm making rice crispy treats!

i. love. rice. crispy. treats! i'm all excited now. a wii, some sweet, marshmallowy goodness, the company of good friends. what more could i ask for? ... how about 911 on speed dial?

i take a bite of the delicious looking treat and i begin chewing.

mmm, it's so good. but, what's this? hmm. this marshmallow is a bit tough to chew. musta been on the bottom of the pan. lemme chew harder. wow, this is some tough marshmallow. ::chew chew chew::

i get nowhere. finally i decide that i better investigate this kevlar marshmallow and i pull it out of my mouth. yup. it's white, but it doesn't look like marshmallow. i try squeezing it with my fingers and it has absolutely no give.

me: um, mrs.twink ... i, uh ... i think there's something wrong with your marshmallow.
mrs.twink: oh no! what is it? this is the first batch i haven't burned!
me: i dunno. it's hard tho. ::peers at it closely:: i don't think it's marshmallow.
mr.: ::looks over and says nonchalantly:: oh, that's spatula.
mrs.twink: OH. MY. GOD.
me: ::looks at mrs.twink with a mix of fear and surprise in eyes:: you tried to kill me?

i finished the rest of the treat, chewing carefully and, had i discovered anything that wasn't as soft as marshmallow infused rice crispies or marshmallow itself, i would have removed it from my oral cavity and not attempted to mulch it down. however, the rest of the treat was quite good.

mrs.twink: would you like another--
me: no. ::i say before she finishing asking:: no ... no, i'm fine. thank you though. it was delicious.

she could probably make a killing (no pun intended) on rice cripsy treats with built in toothpicks.

the party
so, we arrive at the dive ... heyyyyyy ... and we stroll inside. there's like 9 or 10 people there, 3 of which we know, 2 running the karaoke kiosk, the bartender and like 4 patrons playing pool--one of whom had a very impressive mullet. we later discover that he and his partner are known as "biscuit and gravy" ... rather reminiscent of talledega nights ... "SHAKE AND BAKE!"

i'm nervous. it's been a while since i've been in a straight bar, much less a redneck straight bar. mrs.twink is my beard for the night ... we plan on having sexual relations ... or at least that's what i proclaim in a carrying voice so the redneck breeders think i'm hitting that.

me: i'm really glad i didn't wear my scarf in. they would have pegged me for a fag immediately.

long story short, we actually had a great time. i had a nice buzz going on. jackson seemed sincerely surprised and karaoke was a hoot! mrs.twink and theresa's rendition of sir mix-a-lot's 'i like big butts' was phenom! <3

i swear i'm not 15 anymore, but i am argumentative.

2007-12-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

first of all, i hope that everyone had an amazing holiday and got everything you wanted from that creepy old man who breaks into people's homes to leave gifts under the tree and eats your food and drinks milk that has been left out to grow warm ... next year i'm going to skip a step and just leave out a bowl of cottage cheese. mmm.

so, this holiday weekend my father and i travelled up to pennsylvania to visit family, namely my grandmother and then my aunt, uncle and cousins. friday night i left work and proceeded to my father's place where i stayed the night, bags packed, ready to go. we left a little after 5 am for the 4 1/2 hour trek to where my family lives. as with any road trip my father and i partake, we end up arguing about something. i love my father to death but he is stubborn, which is probably where i get my own stubborn streak. so, on the way up we start arguing about something. i can't even remember what it was, that's how trivial it is, however, i knew without a shadow of a doubt that i was in the right and of course i'm going to stick to my guns and defend myself against being called a liar by my father.

as we argue, my father gets more and more angry and i realize that i should just give up and swallow a fair amount of my pride and end this fight by acquiescing to him and telling him he's right. so ... i do just that. the argument is over ... for me, at least, but my father has to get in the last word.

my father: you just love to argue. you're argumentative.

touche, father o' mine ... touche. so, i basically sat in silence for the rest of the trip--which at this point was only about another 30 minutes--brooding and being silently angry answering his queries or comments with a grunt.

as with every argument with my father, we make up soon after and forget that anything ill had transpired. we get to our bed and breakfast--the mainstay in saxonburg, PA--which is now owned by a very cool gay couple who did amazing work with the place definitely improving it. we get our rooms, drop off our bags and we're off to visit my grandmother.

my grandmother, as some of you may know, has alzheimer's and it's progressed fairly far and she's mid to late stage 2. she still thinks i'm 15 and constantly asks me my age and is always surprised when i tell her. well, this trip i have a beard. i'm not sure i look forward to her reaction as 15 year olds shouldn't have full beards (no, not a fu man chu or mountain man ... just a light dusting of facial hair that has stepped beyond goatee and soul patch.) we get there and as expected, she doesn't recognize me at first. which is fine. she soon realizes it's me.

g.ma: how old are you now, geoffrey?
me: 31, grandma.
g.ma: 31? no ... really?
me: yes.
g.ma: are you really?
me: yes. i love you.
g.ma: oh, i love you too, sweetheart.

approximately 5 minutes passes by.

g.ma: how old are you now, geoffrey?
me: 31, grandma.
g.ma: 31? no ... really?
me: yes.
g.ma: are you really?
me: yes, grandma. ::inward sigh::

to attempt to make a long story short, she asks me repeatedly over the course of my visit and i try so hard not to get frustrated but it's really hard not to. she is a shadow of her former self and i always get so depressed when i go visit. i hate seeing her like this, though there are some funny moments ... such as the following exchange.

after about an hour into our visit, the nursing home is having a flutist come in and play christmas music and we urge my grandmother to go as we don't want to deprive her of some enjoyment. otherwise, we'll sit in silence. so, her friend rose talks her into going so she does. she's gone about an hour and when she comes back we see her walking down the hall with rose. this is their conversation:

rose: oh, [g.ma], you have visitors.
g.ma: i do?
rose: yes. ::she points at us. apparently her alzheimer's isn't as far as my g.ma's::
g.ma: ::peers at us from down the hall:: they're here for me?
rose: yes, [g.ma].
g.ma: ::leans in and "whispers" to rose:: i don't even know who they are.

sometimes you just have to find humor in things. so, our visit with her and the rest of my family was nice and we came back home sunday evening. i got to my place a little after 7:30 and crashed. monday, i did nothing. tuesday i spent christmas with my father at his place. it was a good time. i got there for breakfast and then spent the entire day with him, getting home at about 11:30 pm last night. i was exhausted. my father surprised me with a nearly complete set of tools, complete with toolbox. i was taken aback. i feel so butch now.

i felt horrible that i wasn't able to get him any presents, but money is tight right now. i love my father so much and i would do anything for him. he's a good man, charlie brown.

so, how was everyone's holiday? get anything good?

"you don't own the road!" ~ an open letter to 18-wheeler drivers everywhere

2007-12-20T09:22:00.001-05:00

i'm going to take a page from mrs.twink's book and write an open letter. why? because i feel like it. nyah!

dear sir or madam,

i'm writing with concerns at the way you and your ilk handle the large 18 wheeled vehicles on the roadways. contrary to what you may think, you do not own the road. sure, you drive a very large vehicle and i'm sure any opposition you encounter will acquiesce to your superiority, however, you give little heed to safety or concerns of other motorists.

this morning, on the way to work, i noticed not one, not two, but three incidents where you and your kind gave little to no warning when switching lanes, often forcing other drivers to brake suddenly to avoid being pulled under your immense weight or forced into roadside barriers. i, myself, felt very confined and frightened when a large truck bearing concrete pipes crossed the double lines while travelling through the fort mchenry tunnel. perhaps you didn't realize, but to my right was this large thing called a wall. perhaps you are unfamiliar with what this is, so let me explain. when a hole is bored through--or under--solid rock and/or earth, they create these concrete constructs to support the hole which would now be called a 'tunnel'. these 'walls' have no give and remain solid regardless what size vehicle is thrown at them. tunnels have the uncanny effect of being a small enclosed space that i am sure even someone such as yourself has some understanding. therefore, when you cross the double line, i think of death. my own. it's not a happy thought and makes the already stressful commute to work all the more so.

although i made it through the tunnel relatively unscathed, bearing in mind, please, that my mental state is a little fractured after this near-exchange of heavy metal pleasantries, i am worried that one day i, or another motorist, will be turned into paste.

in closing, i would ask that you please bear some consideration for other drivers and keep in mind that although you are in a rush to get where you need to go, destroying a life in the process will, more often than not, delay your eventual arrival at your destination. i will tell you right now that i am definitely a person who will--and has--call those 1-800-how-am-driving? numbers. so, do everyone a favor, including yourself, and drive more carefully. don't ruin my day or my life. thank you.

sincerely yours,

a concerned driver.

dumpster diving in the big d and teriyaki chicken

2007-12-17T09:13:00.000-05:00

this weekend was highly uneventful for me which, to say the least, is something i cherish. sometimes i love not having to do anything, you know? i think the most active i was on saturday was go to 7-11 for cream for my coffee .... hours pass ... i take a shower. that's it. i was broccoli on saturday (to steal that term from terri.)

sunday morning was a bit different, actually. as i sat on my wind-whipped balcony, sipping from my cup of 'chock full o' nuts' coffee and smoking a cigarette--yes, yes, i know ... i know--i was privy to a rarely seen event ... an outing by the 'secret dundalk society of dumpster divers.' they come in droves and sweep across the parking lot like a swarm of locusts ... i once saw a cat cross their path and when they passed, all that was left was a shiny, clean, white feline skeleton. they assault the dumpsters that, though quite useful as you don't have to wait for trash day, really do nothing for the apartment complex decor. lids are flipped open, the clang of plastic against metal reverberating off the buildings, and they begin picking, depositing cans and other items--apparently worth saving--into carts to be hauled back to their burrow. no dumpster is spared this indignity of being ripped open and pored through and, as quickly as they arrive, they leave ... the only sound is the wind and the rustling of trees ... it's almost as if they weren't really there ... ::cue dramatic, yet spooky, music:: this is why i don't throw junkmail or other items with my name and address into the trash and choose, instead, to shred them. currently, i have a bag full of stuff that needs shredding as i don't have my own shredder in my new place. ::sad frowny face::

so, later i ventured out of my apartment to hit up the grocery store for some essentials. i finally remembered to get peanut butter this time! yay! my whole reason for going to the store, however, was because i had been craving this dish my father used to make all the time when i was younger. the concept is simple, but the way it turned out quickly skyrocketed that meal to the top of my 'favorite dinner' list.

all day i wanted teriyaki chicken. now, i love teriyaki chicken anyway, but i really wanted my dad's teriyaki chicken. so, gathering the ingredients that i didn't have, i settled down to recreate the dish. it starts with teriyaki or soy sauce in a bowl ... throw in some sesame seeds ... mix in some brown sugar ... pour over seared chicken and let it cook in. now, the way my father used to make it, it used to thicken up a lot and had this sweet-sesame-soy flavor that was, at the time, to die for. my recreation, though very tasty, didn't turn out like my father's. it had a decent resemblance in taste, but the sauce didn't thicken like i remember and tasted more soy than anything. so, i'm pretty sure the problem was that i hadn't added enough brown sugar. next time, i will remedy that. but ... i ate it anyway over rice and it definitely sated my appetite.

and that's it, folks. that's my weekend. if you come to dundalk and see a crowd of people pulling carts behind them, run away and don't stop in front of them or you're likely to be picked clean!

**special shout-out to nanette for crushing on me ... i totally crush on her as well and if you haven't read her blog, i command you to do so. you will not be disappointed! big puffy heart for you, nanners!

"i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!"

2007-12-12T12:56:00.000-05:00

last night at around 8:30 pm, i was watching television and was rudely interrupted by the clamour of a fire engine ... siren wailing, horn blaring ... now, this is not uncommon to hear the sounds of emergency vehicles when you live in the city, so attempted to drown out the sound with the volume of my television. (note: watching 'robin hood: men in tights' is significantly less enjoyable with the volume just shy of deafening.)

several minutes go by and the raucous is still out there. i hit pause, stand and look out my living room glass doors. i see nothing. i decide that it's about time for a cigarette anyway, so i grab my coat and hat and head out onto the balcony. i notice, off in the distance, the winking red and white lights belonging to the messenger of noise. seconds later the sound ceases and quiet has once again taken resident.

me: oh, guess they found it. ::i think to myself::

shortly after making this assumption, however, the sound started up again, as loud and as shrill as before. it sounds like they're getting closer. uh oh. i lean out over the balcony to check my building to be sure a fire hasn't sprung up beneath or around me. nope, nope ... all clear. i don't smell smoke either. the sound draws nearer and i see the flashing beacons reflecting off windows and vehicles in the parking lot of the apartment complex across the street.

me: now they must have found it. ::i think to myself as the sound dies once more::

sure enough, however, no sooner do i think these words when the sound, once again, cuts through the night. shortly after, i see the nose of the firetruck peek around the corner of the building that had previously been blocking my view. there is a large fire engine with a smaller 'fire chief' truck trailing behind and they are both moving very slowly through the parking lot.

me: jesus christ ... are they lost? ::i think in bewilderment, silently praying that should i ever need them, they will be much, much faster with their response time::

i watch as they leave the parking lot across the street, cross through the intersection, and make their way into my very own parking lot. i begin frantically peering around to see if my building is on fire again. i start forming an escape plan in my head ... do i jump if i can't get out? so what if i break my legs, at least i'll be alive. should i take anything with me? i really do like those shoes ... and that jacket ... oooh, what do i do??

as i poise to dart back inside and begin gathering some of my belongings, the fire engine--the noise the loudest it could possibly be ... my ears ringing ... is that blood i feel dripping down my neck?--sweeps past my apartment followed closely by the smaller vehicle.

to what do my wondering eyes should appear, but a jolly old elf, sitting on a lawn chair in the back of a fire department pick-up truck, waving. are you fucking kidding me? isn't it a little early to make your rounds, you fat man in red? all that noise--me thinking the world is ending--for a fat guy in a suit. dundalk frightens me. i guess this is quite common, however, as i was regaling some of co-workers with this story and before i could get to the punch-line, they were nodding and smiling and laughing at my discomfort.

as santa rode by, he waved, i waved back. i hope i finally get that shiny new bike i asked for when i was 7 ... stingy old man.

the good mother returneth and gay interrogation.

2007-12-11T14:37:00.000-05:00

so, i have a couple of things today.

first topic today is that the good mother has returned to work! yay! i'm super excited about this, no not because i missed her ... well, i did miss her, but not because we're good friends. when the good mother went on maternity leave, i was shunted into her position here at work. i don't envy her in this position because it sucks. i was always leaving work late, having to deal with piece-of-shit machines and basically was the sole person responsible for this one particular client. however ... now that the good mother is back, i can take up the reigns i had so recently relinquished. yay!

second ... today i was approached by a co-worker who wanted to talk to me. i politely indulged her communicative fancy. the conversation went something like this:

big mama: so, when did you know that you were ... uh ... you know?
me: um. not sure i follow.
bm: you know ... when you decided to be, uh ...
me: gay?
bm: ::with a visible sigh of relief:: yes, that.
me: well, firstly i didn't decide anything. it's who i am. second, i came out when i was 17 going on 18.
bm: oh. well, how do you know?
me: you mean aside from sleeping with men? ::i laughed ... she smiled wanly:: i just know.
bm: but ... i mean ... you're so cute.
me: ::silence::
bm: why aren't you with a nice girl?
me: ::silence::
bm: you're too cute to be gay.
me: wow. i don't know what to say. are gay guys generally ugly?
bm: oh, i don't know many.
me: well, i can definitely assure you that there are a lot of very cute gay guys ... just like me ::i added as an afterthought::
bm: ::she smiles:: oh, ok. well, i was just wondering.
me: ok, well. anytime you have questions.
bm: you really are a handsome boy, you know.
me: thank you.

so, although i was a little thrown at this random and sudden line of questioning, i was happy ... i love being told i'm cute and she called me a boy. yay!

sometimes it's a bit humorous when straight people try to broach the subject of homosexuality as if it's a forbidden topic or leaves a bad taste in their mouth (pun definitely intended.) i'm very open about my sexuality, though i don't announce it. however, if i am asked, i will not lie and i will talk about it if that's what they desire. i hid it for years and i got tired, long ago, of pretending to be someone else ... i'm proud of who i am and the happiest i've ever been was when i was able to reach that plateau of just not caring what people think anymore and embracing myself. yay!

i'm totally going to start a daily affirmation blog. well, probably not.

a new way to enjoy drinking water ...

2007-12-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

recently one of my co-workers, hazel-eyes, turned me on to a new way to drink water. it's actually surprising how many people do not drink water simply because they don't like it or it tastes bland. sure you can add lemon and give it a little bit of a tang, but not everyone likes that flavoring. however, during a conversation she was talking about beyonce and how the super star hates water and how she dresses it up. at first, what she told me sounded a little strange and i wrinkled my nose at it, however, the following day she brought in the ingredients and i was blown away by the crisp, refreshing flavor.

it's very simple ... in addition to adding lemon slices to your water, you also drop in several slices of cucumber. some of you may balk at this while others may not, but i am telling you, the taste is absolutely fantastic! it's such a light flavor and is quite refreshing and for those who don't enjoy drinking water because it is bland will enjoy the subtle flavoring of the cucumber. this is certainly my water of choice now when having dinner guests.

i recommend trying this. you will not be disappointed. well, unless you're deathly allergic to cucumber in which case:

DISCLAIMER: the poster of this blog cannot be held responsible for death, coma, hives or any allergic reaction or illness induced by consuming the aforementioned drink.

let's all get healthier together! drink more water! enjoy!

oh, and if you don't believe me, check out the recipe for yourself.

lesbians make for strange bedfellows ...

