many shades of pissed ...

so, here it is ... 6:30 a.m. and i'm at work, sneaking on to blog.

i'm so fucking irritated right now, it's virtually unbelievable ... i work with a twat of a co-worker who is probably the single most unreliable person i've ever met at a job. she has no work ethic, she's habitually late, calls out consistently and doesn't really do shit when she is here. i'm sick of it.

my department is split into three regions ... pennsylvania (which covers pennsylvania, of course, parts of new jersey, parts of maryland and random scatterings of other areas), mid-atlantic (which covers maryland and some other areas), and texas (which covers .... guess ... yup, texas!). i work in the texas region with UTF (unreliable twat face) and we have so much work it's crazy. we're actually working in a region that should, technically, have 3 people working in but we split the difference between us ... or at least, that's the ideal setup, however ... UTF has been here 4--maybe 5--months and has probably been out a month of that for various reasons:

• sick
• car broke down
• relative died (times 3)
• she fell (which did happen b/c it happened here at work and i saw/heard it ... it was ugly)
• car accident

now, the falling thing ... i can understand that ... she fell pretty hard, but some of the other excuses she has used are a bit fishy. example ... her car accident ... it just so happens that 2 days before this 'accident' she informed my friend--and amazing co-worker--TAG (thin and gorgeous) that she had a friend coming into town for a week. well, lookie here ... guess how long it took to recover from this 'accident' ... yup, a week. funny how many coincidences there are in life, yes?

so, now ... with all the work that i already have, we just got an email last night requiring us to do additional overtime that is mandatory. are you freaking kidding me? ugh ...

so, here it is now 10 of 7 and UTF is still not in and her shift begins at 7 ...

my vision is red.

unnecessary meetings ...
to make my work situation even worse, we have two very unnecessary meetings scheduled for today that will waste time that i could be working and catching up on stuff that we are apparently behind on. does it end?

overheating ...
so, this one has nothing to do with my co-worker ...
recently i just had $700.00 worth of work done on my jeep to repair my radiator which was leaking fluid. it was a chunk of money that i really wish i didn't have to part with, however, it was a necessary evil. after the work was done, the jeep ran great!

yesterday, however, i smell antifreeze and i look at the temperature gauge and whatd'yaknow ... it's overheating. are you kidding me?? so now, on my day off, i have to bring my jeep back to meineke and inform them that they didn't fix it. ugh ... fucking idiots!!

so ... needless to say i'm a bit salty today. have a great fucking day, all. peace.

oooh, final edit ...
UTF just walked in the door and sat her fat ass down. get to fucking work, woman!!

that is all.

that birthday party? yeah, it was a drag ...

so, last night, mrs.twink dragged me to a birthday party which, for all intents and purposes, was a great little shindig, however ... i knew only the people that i came with and then 2 or 3 others who showed up, which, whatever ... no big deal. i was already in the company of the most important people at the party.

so tracy, the birthday gal ... at least i think her name was tracy ... help me out, here mrs.twink ... anyway ... possibly-tracy, the birthday gal, was a sweetheart and i do believe i had met her before at a gathering thrown by the twinks in the past, either new years or a birthday, i really can't remember. usually the twinks' parties turn into a blur of alcohol and food, so it's hard to separate them from one another.

anyway, so the house that this party was in so so cute! and the girl--god help me i can't even remember what letter her name begins with--did a great job with the decorating. 4 floors, including basement and rooftop deck. i hung out for a little bit on the roof with zack and jenny before planting my ass on the sofa next to mrs.twink, where we discussed fascinating topics such as: shear genius, top chef, hell's kitchen and project runway. mrs.twink and i were joking around and she confused me with steven saying that steven was the one who was up doing the robot with her at her wedding reception, when the fact is ... it was me who started it off with her and i was up there for a bit until the entire attendance at the reception started to crowd around and watch and, well ... i was done. so, anyway, i was hurt ... so i made some emo comment about slashing my wrists (/wrists) and i got the dirtiest look from some cow in a black dress. here's an idea, you pig faced sow ... eat. me. raw.

