Monday, March 10, 2008
child molesters hide behind frozen treats ...
there's a creepy ice cream truck parked outside my apartment.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
DST, lunatics and cadbury creme eggs
i promised jamie that i would try and blog close to everyday, even if it's just a quick rant or one of my usual extremely long "short post"s.
today, i talk about losing sleep, waking to the sounds of a raving lunatic and easter candy ...
well, last night before bed i turned my clocks forward like a good lad. the government has decreed, originally for the farmers, that we need all the daylight we can get! started in 1918, DST was a huge hit! so huge, in fact, that it was repealed in 1919 for it's unpopularity. seriously? no shit! i don't mind it so much in the winter ... but in the summer? what the buck, chuck ... why should i lose an hour of sleep during a night where i'm lucky to get 6 anyway ... bleh! so, after it was appealed, it became a local option and places like massachusetts and rhode island opted to continue it. i always knew those people were fucked in the head.
i wish it were still a local option, but narrowed down to individual housing. shit ... next year ... i'm getting my hour of sleep!
anyway, if DST fascinates you as i am sure it undoubtedly does ::sarcastic face:: then check out:
http://webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/b.html.
it's a cool informative site with a really neat interactive menu and gives you all the details on DST and the fuckheads who started it. that is all.
moving on ...
so, definitely feeling my 4 hours of sleep when i woke up today, i peered through half-shut eyes to the television--the object of my awakedness--where a man with a tremendous propensity for screaming and praising the lord (much like sam kinison did?) spoke in one of those really cheesy, bad movie type of preacher voices ... you know, where the last word in the sentence is raised a few decibels and said through nearly clenched teeth. now, i think i've said it before, but for the sake of clarification, i'll say it again ... watching those religious behemoths spout off is very nearly akin to watching a train wreck for me. i'm not very religious--i bet you couldn't tell!--but i do love to watch these people lose their shit on national television and this guy did just that. at one point, he reminded me very much of paula abdul in one of her "i'm not an alcoholic"-incoherent babbles on american idol.
paula: i love your colors ... they're so ... and they ... lots of colors. bright, shiny .... baubles of talent ... you shine ... you really, really shine ... i love your colors.
seriously paula, lay off the quaaludes and pick up a bible, girl! so, this guy today--god i wish i would have gotten his name--is going to town on jesus being crucified on the cross and he makes a statement and i know i'm going to get it completely wrong, but it was something to the effect of: "jesus died for our sins on the cross but it wasn't enough," and then he claims that what he just said is verging on blasphemy. oi. a self-hating church man ... must be catholic. oooh, did i just go there? i sure did! i'm catholic, so deal. ANYway .. so after this, he breaks into song, but he's half singing it, half saying it and on one section, he goes into full vocal range and belts it, but then starts crying ... or fake crying, whatever the case may be, and i'd had enough so i turned the television to "SpikeTV" and watched 'Sniper 2' with tom berenger for about 5 minutes before i decided i'd rather watch the jesus freak shout at me.
moving on ...
so, it's getting close to the time of the year when disgusting chocolates make their re-emergence into everyday society. and in case you have no idea what i am talking about, i refer to the vile ovules of turd-acular delight straight from satan's anus ... cadbury creme eggs. this is diabetic shock in a thick chocolate shell. mmm, let's buy in bulk!
i remember as a child seeing this amazing thing called a creme egg. what is it? a chocolate egg? with sweet cream in the middle?! you must be joking! you're not? i have to have one! so, i trundled along behind my father to the grocery store and after shopping, we ended up in the 'parent's worst nightmare' aisle (which i've noticed is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be) filled with teeth rotting yummy goodness that causes kids to have seizures and lay on the floor kicking and screaming: "I WANT CANDY!!!!!!"
so, i plead with my father to buy me one of these ... creme eggs ... and not just a creme egg, but a cadbury creme egg. i forget how old i was, but not yet old enough to have an allowance that i might use to purchase this nugget of delight.
me: but, dad, it's got chocolate on the outside.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, and, and ... it's got cream in the middle.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, it's got, um ... it looks like a yolk. ha ha, look dad, see how funny that looks. ::points to picture of display::
dad: ::barely glances over:: yup.
me: ha ha, that's funny right? yeah ... funny ... so, can i get one? i promise not to eat it now and spoil my supper.
dad: ::looks at me ... i think with the intent of wanting more to sweeten the pot::
me: i promise i'll shut up.
dad: ::looks to the cashier:: i'll take a dozen.
so, the ride home was the worst ever! here i was in possession of this magical delight wrapped in foil ... it was so close ... oh, man, i just wanted a nibble ... just one, small, taste of it's chocolaty and creamy perfection. i flew through dinner, eating everything in sight in a matter of seconds.
me: may i be excused?! ::zoom! out the door!::
outside my friends were already gathered and i walked to them and when i got close, i pulled forth this object of holiness ... a white nimbus surrounding the foil ... glinting off the textured surface.
me: behold ...
friends: ::collective gasp::
me: i give thee ... cadbury.
and with that declaration i begin to slowly ... fondly ... carefully pull back the foil protecting the joy inside. there it was ... my 'red rider bb gun' .... oh, my mouth was watering ... i inspected the surface ... no imperfections at all. it was beautiful. i brought it to my mouth ... gently placed my tongue on the surface to taste the chocolate. delicious! i took a bite ... the thick, sweet cream bursting into my mouth and onto my tongue.