2007-12-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

i must start off by saying that the drive home last night sucked and certainly not in the good way! traffic was horrendous on 295 and then on 95 you could just barely make out the lines painted on the road. not that it mattered because no one stayed in any particular lane until we reached the tunnel.

many vehicles drove with 4-way flashers on ... cars lay askew in mini-drifts of snow at the side of the road ... there were tow trucks, salters and police cars ... OH MY! it was a complete mess and i drove grandmotherly behind some guy with his flashers on and you know what? i didn't care! i don't mind going slow in the snow when there's actual snow on the road ... not the flurry bullshit that people panic over. i'm talking icy conditions, accidents, the whole gambit. slow is the way to go. heyyyyy.

so, on the way home i had a tail ... daisy dyke, in her beefed-up, super-charged f-150--just kidding ... she drives a hyundai suv--was following me to my place as we were on a mission. our mission, should we have chosen to accept it--which we did--was to find an ice scraper/snow brush combination. sounds easy, right? fyi, i cleaned off my window with an old cd jewell case .... ghetttttttoooooooooo.

we arrive at my place, i drop off my stuff and we were on our way. our first stop ... dun dun dunnnnnnn ... walmart. i was tempted to buy an inflatable snow-globe for my balcony. i figured it would compliment the inflatable waving snowman and the inflatable santa claus already taking residence there, but i changed my mind at the last minute and removed it from my cart. i picked up a few things though none of them was an ice scraper/snow brush ... they were fresh out.

our next stop, homo depot. i picked up a couple sets of white lights to decorate the railing of my balcony with but again, ice scraper/snow brushes were extinct ... wiped out from the face of the earth. some people claim it was a huge meteor ... i think it was just thrifty and speedy shoppers.

finally we found ourselves at superfresh where i picked up some ground beef for pasta sauce, a key lime cheesecake and some other essentials. on the way out to what do my wandering eye should appear ... no, not a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer--or dill does--but the object of our search ... our holy grail. angels sang hallelujah and i snagged that bad boy!

we got home and i invited daisy dyke to stay for dinner where i prepared a scrumptious rotini pasta with some basil and garlic pasta sauce, huge chunks of ground beef and large fresh mushrooms swimming among the tomatoey goodness; a capricci salad for appetizer. we ate and then hung out for a bit watching tv and perusing the post secret blog and other 'post secret' sites. we didn't manage to have room for desert before daisy left so as a result, i have an entire key lime cheesecake and a tub of italian gelato in the freezer.

i had a great time with daisy dyke being that it was my first time hanging out with her outside of work. she's a hoot and i believe we have plans this saturday. yay. i fell asleep to 'premonition' with sandra bullock in it ... this is my 4th or 5th attempt to watch this movie and it's not boring, i am just so tired when i try to watch it. i may try again tonight. each night i get a little bit further so, if following suit, i should finish it by sunday night.

speaking of movies, mrs.twink, i just remembered the worst movie i have ever seen--i couldn't even finish it and that's unlike me as i always try to finish a movie to the end, regardless of the murder of braincells they often inflict--was 'idiocracy' starring luke wilson and maya rudolph. holy shit that movie made me want to eat a bullet. you should totally watch it!

daylight robbery of a stolen meme from mrs.twink

2007-12-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

here is the meme that mrs.twink stole from someone else. i liked it so i am doing it and posting it. nyah!

if someone says "is this okay" you say?
because of you ~ kelly clarkson
i'm only doing this because of you? dunno.

what would best describe your personality?
welcome to the machine ~ pink floyd
i did this while at work, so this makes sense. when i am at work i'm in total work mode (well, except for doing this and blogging and stuff) ... like a machine.

what do you like in a guy/girl?
look up ~ zero 7
i guess this means i like short guys. (edit: or maybe i like to "look up" at tall guys.)

how do you feel today?
put your hands inside the puppet head ~ they might be giants
i've been run ragged at work today and i honestly feel like a puppet.

what is your life's purpose?
the dope show ~ marilyn manson
that's encouraging. ::frown::

what is your motto?
i wonder where you are tonight ~ dolly parton
i'm not sure which is worse ... the fact that apparently i'm always pining for someone, or that i just admitted i have dolly parton on my ipod.

what do your friends think of you?
there'll be another spring ~ dianne reeves
apparently, to my friends, i'm expendable. great.

what do you think of your parents?
steamy windows ~ tina turner
ew. that's just wrong on many levels.

what do you think about very often?
solitude ~ dianne reeves
"i'm a loner, dotti ... a rebel."

what is 2+2?
would i lie to you ~ eurythmics
i refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me ... and math was my worst subject.

what do you think of your best friend?
make someone happy ~ judy garland
my best friend(s) definitely make(s) me happy.

what do you think of the person you like?
nutbush city limits ~ tina turner
just like nutbush ... my love life is empty!

what is your life story?
hands ~ jewel
i got nothing.

what do you want to be when you grow up?
nanci ~ toad the wet sprocket
i got news for you ... i already am!

what do you think when you see the person you like?
aren't you the guy? (who hit me in the eye) ~ they might be giants
wow ... that's deep. or meaningless, not sure yet.

what do you parents think of you?
i hope you dance ~ leanne womack
my father always wanted the most for me.

what will you dance to at your wedding?
poison arrow ~ abc
i don't think i even know what this song is. it's on one of my 80's compilations cds.

what will they play at your funeral?
goonies 'r' good enough ~ cyndi lauper
damn right i'm good enough ... and i'm a goonie!

what is your hobby/interest?
story of a lonely guy ~ blink 182
"i'm a loner, dotti ... a rebel." yah, i'm real original ... and apparently all alone in this world. ::cry::

what is your biggest secret?
possibly maybe ~ bjork
i secretly don't know many bjork songs, though i have several of her albums on my ipod. oops.

what do you think of your friends?
predictable ~ korn
they're not all that predictable ... oh, who am i kidding. yup, there's jamie calling me now ... like clockwork!

what should you post this as?
daylight robbery ~ imogen heap
tada!

"baby it's cold outside ..."

2007-12-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

today i find myself in a good mood, surprisingly, as my ride into work this morning sucked. snow seems to have a strange power as when it starts, soft flakes billowing out of the cloudy steel gray sky, people suddenly forget how to drive.

a light flurry began as i reached the toll plaza this morning and i got through, no problem. we all drive into the tunnel and about halfway through, traffic is suddenly starting to back-up. hmm. interesting. several minutes later i emerge into the world again and find that it is snowing ... the world has stopped. my visage is filled with red ... no, not from anger, but from the multitude of break lights as people are dumbfounded by this strange white substance that is falling from the sky.

motorist1: what is this stuff?
motorist2: omg, the world is ending.
motorist3: ::tuning the radio to an am news channel:: snow? what is this snow they are referring to?
motorist4: must go 25 miles per hour.
motorist5: argh, i'm dead!
me: fucking move you fucking idiots!

so, a trip that normally takes me anywhere between 15-25 minutes, took me close to 45 minutes today. glad i left early.

however, though i loathe driving in snow (and rain, shhhh), it always seems to lighten my spirit as it's so beautiful and reminds me that it is truly the holiday season.

happy holidays, everyone! enjoy this wonderful season and may you and yours have the best one imaginable.

dundalk dinner party, part 2 (real post)

2007-12-04T12:54:00.001-05:00

so, saturday night my good friend terri came over for dinner and a movie. i had an inkling of what i wanted to create, but i was still toying around with ideas. i got chicken out to thaw and had it in my fridge for most of the day, however, my fridge is kept very cold as i love my milk like ice and ultimately, like a cold refrigerator, so when it came time to actually do anything with the chicken, it wasn't thawed. i placed both breasts (woot) in a bowl of room temperature water to finish thawing.

terri called me shortly before she was coming over and informed me that she was waiting on the lady to finish with my gift. my gift? i then told terri she didn't have to get me anything, but she threw it back in my face stating that she hadn't gotten me a housewarming gift yet. fine, whatever.

terri arrives toting a nordstrom box. curious. i'm commanded to open it and i do and what i found inside delighted me. it was adorable. it's a ceramic piggy bank that she had personalized with her nickname for me: geoffy-poo. i laughed, we hugged and i put it on display. i was wondering what sort of gift required someone to work on it and thought for a second she had gotten me some art and was having it framed. i dunno. i'll try and get a picture up at some point, though terri will probably have one up long before i will.

so, for dinner, i finally decided on sauteed chicken and vegetables with fresh steamed greenbeans with onion and red bell pepper and a capricci salad for an appetizer. i sauteed the bird and when i was done, transferred it to a baking dish while i sauteed the vegetables (onion, red and green bell pepper and mushrooms). when they were done, i put them on top of the chicken and covered it with mozzarella cheese and threw it in the oven for a few minutes. viola. cheesy sauteed chicken and veggies ... or something. whatever. terri took photos of all that and it looked better than it sounds. we ate (using my new table, courtesy of theresa ... thank you baby!), it was good; we went into the living room to watch a movie.

terri perused my DVD case and finally selected 'starship troopers' which is a movie that i absolutely love and found out that she loved as well. yay! we watched the movie, making fun of the bad acting throughout the whole thing oftentimes making the same observation or using the same cheesy bad-acting voice at the exact same time. it was delightful. after the movie, terri had to leave. she was tired. i understood.

it was a fun night and i apologize to those that invited me to game night, but i was in my PJs and didn't feel like doing much else for the evening aside from vegging out on the sofa in front of the television.

thank you, terri, for the gift. i love it! and also thank you for coming by and spending time with me. you're always welcome (p.s. that goes for all my friends!)

can you name this animal?

2007-12-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

if no one gets it, though hopefully you will as it isn't that difficult, i will post the answer later. happy holidays!

(note: this is not my actual post ... i will try and post one a bit later. this is just something i found funny and wanted to put up.)

the wind that stole christmas ...

2007-12-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

"you're a mean one, mr. wind ... you really like to bloooooow."

so, it's crazy windy outside today and it sucks driving a jeep in because it's very similar to steering a cardboard box in a hurricane. on my way to work i was swerving on the highway, narrowly avoiding mac trucks and other motorists, while also having to really stamp on the gas pedal to get princess madonna jeepington to cut through the wind and move forward at a faster clip than 45 mph. oy. i think i pissed off some people behind me.

anyway, so, though the wind is hard to drive in, i'm very delighted that it's this windy today and i'll tell you why. as per the title of this blog, on my travels through dundalk the wind decided to make me happy by causing severe havoc to every single inflatable christmas ornament that adorns the lovely town of dundalk. since wal*mart, k-mart and every other trashy store decided to sell those annoyingly white-trashy blow up dolls you place in your yard for the holidays, i've had an unhealthy aversion to them. i've contemplated slicing and dicing with a butcher knife on occasion ... that's how much i hate them. so, i had a smile the whole way while noticing these eyesores deflated or blown off kilter or simply exploded under the immense pressure. i love mother nature and her early december spring cleaning. time to take out the trash, mommy-nature!

the united states should seriously ban these things and gather them up and airdrop them in afghanistan as a form of mental warfare. take that, osama ... you've got pretty lawn ornaments.

little tests thanks to mrs.twink (and whoever she got them from)

2007-11-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

$3790.00

321 WATTS

Your Body is Producing 321 Watts!
This is 28% MORE wattage than the average person
You could light up 3 light bulbs
You could power 80 iPods
You could power 2 Xbox 360s
3 of you would be needed to keep a refrigerator running

i think i'm the only person ...

2007-11-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

... who can get a neck injury simply by turning to look for traffic as i'm driving home.

ladies and gentlemen, i have glass bones and muscles, i swear to god. last night, while taking the exit for my neighborhood, i turned to look make sure the way was clear and devoid of traffic when suddenly i felt a sharp pain on the left side of my neck. my head immediately felt immobile and every movement; every bump in the road, sent a sharp stab of pain through my neck.

seriously? what the fuck. i just got over a neck pain that was affecting much more than just my neck ... it hurt to take a bite of food and swallowing was difficult and i couldn't look to my right. now, however, i'm able to eat and look to my right, but looking left is virtually impossible. sitting upright and watching tv last night was a challenge, and laughing during scrubs didn't feel too great and sleeping ... forget about it. i think i maybe got about 2 hours last night. i slept through my alarm this morning and, consequently, was late for work.

i think my warranty has finally run out. it's a sad state of affairs when a person can get injuries in a vehicle without being involved in some sort of accident.

i took some aleve with a strong cup of coffee this morning and the pain has lessened a bit already. oy! someone buy me a walker ... i've hit my peak.

fear in dundalk ...

2007-11-29T08:07:00.000-05:00

i think i'm a target ... not sure how it happened or who i've crossed, but the cross-hairs are in the middle of my forehead. there's nowhere to run ... there's nowhere to hide ... i'm a marked man ... by the soccer-mom mafia.

this morning, as i was leaving my apartment, in good spirits, i might add ... i found a gift right outside my front door ... a perfectly folded and bleached white sock. i immediately looked around to see if the giver of this unusual gift was around. i was alone. the hallway ... deserted.

"hello?" i tentatively called out. the only response was my echo. i looked down at the sock again and kicked it away as if it were a snake poised to strike. a ripple of fear coursed through my body and i quickly turned, pulled my door shut and locked it. i hurried from the building and climbed into my jeep and sped out of there.

i've heard tales of the soccer-mom mafia many times so i'm familiar with their methods. their first threat is a bleached and perfectly folded white sock. not too long after that, you wake up one morning with a bottle of tide next to your head on the pillow. soon, strategically placed fabric softener sheets will spring up here and there, a constant reminder of their vigilance and that they are watching you ... when they're not at sporting events with their children, i mean, but you get the picture.

i'm not sure what to do or where to turn.

or ... it could have just been a plain white sock found in the laundry room that someone mistakenly thought was mine and left it there for me to find. who knows. let's pray for the latter. i just thought it was strange to see a sock placed equidistant between the door frames where i was sure to see it as soon as i stepped out. jamie musta spooked me last night.

catching up ...

2007-11-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

i know it's been a while since my last post but i have had absolutely no time to read anyone's blog much less comment or write my own. i'm sorry. the past couple weeks have been pretty busy here at work so i've not had the opportunity to post anything. i know, i know ... i could create a new post at home, but seriously? i'm in front of a computer all day at work and sometimes the last thing i want to do is sit in front of one in my living room. half the time i don't even turn the great humming beast on, though bills are due soon so i'll have to tonight, i'm sure.

as many of you know, i work with medical insurance and currently i'm contracted with an insurance company dealing with psychological claims and during the holidays, as i am sure some of you may know, many people suffer from depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and thus, the number of claims that we receive basically doubles and sometimes triples in quantity. more claims = more work for me = no time for playing around on the computer at work. boo. today seems fairly light so far so i've managed to eke out a few minutes.

recap:
two saturdays ago i attended a party in whitemarsh at tom's place where a group of 25 people were split into two teams, salt and pepper. after said teams were formed, we had a choice of ingredients to choose from to create 3 courses: appetizer, main course, dessert. i'm going to direct you to terri's page because she has pictures and has explained everything that i could put here. i'm just going to sum it up by saying that i had an amazing time and can't wait to do it again!

so ... last week, on wednesday to be exact, i was inundated with a hefty workload ... one that i was sure i wouldn't be able to complete before 5:30 (which is when my shift was supposed to end, assuming i didn't stay late to finish) thus leaving me with a lot of work upon my return after the holidays. so, i'm working as hard as i can and it looks like i might actually be able to get everything finished by 5:30 ... but just barely. then the big boss decides to spread some holiday cheer.

big boss: we will be closing the office at 3 p.m. today in preparation for the holiday. happy thanksgiving.

now, normally i'd be thrilled to be leaving work early ... not today. i'm pissed as now i know i won't be done. so, 3 o'clock rolls around ... everyone in the office leaves, but wait ... what's this? geoffrey is still hard at work while everyone is busy relaying holiday greetings and shoving people out of the way in a race to get out, yelling obscenities, and then leaving burning rubber streaks in the parking lot, driving up over curbs, destroying shrubbery, horns blaring, plumes of smoke painting the air ... in that mad rush to get the eff out of dodge. ok, so it didn't really happen like that, but it's what i imagined as i was stuck behind a computer working. bleh. finally, at 3:30, i decided that what i don't have done can wait. i leave. buhbye.

thursday morning i was up at 4 a.m., leaving my place at 5 for my trek down to richardsville virginia to visit my mother and the rest of the collective. traffic was light at that hour and i made it down there in about 2 hours, a few pee breaks on the way (i was well into my 3rd cup of coffee as i left 7-11 that morning.) when i walked in the house the first words out of my mouth were not those of greeting as they should have been ... no, instead it was "holy shit, there's a lot of people in here." sprawled out over every conceivable flat surface were air mattresses, blankets, pillows, lumps of bodies and stuffed animals. i had to carefully navigate through the mine field of flesh to avoid triggering anything and i managed to make it to the kitchen unscathed where my mother was already elbow deep in stuffing for the bird.

long story short:
everyone arrived who wasn't there already and it was actually nice to be surrounded by family again. i got to see nephews and nieces i hadn't seen in years and finally got to meet my great niece who is absolutely precious (though she did pee on me friday morning!) this was also the first time in years that my mother and all four children have been together in one place so that was especially nice. i do have pictures of all of this but, as you all know, i'm horrible with posting pictures. i'll have a post later of all the pictures i was supposed to post and never did. if i get time. lol. i had a great time during the visit, though i was actually sick the entire time. that's the reason i left early into the weekend (friday night instead of saturday night or sunday morning) as i just wanted to sleep in my own bed and try and get better. i still feel like crap today and i have a lingering cough along with a spot of congestion. wheeeeeee!

i hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday. i thought about you all while i was away but i didn't have access to a pc. i will get around to reading blogs and posting comments either today or tonight when i get home. i promise i will do my best.

dundalk dinner party

2007-11-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

it's wonderful to have friends and it's equally wonderful to be able to have them over and cook for them. i've always loved cooking but, in the past three years or so, i've found it difficult to actually place myself in the kitchen and prepare a decent meal that didn't constitute microwaving leftovers or thrusting frozen dinners into the oven. my previous domicile had two very anal-retentive occupants who, when i cooked and then cleaned, rolled up behind me to clean again, though i have no doubt in my prowess with a soapy sponge. however ... they apparently did.