anyway, about an hour and 15 minutes into the party, it was time for mrs.twink and i to depart ... we had a drag show to get to! so, she and i made our way through fed hill on foot to meet jamie, terri and bill at some bar called tight rope or on the ropes or rope walker or ... well, something with the word "rope" in it. jamie. was. hammered. already ... it was a little after 9 pm. oy, that boy.

we hailed a cab and all 5 of us squeezed into this brick oven on wheels, which was ripe with stale sweat and undertones of urine, and made our way to the hippo. long story short, yadda, yadda, yadda ... we're in the hippo, having drinks, chatting and the show is about to begin, so we go over to the dance side to find our tables. mrs.twink and i sat down just in time to catch chaka khanvict perform the opening number, a little madonna tune. i glance over at mrs.twink and her face was that of a woman who suddenly realized her tickets to the "Jesus Saves" revival concert, were actually front row tickets to a public execution. she. was. stunned.

but, as with all of the human race, curiosity always gets the better of us and she watched on, i think waiting for the train to derail and spill human parts.

about halfway through the show this collection of middle-to-late-aged women in skimpy clothing and pasty white skin, begin dancing on a portable pole that was lugged out into the middle of the stage ... (for jamie: sorry for not helping to carry that out there, but honestly ... after seeing what was done with it, i wanted to disinfect just for being in the same room with that thing.) they did this somewhat erotic--and extremely creepy--routine and i think i caught sight of grandmotherly labia. i can't be certain. it may have just been a skin tag. anyway, i think even the straight guys who were at the show found it difficult to watch and i threw up a little in my mouth.

now, don't get me wrong. i have no problem viewing a woman's body and i think women are beautiful, for the most part. i'm not sexually attracted to them (shut up, mrs.twink) but i certainly can appreciate their femininity and kudos to these cougars for being comfortable enough with themselves and getting up there and dancing their wrinkles off. i was just ... disturbed ... and after peering around the room, i certainly wasn't the only one.

there were some great performances and a decent amount of humor from the MC who, at one point, asked mrs.twink if i "popped [mrs.twink's] cherry," to which a shake of the head prompted, "good, because he's gay, honey!"

i could tell mrs.twink was tired, so finally, after an extremely long show--which was a lot of fun and very well put together--mrs.twink and i hopped into a cab back to her place where i got into my jeep and drove home.

fin.

three's company ...

ok, so i know three posts in one day is a bit over the top. can anyone say "over compensating?" i've got the bug now and i just wanted to blog about this past weekend.

i was lying on my sofa watching television this past saturday, minding my own business, and trying to nap as i had a house warming party to go to later that evening. usually when i'm trying to nap i ignore any and all distractions such as my telephone ringing or someone at my door, but this particular afternoon when my phone buzzed, something possessed me to pick it up and look at it. it was a text message.

text message: this number still work?

it was from my first boyfriend ever, rich, who was also my very first love. i hadn't seen rich in roughly 11 years--closer to 12--and i responded with a "it sure does." a few minutes later i get another text advising me that rich was up from florida and in DC visiting his friend amber. my eyes got big. so i sent a text back.

me: oh ya? what are you up to? i'd really love to see you.
rich: nothing at the moment and i'd love to see you as well.

we chatting a bit through text message--why i didn't just pick up the phone and call is beyond me--and we settled on a game plan and rich took the metro out to greenbelt station, approximately an hour away from me, and i was there to greet him when he arrived. seeing him again, walking across the parking lot toward my jeep, was like a physical blow to my chest.

we'd met a lifetime ago on an online chat engine and several times over the next year or two, we were able to meet in real life at some weekend BBQs hosted by some of the other members of the chatter and we quickly developed a strong friendship which evolved into more. we decided we were going to make it official and began dating. although we now considered ourselves boyfriends, there was one little problem. rich lived in kentucky and i was up in maryland and--to make a long story short--even with frequent visits, the relationship only lasted for about another year and a half to two years and we decided that the distance was too much and we broke up. we kept in touch via the phone and the chatter, but after a while, the chatter kind of died out and then the phone conversations, as with all things, slowly began to ebb until they were virtually nonexistent.