now that i have my own place i find that it is much easier to create the mess and clean it up after with the knowledge that my practices will not be scrutinized later. thus, the dinner party begins.

last night i hosted an informal blogger convention/dinner party amid unpacked boxes and the smell of new carpeting. the guests of honor included: mrs.twink, the mr., jamie and theresa, 4 people who i adore and am very happy to know. well, except theresa because she dropped key lime tart on my carpet, but i digress.

my guests all arrived bearing gifts, each with a bottle of wine and mrs.twink and the mr. bringing along mini-tarts for desert as well as some amazing artichoke hummus that mrs.twink made from scratch. impressive and quite delicious.i decided to bake a lasagna and, mind you, it's been about 7 years since i've actually made a lasagna so i feared that my skills might be a little rusty, however, i found a great spinach lasagna recipe online at theveggietable.com. spinach lasagna? you may ask ... yes ... you see, mrs.twink is a born-again vegetarian and i felt that it would be far simpler to make everything vegetarian than to single her out and make her eat ruffage while the rest of us enjoyed juicy and meaty steaks. so, for a starter, i created a cool summer asparagus salad (i know it's not summer, but i love asparagus and i love salad thus, i love asparagus salad) with the lasagna playing center stage. i won't lie ... i had a fair amount of trepidation regarding the outcome of the meal, but i am certainly pleased with the results.

the salad was nice and cool with a light, citrus flavoring and the tang of kalamata olives topped off with a hint of mint. (ooh, i rhymed!) however, i feel that i had put too much onion in, though i followed the recipe exactly, except i forgot to crumble goat cheese over the top! oh, i was so angry. that's the part i was looking forward to the most even if it was only an optional ingredient.

the lasagna, made with a four cheese alfredo sauce instead of the traditional marinara, had quite a bit of flavor and wasn't as heavy as many lasagnas tend to be. though the recipe didn't call for it, i added several cloves of garlic as, in my opinion, garlic has a place in virtually any meal, especially italian fare. everyone, save mrs.twink and her amazing figure, had second helpings of each. damn her and her skinniness. i just think she didn't like it.

throughout the course of the night and the meal, we managed to drain the 3 bottles of white wine, though the types fail to come to mind at the moment. i do remember the riesling, as we saved it for last as more of a deserty wine to have with/after the mini tarts.

after dinner we lounged and chatted, mrs.twink and the mr. snapped some photos, though i felt completely gross after working all day and then slaving in the kitchen, so i wasn't very cooperative where the photos are concerned. the mr. and i bonded a few times ... i believe there is photo evidence of that and i would appreciate copies of those, thank-you-very-much-mrs.twink!

all in all, i think the evening went well and i can't speak for everyone, but i had a great time and i am sincerely glad that they came over to see my new place and to spend some time with me. i haven't seen mrs.twink, the mr. or theresa in quite some time, so i was super excited to see them. thank you guys and gals so much for making my night so enjoyable. i [heart] you guys!

an additional thank you to jamie for sticking around and helping with the dishes even after i assured him that i wasn't too worried and i would take care of it. finally, i gave in and he helped me clean up. so, thank you very much, jamie-poo!

side note:
i will be having a housewarming party at some point once i get all my boxes out of the way, so have no fear.

also, i managed to get my xbox360 working last night, though i don't know for how long, but at least i am able to get some use out of it before i send it off to the nazi-corporation, microsoft.

edit: comments and jokes last night were just that ... jokes. hopefully people know me enough by now not to take shit i say seriously. however, though it goes against every conceivable evil bone in my body, i apologize if i offended unintentionally. ooh, apologizing hurts.

i smell like wet dog ...

2007-11-15T13:45:00.001-05:00

two posts in one day is an amazing feat for me considering that i am hardly ever able to post twice in a week!

bag-lady, for the longest time, has been threatening to bring her dog--affectionally nicknamed 'piddle-puppy'--in to pee on me and bite my throat out. her and i go at each other almost every day, pretty much, and i am usually the one standing victoriously upon her broken skull. i win!

so, anyway, she's been threatening me and she finally brought him in to work today as he had a vet appointment earlier. i went out to see the ferocity that is 'piddle-puppy'.

zomg, he's so cute. he's a husky/wolf mix and his name is fenrir (awesome fucking name ... look it up if you don't know what it is) and he neither peed on me nor bit out my throat. he was a bit hyper, but adorable nonetheless and he loved being pet. he had these intelligent brown eyes and his coat was silver and white (would go GREAT with my minolos). i was terrified. i told bag-lady so.

bag-lady: i warned you.

but ... now i smell like wet dog which is probably the most unattractive smell next to cabbage farts. oh well.

they say it happens in 3's ... i've already had 2 ...

2007-11-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

last night, after a long day at work and a subsequent drive to my old residence to pick up my paycheck that my temp agency had mailed there instead of the new address they've been aware of since before i moved in, i picked up a new game for my xbox360 that had just come out. 'assassin's creed,' a game i've been waiting for for close to 6 months, was finally available for purchase and once i picked up it--having reserved it months ago--i drove home.

i walked into my apartment, showered, dressed into my lounge-wear and turned on my xbox360, preparing to have some fun ... except ... i didn't get the usual green lights in the front on the 'ring of light' ... nope, instead i got the infamous 'red ring of death' known throughout the gaming world as one of microsoft's major fuck-ups.

the lights blinked and taunted me. i went online and looked up support and did everything i was instructed to do. all for naught. nothing helped. finally, i got fed up and dialed their 800 number and was greeted by a jovial computer voice named 'max'. max was very friendly and offered to wait for me while i attempted things he told me to do. (i had sudden flashbacks to 2001, a space odyssey.) finally, i concluded that max was beyond retarded and i said into the phone, "operator."

max: please hold while i see if anyone is available.

a few minutes later (a surprisingly short hold time) a woman answered the phone, her indian accent thick. i could hear people in the background talking very loudly, some in indian (i think it's called punjabi, not sure) and some in english. she introduced herself as 'claire.' riiiiight. claire. sure, ok. whatever. i tell her my problem. she repeats everything i say back to me, inserting a "now, let me be sure i have this right, joff (that's how she pronounced my name), you are calling because [insert whatever i have already said here]."

me: i have 3 blinking red lights on the front of my xbox.
claire: now, let me be sure i have this right, joff. you have 3 blinking red lights on the front of your xbox?
me: ::sighs:: yes.
claire: what color is the light on your power box?
me: green.
claire: now, let me be sure i have this right, joff. the light on your power box is green and you have 3 blinking red lights on the front of your xbox?
me: yes ::so not amused::

(a lot more of similar transactions so i am skipping ahead a bit.)

claire: well, joff, i am sorry to inform you that i will have to open a repair ticket at this time and your xbox will have to be sent in to be repaired.
me: you're joking with me, right?
claire: i'm sorry, joff.
me: this is ridiculous. i've had this xbox360 maybe a year and a half and it's doing this? this is utterly ridiculous ... retarded, even.
claire: i'm sorry, joff.
me: ::heavy audible sigh:: what now?
claire: i see here your warranty has expired in april of this year, 2007.
me: oh, of course it has. how could i expect anything less?
claire: however, for this 3 blinking red light problem, microsoft gives an additional 3 year warranty.
me: ::sarcastically:: yay, a silver lining.

she proceeds to tell me that all postage will be paid. they will send me the pre-paid box to pack my xbox360 into and instructions on how to pack it and when i should expect a return. i'm so utterly frustrated at this point. you'd think that if you spend close to $500 on something you'd expect it to work, yes? apparently not. i couldn't resist hanging up w/o being a smart-ass tho.

me: now, let me be sure i have this right, claire. you're going to send me a box to pack my xbox into and instructions on how to pack it and my return time could be anywhere between 1-2 weeks with a worse-case scenario of 4-6 weeks?
claire: yes, joff. is there anything else i can assist you with today?
me: no, you've been spectacular. ::hangs up::

so, first my jeep was being shitty with me ... now my xbox360 is being a dick ... what's next? maybe a meteor will crash land on my cable box and i'll be forced to use an old wire-hanger to gain reception so i can watch tv.

jeeps and babies ... oy.

2007-11-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

so i woke up early today so i could be into work by 8 and hopefully be home at a reasonable hour. sounds like a good plan, eh? yeah, it would have been had my jeep started this morning. that's right, my jeep is a ginormous piece of shit and decided to break on me today.

my first attempt at starting 'christine' this morning resulted in nothing. it wouldn't even turn over. just sat there, laughing at me, still in the throes of whatever fantastic dream that jeeps dream. i got angry. i yelled at her. nothing. after taking several deep breaths i tried to sweet talk her into starting. she ignored me. i got angry. i yelled at her. nothing.

me: come on, you sweet little thing you.
jeep: ::silence::
me: just start, please.
jeep: ::silence::
me: start you piece of shit!
jeep: ::silence with a slight hint of mocking::

a few minutes of sitting in silence later, i tried again. this time i was greeted with a click-click-click-click-click-click! so, it's not the starter. i decided that i needed to clean the battery terminals.

i went upstairs and grabbed a diet coke from the fridge, a pair of pliers and a sponge. seeing as 'christine' likes diet coke, i emptied the can on the battery terminals (this is a trick to eat away at any buildup. the acid in coca-cola works wonders. it's also good at cleaning your windshield. bet you didn't know that one!) i used the pliers to loosen the bolts securing the thing-a-mabobs to the terminals and i cleaned them with the sponge as well as the terminals themselves. i reconnected everything and got back behind the wheel and tried again, urging her to turn over ... which she did, grudgingly, and with a grunt she went silent again. i screamed. neighbors stared.

i tried again, pumping the gas pedal this time and she finally caught. yay! she went silent again. no yay! i cursed ... and i flooded my engine. double sarcastic yay!

me: ugh, i hate you.

i went back upstairs and watched the rest of 'heroes' while giving my engine time to get un-flooded. by this time it's 8:45 ... 45 minutes later than i wanted to be at work and 15 minutes until my scheduled shift. irritation reigns inside my skull. after the show ended i went back outside to try again and lo and behold, she started. i let her run for about 5-10 minutes then turned her off, let her sit a minute, then started her up again. (i refuse to be trapped at a 7-11 trying to start my jeep again so i wanted to be sure she'd start right up).

i got to work at 9:30. bleh. by the way, the whole time i'm dealing with my jeep, it's pouring outside. god hates me. but at least i felt so butch! i even got grease on my hands! omg! i could totally take apart an engine block and put it back together right now! not promising it'll work afterward, but, you know ... minor details.

babies
so, anyway, this morning at work, shortly after i arrived, the 'good mother' comes in with her baby who is the cutest-thing-i-have-ever-seen-in-my-life-and-i-want-one-NOW! she's so adorable and she's healthy, which is a definite blessing. yay for babies! i got to hold her for a bit and was afraid i'd break her, but i did great and i hated to give her back, but i had to.

ok, well, back to the grind. thanks for letting me vent! and yay for babies!

headaches, correction tape and martinis ...

2007-11-12T11:56:00.000-05:00

i totally meant to post on friday, but circumstances prevented me from doing so. i'm going to cover a few days in this post today, though nothing interesting, i assure you ... but when have my posts ever been interesting?

tuesday
so, tuesday night i started feeling a bit gurgly in my stomach region and i was using the restroom far more frequently than i am accustomed. toward the end of the night i was vomiting from both ends. it was very unpleasant. i finally fell asleep--at around 3:30 am--in a fetal position on my sofa watching tv.

wednesday
morning came and i woke up, my stomach lurching, and made a call into work to advise them of my impending absence. yay, now i had the day to lounge and get better. yeah ... my luck prevented that. i get a call a bit later from my boss. she needed me to come in because the one other person in the office that knows how to correctly operate the scanning machines was out. i reluctantly agreed to come in, but in a limited capacity. i arrived at work at 10:15 am and left by 1:30 pm, went home, fell out on the sofa, and tried to sleep.

thursday
the pain in my head was excruciating. i woke to the sound of blood rushing in my ears and my eyes clenched tightly to ward off the light from the television. i picked up my cell phone and through bleary eyes noted the time of 4:15 am. i called out of work. i didn't care. i wasn't going to answer the phone later if anyone called either. i promptly fell back asleep and woke much later with a glare to rival the sun bathing my living room in fire. i knew then that i must go and find drapery hooks to replace the blanket i currently had hanging across my sliding glass doors leading to the balcony--which left about a foot and a half gap at the bottom allowing the painful brilliance to come in uninvited.

i slowly got dressed and steeled myself to leave my apartment. sunglasses on, eyes squinted, i left, got into my jeep and drove to homo depot. once there i meandered my way to the point where i assumed drapery hooks might be. nada. i asked an employee for help and, still squinting behind my sunglasses that i was wearing indoors and cringing at the loudspeaker everytime some jackass put it into his mouth and gargled incoherently, i was given directions to the proper location. i bought the hooks, sped home and hurriedly hung my drapes--rather haphazardly, i might add. ah, cool darkness. yay. throughout the course of the day my headache eased a bit--partially due to the fact that i was eating tylenol like smarties, but i still had a sensitivity to light and sound. not fun. oh well. sleep finally claimed me and i had to work on friday.

friday
i woke up and my headache was almost gone. no longer did i have any sensitivity to light or sound, so in my world ... all was as it should be.

now, in a previous blog i wrote about how i was running tests on one of the scanning machines we use here at work (ties into the character recognition software we utilize). anyway, well, thursday i had to run more tests but to do so, i had to cover up the numbers assigned to each medical claim--that i had previously scanned--so that i can rescan them for the test. so, several hours and 4 boxes of correction tape later, i was ready to scan and everything went smoothly, so yay. apparently the virus scan we have on the server was conflicting with the scans and it was removed completely for this test. however, it cannot remain removed. so, thankfully i haven't had to be on any conference calls to inform the jerk-off of this finding. oh well.

saturday
steven and paul stopped by and picked up up to go out to dinner. we went to the cheesecake factory--which i love--where i devoured a serving of ahi tuna appetizer and a filet mignon. i saved the cheesecake for later. i enjoyed too 'well-mannered dirty martinis' with four olives, please. yum. i love martinis.

after dinner we went back to my place and watched '1408' which i have to say was actually a decent movie, though i didn't care for the ending. steven and paul had left about halfway through the movie. i had fallen asleep and i was woken up by my phone ringing. i answered it.

me: hello? ::slurry, groggy voice::
steven: geoffrey! ::chipper, giggly voice::
me: hey boy.
steven: hey! i left my phone at your place!
me: ::looking around to find his phone and not seeing it:: you did? i don't see it.
steven: you're using it.
me: ::pulling phone away from my face and looking at it ... realizing steven was right:: oh! oh, ok. weird. ok, i'll bring it to you tomorrow. hafta visit my dad anyway.
steven: ok, thanks bud!

sunday
i drove to odenton, dropped off steven's phone, hung out for a bit, talked to mrs.twink on the phone for a few minutes, made dinner plans with them for this thursday, and then drove to my father's house, hung out for a while, played with hachiko, then finally went home and relaxed. sorry i missed your ladies clothing exchange, mrs.twink! next time, i promise! <3 you.

strutting naked thru my apartment ...

2007-11-06T10:44:00.000-05:00

this past weekend i finally moved into my new apartment in dundalk and i have to say, i love it. even the area isn't so bad (my apologies go out to the guy who left me a comment about the beauty of dundalk ... i forget who you are and i'm too lazy to go searching through comments at the moment. be happy i mentioned you again.)

so, i am going to start off this blog by first thanking everyone who helped me out on saturday. first and foremost, i want to thank my father--even though he doesn't read this blog, it's the sentiment that counts. secondly, i want to thank jamie who, by the time i called saturday morning a bit after 9:30 a.m., was already almost to my old place to help us load up the truck. you truly are a great friend, jamie, and i love you. i also want to thank steven and paul--without whom my television set would still be in the back of the u-haul--for their help with the loaded and unloading of the truck. even though steven sat on his ass more often than not, i love him too much to be irritated by that fact. lol. and finally, thank you to terri who also helped to unload the truck and was the unofficial truck security officer, making sure that no one came off the street and genked one of my boxes. she was also the resident OCD interior decorator:

terri: i like the bed there and the bookshelves there.

::we move the bed and the bookshelves in place and step back to examine our handiwork ... somewhere else in the apartment, steven cackles::

my father: do you want your bed against the wall to their bedroom? ::refers to eric and his boyfriend keith, my neighbors::
terri: ooh, good idea. you don't want your bed against that wall. move the bed there. ::points to the wall that is currently occupied by the bookshelves:: then move the bookshelves over there. ::points to wall currently occupied by the bed::

::we begin moving furniture and this new setup makes the room appear much smaller::

me: i think i like the bed back on that wall, actually.
terri: oh, i wouldn't. you guys share a wall.
me: yeah, let's move stuff back.
terri: are you sure you want your bed there? i think it would be better on that wall. ::points to the wall that previously housed the bookshelves and now was currently in the process of re-housing the bookshelves::
me: ::ignores terri and moves bed back::

i love you, terri! :)

so, that first night at my new place i got my bathroom all set up and i couldn't wait to take a shower. i felt so gross. dust from the boxes and stuff, sweat from moving, and just that overall feeling of exhaustion from the stress leading up to my move and the big day itself. next i got my bed set up so i had a place to lay my head and that was pretty much it the first night. the next morning i woke up and started unpacking more. i hooked up my shower head and worked on the kitchen a bit, finding boxes of dishes and unloaded them into the cabinets. i didn't get a chance to wash them yet as i didn't have any dish soap, a sponge or a drying rack at all yet, so ... bleh. i waited around all day for the cable guy who was to show up between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. he ended up showing up a bit after 3. i told you!! so, i have cable ... i hooked up my wireless router--all by myself, i might add! damn i'm good!--to the internet and now i am all connected in my place. my pc is in the bedroom, laptop in the living room .... my own little network. yay.

that night i discovered that my DVR wasn't working correctly. called comcast and spoke to two different people and they sucked and did nothing for me except make me jump through hoops and not get anything resolved. it still wasn't working on monday morning and after work i called comcast again, ready to deal with another idiot. instead, i was blessed with heather ... the uber-comcast princess. she fixed my DVR within minutes! she rocks. she gave me her extension so if i need help again in the fiture i can get a hold of her directly. yay!

so, i went grocery shopping saturday night after the comcast guy left and bought a bunch of shit for my place. it was fun, but i'd forgotten how expensive the first shopping trip is. oy! i spent $250.00 and it barely looks like i went shopping. i'm telling you.

i will be having a house-warming party at some point in the future, but right now i am too preoccupied with getting everything in order. i still have a few housewares i need for my place: hand towels (ones that actually dry. i swear the ones i have now are scotch-guarded. water beads up on them and only smears the water around ont he surface of what i am trying to dry. yeah, not very effective), a dish rack, drapes for the living room, silverware (using ancient crap atm, but it works), a trashcan, and ironing board, etc .. the basic shit. i'll probably grab that stuff this weekend if i go out shopping. i don't have time during the week, really, and tonight i'm off to my old place to clean and pick up a few items i neglected to pack or grab before i left. wheeee!

so, all in all i love my new place. it's nice to have my own space and have the privacy i need (aside from the big gaping window in the living room where everyone can see my strutting naked thru my apartment). soon i will have it set up to some semblance of order and then i'll start having people over.

mrs.twink, expect to eat dinner around the coffee table if you come over for dinner anytime soon. i have yet to find a dining room table but i am going out with my father on the 17th, i think, to BJs and whatnot and he suggested going to a furniture store to pick up a dining room table and a pantry, so we'll see. :) and once all the boxes are put away, i'll be painting! yay!

thank you again to all those who helped and thanks also to all those to wanted to help but were unable. the thought is appreciated.

loooong work week ... and today is a special day for me.

2007-11-01T07:17:00.000-04:00

thursday ... that means it's almost friday. i'm so excited!

work has kinda been a drag this week. i've been shuffled around from department to department, donning new hats whenever they were handed to me. i don't mind, though, as it shows my versatility in the workplace and if i make myself more useful, the likelihood of my going permanent is more and more guaranteed.

so, i had a conference call on monday (my first with this company) and it was rather annoying. one of the software engineers on the call was an arrogant prick who claimed his software could do no wrong. we've had issues for a while now with one of our scanners in the office and we've got most of the problems resolved, however, there's a lingering ... "lag" issue (best way to describe it) when trying to get medical claims to go from the scanner to a couple of our many queues. the software engineer swears up and down that it's a hardware issue, but throughout the week i've been running tests on this machine and have all but confirmed it's not a hardware issue. it's either a software issue or a problem on the server side, which is located in colorado. anyway, so i did my little excel wizardry and created another spreadsheet (i did one earlier in the week) showing the various times it takes for the claims to be scanned and shuffled to the correct area. i got kudos from my boss for that, as the person before me used to hand write everything and hand it in to her. um, no thanks. so, today i have another conference call with the same people and the same arrogant prick so we'll see what he has to say today.

new lease on life
well, as the title of this post states, today is a rather special day for me. you see, i leave work at 1 o'clock today and i go to view my apartment, sign my lease and get my keys. i can't even begin to describe the mix of emotions i have right now. i'm excited as hell ... it's been about 10 years since i've lived without roommates. i'm also nervous as hell ... it's been about 10 years since i've lived without roommates. i'm stressed ... i hate packing and i'm still doing it. i tend to get lazy wen doing something that i hate. so now, i'm at the point where i am just throwing anything in a box and labelling it 'miscellaneous'. this is definitely a great thing for me and i'm very happy and can't wait. i can finally walk around my place nude as the day i was born ... shades drawn and mirrors covered, of course.

so, saturday morning is the big move. my father, jamie and steven are helping me load up my u-haul and unload it at my new place, so i am very thankful for that. thank you, also, to the other wonderful people who have offered to help or have shown regret at not being able to. i very much appreciate the offers and you can make it up to me by buying me something great for my new place ... like a dining room table. (just kidding ... or am i?) so, this weekend, obviously, is going to be pretty busy, what with the move and then the subsequent unpacking. comcast is supposed to arrive at the apartment on sunday between 10 and 1 which means they'll be there around 4, i'm sure. don't worry, people ... i will be having a dinner party or something at some point soon.

i'm also kind of sad as friday is my last day going to the same dunkin' donuts i've been going to for a long time. i know, i know ... i bitch a lot about bad coffee and lesions and whatnot, but selene, my coffee wife--as she dubbed herself--gave me a huge hug today and told me she's going to miss me. she's been comping my coffee all week and i will honestly miss seeing her. she was always smiling and having a good time. this one goes out to you, selene ...

::pours some coffee out on the ground::

i want to be a part of it ... new york, new york!

2007-10-31T15:14:00.000-04:00

hello there, my loyal fans and fannesses ... i have missed you. did you miss me? i knew you did.

this past weekend, jamie and i traveled up to NYC (brooklyn) to visit my brother and attend a halloween shindig he was planning. all day friday i was dreading the amount of work i was going to have and planning on getting out of work late. usually i get out of work very late on mondays and fridays and so, all day i was praying to the all-powerful workload gods that they would be lenient. apparently my prayers only got halfway through. i looked at my workload and sighed ... i got about 50% more work than i usually get during the week, which is bad. however, upon closer examination i only got about 50% of the work i normally get on fridays, so while i was busy ... i wasn't busy. i managed to leave work a little after 7 p.m., i think, i don't remember, and i went straightaway to jamie's house. i would have been there sooner, but i got lost. i know, i know ... i've been to jamie's house countless times but i had never travelled there immediately after work so i got confused ... it's not very difficult to confuse me.

i meet up with jamie, we shoot the shit for a little bit and then load the car and then depart. bitching betty was all set up, her volume loud enough to be heard over the ipod (80's and 'they might be giants' the whole way). we stopped in deleware at a rest stop overpopulated by truckers, old tourists, thuggy people who pick up old receipts off of urinals to read them as they pee (it happened right next to me. eww. why would you even touch something left on a urinal?) and a troop or two of boyscouts. (shut up, jamie!) see if i ever crack jokes again. apparently i can't even glance at someone w/o jamie thinking i'm a peder. no thank you. so, we picked up a bite to eat at sbarro's (spinach & broccoli pizza pie pocket thingie) and a garlic stick. i also had a piece of the pepperoni and italian sausage pizza. we eat and then resume our trip. we ended up getting up to brooklyn close to 11 pm. we chilled out with my brother, amanda and brian (their roommate). we had a few beers, talked and then called it a night.

author's note: i know that i am repeating a lot of what jamie said.

the next morning we got up and started preparing for the party. i'll summarize:

>> buying groceries
>> pumpkin carving (have pictures)
>> toasting pumpkin seeds
>> buying alcohol
>> picking up leaves (jamie and i)
>> decorating
>> ironing my costume
>> having a couple celebratory beers

as jamie stated in his blog, he wasn't feeling well so i made him walk with me to the store to get some ice and so he could get some fresh air.

after 8 pm the guests begin to arrive. i'm decked out in my nun costume, jamie with his dick in a box, my brother as a brokeback cowboy or woody from toy story ... whatever, and amanda as a mermaid. at first we thought one of the girls was dressed as tootsie from the movie, can you guess it? ... tootsie. apparently, that's her normal garb. wow, new yorkers dress horribly. more on this in a bit*.

so, long story short, all of the guests arrive (whereas only like 1 other person dressed up if you don't count my brother's stalker who is trying very hard to go for that 'single white female' schtick and be, look and act just like him), which ended up being more of brian's friends than my brother's or amanda's. the pumpkin seeds we baked that afternoon (with lots of salt and garlci powder) were a big hit and were cleaned out in fairly short order. we drank, had a great time, and jamie's costume was a big hit until it broke off. his poor, poor dick in a box.

the next morning, jamie, my brother, amanda and i went to teddy's for brunch where i downed 3 bloody marys to recoup from the previous night of drinking while jamie, in his snobbish sort of way, drank mimosas. we ate, went back to the apartment, hung out for a bit, then jamie and i had to leave. we bid them farewell and got on the road. took us about 5 hours due to quite a bit of traffic on the jersey turnpike and at one point, i ended up falling asleep while jamie drove and jammed to bjork.

all in all it was a great weekend and i had a lot of fun and cannot wait to go up there again! it was great to see my brother and meet amanda and i miss them already. i love my brother to death and can't wait to see him again. also, this was jamie's and my first road trip together, we realized, but i hope it was only the first of many. he's a great road trip partner!

*NOTE: new yorkers wear the tightest, thinnest jeans imaginable. it's like baggy pants are sooooo last year. ick.

triumphant return

2007-10-17T09:23:00.000-04:00

it's been some time since i've blogged and i apologize for my absence. i've been working many, many long hours at work and, being that i usually blog at work, i haven't been at my desk for most of those days and when i am, it's a fleeting visit.

lesions and coffee ...
ok, today i'm going to start off with a rant about one of my favorite things to rant about .... dunkin' donuts. man, i'm telling you ... i'm not even a huge fan of their coffee, but it's close and convenient for me when i am on my way to work. i'd be happier if there was a starbuck's or a caribou coffee, however, there isn't. anyway ...

so, today i go in and order my usual. the woman behind the counter taking my order is a person that i've seen maybe one other time in there and she never waited on me and i thought she was only a baker or something. apparently not. she asks if she can help me and my eyes wander to the large lesion blossoming on her left temple ... it looks bloody and i think i detect oozing ... not a pretty image as i order my coffee. she's disheveled and her hair is in disarray and images of the green-faced witch from the bugs bunny cartoons (you know the one where she leaves hairpins spinning in the air as she dashes off after bugs bunny while cackling witchily--is that even a word?). so, i order my coffee and she rings me up and then a guy behind her goes, "oh, we don't have lids so we can give it to you without a lid if you want." um ... what? in hindsight i should have said yes, then spilled it on me and burnt the hell out of my legs and then sued ... yeah, it says "CAUTION: HOT COFFEE" on the cup, but that's assuming that a lid accompanies the cup, yes? anyway, so i get an iced coffee instead. seriously tho? what fucking coffee place doesn't have lids? i mean, that's akin to walking in there and ordering a coffee and them saying, "oh, well, we don't have cups. i can pour it in your hands if you'd like." it's so frustrating. hot coffee is what gets my blood flowing in the morning. fucking dunkin' donuts.

marlboro baby ...
so ... the good mother had her baby, finally ... randy joe is his name ... wait, what? it's a girl, you say? a girl named randy joe? are you fucking kidding me? randy joe? randy joe? randy fucking joe? where the fuck are you from? come to find out, it's actually miranda jo (which, in my opinion, is just as white-trash as 'bobbi sue'). now, on the serious side ... miranda jo was born 4lbs and change ... the poor thing. she's currently in an incubator and it pisses me off that this poor child already has been dealt a shitty hand from the beginning. the good mother is evil.

now, previous to her giving birth to miranda, she was diagnosed with eclampsia, which is a complication of pregnancy involving high blood-pressure which is extremely dangerous for the baby. well, don'tcha know that the good mother signs herself out of the hospital A.M.A. (against medical advice) because they won't let her go down for cigarettes. are you kidding me?? jesus christ!! so, she gets admitted to the hospital again and she tells one of my co-workers that she's being held hostage by the doctors and nurses. they won't let her do anything and they don't know what they are talking about. man ... this woman gets fucking bonkers without her nicotine, doesn't she? anyway, they induced labor, i guess because of complications, and now poor little baby is incubating and i seriously hope that everything goes well for her. as for her mother ... she's going to hell.

move-in date ...
so, i finally got my move-in date for my new apartment in dundalk. i go and sign the lease on the 1st and get my keys and i actually move-in on the 3rd, which is that weekend. i've already contacted BGE and got the ball rolling with them and i've contacted comcast regarding cable and internet, but damn, that shit's expensive so i'm debating on whether i can do without a DVR for a while ... i mean ... it's only $11.00 more a month and it's damn useful and, well .. fuck it, i'm getting it ... so ... i guess i'll call and set up a time for them to come out on the 3rd in the later afternoon to get my shit setup. i can't see the actual moving process taking a long time, though i could be greatly under-estimating the quantity of my shit.

i'm so excited! i can't wait to move in. apparently i share the back wall of the apartment with eric and keith, two of my friends, so that'll be very cool. i know jamie is helping me move and i think steven said he would help as well, but i hafta give him a call. if anyone else wants to help ::cough cough:: mrstwink, theresa ::cough cough:: then let me know. i jest. i think we'll actually have enough people helping assuming steven comes, what with myself, my father, jamie and steven. but don't worry, kiddies ... i'll be having a little housewarming get-together soon. i'm registered at best buy. if you all want to go in together on the 56-inch widescreen tv, that's cool ... i know that even tho i only get one gift from you people, i'll know it's a gift fraught with love.

oh, one other thing i forgot to mention. i just found this funny. i was talking to connie, the apartment manager, about getting the phone numbers for BGE and comcast in that area and as the call was concluding, i told her to have a great day. her response ... "you too, babe." i bet she's cool as shit ... until my toilet breaks ... bitch.

afterparty? more like after-blah-y.

2007-10-03T09:21:00.001-04:00

i can't believe i neglected to relay the most tragic part of this weekend ... the afterparty.

ok, so we leave the club ... i can hardly walk ... standing upright is proving to be difficult ... i'm really ready to go home and go to bed ... yeah ... not quite.

i get informed that we are going to an afterparty at some guy named ron's house. my hopes and dreams dissolve before my eyes ... home was going to be a very long time away ... i could feel it. so, we walk to this guy's house and no one exactly knows where this apartment is and we get to the 6th floor and find what we think is the apartment and everyone is afraid to knock. david is standing in front of the door, so me, being the ass that i am, knock real loud and then run away, leaving david standing there in a state of bewilderment as the door is opened. turns out we had the right place.

they invite us in and the apartment is actually kinda cool, except the pieces of woodchips laying everywhere ... which was from the beautiful puppy they were babysitting. this dog was adorable and very friendly and became my buddy.

ok, let me set the scene ... baltimore apartment ... low lighting ... bachelor furniture ... a dining room table with an enormous, gaudy bouquet of flowers in the center ... a sideboard where the alcohol was ... and that's all i remember about the appearance. oh yeah, and woodchips everywhere. i'll get to that.

ron: ::with a thick slavic accent:: hello. would you like a tour? this is the food. this is the alcohol. please be making a drink.

i look at the drink selections and am amazed by the plethora of alcohol. peach absolut and skyy. that's it. as for mixers? the cranberry juice container is empty ... i ask if he has more.

me: do you have any more cranberry juice? ::i've already filled my plastic cup with a fair amount of peach vodka::
ron: i will check. ::moments later:: i have iced tea.
me: ::shrugs:: ok.

so, i make an icepick with the peach vodka and iced tea and, tho it might be because i was fairly trashed, it tasted ok. of course, now that i am drinking again, i'm getting a bit peckish and i turn my attention to the food. there's a large platter on the dining room table which contained cheese and pepperoni ... 5 pieces of cheese and 2 slices of pepperoni, to be exact. they went all out. we got the leftovers ... both food and drinks. hot!

this other guy from england, tho i can't think of his name, pulls out his travel dj booth and sets up and begins to dj the party which, at this time, included: myself, jamie, tom, david, bob, brie and some other people and the hosts. i'd say about 10 people total. i found this really funny as he had his headphones on, one side off so he could hear the party, and he was spinning like a pro ... it just seemed so out of place.

long story short, i played with the dog most of the party (who was chewing on a branch and leaving woodchips lying all over the apartment. have i mentioned the woodchips yet?), hung out the window with carter and smoked and made fun of the party before we got kicked out at 4 a.m. we had a 1 1/2 hour afterparty. rock on!

after that, jamie, tom and i went to papermoon and had breakfast/dinner/whatever. it was yummy. i got a bleu cheese burger ... zomg, it was amazing. or i was drunk. whatever.

deliveries go in the rear, thank you.

2007-09-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

so, i know it's been a while since i've blogged but i really do have a valid reason ... seeing as i generally only blog from work, i've not been able to lately due to the fact that i have been in a different department and have not had access to my desk or computer for much of last week. i've taken over the position held by 'the good mother' ... at work, not at home. i've seen her boyfriend ... he scares me ... in the dueling banjo's sort of 'scares me.'

so ... a little bit of a recap of the past week:

'the good mother' was out on bed rest then was admitted to the hospital with toxemia. so, on tuesday morning, when she called out because she was getting blood work done, i was shoved into her position (no, not flat on my back) and basically had to do her job with the very limited training that i had received thus far. i managed to hold it together enough to do the job and the following day she was again absent and i had a much easier day of it, again being shunted into her position. i worked in the department for the rest of the week and was told that i did an amazing job seeing as i had only about an hour of training and i quote, "you did better than [the good mother] after 4 days than she does after 5 years." yay me!

call brown
ok, the ups guy who comes to our building is so deadly fine. he's got this brilliant smile and dark hair with light eyes and the only fault i've found in him are his thin legs or chicken legs. other than that, the guy is gorgeous. ok, so, with this new position i had to sign for a package on thursday. i start to sign and made some comment about it not looking like my signature:

me: that doesn't even look like my name.
ups guy: what's your name?
me: geoff.
ups guy: ::looks at signature and then says in a sultry voice with a smirk:: you just need some practice.

i laughed and he climbed into his truck and drove away. i do believe that he flirted with me, tho it wasn't what he said, it was how he said it ... all husky and sultry ... hmm. he could have said "doo-doo rag" like that and i would have been all over him. anyway, so the next day i was outside and i see the ups guys pull up so i walk over to sign for the package again. this time he's got quite a bundle and as he steps down from his truck he says:

ups guy: ::again in a sultry tone:: hey, i've got a big load for you today.

now that was a blatant flirt ... i don't think there's any mistaking it.

the british are coming ... the british are coming!
so, i finally went out this weekend for the first time in months ... like 3 or 4 months, not 100% sure. it's been a long time. anyway ... i had a blast. of course, i got completely shit faced and luckily i didn't make out with anyone or make a fool of myself aside form barrelling my way through a crowd of people to get to the bathroom before i puked everywhere. it was fun.

andy, my friend from england, just got in friday night and it was positively wonderful to see him again. i absolutely adore him and it's always great to hang out with him. he's an amazing guy and for some reason, the moment we met, we just clicked. i'm so glad he's here. he's supposed to be moving to the states soon, though there's no definitely time frame set yet and he thinks he may end up being in NY, which isn't as close as i'd like, but a helluva lot closer than england, so ... all will be good. :)

i also got to see erin and hot 'straight' james on friday night. boy is he ever delicious. mmm. i haven't seen them in a very long time ... i think since the night that terri, david and i picked them up alongside the road when the cab they were in sped off when james had him stop so he could be sick outside. all i remember from that night is comforting this guy as he puked in a gas station garbage can amidst a large crowd of thugs in a fairly not so great part of baltimore ... i feared for my life that night ... i really did. especially when one of the guys goes ... "are you fags?" i snapped at him and swished my hips and settled a cold stare on his face ... "no," i said.

so ... saturday i didn't do shit but huddle on jamie's sofa all day and watch tv with him. that's it. i didn't leave his house until around 7:30 that night because i was hungover and movement hurt. i'm better now.

ok, i think that's it for now. i can't think of anything else to blog about. if i think of anything i'll be back. until then.

news flash!!