about 4 years ago, i found rich's number and gave him a call, surprising him. lines of communication opened again and we chatted fairly frequently. i was dating steven at the time and i'm a completely monogamous person so i never thought of rich in that romantic context while i was with steven and the issue never came up. once again, however, our phone calls faded and then stopped altogether.

now, though, after seeing him again this past weekend ... every single emotion i've ever felt for rich ... every feeling i've ever had for him, came rushing back in a single monumental lurch and i knew then, as i looked at him on the drive back to my place, that i was done letting him slip through my fingers. we've had a few chances in the past to be together, but one thing or another prevented us and i'm done.

i've come to realize that i do love rich with all of my heart and i want to be with him and no other and i will do whatever it takes to have him in my life. i want to get a house with him ... i want to grow old with him. rich was my first love and i want him to be my last.

i'm sorry. i'm really not used to talking about my emotions like this, so please forgive if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. i'm usually the bitter, cynical fella, but rich just evokes a softer side in me ... a more emotional side.

a few days ago i decided i'd lay it all on the line to rich and tell him how i feel, though i tried tactfully to not scare him off. he seemed very receptive to my words and to my statement of "i want to be with you," he replied that a long distance relationship would only be a temporary fix, which to some might seem like a more negative response, however, the way he said it gave promise to the possibility of us living together.

i would love for rich to move up here to maryland to be with me. there are some really nice town homes that i think we'd be very happy in and i have so many friends up here, along with my family, that i would hate to move away. while i know that rich also has a lot of friends down in florida, his family is in ohio which would mean he would be closer to them if he was up here and he would already have another friend in the area too, as amber is in DC. obviously i haven't reached the point yet where i talk to rich about moving. i understand things need to be taken slowly, but i do know that my feelings for him won't change. i love rich ... i've always loved rich.

omg, i'm so sappy! i've half a mind to not post this ... but that would be unfair to rich and myself and you all. this is another side of me you get to see that, i'm pretty sure, i haven't shown yet.

FAQ

i'm writing a little FAQ (frequently asked questions) to help you all understand my absence and my subsequent return.

where the fuck have you been?
whoa ... whoa ... simmer down ... let's not start this thing off with swearing. for your information, i've been around ... just not online much.

why not?
well, if you've read my previous post, i explain why i was gone.

i've read it, but it's not good enough. sounds like a lame excuse to me.
hmm. you're an asshole. lame or not, it's the excuse i give because it's the truth. with this new job i'm uber busy all day and really don't have time to blog, coupled with the fact that everything we do on the internet is monitored and nearly every site that is for entertainment purposes is blocked. we can't even view job recruitment websites unless it's for our own company.

what can we expect from you now?
well, that's a good question. i'm going to try my best to blog as much as i can. i have fridays off now so it--hopefully--won't be a problem for me to log on real quick and post something.

we've heard that before.
that's not a question.

we've heard that before? is that better, asshole?
hmm. you're in a mood. anyway ... yes, i know i've said that i am going to try and be on more and blog more and all that jazz, but this time i think i might be able to follow through with my declaration.

what makes this time any different?
well, when i tried to log on this morning to blog i realized that i'd forgotten all of my login information and i therefore spent the better part of an hour trying to figure all that shit out. i would attempt to recover my password only to find out the email i was using was either completely invalid or not associated with gmail or blogger. so, i had to figure out which email i used then had to figure out which password--of the many that are floating around in my head--that i used. it was very frustrating but i stuck it through to the end and i figured it out. now, does that sound like something i would do if i was just going to be flippant about this whole thing?

what does flippant mean?
means frivolous or not taking this seriously.

ok, thank you. moving on. what can we expect in terms of blog content?
see, now that's a good question. i plan on returning to my old sarcastic--

yeah, we like that.
um, can i finish without being interrupted, please?

oh, yeah ... sure, i'm sorry.
anyways ... i plan on returning to my old sarcastic, witty and bitter ways. i know of at least one or two people who will be happy to have me back, but i can't speak for everyone else. they won't even know i've blogged unless they have me on an RSS feed.