2007-09-19T08:02:00.000-04:00

this just in ... the good mother has upgraded!!

marlboro lights are no more ... she's moved on to cowboy killers! that's right, ladies and gentlemen ... she and her fetus are now enjoying the full flavor of marlboro reds.

when she moves on to crack, i will be sure to let you know.

ramblings ...

2007-09-18T14:16:00.001-04:00

this is going to be a short post as:

a) i have nothing really to blog about.
b) i'm tired.

i will start off by saying that apparently i ruffled some feathers (to steal your term, mrs.twink) about my comments regarding dundalk, however, this is my blog and i can say what i damn well want to, prejudices or not and all i've ever heard about dundalk are the 'white trash' references or i see the eye rolls when i mention the town. there's lots of places in maryland that are white trash, i just chose to post about dundalk because i am moving there. perhaps i'll make a weekly segment of white trash areas in and around baltimore. next week: pasadena! (jk jamie)

so, a reader left some comments and i've yet to check out the poster's website with pictures of the "beauty of dundalk," so as of yet i have no idea what he is referring to as the only "beauty of dundalk" i've seen so far was the woman with the wild hair carrying a garbage bag across the street, her knitted booties slipping off her feet as she meandered in front of me. she was beautiful. especially her hair that had yellowed from years of cigarette smoke.

i make no apologies for what i say here except that i'm sorry people seem to not take my opinion as just that ... my opinion.

moving on ...

6 of the 7 contractors here at work are being let go ... i, thankfully, am not one of them. i did call my contracting agency to see if they had heard anything to this effect and i was informed that the only time my company has contacted them for any reason was to start the process to being me on permanently. yay. so, yet again i get some more evidence of my company acquiring my exceptional talents permanently, however, this does little good until it actually happens.

i found out a couple of the permanent employees who received the email about temp employees being let go and that mandatory overtime was going to be enacted, emailed my boss with: "please tell me geoff isn't included in the ones getting let go." aww, that makes my heart get all fuzzy and warm ... or that's arrhythmia, not sure. but, yay, i'm liked. unless i talk about dundalk.

ending ...

ok, so, i'm done blogging today. i'm exhausted. i started my new schedule at work yesterday and didn't actually get out of here until almost 9 p.m. last night. it was a long, long day filled with lots and lots of work. ugh.

Particle Man ... Particle Man ... Doing the things that a particle can ...

2007-09-14T09:27:00.000-04:00

wednesday night i went to ramshead live in baltimore to see They Might Be Giants with jamie, terri and theresa. we decided that we wanted to eat before the concert which was a fabulous idea as we were all hungry. so, i met up with jamie at his place around 4:30 and we hop in the car, queueing up some pre-concert TMBG to get us more in the mood, though i was already in the mood ... i love TMBG!

anyway, so we stop off at theresa's place which looks like one of those kitchy ikea-esque stores with the random items scattered about the place (decorative luggage with travel stickers, plates on the walls, lots of wood and leather, you get the point.) i mean, the house was very cute, but i was definitely expecting someone to come up to me and ask me if i needed help finding something.

me: oh, no thanks. i'm just browsing.

so, we pile into the car and, still listening to TMBG, drive to ramshead live and we park in the parking garage on, wait for it .... gay street! you wanna know how i knew it was gay street? even the buildings looked bitchy.

we meet miss. terri out front of ramshead live and we go in, produce out tickets, get stamped and are led upstairs where, will wonders never cease, we run into jamie's sister and her new husband. we get this cute waitress named kimberly and boy was she saucy. of course, jamie had to ask her how her fish taco tasted. she found quite a bit of humor with that until she unloaded her piche on the table for all to see. ok, so that last part didn't happen, but i wouldn't put it past some of these baltimorons.

ok, so we order our food--starting off with slices of deep fried heaven (potato skin things)--and then we get our entrees which we received before jamie's sister and her beau (they ordered a while before us) and even before TMBG was served! woot! we're VIPs, baby! my steak was a bit tough and i found a nice chunk of gristle in the middle while the bed of garlic mashers left much to be desired. however, the beers were good so i think i filled up on those. i went outside to have a cigarette right after i ate and when i came back in i found the door locked. OH NO! i didn't know what to do, so i asked a passing waitress how to get back upstairs and i informed her that it was locked. she went and got a hot security guy to lead me upstairs and as i was walking through the auditorium, i got to see john and john walking through to their area. it was cool!

fast forward a bit ...
we stood up on the balcony watching the crowd below us and, being the catty bitches we are, made fun of the people on the first floor because, well ... that's how we roll. off to the side, down by the sound booth, a guy wearing an 'army' shirt was all but putting his thing inside his girlfriend and the two of them together looked like they met at an "ugly-singles speed dating." i don't mean to make fun of people's looks and had they not been groping each other the way they were, i probably wouldn't have been disgusted by them and their lack of couth. ANYway ...

the concert is opened by oppenheimer and they were really good and then TMBG came on. they stated in the beginning they would be playing songs from their new album and 'the spine' and we took that to mean they would only be playing newer stuff. i must admit i was a bit disappointed as i really wanted to hear some of their older songs. they certainly didn't disappoint. their second song of the night was "birdhouse in your soul," which i love!

um, what else. oh yeah, i got hit on by the female bartender, which is fun. she was cute but missing one key ingredient for THIS gay pie.

long story short (too late, i know!) ... i had an amazing time at the concert! i got to see TMBG again and i love them and we are probably going to see them in D.C. when they come back in november! i'm so glad i got to spend time with jamie, terri and theresa and tracy and her beau! thank you guys for making it a great concert!

<3 you!

dundalk, dundalk, let's all move to fundalk!

2007-09-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

dundalk is the place to be ... white trash living is the life for me ... (to the tune of green acres)
well, this week i received some good news in the form of a rental application approval. that's right, folks! you're looking at the next dundalkian! wooooooooooooo hoooooooooooo! i already have the cement blocks ready to hoist my jeep up onto when i'm not using it and i've taken a baseball bat to an old television, which i will unceremoniously dump on the lawn out front along with a few empty cans of busch beer.

the apartment is vacated at the end of this month then they go in, clean, repair, replace, yadda, yadda, yadda and by the beginning of october, it should be ready for me to move in! yay! i'll be hot cop eric's neighbor!

the good mother strikes again ...
check out this new shirt! i couldn't help but laugh when i saw this and, once again, ran inside to get my camera phone. gee, you're pregnant? i couldn't tell, what with a cigarette in your hand!

her poor, unborn, nicotine-addicted baby. better get that kid the patch now ... she's going to be too young for the gum!

trick or tr--naw, just trick ...

2007-09-04T06:20:00.000-04:00

this weekend miss terri and i decided to do dinner and a movie ... to some it might have looked like a cute little couple out on the town but in reality it was just a fag and his hag--fruit fly ... that's what you are, terri, but it doesn't rhyme with 'fag'.

so, we decided that we'd start off with the movie since it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon and neither of us was that hungry. now, to decide what movie to watch. we looked at 'balls of fury' and 'superbad' but finally, for some reason, decided to go see 'halloween," per the recommendation of a good friend of mine.

can i just tell you ... that night i had nightmares about that movie. no, no, no ... michael myers wasn't chasing me ... no, my nightmare involved me sitting through that fucking movie again. i'm not sure what i went into the theater expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't the piece of steaming crap i got. i loved the original with jamie lee-hermaphrodite-curtis and i thought perhaps this movie might be a nice little departure from the original ... same basic storyline, but with updated environment and fresh new faces. i was wrong. sure, the story focused more on the rise of michael myers, where he came from, that sort of thing. i did like that part of the movie and, honestly, the only good acting in the entire film was michael myers' hookerish-stripper mom and doctor loomis, played by malcolm mcdowel, but even he wasn't overly great. i think i liked him better in 'tank gil.' (note: if you haven't seen 'tank girl' i highly recommend it. i love lori petty and she's hilarious in that flick. lori petty, in case you don't know, is the younger sister in 'a league of their own,' which is another favorite movie of mine.)

so, we sat through the 2+ hours of this crap and at the end when the credits began to roll, terri and i both go, "no wonder," when we see rob zombie's name as the director. now, don't get me wrong. i loved 'house of 1000 corpses' and 'the devil's rejects,' but he really needs to stick with those types of fucked up movies instead of taking classics and trying to remake them. thumbs down to you, mr. zombie, for your feeble attempt.

before the credits even got into full swing, the theater began clearing out. the houselights hadn't even come on yet and people were making a mad dash for the exit to try and distance themselves from the disaster they'd just watched. i want my money back and 2+ hours of my life.

after the movie, terri and i went to duclaw and got ourselves a beer as we waited to order. we started off with a seared tuna appetizer, which was actually quite tasty. i had an arizona charbroiled burger, cooked to med. well and terri had a chicekn sandwich. it was all pretty good and our waiter was cute. we sat and shot the shit for a while before getting up and strolling over to dave & buster's, which i had never been to. it wasn't very exciting inside and i was bored so we left. we walked the mall for a few before stopping at starbuck's and then heading out.

we said our goodbyes and parted ways. i went home and promptly fell asleep.

the moral of this story: go see halloween. it was amazing! don't believe me? ... check the newspaper. it was the number one movie this weekend! just goes to show that americans are retarded.

catching up ...

2007-08-30T07:05:00.000-04:00

it's been a while since i have posted and i apologize to all of my loyal fans ... both of you rock! i've been real busy with work and my real life issues. so, i'm sorry.

this blog is going to be broken up in a few segments and will, most likely, be a long one so i apologize for the length.

what's that in my rear view ... mirror?
ok, earlier in the week, i think it was monday, i was coming home from work and had just gotten off 195 onto 170 and i checked my rear view mirror to see, obviously, what was behind me. now, i've been told i have amazing eyes but today my stare must have been especially intense and i think i scared my rear view mirror because as i was looking into it, it fell off my windshield. yup, looks like the glue finally gave out. the "permanent" glue that has only been on there for like 2 years finally gave in. i only hope i don't look at people as intensely as i must have been looking into my mirror ... i'd hate for one of my friends to just shatter into a thousand pieces. that would make me sad.

my mullet is my co-pilot ...
i decided that i should probably go out and get a rear view mirror repair kit, so that's what i did. on the way home as i was driving down the main road leading to my street, the two lanes merge to one and there was a car in the right lane that was going to have to merge left. i was feeling generous today so i let them in and i got a wave, which seems to be uncommon. usually when i let people in, they think they've snuck in or "beat me" and managed to get in front of me whereas in reality, i'm braking to let them in front of me because that's what gentlemen do and i, my good sirs and madams, am a gentleman.

anyway, so i let this person in and i notice that they have the most beautiful mullet i have ever seen on a person. it glistens in the dappled sunlight through the trees and flows ever so perfectly on the buffets of wind coming in through their window. it seems to be lightly curled in the back and then relaxed to give it that "it's a natural curl," look. i. am. in. awe.

it doesn't stop there, folks. i notice that this person is awfully beefy looking, from what i can tell being positioned behind them, but they are moving around a lot in their car and i can't help but notice that they seem to be full of muscle. ladies and gentlemen ... i think i found myself behind tony little. (omg, please check out that link ... make sure your volume isn't too loud. i about died laughing!)

look at me when i talk to you .... i said look at me .... hello? over here ... look at me, please ...
ok, so the other day at work, a woman i work with who also happens to be a lesbian (not daisy dyke) tells me she wants to go outside with me the next time i go out. ok, whatever. so, when i take my break i go and grab her.

senora dyke: oh, man, geoff ... i had a great time this weekend. hung out with some friends and met this new guy. he was really sweet.
me: ::knows where this is going:: oh ya? very cool.
senora dyke: yeah, he's really sweet and funny and i thought, "you know ... i bet geoff would like him."
me: ::wins the bet i had with myself on whether it would lead to this:: oh? is he cute? (always the first question gays ask, right?)
senora dyke: he is. he's got some latin in him and he's very nice.
me: ::notices she's stressing the 'very nice' portion:: ya? what's he look like?
senora dyke: black hair and, well, he's cute. ::she laughs::
me: ::i'm so done with this conversation:: oh, well, cool.
senora dyke: oh, and he's blind. he's got a seeing eye dog and everything.
me: ::almost chokes:: he's blind? gee, what are you trying to tell me, [name]?
senora dyke: oh, stop. you know i think you're adorable.
me: so adorable you try and hook me up with a blind guy? am i quasimodo? does my hump show? ::stops with the jokes at the look on her face::
senora dyke: he's a really nice guy.

ok ... i'm a bit of an asshole when it comes to disabilities with potential dates. i stopped seeing one guy because i thought he was partially retarded. no lie. i'm horrible, i know, but i'm sorry. it's who i am. i'll be your friend, but i won't date you.

i did date a young kid when i was living in d.c.--before i moved to massachusetts--who was deaf. he was either going to or finished with gallaudet. he was a great kid and we 'broke up,' if you will, because of issues, not which one of them was being deaf, btw.

now, being blind is a bit different and i could totally go out on a date with a blind person--secretly i'd be petting his dog!--as long as he didn't have those weird eyes. i've seen some blind guys with beautiful crystal blue eyes and they look normal, they're just broken. but then there are some blind guys with facial deformity or the 'cloudy' eyes ... i'm sorry, but i won't be able to get past that. i'm a shallow, heartless person. so, if this guy has normal features and normal looking eyes, sure ... i'll go on a date with him.

i'l will keep you updated if anything happens with this. might be kinda fun dating someone who can't see. i can pick my nose ... scratch my balls ... fart, then run away and blame it on his dog. oh, the fun times to be had.

moving on up ... to the dundalk side .... to a deluxe 3rd floor apartment in the skyyyyyy ....
so i talked with the leasing agent for this apartment in dundalk that i've been eyeing up and apparently i wrote down the wrong amount of money on the income section of the application and she was going to deny me because i didn't gross enough income for their standards. i was pretty bummed.

so hung up the phone with her and looked at my pay stub and was like, "wait, wtf," and i called her right back.

me: hi, connie, it's me again. you said gross, right?
connie: yeah.
me: ::puts on idiot face:: i wrote down my net-monthly instead of gross-monthly, i think.
connie: oh?
me: yeah, i'm sorry. i gross [amount] per week.
connie: oh, god, you're fine then. your credit's great, you make enough money. no problems.

so, yay. the apartment opens up in october so hopefully i'll be moving in! yay!

my timing couldn't be more perfect

2007-08-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

immediately after posting my last blog i went outside and a few seconds later, the good mother came outside to have a cigarette. some of you may have already heard me talk about the good mother, but in case you haven't, here's a recap.

the good mother does what every good mother does ... she prepares her unborn baby for the trials and tribulations of the world, not to mention it's addictions. the good mother has decided that she would start her child early on caffeine and nicotine and thus, drinks coffee every morning and smokes cigarettes throughout the day. i find this completely appalling.

however ... this is the image i saw waddling toward me and i just had to snap a picture of it.

'precious cargo' indeed. please note the pack of cigarettes in her right hand and the one smoldering away ready to be inhaled.

can anyone be more hypocritical?

::yawn::

2007-08-21T13:28:00.000-04:00

wow ... i can't believe that it has been over a week since i last posted. i've been really busy at work (which is where i do most of my postings) and thus haven't been able to write anything noteworthy. i've managed a comment or two here and there and the occasional email, but that's about it.

this past week has been fairly uneventful and yet another reason i haven't posted anything. can you believe that nothing funny or exciting has happened to me all week? i think the world's ending! i know i have a tidbit or two for you tho ... lemme see.

1. i've put in for an application for an apartment in dundalk in the same complex that my friend eric lives in. dundalk ......... say it with me ........ dunnnnnnnnn daaaaaaaaaaaaaalk. meh, desperate times call for desperate measures.

2. they called me later in the week requesting further information ... i've yet to hear back from them. i hope in this case, 'no news is good news'. meh.

3. today i just got asked if i'd like to learn how to work on a different project within my company which, ultimately, could spell: "p-e-r-m-a-n-e-n-t e-m-p-l-o-y-e-e." i said yes and informed her that i was interested in learning all aspects within the company. believe it or not, i do know how to schmooz. i begin training next monday.

4. my jeep leaked a bit on me on the way to work today and it ran down my leg and looked like i pissed myself. ::not thrilled::

5. i've finished reading the second harry potter book again. on to #3. i'm catching quite a bit re-reading them like this and, since i love the story anyway, it's enjoyable all over again.

6. i adore mrs.twink. we were discussing offensive words and how she knows i would never do anything to offend her and she said that she would be afraid for the day that i actually did try to offend her. i asked why. apparently i'm clever and witty and catty and have a knack at saying hurtful things to people. i take that as a compliment. my friends have nothing to fear ... all others, beware.

my god this is a boring blog post. i just read it and i am thoroughly disgusted with my lack of wit and humor. oh well, too late now. i typed it all and i'm not letting that sneaky-avoid-the-boss'-eye-while-blogging subterfuge go to waste.

men are pigs ...

2007-08-13T13:01:00.000-04:00

quick recap:

this weekend was fairly uneventful save for a birthday party we had on saturday for bob (and later i found out, matt). like all good gay events, this party had a theme to it and this party's theme was "gay prom" or "80's prom" however you wanted to look at it. all the decorating was done in shades of the rainbow (thus gay) and we had several ipods there with 80's playlists. i had a great time and terri and jamie did a fantastic job decorating (utilizing some of the decorations that terri and i had put up previously for jamie's party). i didn't drink a whole lot and thus was able to drive home, leaving the party a little after midnight.

ok, now to the subject of this blog ... men are pigs ...

this afternoon in the men's room i stepped up to the urinal to 'make water' and what do my wandering eyes behold? a nice juicy booger on the wall. i mean, seriously? most of the men can probably relate to seeing this sort of thing in a public restroom and, though technically the bathrooms here at work are considered public, one might expect a slightly higher decorum when in a professional location. yeah, not so much. i was thoroughly disgusted by this find and i stepped away from the urinal with a feeling in my stomach that i can't describe. i mean, this thing was mere inches from my face. that is certainly not something i want any part of my body near, in the restroom or otherwise. ugh. yeah, we all get boogers, but there's this new invention out called a tissue. please use it.

as i began washing my hands i happened to glance up and what did i spy? another juicy boogey clinging to the wall for dear life above the mirror. now, the mirror is approximately 2 feet higher in height than the top of my head so that one took some skill to get it up there and to stick with superfluous dexterity.

i work in an environment of retards, idiots and now, pigs with professional booger flinging ability.

::joy::

someone rescue me.

i'm half tempted to take a snapshot with my phone so you all can share in the bounty of crusty nasal discharge.

last night we went greek ... again!

2007-08-09T06:18:00.000-04:00

last night was an unofficial blogger convention and included 3 bloggers and 2 non-bloggers ... they were pretty much shunned for the entire evening. poseurs!

the plan was to meet at mr. and mrs.twink's house at some time ... uh ... times got a little confusing at one point. you see, i originally thought the planned gathering time was 5:30 ... mrs.twink actually said it was 6:00 and, well, jamie wanted to hit the gym before he came out and asked if we could meet at 6:30 ... well, i had a long day at work, got home, chilled out for a bit, showered all the sweaty filth from my body and left for their house. i forget stuff when i'm exhausted.

oh, i just have to tell you a quick story while i was on the way there. at the toll booths at the harbor tunnel, some idiot woman had stopped in the ez-pass lane and started holding up traffic. apparently she thought it was a cash lane but when she got up to the booth, she noticed no one inside to give money to. well, the horns started blaring; people started shouting. she throws the car in park and gets out. i smelled trouble brewing and was waiting for the crack! crack! crack! of automatic weaponry ... i happened to be in the next lane over. not thrilled about this and the possible outcomes of any confrontation:

man: go!
idiot woman: i don't have ez-pass! i thought this was a cash lane!
man: just fucking go through it!
idiot woman: didn't you hear me?!
man: they'll send you a ticket in the mail!
idiot woman: they'll send me a ticket? oh hell no! ::clutches 2 dollars in her hand and comes into my lane to pay the woman at my booth::

thankfully i paid just as she walked over and i was able to leave all that road-ragey drama behind. phew!

so ... while driving through the harbor tunnel a revelation occurred to me ... i think we're supposed to meet at 6:30 ... i look at my watch ... 5:10 pm. shit ... i'm over an hour early. as soon as i pass through the tunnel i call mrs.twink. i got her voicemail.

me: ::in a meek voice:: um, mrs.twink ... i, um ... i think i made a boo-boo. ::laughs a bit:: um ... call me as soon as you get this, please. thank you.

i get to their house, i park, i sit, i wait ... a few minutes later she calls back and i explain the situation.

me: i'm so sorry. i could have sworn the meeting time was 5:30 but when i got into the tunnel i started thinking that maybe it was 6:30.
mrs.twink: you're here now?
me: yes?
mrs.twink: oh. my. god. my house is so not clean. i was going to clean before everyone got here!
me: oh, i'll just wait outside in the stifling heat. i'll be fine.
mrs.twink: ::laughs:: you can come in, it's fine.

her and i watched "the world series of pop culture" for a while and i mastered the 'james bond' category. it was fun.

fast forward >>>

the mr. comes home ... theresa shows up ... jamie shows up ... we go to eat.

we walked to samos and mrs.twink puts her name down and while waiting to be seated this young asian kid comes in, about 18 or 19 ... college age kid ... and i'm laughing and i can't stop. mrs.twink thinks i am laughing because i look at him and then look at her and it's some sort of asian thing. not even close. without divulging too much detail, let's just say this kids pants were a little snug in the front. that's all i'm saying. a few minutes later he's joined by another guy and they give a quick furtive touch ... nervous because they are two gays guys in a crowded restaurant so i start talking about gay things, outing myself to them, perhaps to ease the tension they're feeling. i remember those days. strength in numbers!! it must have worked because shortly after, the one guy puts his arm around the kid and they hold each other for a few seconds. awww. now ... what's strange about all of this is the old man they apparently were there to meet. now, when you have a coupling like this there are generally only two conclusions: a) he's their sugar daddy, or b) he's the filmographer for the amateur porn they'll be performing later. it was a bit disturbing.

anyway ... dinner was fabulous ... the company was by far the best thing of the evening and i had an amazing time. i always do when i hang out with my friends and i absolutely love jamie, mrs.twink, the mr. and theresa. i especially like propositioning the mr. for a trade in "favors" for the borrowing of some of my ps2 games. whee. a girl's gotta get it any way she can!

i <3 you guys!

another colorful character ...

2007-08-08T08:20:00.000-04:00

another post for you all about one of my co-workers, old skool. this woman is by far one of the funniest women i work with and she has some pretty funny stories and her nickname denotes the fact that she is a hardcore, OG (original gangster). yesterday her rant was about a man, recently, who forgot he left his young child in the car seat when he went to work and on his lunch came out to find his child had died. the temperature in the car had reached a high of 130 degrees, basically frying the child's brain. it's very tragic and i can't believe someone is stupid enough to forget their child in a car on an uber-hot summer day.

old skool: you hear about dat guy who left his baby in the car when he went to work?
me: oh, shit.
old skool: yeah, no doubt! i hate it when people leave their pets in the car, but a baby?! he forgot to drop the kid off at day-care.
me: fucking idiot.
old skool: no shit. i'da broken out dat damn window, then call the po-po. go ahead and arrest me, mr police officer ... arrest me for breaking the window! i'd say, "i didn't know how long dat baby was in dat car, officer! i was saving its life!" yeah, so he come out to the car at lunch and was like, "oh shit." the baby was dead.
me: ::disgusted noise::
old skool: he needs to be left in a car in 199 degree weather. how do people do that? how do you forget you have a baby in the car?

granted, that conversation isn't particularly funny, what with the topic being so tragic, but if you could have seen her actions when she was relating it to us ... priceless. she's very animated and all but goes crazy. another conversation we had a couple of months ago was a bit funnier.

old skool: so, get this. my cousin, shantrell, almost killed her husband.
me: ::laughs with a raised eyebrow:: oh really?
old skool: yeah, she stabbed him with her stiletto! the bitch wrapped her shoe straps around her hand ... she wasn't going to lose that shit ... and started beating him in the head and his chest and dat mother fucking heel stabbed him in his chest like 5 times. ::she shows us how it happened:: wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! i was like, "why he bleeding? i didn't see no knife!" blood all pouring down his chest and there's shantrell, crazy looking, her weave hanging off, holding a stiletto shoe in her hand, blood dripping from the heel! crazy woman!
me: ::laughing hysterically::
old skool: i'm serious, geoff! wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! blood everywhere! don't piss of a woman with stilettos! you know there's a metal rod in the heal? no wonder it stabbed. that plastic breaks off you got a shank!
me: why did she do this?
old skool: that [insert n word here] was cheating on her. i'da done the same thing to him, except he'd be dead. ain't no going half way when it's up to me!

keep in mind, again, the entire time she's relating all of this information to us, she's laughing her ass off and going through the motions from tying the shoe straps around her wrist to slamming the shoe into his chest to his actions as he clutches at the wounds and staggers away. fucking hilarious. that was one of those days that i laughed so hard i almost cried.

you know, i think daisy dyke snagged video of one of her conversations with her phone. if i can get it from her, i will try and find a way to get a 15 second clip posted on the page.

overheard at the copier ...

2007-08-07T13:02:00.000-04:00

ok, a couple of things. this will be a very short blog today ... i'm working hard!

overheard at the copier just 5 minutes ago:
i have the reflexes of a jaguar. ~ said by a 300+ lb. guy i work with. i have no idea what led up to this statement, but i found it humorous.

correction: yesterday i stated that the 'hell's kitchen' finale was going to be on that night. i was mistaken. it was the 2nd to last show. damn. it was good, tho. i hate rock!

T.G.I.M?

2007-08-06T06:48:00.000-04:00

ugh ... monday morning ... my eyes are still half-shut ... my vision is somewhat blurry ... i keep yawning ... my head aches ... i look out my window here at work and i keep seeing prancing ponies drinking day old coffee while smoking exploding cigars ... i'm pretty sure i'm still dreaming.

i hate mondays. i know that is what everyone says, but seriously ... i really, really hate mondays.

the only benefit to today is that, tonight the 'hell's kitchen' finale comes on. yay! i do so love that show. i'm looking forward to see who wins. i hate rock, because he's a total asshole and he thinks he's the shit. on the other hand, the blond chick--i forget her name--is dumb as a brick and i'm really surprised she made it as far as she did. i think chef ramsey likes her tits. who knows? regardless, i can't wait to see how she decides to decorate her side of the restaurant. seeing as she's a nanny, i'm wondering if it'll have clowns with balloons, clouds, teddy bears and giant storks painted on the walls and ceiling. should be a treat to watch.

so, this weekend was fairly uneventful for me, which i am liking more and more as the weeks go by. i'm not going out to the clubs as much because i need to save money. i average between $40-$80 a night at the club when i go. oy. i need to save that.

instead, i went to matt and jessica's for dinner on friday. the food was amazing. steven brought paul, the resident vegetarian, and so matt prepared quite a few vegetable dishes that were to die for: asparagus with pine nuts and white wine, grilled portabella mushrooms, thinly sliced grilled eggplant, mashed potatoes with fried onions and a wonderful mixed green salad with crumbles of bleu cheese. it was all so very tasty. the meat course consisted of apricot glazed pork chops which tasted as good as if jesus christ himself stood at the grill wearing an apron that read, "kiss the cook." we had a glass of wine with dinner which was a nice reisling that would have tasted better chilled (just kidding matt). after our meal we had homemade pistachio cake and ho-made brownies (jamie is the ho that made the brownies.) the highlight of the evening, however, is when matt and jessie's son began to mock steven: laughing like him, saying the same things; slapping the table like him. i think steven was getting offended. lol. it was pretty funny. it was a great night.

saturday morning i drove out to annapolis to have my VEIP test done. i took 450 out and it was a nice relaxing drive through a very wooded area that had me flashing back to the area i lived in when i was in massachusetts. the dappled sunlight through the trees overhead ... the curvy, twisting roads winding through the forest ... trailers with junk and old toys in the front lawn. ahh ... the wonderful sights of trailer trash.

i passed my VEIP test, no problem. i really didn't expect a problem considering i just replaced the entire exhaust system on the jeep only last year. i'm glad i went though, because there was a really hot guy working at the VEIP testing place ... he was rather grungy, but in that hot mechanic sort of way. i felt a tingling.

on the way home i decided to stop by a yard sale. i love yard sales. sometimes you can find great shit for pennies on the dollar but i think i like going to yard sales most of all because people sell the weirdest shit imaginable. case and point: several old pairs of underwear, both in adult and child sizes. are you kidding me? who in their right mind would buy underwear from a yard sale? why would anyone even dare to put them on sale? of course, they caught my eye and i wandered over and began leafing through them like i was interested. i'm sure the other people at the sale were like, "ooh, look at that guy browsing through the used underwear." i didn't buy any, i just did it for shock value and to satisfy my own curiosity. the underwear actually looked pristine in their cleanliness, however, bleach does wonders. i was only about 5 minutes from home at this point and i left the underwear unpaid for on the table amid old ashtrays and a cuckoo clock with a bent minute hand and missing one of those pine cone weights that hang down. i washed my hands thoroughly when i got home--just in case--and took a clorox sani-wipe to my stearing wheel and stick shift. one can never be too careful.

other than that, my weekend was just relaxing. i read most of the 1st harry potter book (i'm rereading them all now that i have all 7 and won't have to wait a year in between them) and played my FFXI game. that's it. i know i missed some calls this weekend and i'm sorry. i'll make it up to everyone!

how was everyone else's weekend? do anything exciting?

only you can prevent forest fires ... dining with dad ... another bad coffee day ...

2007-08-03T06:17:00.000-04:00

only you can prevent forest fires ...
yesterday afternoon, around 1:00, daisy dyke and i were outside and we noticed a smell hovering in the air. daisy thought that it smelled like a brush fire while i, being the oh-so-butch fag that i am, thought it smelled like burning sawdust ... or that smell when you are using a circular saw on a piece of wood and leave it to long in one spot and it burns. (yes, i am very handy when working with wood ... no innuendo intended .... or is there?)

so, the smell is getting stronger the longer we're out there. now, i must mention that previously, around noon, i had been outside and smelled the same thing but didn't think too much about it. however, when i leaned up against daisy's suv this time and was talking to her, my eyes drifted down and lo-and-behold, there was the source of the unknown smell. apparently, some brilliant person--a co-worker i'm sure--decided to flick their cigarette into the arizona-dry mulch that circled the base of a small tree that offers a small respite from the blaring sun. in a perfect circumference around the cigarette--which at this point is nothing but a really long ash and the tail end of a filter--was a smoldering circle of burnt mulch. not burning enough to create a lot of smoke, but enough that i am sure if left unattended, would have blazed to life at the next strong wind.

so, being the ever vigilant follower of smokey the bear's advice that i am, i began frantically stomping on the burning circle ... it wasn't only on the surface. apparently it had been burning long enough that it started to burn down into the mulch, not just outward in a widening circle. so, i continued my stomping and scraping and digging with the toe of my shoe. needless to say, there's a large hole today where there wasn't one yesterday, but i saved the lives of my co-workers and the tree that offers little to no shade.

i. am. a. hero.

dining with dad ...
last night i had dinner with my father. we went to the '4 seasons,' which is a mediterranean-fusion restaurant in the waugh chapel shopping center. it was fairly crowded when we walked in, but we were seated almost immediately--it helps that i'm so famous ... for all the wrong reasons--and i ordered a captain and coke while my father got a pina colada. the inside was cute, though one of the tragedies of the place was that emerill was on the television at the far end of the room and i kept glancing up at his portly mug, though i tried in vain to look away.

for an appetizer, we got the steamed mussels in this garlic, tomato sauce. they were actually very tasty. i was still fairly undecided on my entree so when she came back i had to make a quick decision. i was oscillating between the 'airline' chicken (not sure wtf that name means, but whatever) and the seared yellowfin tuna. i'm a big fan of seared tuna, but the chicken just sounded so good. i went with the tuna.

me: i'd like the yellowfin tuna, please, lightly seared.
waitress: medium rare?
me: lightly seared.
waitress: you want it rare?
me: ::smiles:: yes please.

my father got the stuffed shrimp.

fast forward >>

dinner arrives and i can already tell that my tuna is overcooked, but i decide to cut into it anyway and see. it was definitely not rare but was in fact, medium ... not even medium rare as she had so diligently tried to push on me. whatever ... i tend to avoid confrontation in a restaurant as i don't want the cooks and/or the wait staff to fuck with my food so i ate it. it was tasty, despite the obvious fault, and was covered in sauteed tomatoes, chunks of fresh garlic, capers, a bit of onion and gorgonzola cheese.

aside from obvious flaws with our dining, it wasn't half bad.

another bad coffee day ...
this morning i arrived at dunkin' donuts at my usual appointed time and what greeted me as i walked up the steps and grasped the door handle? a locked door. are you kidding me?

i peered through the glass ... no movement ... a veritable ghost-town.

unknown voice: geoff?

i whipped around to see one of the employees sitting in her van with the door open, just chilling out. i don't know her name so don't ask. she proceeded to inform me that one of the coffee bitch managers hadn't shown up and they are the only ones with the keys. i was so not impressed. i couldn't wait all day so what did i do?

i went to the gas station and made my own coffee with the brown swill they serve there. ugh ... gas station coffee is notoriously disgusting and i certainly wasn't disappointed when i took my first sip. it's like someone used a damp rag and cleaned up a bunch of spilled coffee then rung it out in the carafe. i added hazelnut cream to it and these new little concentrated espresso shots and viola ... barely passable, yet drinkable, coffee.

today sucks. it's friday. i'm clinging to that.

i certainly hope everyone else has a wonderful day. as mrs.twink stated previous, we're comment whores ... do be our johns ... pay us in comments ... i'll give you head.

relocating ... getting passed over ... general hodge-podge

2007-08-01T11:34:00.000-04:00

recently i've found it in my best interest to find a new place to live. i won't go into specifics as, really, it's no ones business and the ones who know me and are important to me know what is going on anyway. however, let's just say my current living arrangement is less than desirable and has been for some time.