that kinda sucks.
in the form of a question, please.

oh for fuck's sake! that kinda sucks?
yes, yes it does.

what's that smell?
what smell?

hey, i'm the one asking the questions here! you don't smell that?
no, i really don't.

oh, maybe it's just me. anyways, so, when can we expect your "sarcastic, witty and bitter ways," as you put it?
not sure yet. i'm a bit rusty so i'll need some time to get back into the swing of things.

ok, well, one last question. are you glad to be back?
i am and i've missed everyone and i will try and be better this time and post blogs more frequently. i'm sorry--

yes, yes, we know ... you're sorry. i have no more questions for you. goodbye!

::peeks head in through door:: hello? anyone here?

wow ... almost 5 months ... that's just crazy ... or lazy, your choice.

ok, so before anyone starts berating me for my lack of blogs over the past few months, lemme just get my excuses out of the way now.

i have a new job where every single thing we do on the internet is virtually monitored and i, therefore, cannot blog from work like i could with my last job. pretty self-explanatory, yes?

the masses: but you can blog from home!

true ... true, i could ... but do i ever feel like it? no, and here's why ... i sit in front of a computer for 10 hours a day ... i get home and the last thing i even think about it turning on my computer. however, with the recent fuel crisis (yes, i think it's a crisis ... i mean, who wouldn't?) and the summer days, i've been given the option to work a 4-day work week, which. i. love.

so, it's friday ... i'm at home, not at work ... and i figured i'd try to get back into this blogging schtick.

the masses: yeah, we've heard that before!

i know, i know ... i'm a horrible, lying, flaky person, but here's the thing ... it just took me over an hour to get all my login information for this blog and do you think i would honestly expend that much energy and time on something i really didn't think i would follow through with? i seriously will try my best!

i can't believe i'd forgotten all my log info. i couldn't even remember the gmail account i used for a mental fracture. that's sad. i would blame it solely on my inactivity, but i think my hostory of drugs may be rearing it's ugly head and i'm developing early onset alzheimer's. someone shoot me if i start pissing and shitting myself. mrs.twink, i give you that task.

in closing, please forgive me for my absence ... i think it was a needed break for me. they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i think my extended hiatus was necessary to be back into the blogging mood and have a fresh outlook on things.

child molesters hide behind frozen treats ...

there's a creepy ice cream truck parked outside my apartment.

DST, lunatics and cadbury creme eggs

i promised jamie that i would try and blog close to everyday, even if it's just a quick rant or one of my usual extremely long "short post"s.

today, i talk about losing sleep, waking to the sounds of a raving lunatic and easter candy ...

well, last night before bed i turned my clocks forward like a good lad. the government has decreed, originally for the farmers, that we need all the daylight we can get! started in 1918, DST was a huge hit! so huge, in fact, that it was repealed in 1919 for it's unpopularity. seriously? no shit! i don't mind it so much in the winter ... but in the summer? what the buck, chuck ... why should i lose an hour of sleep during a night where i'm lucky to get 6 anyway ... bleh! so, after it was appealed, it became a local option and places like massachusetts and rhode island opted to continue it. i always knew those people were fucked in the head.

i wish it were still a local option, but narrowed down to individual housing. shit ... next year ... i'm getting my hour of sleep!

anyway, if DST fascinates you as i am sure it undoubtedly does ::sarcastic face:: then check out:

http://webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/b.html.

it's a cool informative site with a really neat interactive menu and gives you all the details on DST and the fuckheads who started it. that is all.

moving on ...
so, definitely feeling my 4 hours of sleep when i woke up today, i peered through half-shut eyes to the television--the object of my awakedness--where a man with a tremendous propensity for screaming and praising the lord (much like sam kinison did?) spoke in one of those really cheesy, bad movie type of preacher voices ... you know, where the last word in the sentence is raised a few decibels and said through nearly clenched teeth. now, i think i've said it before, but for the sake of clarification, i'll say it again ... watching those religious behemoths spout off is very nearly akin to watching a train wreck for me. i'm not very religious--i bet you couldn't tell!--but i do love to watch these people lose their shit on national television and this guy did just that. at one point, he reminded me very much of paula abdul in one of her "i'm not an alcoholic"-incoherent babbles on american idol.