i've been apartment hunting in various areas and i've found a location that seems like a good spot, aside from one detail which i will get to in a minute.

i took a look at the floor plan of this location and it's a 1 bedroom, 1 bath with kitchen, living room/dining room and appears to have lots of closet space, so that's a plus. the asking price for it is $585.00 with utilities included. i especially like the the sound of the last part ... say it with me people ... "utilities included." the community actually has a laundromat on site and is well within walking distance from a couple grocery stores and other amenities. i can swing $585/mo, give or take a few dollars.

now, the bad part ... it's in (dun dun dun ......) dundalk. anyone who knows me knows that i have an aversion to dundalk ... i generally close my eyes while in dundalk, even when i'm driving--which really makes for interesting lane changes. now ... i've talked myself into swallowing a fair amount of my pride and living among the classless society known as white trash and right now i will live with the motto: "beggars can't be choosers" ... which could be why many of dundalk's inhabitants appear homeless.

ok, perhaps i am being a bit harsh ... i have friends that live in or around dundalk and i would never classify them as white trash. i think they're the proverbial 'diamond in the rough' and i would never judge them for where they live ... especially when there are plans on my horizon to be joining them. oy. i've just never heard of anything good coming from dundalk and i'm afraid people won't visit me while i live there. assuage my fears, my friends ... promise me that if i move to dundalk you won't think any less of me. pinky swear.

i will keep you updated as further details are known

moving on ....

i just found out today that i got passed over for a permanent position here where i work. as of right now i am classified as a 'contractor' which, as we all know, is a glorified term for 'temp.'

recently quite a few people were laid off due to the end of a contract and of those people getting laid off, several were selected to fill in open spots in other areas working on other projects. one of the people slated to get laid off was actually given the position that my boss wanted me for, but realized that if she were to offer the job to a 'temp' instead of a permanent employee who was to be laid off, there could be some ramifications so, tada ... i got passed over. i'm sad a bit by it because i really need job stability right now, however, i'm glad that someone didn't lose their job. i'm being pulled from both sides on this one.

one bright side of learning all of this, however, is that now i have concrete proof that my manager is really taking steps to hire me on full time and give me the stability i need. previously it was just speculation: why would they take the time to train me in all these other systems and software unless they were going to keep me? why would they move my desk to sit with all the other permanent people and leave all the other 'temps' there? so on, so forth.

moving on some more ...

there's a new person working at dunkin' donuts ... to call him retarded would be an insult ... not to him, but to mentally handicapped people everywhere. people with downe's look at him and are like, "wow .. he's fucking retarded."

it took him approximately 10 minutes to get my bagel this morning ... 10 minutes ... and the other girl who was working was just laughing and was like, "sorry .. he's really slow." yeah, no shit.

also ...

i was behind another bad driver on the way to work today. bleh.

and finally ... in closing ...

the reason it took me so long to post something today is really, i didn't know what to post about. i seem to always bitch about dunkin' donuts and bad drivers and this morning, that's all i was thinking about. thanks mrs.twink for pointing out that i hadn't posted.

the not-so-surprise surprise!

2007-07-30T06:17:00.000-04:00

this past saturday was jamie's birthday and to celebrate, we decided to throw jamie a party that wasn't really a surprise party, as he knew that we were doing something ... however, he didn't know the specifics ... that is, until an individual divulged the information to him on friday night.

::frowny face::

apparently, friday night, jamie went out and got completely polluted to the point that he wasn't able to talk without throwing up everywhere. it was very linda blair of him and i think at one point, he shoved a crucifix up his piche, shouting profanities. regardless ... come saturday morning, he wasn't feeling too hot and for some reason, threw the phone away when i asked him if he was hungry for "some greasy fried eggs and a glass of bacon fat." i don't get it.

all that aside, we decided to go ahead as planned and i met up with terri at tom's house at around 1:30/1:45 ... i was supposed to be there at 1, but i hit oriole's traffic and that screwed me up a bit. she and i hit the party store first ... we picked up a huge unicorn balloon, ala 'charlie the unicorn,' a pretty pink birthday princess balloon and finally a balloon that stated in simple terms ... "birthday's suck." truer words were never spoken. we also grabbed two bunches of balloons in the colors of the rainbow (pride, baby!) and some crepe paper (also in the colors of the rainbow), a birthday tiara and a pin that read: birthday girl. yay!

we then hit up the grocery store and bought the necessary supplies and then finally the liquor store to pick up essentials and finally we were ready to head back to the house and start decorating.

we wound the crepe paper around the columns separating tom's kitchen area and the living room area and hung a swath of crepe paper in an upside down rainbow between the columns ... it looked like the gay prom.

jamie arrived shortly after we finished decorating and the party began. jamie, of course, was swearing up and down he wasn't going to drink and started off with a bottle of water then later had a gin and tonic (i believe) which he nursed for-ev-er. meanwhile, everyone was clamoring to get jamie to do a shot which he readily refused until the 'slippery nipple' shots arrived and he was coerced into doing one.

quite a few people showed up and i was so happy to see everyone. i'll try and give a rundown of who came:

jamie (of course!)
tom (it's his house, afterall!)
myself (geoff)
terri
steven
paul
mrs.twink
the mr.
aaron
bob
bill
kristen
jackson
michael
doug (and their son, owen)
sherri
angela
leo
kristin
fisherman dave

i think i've forgotten someone, but i can't think of who it might be right now. it's monday morning ... i'm always slow on mondays.

we had an amazing time and i certainly hope jamie did too! i wish we could have done more for him as he deserves it. jamie does so much for so many people and he is an amazing guy and a friend to many (usually in the club when he's snogging half the attendees!)

i love you, jamie, and hope you had a great birthday!!

happy birthday, jamie!

2007-07-28T06:11:00.000-04:00

32 years ago, today, jamie flew out of his mama in a swirl of pink glitter and rainbow-colored flying ponies! on that day, the heterosexual world lost a 9 month battle in which they tried to shape jamie into one of their kind ... and the gay world gained an ally. yay us!

happy birthday, jamie!!

i hope you have an amazing day and get all that you want! love you, boy!

"she's only friends with him because he's gay ..."

2007-07-27T10:09:00.000-04:00

recently it was brought to my attention, by daisy dyke, that another co-worker of ours questioned daisy's friendship with me.

big and mismatched: why are you friends with geoff?
daisy dyke: because he and i click. he's a great guy, why?
big: why aren't you friends with [tall, black and gay]?
daisy: why? because he's gay?
big: yeah.
daisy: i don't see him as often as i see geoff. and it has nothing to do with him being gay. ::rolls eyes::
big: well, i just find it odd that you and geoff are such good friends.
daisy: why?
big: you just met him.
daisy: and your point?

so, apparently big and mismatched thinks that the only reason daisy dyke and i are friends is because i'm gay and she's a lesbian, because, you know that's what gays do. i personally think she's just jealous because even in her wildest dreams, she'll never be as fabulous as i am.

something totally unrelated. i woke up to another infomercial today ... this is the best thing i have ever heard someone say on one of them:

old man: i took it out back and smashed it against a tree trunk a few times and it still worked.

the old man who said this is referring to the 'cobra stun light' ... it has three functions to stop an attacker:

it's a flashlight with 3 high powered LED lights which create a blinding effect making it extremely difficult for your attacker to see you and thus disorienting him.
when you push a button a red laser shoots out and looks like the sights of a gun and psychologically scares it's intended target
and finally, if that doesn't work and a perpetrator continues to approach, you push another button and a high powered narrow stream of highly concentrated pepper spray shoots out from the center of the flashlight and (using the laser as a guide) is accurate for up to 20 feet!

I WANT ONE!!!!!

americans just got lazier ...

2007-07-26T06:14:00.000-04:00

this morning, just like most mornings, i woke up to infomercials. usually is the whole 'no money down' house flipping schemes or the 'you can cook a small baby in under 12 minutes' home appliances, however, today i was greeted with a sight that i found completely laughable.

introducing ... the aerogarden!!

this wondrous hunk of plastic and stainless steel affords people the opportunity to create a garden in the home with virtually no effort. it sits on your counter top and you fill the basin with water; you replace the top and insert the veggie or herb cups (your choice) and then you "set it ... and forget it!" (ok, so that's the ronco cooker.) it uses aeroponics and your veggies or herbs grow in half the time it would take something to grow in vitamin enriched soils. it even turns the light on and off automatically to simulate sunlight and beeps and flashes when you need to either add water or the nutrient tablets. a lazy man's wet dream!

it's no wonder that americans are fat and lazy ... now they don't even have to go outside! you can grow all your food indoors without even setting foot in the sun and become huge, pallid white slugs waiting until you hear that ding!

well, guess my lettuce is done! my preeeeeeeeeciousssssssssss.

but be on the lookout for more wonderful items of note.

items i'm waiting for:

the 'beef and pork garden.' ~ just add water, turn on the light and voila, fresh beef or pork in days, all grown without heads or internal organs for easy preparation.

the 'travel aerogarden.' ~ just pop it in your purse and let it grow. within days you'll be pulling cherry tomatoes from your prada and munching on the go!

let the stars shine!

2007-07-25T19:38:00.001-04:00

mrs.twink recently blogged about her birthday brunch and mentioned a photo montage. the papparazzi were everywhere!! god, it's so hard to be fabulous!

(oh, wait ... we were our own papparazzi ... oh well.)

here are the pics that i promised in a previous blog as well as the ones mrs.twink mentioned ... enjoy!

blue steel montage

(i didn't say we were good at it!)

coked out!

(i especially love mrs.twink's lazy eye.)

frightened!

no .. we're not lushes .. i swear. so what if it's just after noon and i'm already on my 5th bloody mary and she's on her 7th mimosa. we're not lushes i swea-- ::passes out::

ok ... who farted?

dirty little secrets.

i totally love this woman. ::sniffle:: you. complete. me.

(mrs.twink: 5 words for you ... you had me at herro.)

(author's note: ok, for the record i would like to state that i completely hate the formatting tools when dealing with pictures! everytime i upload a picture it totally fucks up my spacing and centering and god only know what else! argh! blogspot, do something to fix it.)

guilty pleasure ...

2007-07-25T13:01:00.000-04:00

ok, some of you will probably be like ... "ewww."

however ... is it bad that my favorite part of having a small bag of pretzels is the remaining salt left behind at the bottom of the bag? it's so delicious and seems so forbidden to eat it. i look around my cubicle to make sure i am not being watched before i upend the bag into my mouth. mmm, salty yummy goodness. do they have 12 step programs for salt addictions?

me: hello, my name is geoff. i ... i ... ::breaks down in tears:: i am a saltiholic.
everyone: hi geoff!

overheard at the copier

2007-07-25T07:25:00.000-04:00

this is a conversation held between big and tattooed and vivi. vivi is a team leader in my department while big and tattooed is just that ... big and tattooed. she's borderline redneck, though recently she got another tattoo that rather pushes her over the edge into the muddy pig pen i like to call, "tornado-bait trailer trash." her new tattoo is a rather precise representation of a glock .9mm handgun located on the outside of her upper right thigh. it stands approximately 7 inches high and sits back and slightly beneath words that go something like ... "for all the sins i've committed," or something like that. the reason i know that it is on her upper thigh is because the day after she got it, she was using a hair clip to hold her dress up so it wouldn't fall into the ointment she had slathered on. klassy.

caught in mid-conversation:

big and tattooed (bat): yeah, so she went behind my back.
vivi: ::acknowledging grunt::
bat: can you believe that? she went behind my back and got my fiancee's number from one of his friends and then called him in jail. i mean, who does that?

(author's note: please make note that her fiancee is in jail. i've talked to her about this and he won't be out until late 2008. i wonder if they'll get married before then and have the reception in the 'yard' or the 'mess hall.' at least there will be plenty of men there to choose from for best man ... and maid of honor.)

vivi: that's really messed up.
bat: i know. he told me the other day that she had called and she wants to come visit him.
vivi: what?
bat: yeah, i know. you don't call a girl's fiancee ... no, you don't visit a girl's fiancee while he's locked up. that just ain't right.
vivi: it's not.
bat: i'm going to go up into the catskills and find this mountain woman and knock her two teeth out. call my fiancee behind me back. i'll kick her ass.
vivi: mountain woman?
bat: yeah, she lives up in the mountains. i found her on myspace. she doesn't know i know where she is.

and that's pretty much it. not much else to write about their conversation as that was the juiciest piece. bat has many of these snippets of enlightening redneck conversations ... i only wish i would have kept track before i started this blog.

p.s. i just heard this as i was about to publish the post and it's perfect:

bag-lady (the bag-lady cometh ...): i even wore shoes today ... i'm miserable.

my god, people. you can't make this shit up. this is my work environment.

objects in mirror may be closer than they ap--HOLY SHIT!! (subtitled: jesus obeys all traffic laws ...)

2007-07-24T06:11:00.000-04:00

this is a two parter. (these two stories are pretty much unrelated, but they do share a common thread.)

part 1
while on the way home from work yesterday, i watched as a little silver honda civic darted in and around traffic, much like a cockroach might when you attempt to step on him. quick, agile and able to fit into small places.

if anyone is familiar with rt. 170 heading toward odenton, there are several places where the lanes merge from two to one and before one such merge, a large tanker truck decided that this little cockroach of a vehicle was irritating him and thus, started pacing him while still two lanes. the little civic would speed up and attempt to pass the truck, but much to his chagrin, the truck had also sped up and would not let him in. i bet this infuriated the roach.

as the merge neared, the civic made another attempt and this time succeeded ... however, the truck was right on his ass. almost literally. there couldn't have been enough room to walk between them had they been at a standstill and all i saw next was a huge plume of smoke as the tanker truck slammed on its brakes. my first thought is: shit, jack-knife. my second thought is: i think i am about to witness vehicular manslaughter. the tires are stiff and skipping along the road and the smoke is thick and white and the smell of burnt rubber is strong. i slow way down, because, hey ... i don't want in on this.

i start laughing. i think it's a nervous reaction ... or maybe i was hoping for carnage. i don't know. regardless, the civic made it out alive, the truck continued on it merry way and the other motorists--like myself--just shook their heads. the one thing that i did find hilarious in all of this was the sticker on the back of the tanker truck that was from the movie 'dogma' and pictured jesus winking and giving a thumbs up.

apparently he approves.

part 2
does it say anywhere in the bible that you must obey all traffic laws? i mean, i've read the book, though i have certainly failed to commit much of it to memory. the whole leviticus 20:13 doesn't do it for me.

it seems like every time i find myself behind a slow person either on the highway or any road in particular, they have bumper stickers professing their love for christ. i mean, that's great ... you have faith in something ... yay for you, but seriously? get the fuck out of my way. i have places to go.

today i got stuck behind a mini-van with a bumper sticker that read: jesus is the answer. really?

what's the question?

math problem:
2 + 2 = jesus

word problem:
train1 weighing 20 tons is going 60 miles an hour west, while train2 weighing 35 tons is heading east, calculate the speed at which train2 must be travelling for both to meet in san pedro ... answer: jesus.

i hate most bumper stickers, but religious ones really piss me off for some reason. i don't hate jesus, don't get me wrong, i just hate people who are fanatic enough to emblazon their vehicle with praise to the lord. seriously? keep it in church.

if you have any memorable religious bumperstickers, let me know. i'd like to see some of them and laugh.

some that i recall:

jesus is the answer
god is my co-pilot
god is great

brunch ... is it breakfast? is it lunch? no ... it's alcohol.

2007-07-23T07:32:00.000-04:00

first ...
happy birthday, mrs.twink!!!

second ...
sunday morning i arrived at jamie's house at a little before 10:30 a.m. he was off running errands for a few minutes when i arrived so i pulled out my new book and continued where i left off (yes, i brought harry potter with me ... i'm that much of a nerd).

so, he gets home and we pile into his car and head on down to this place--i can't for the life of me think of the name right now ... ugh, it's monday. give me a break!--to celebrate mrs.twink's birthday in the form of brunch. we were informed, previously, that for the price of $13.95 you got bottomless mimosas and bloody marys ... oh, and some food ... but the drinks? um, yeah, my kind of brunch.

so, we pull up and there is a line already forming with about 25-30 people in it ... all wearing board shorts or something similar ... all looking like college kids ready for spring break. jaime and i stayed in the car until we saw at least one person we recognized which happened to be suzanna (one of mrs.twink's bridesmaids). so we get out of the car and wait in line and it started moving. we go in, find a table at the back of the warehouse sized room and sit, awaiting the arrival of the guest of honor.

mrs.twink and the mr. arrive shortly after and there's lots of hugging, many 'happy birthday!'s and even a few gropes (thanks, mr.!). we sit back down and one of the waitresses--who resembles a hooter's girl--brings over several pitchers of bloody mary, followed shortly after by several pitchers of mimosas. this is how i like to start my sunday ... praise jesus.

i pour myself one, adding tabasco for that kick--btw, i'm feeling it this morning ... story for another day ... maybe--and begin drinking. mmm, it's like red gold with a spicy kick. it tasted pretty weak, however, but i figured since i had a pitcher of it pretty much to myself, i was sure to get my daily intake of vodka in breakfast form.

hooter chick comes back around and takes our breakfast orders and in the intervening time we all talked and caroused and had a glorious time. a game of musical chairs commenced as new people arrived and people who where already there, moved to different spots to sit with their friends who just came in, thus forcing the rest of us to slide down the length of the table to fit and fill the space. this happened at least twice.

the food arrives ... it's ok. i didn't get bacon and i really wanted bacon. bacon is my crack, sometimes. here's a conversation between myself, rob and jen.

me: i love bacon.
rob: oh yeah, man! me too.
jen: mmm.
me: i would fill a bathtub with bacon and just soak in it.
rob: oh definitely. fill it up!
theresa: raw or cooked?
me: cooked, definitely. when you cook it, you bring out the delicious saltiness.
rob: i'd lay in the tub and have someone just pour it all over me.
me: and then eat my way out.
jen: you'd die.
me: i'd die happy.

after we ate, people got up and started milling about and chatting with other guests. i was well into my 5th bloody mary at this point and i was feeling slightly buzzed ... and healthy with all that tomatoey goodness ... licopene!!!

it was at this point that mrs.twink and i became two retards posing for the camera. you know how you can tell small children and mentally handicapped people what to do and 9 out of 10 times they'll do it? yeah, that was mrs.twink and i.

jamie: look angry!
me: ::angry face::
mrs.twink: ::mildly irritated face::
jamie: geoff, i said angry, not constipated!!

i love jamie!

me: i get angry when i'm constipated! i'll never eat cheese again!

several other emotions followed: surprised, happy, confused, scared ... all performed by the two jesters ... mrs.twink and i. (author's note: i do have pictures and will add them.)

2 more bloody marys later: i'm now taking close up shots of mrs.twink's face to make one of those creepy piece-by-piece photos. we'll see how that turns out. mrs.twink looks at me and says, "geoff .. you and i are such nerds!" she's right. we're weird.

one of the highlights of the brunch, however, was when mrs.twink succeeded in eating her own fist. i. was. amazed. then the mr. tried ... his jaw doesn't unhinge like mrs.twink's does. i've seen her eat whole goats in one long swallow. it's rather impressive. i have photo evidence of this feat and will post it.

after brunch (which at this point at around 2:30 p.m.) we head over to hers and the mr.'s house to have some cake, which was amazing! the raspberry filling was to die for ... the icing was good too, but was really rich and difficult to eat in one sitting. we chilled out there for several minutes before jamie and i had to head out. ah, i had a great time!

i adore jamie and mrs.twink so much and i am so happy that we were able to share her birthday with her! there isn't much i wouldn't do for that woman, my god. i don't think i even ever said that when i was straight!

the weekend ... uneventful ... or was it?

2007-07-23T06:29:00.000-04:00

ah, this weekend was relaxing for me as i basically did nothing. friday night, i think i talked on the phone with a few people and that's about it. saturday, well, i did basically the same thing until about 1 o'clock when the mail arrived. that's right, bitches ... harry potter has landed!

i gathered up my harry potter gear and got dressed to the nines! i sported my very chic wizarding dress robes, put on my not-so-chic potter glasses, carved a scar into my head with a butter knife, and wielded a slightly curved--and somewhat overused--wand made from birch tree and feline anal glands. the trip to the mailbox was uneventful and i was not beset upon by death eaters or overly curious muggles, though i was certainly prepared, and somewhat dismayed that i wasn't able to use my powers. ah, such is life.

i was going to write about sunday in this blog, but seeing as i adore her so much, mrs.twink gets her own blog today.

2 in 1 day and only mere minutes apart!!

2007-07-20T10:32:00.000-04:00

this blog posting is in response to mrs.twink's blog where-in she calls me the spokesperson for homosexuals (see: the list keeps growing) and regarding the 'maxi-pad' comment.

you see, yesterday at work, mo' money came up to me and got all secretive and informs me she has a question to ask me. i'm like, ok, shoot.

mo' money: is it true that when gay men have sex they need to wear maxi-pads the next day?
me: ::blank stare::
me: ::disgusted face::
me: um, where the hell did you hear that?
mo' money: [co-worker] told me that her gay cousin said that.
me: um, that's news to me.
mo' money: so it's not true?
me: ::blank stare:: yes, it's true ... i get it in the rear so much i have to use heavy flow pads.

i pause.

me: no, it's not true .. jesus.

then later i got asked by two different women what it was like to have a 'one night stand'. are you kidding me? who the fuck am i, susan johannsen? apparently i am the know all/be all of gay knowledge.

hope that clarifies a bit.

last night we went greek ...

2007-07-20T06:17:00.000-04:00

get your minds out of the gutter ... i didn't do anyone in the bum last night.

no, last night i had a dinner date with mrs.twink--which was planned earlier in the week--and we were going to 'samos,' a greek restaurant near where she and the mr. live. so the plan is to meet at 5 pm at her placeand then she and i would walk to the restaurant. so, i arrive at her place and the first thing i notice is the throng of people milling about outside on the sidewalk by where she lives, all of them in varying degrees of trashiness from the white trash to the greek mafia. luckily, her door is riiiiiiiight there and i can just step in and ... yay! air-conditioned haven!

ok, so, when i get there she's putting a load in the laundry and as soon as she's done we head out the door. remember those people i was talking about? yup, they're still there, though far fewer than before. as we begin walking you hear lots of noise ... people shouting, hammers hammering, music blaring, babies crying ... it's a scene out of a movie where you are walking down a dank alley in NYC, smoke billowing up from steam vents, and all you hear is background noise ... cars passing, music somewhere in the distance, babies crying, women getting beat, gunshots ...

so, anyway ... we pass this one house with the door standing wide open and there's a white trash dad who's yelling at his 3 or 4 year old daughter to "get back in this house!" as she stands in the doorway of her home wearing only her daddy's moth-eaten 'big johnson' t-shirt, her face covered in filth, and scratching herself in various locations on her body. ::averts eyes:: mrs.twink walks by all this without falter.

we pass all the relocated dundalk trash and make our way to the main street and she informs me she needs to get money from the atm. fine, get money ... i'm paying for dinner though, i think. so, as we're walking to the atm, our hands brush up against one another.

::awkward moment::

do i hold her hand? do i pretend it didn't happen? what do i do? she looks into my eyes and i into hers and our lips meet and we, wait ... no, that didn't happen ... so, she gets money out and we go to the restaurant.

we each ordered the vegekabob (but i got mine with chicken!) and a sampler that had tzatziki sauce (delicious!), some sort of pepper hummus, mushroom hummus, calamata olive paste (delicious!) and, i guess, salmon hummus? all of them were tasty--the tzatziki and olive being my favorite--except the salmon stuff. i took a small bite because i wanted to just try it at least. it was a pink cream-cheesy consistency laced with salmon roe and at first it had no flavor ... then suddenly i got hit in the face with a baseball bat of fishiness. it was gross. if i wasn't gay and classy i would have spit it out, but since i am, i swallowed. (mind ... gutters ... get out!) throughout dinner we talked about everything and we even gossipped a bit! ::gasp!:: i know ... a gay man and a woman gossiping?! it can't happen! say it isn't so! but yes, we did some gossiping. not about any of our friends, mind you ... a lot of it pertained to people we work with. it was fun.

after dinner i pull out my card to pay for the meal and mrs.twink stops me.

mrs.twink: i got this, geoff.
me: no, i'm going to pay.
mrs.twink: no, i want to get this.
me: i've got my card out already.
mrs.twink: hah! they only take cash.
me: you're lying.
mrs.twink: bet me.
me: ok, i bet you the cost of this meal.

i sat there with a smug look on my face because i knew i would win. i mean, who doesn't take credit cards at a restaurant. this was in the bag. the waitress arrives and i go to hand her my card.

waitress: oh, we only take cash. there's an atm back through the bathrooms.

score:
mrs.twink: 1
geoff: 0

after she paid we went back to her place where i was able to peruse her wedding album. oh. my. god. it. is. amazing. i loved it! it was very nicely done! while i was looking through it, the mr. came home from home depot and mrs.twink and i watched as he and marshall lugged heavy boxes of floor tiles into the house. (i would have offered to help, but heavy lifting? i don't think so.) the mr. started to sweat ... you're right jamie ... yum.

afterward we watched the tail end of "hey paula" and then mrs.twink introduced me to another show that i will be watching ... "scott baio is 45 ... and single" omg, talk about child star tragedy! he's pathetic and the show was like a train wreck ... i couldn't tear my eyes away. i enjoyed it very much and i shall set up my dvr to record it. thank you, mrs.twink.

so, in conclusion, dinner was great, the company was greater and the wedding album was fabulous! i had a great time, even when petey french kissed me, and i can't wait to do it again (w/o the doggie tongue action.) i adore mrs.twink, not only for her beauty and charm, but for her sadistic gossipy side and winning personality!

(author's note: mrs.twink's neighborhood really isn't all that bad. i'm just really good at finding the bad things about places and people and exploiting them. wonder gay powers ... activate!)

bad coffee and dinner dates ...

2007-07-19T07:21:00.000-04:00

seriously? how difficult is it to make coffee? i can understand people adding too many coffee grounds to a filter and making the coffee too strong or the exact opposite ... not enough grounds and thus brewing brown water with no hint of caffeine. but when you have everything pre-made and all you have to do is add sugar, cream and ice ... how can you fuck that up?

meet mallory. mallory works at dunkin' donuts and is about as useful as tits on a bull. she's the girl that stands around with her thumb up her ass when there are 12 people in line waiting for coffee and the other employee is rushing like mad to get everyone's order and take care of the drivethru. she stands there, her arms folded across her chest, a look of ... i don't know ... defiance? confusion? it's hard to tell with her.

this morning i was the only customer--which is generally the case at 5:30 a.m. when i go in there--and i tell her my order. a large hazelnut iced coffee, extra cream, extra sugar. easy, right? that involves a large cup, ice, some of that liquid sugar, cream and the ready-made coffee in the chilled receptacle. everything appears to be going well ... she's got the cup ... she adds the ice ... so far so good. she adds the sugar and the cream and i remind her at this point to not forget the hazelnut (i've had experience with this dimwitted employee before). i get my coffee and pay and mallory enlightens me to the fact that tomorrow is her last day. she is going to pursue other things that she decides she'll like better than working at dunkin' donuts. gee, there's more to life than working at dunkin' donuts? get out! she proceeds to tell me she is going to be a bartender. good for her!

i take a sip of my coffee as i walk out the door ... i feel sorry for the patrons at the bar she is going to work at.

moving on ...

so, tonight i have dinner plans with mrs.twink at this greek restaurant she is raving about. the plan is to meet at her and the mr.'s place at around 5 pm and then take a stroll to samos, whereupon we'll have dinner and i'll work my charms and by the end of the night, i should get lucky. i'm really excited about dinner with her as it's been far too long since we've done this. we used to get together once a month and have dinner at her place (mrs.twink, the mr., jamie and myself) but i've since been replaced by theresa ... watch your back, woman!

i adore mrs.twink so much and this is a rare treat for me to go out during the week because i never do. i get up at 4:30 a.m. every morning and i like to be in bed by 10 p.m. to make sure i get at least 6 hours of sleep ... it never happens. so, we made the plans early enough that we'd both have time to eat, talk, have fun and just catch up and still have time to get home and go to bed, though i am a bit jealous because she doesn't have to drive anywhere as opposed to myself who will have to drive all the back out to odenton, which is roughly a 35 min. drive, depending on traffic (as the googlemap flies). next dinner date will be in my neck of the woods!

i kid, my asian princess ... i will gladly drive out to your area to have dinner with you. you're so worth me being a bit tired in the morning at work and tomorrow's friday, so it's not such a bad day to be tired. i don't plan on going out this weekend except for a birthday brunch and that's it, so after work i can just come home and relax and not have to worry about being somewhere later. this is going to be another chill weekend, i think. yay.

wendy's werkers ar teh smrtest peeple in teh werld

2007-07-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

today at lunch i had a craving ... it's not a craving i've had in a while but seeing as it's been a long time, i acted on it ... i was hankering for a wendy's double cheeseburger. oh yeah!

i got in my jeep and drove down to wendy's. the drivethru was completely thronged with vehicles so i made an executive decision and went inside where it was still crowded, but still seemed like it would take significantly less time to order and get my grub on.

i ordered a classic double cheeseburger and a large fry for myself and a jr. cheeseburger deluxe for mimi, one of my co-workers. the woman ... wait, let me rephrase that ... the high school aged girl behind the register fucked my order up and we corrected it. no, i didn't want a bacon double cheeseburger with the works, nor did i want a combo meal. i repeated my order and she rang it up. $3.70. that doesn't seem right. i asked her if it was.

pimply girl behind register: oh, i accidentally took off the double cheeseburger. let me put it back on.

she rang it up again and the price--i forget what it was--seemed more correct. so .. done ... i go wait in line to get my food.

somewhere back in the hell that is the wendy's kitchen i keep hearing a voice shouting at people, in one of those fake cheery tones.

disembodied voice: keep on smiling! the customers love service with a smile!
disembodied voice: that's right ... get those chicken nuggets done! that's my man ... my best man on the job!
disembodied voice: all right!! we're moving right along!

now mind you ... the voice is nasally and really starting to bug me and the girl who is standing next to me keeps rolling her eyes. i laugh and we start talking.

me: this place is a circus
woman: i know. remind me not to come here on my lunch ever again.
me: no doubt. especially when you only have 30 minutes.
woman: i know. and that guy is driving me crazy.
me: if i had to work for him i'd shoot myself in the face.
woman: ::laughs:: i don't know if he's being for real or if he's losing it.
me: maybe he's the comic relief?

while we were talking, people's orders are getting fucked up left and right and they keep coming up to the counter to inform the workers that they messed up. all i could do is laugh ... and look at my watch ... i've been there for almost 25 minutes already ... waiting ... where is my lunch?

finally my order is ready and i grab my bag and get the hell out of there as quickly as i can, wishing the woman i was talking to a "good luck" as i head to the door.

at the office i begin to unload my bag. i ordered for two people and got enough food for 5.

what i ordered:

classic double
a large fry
a jr. cheeseburger

what i actually got:

2 classic doubles
2 large fries
2 crispy chicken nuggets
a jr. cheeseburger
a mound of barbecue sauce

i checked my receipt ... half of that isn't on here so i got extra shit for free. idiots. i ate the nuggets too because i love them. it was a nice treat. maybe they felt bad because i waited so long. i don't know. i gave the rest of the food i didn't order away.

p.s. i will not be going back there on my lunch break .... ever.

hairy pooter and the order of the sphincter

2007-07-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

friday night
this friday i went to pazo out in fell's point with jamie, steven, terri, bob, bill and paul. the food was pretty good, though the portions were very small, even at tapas standards. after we completely destroyed any tapas that were placed on our table, a few of us decided to order 1/2 entrees. jamie and i both got the seared yellowfin tuna. it was mighty tasty except for the sauce it was swimming in and it actually seemed much smaller than many of the tapas we got, so i wasn't too impressed with that aspect. we each got 2 slices of tuna and a small dollop of garlic mashed potatoes. it left me wanting more.

after pazo we all went to the central for some after dinner drinks and we arrived just in time to partake in the drink special (from 9-11). there was this cute new bartender working who was very inconsistent with his pouring. the drinks would be strong ... then they'd be weak. i'm sorry, but i like consistency in my bartenders ... either always make them strong or always make them weak (i'll go to another bartender if the latter). i want the bartenders to make me want to come back for me (not that i would ever quit drinking simply because the drinks weren't strong. no, i'll quit drinking when my liver moves out.)

i left around 1 a.m. because i was just too damned tired to stay out any longer.

saturday night
saturday night was a birthday party for jessica at her place. it was fun and we ordered sushi from sushi-sono--jamie went to pick the food up out in columbia--and we ate in nearly pitch black conditions. oh, did i forget to mention that right before we all got there, a power-line, approximately 20 yards away, had come down, thrusting the neighborhood into darkness. apparently, however, i make really good martinis in the dark.

sunday
sunday we had movie plans to see 'harry potter and the order of the phoenix.' steven and i arrived at the mall early and decided to grab a bite to eat at chevy's, which i think is owned by chevy chase .... is he mexican? we started out with an appetizer of "how you want it" guacamole which meant the poor waitress had to come out to our table and mash up the avocados and add the spices and stuff. mmm, nothing like freshly mushed avocados made from the sweat and tears of migrant workers. oh, wait ... she was white. still, it had the same amazing flavor and wholesome goodness as if it were produced under harsh .50 cent-an-hour conditions. i loved it! for dinner, we each got the trio sampler and it was more food than i had anticipated, but it was very tasty.

afterward, we met up with everyone at the movie theater. jessica had caught up to us as we left the restaurant and as we arrived at muvico, jessica, theresa and the mr. were there and, much to my surprise, mrs.twink. i figured she'd decided to come see the movie with us ... i was wrong. no, instead she went to see 'ratatouille' and, from what i gather, she looked very much like a child predator sitting by herself in a theater full of children. i always had my suspicions. quick! notify the parents in your neighborhood!

jamie's sister showed up shortly after and we all purchased our tickets and went inside where our stubs were taken by a woman with one of the finest goatees i've seen in a long time. it rivaled my own. i was jealous.

ok, so i know the title of this blog makes it sound like i didn't like the movie. that's not it at all. the title, honestly, is for mrs.twink's benefit. i actually enjoyed the movie very much, tho i didn't like it any more of less than the last one. kind of ... the same. it was very dark, however, which i enjoyed as it lends credence to the fact that these movies are moving toward the "not really for children" genre. although it followed the book fairly closely, i did notice quite a few things that were left out of the movie that were in the book, most of them trivial. though, toward the end of the movie there was one bit that i was looking forward to seeing and it was left out. oh well. all that aside, i think this movie had the best end-scene battle sequence than the previous harry potter flicks. the battle between the death eaters and the children was well done and action packed. reducto! the subsequent battle between the death eaters and the aurors and, ultimately, siruis black's death, was also very well done and finally, the end battle between voldemort, dumbledore and harry was very cool. overall, the movie was pretty excellent and ron weasley is really getting uglier.

i got home from the movie and lay down on my bed to watch tv and promptly fell asleep. this, i woke up 3 hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until midnight. i feel really exhausted today but it's probably my own fault. when i couldn't get back to sleep i started watching 'the covenant,' which is like 'the craft' for boys. the boys in this movie, however .... hot! ... especially caleb. yum. he makes me think dirty things. check it out if you haven't' seen it. the movie isn't all that great, but boy ... get a bib ready because drooling is a definite possibility.

otherwise, nothing else really happened this weekend. i have pictures, but will have to post them later as i didn't have time to work on them. hope everyone had a great weekend! what did you do?