paula: i love your colors ... they're so ... and they ... lots of colors. bright, shiny .... baubles of talent ... you shine ... you really, really shine ... i love your colors.

seriously paula, lay off the quaaludes and pick up a bible, girl! so, this guy today--god i wish i would have gotten his name--is going to town on jesus being crucified on the cross and he makes a statement and i know i'm going to get it completely wrong, but it was something to the effect of: "jesus died for our sins on the cross but it wasn't enough," and then he claims that what he just said is verging on blasphemy. oi. a self-hating church man ... must be catholic. oooh, did i just go there? i sure did! i'm catholic, so deal. ANYway .. so after this, he breaks into song, but he's half singing it, half saying it and on one section, he goes into full vocal range and belts it, but then starts crying ... or fake crying, whatever the case may be, and i'd had enough so i turned the television to "SpikeTV" and watched 'Sniper 2' with tom berenger for about 5 minutes before i decided i'd rather watch the jesus freak shout at me.

moving on ...
so, it's getting close to the time of the year when disgusting chocolates make their re-emergence into everyday society. and in case you have no idea what i am talking about, i refer to the vile ovules of turd-acular delight straight from satan's anus ... cadbury creme eggs. this is diabetic shock in a thick chocolate shell. mmm, let's buy in bulk!

i remember as a child seeing this amazing thing called a creme egg. what is it? a chocolate egg? with sweet cream in the middle?! you must be joking! you're not? i have to have one! so, i trundled along behind my father to the grocery store and after shopping, we ended up in the 'parent's worst nightmare' aisle (which i've noticed is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be) filled with teeth rotting yummy goodness that causes kids to have seizures and lay on the floor kicking and screaming: "I WANT CANDY!!!!!!"

so, i plead with my father to buy me one of these ... creme eggs ... and not just a creme egg, but a cadbury creme egg. i forget how old i was, but not yet old enough to have an allowance that i might use to purchase this nugget of delight.

me: but, dad, it's got chocolate on the outside.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, and, and ... it's got cream in the middle.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, it's got, um ... it looks like a yolk. ha ha, look dad, see how funny that looks. ::points to picture of display::
dad: ::barely glances over:: yup.
me: ha ha, that's funny right? yeah ... funny ... so, can i get one? i promise not to eat it now and spoil my supper.
dad: ::looks at me ... i think with the intent of wanting more to sweeten the pot::
me: i promise i'll shut up.
dad: ::looks to the cashier:: i'll take a dozen.

so, the ride home was the worst ever! here i was in possession of this magical delight wrapped in foil ... it was so close ... oh, man, i just wanted a nibble ... just one, small, taste of it's chocolaty and creamy perfection. i flew through dinner, eating everything in sight in a matter of seconds.

me: may i be excused?! ::zoom! out the door!::

outside my friends were already gathered and i walked to them and when i got close, i pulled forth this object of holiness ... a white nimbus surrounding the foil ... glinting off the textured surface.

me: behold ...
friends: ::collective gasp::
me: i give thee ... cadbury.

and with that declaration i begin to slowly ... fondly ... carefully pull back the foil protecting the joy inside. there it was ... my 'red rider bb gun' .... oh, my mouth was watering ... i inspected the surface ... no imperfections at all. it was beautiful. i brought it to my mouth ... gently placed my tongue on the surface to taste the chocolate. delicious! i took a bite ... the thick, sweet cream bursting into my mouth and onto my tongue.

me: ugh, this tastes like shit! ::throws it on the ground::

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the day my youthful exuberance died and my cynicism began. thank you cadbury easter bunny.

cadbury easter bunny: bok, bok, bok, bok.

oh, and for the record ... i hate peeps too! marshmallow covered in a pound of colored sugar with eyes drawn on with a sharpie marker. ick!