me: ugh, this tastes like shit! ::throws it on the ground::
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the day my youthful exuberance died and my cynicism began. thank you cadbury easter bunny.
cadbury easter bunny: bok, bok, bok, bok.
oh, and for the record ... i hate peeps too! marshmallow covered in a pound of colored sugar with eyes drawn on with a sharpie marker. ick!
today, i talk about losing sleep, waking to the sounds of a raving lunatic and easter candy ...
well, last night before bed i turned my clocks forward like a good lad. the government has decreed, originally for the farmers, that we need all the daylight we can get! started in 1918, DST was a huge hit! so huge, in fact, that it was repealed in 1919 for it's unpopularity. seriously? no shit! i don't mind it so much in the winter ... but in the summer? what the buck, chuck ... why should i lose an hour of sleep during a night where i'm lucky to get 6 anyway ... bleh! so, after it was appealed, it became a local option and places like massachusetts and rhode island opted to continue it. i always knew those people were fucked in the head.
i wish it were still a local option, but narrowed down to individual housing. shit ... next year ... i'm getting my hour of sleep!
anyway, if DST fascinates you as i am sure it undoubtedly does ::sarcastic face:: then check out:
http://webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/b.html.
it's a cool informative site with a really neat interactive menu and gives you all the details on DST and the fuckheads who started it. that is all.
moving on ...
so, definitely feeling my 4 hours of sleep when i woke up today, i peered through half-shut eyes to the television--the object of my awakedness--where a man with a tremendous propensity for screaming and praising the lord (much like sam kinison did?) spoke in one of those really cheesy, bad movie type of preacher voices ... you know, where the last word in the sentence is raised a few decibels and said through nearly clenched teeth. now, i think i've said it before, but for the sake of clarification, i'll say it again ... watching those religious behemoths spout off is very nearly akin to watching a train wreck for me. i'm not very religious--i bet you couldn't tell!--but i do love to watch these people lose their shit on national television and this guy did just that. at one point, he reminded me very much of paula abdul in one of her "i'm not an alcoholic"-incoherent babbles on american idol.
paula: i love your colors ... they're so ... and they ... lots of colors. bright, shiny .... baubles of talent ... you shine ... you really, really shine ... i love your colors.
seriously paula, lay off the quaaludes and pick up a bible, girl! so, this guy today--god i wish i would have gotten his name--is going to town on jesus being crucified on the cross and he makes a statement and i know i'm going to get it completely wrong, but it was something to the effect of: "jesus died for our sins on the cross but it wasn't enough," and then he claims that what he just said is verging on blasphemy. oi. a self-hating church man ... must be catholic. oooh, did i just go there? i sure did! i'm catholic, so deal. ANYway .. so after this, he breaks into song, but he's half singing it, half saying it and on one section, he goes into full vocal range and belts it, but then starts crying ... or fake crying, whatever the case may be, and i'd had enough so i turned the television to "SpikeTV" and watched 'Sniper 2' with tom berenger for about 5 minutes before i decided i'd rather watch the jesus freak shout at me.
moving on ...
so, it's getting close to the time of the year when disgusting chocolates make their re-emergence into everyday society. and in case you have no idea what i am talking about, i refer to the vile ovules of turd-acular delight straight from satan's anus ... cadbury creme eggs. this is diabetic shock in a thick chocolate shell. mmm, let's buy in bulk!
i remember as a child seeing this amazing thing called a creme egg. what is it? a chocolate egg? with sweet cream in the middle?! you must be joking! you're not? i have to have one! so, i trundled along behind my father to the grocery store and after shopping, we ended up in the 'parent's worst nightmare' aisle (which i've noticed is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be) filled with teeth rotting yummy goodness that causes kids to have seizures and lay on the floor kicking and screaming: "I WANT CANDY!!!!!!"
so, i plead with my father to buy me one of these ... creme eggs ... and not just a creme egg, but a cadbury creme egg. i forget how old i was, but not yet old enough to have an allowance that i might use to purchase this nugget of delight.
me: but, dad, it's got chocolate on the outside.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, and, and ... it's got cream in the middle.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, it's got, um ... it looks like a yolk. ha ha, look dad, see how funny that looks. ::points to picture of display::
dad: ::barely glances over:: yup.
me: ha ha, that's funny right? yeah ... funny ... so, can i get one? i promise not to eat it now and spoil my supper.
dad: ::looks at me ... i think with the intent of wanting more to sweeten the pot::
me: i promise i'll shut up.
dad: ::looks to the cashier:: i'll take a dozen.
so, the ride home was the worst ever! here i was in possession of this magical delight wrapped in foil ... it was so close ... oh, man, i just wanted a nibble ... just one, small, taste of it's chocolaty and creamy perfection. i flew through dinner, eating everything in sight in a matter of seconds.
me: may i be excused?! ::zoom! out the door!::
outside my friends were already gathered and i walked to them and when i got close, i pulled forth this object of holiness ... a white nimbus surrounding the foil ... glinting off the textured surface.
me: behold ...
friends: ::collective gasp::
me: i give thee ... cadbury.
and with that declaration i begin to slowly ... fondly ... carefully pull back the foil protecting the joy inside. there it was ... my 'red rider bb gun' .... oh, my mouth was watering ... i inspected the surface ... no imperfections at all. it was beautiful. i brought it to my mouth ... gently placed my tongue on the surface to taste the chocolate. delicious! i took a bite ... the thick, sweet cream bursting into my mouth and onto my tongue.
me: ugh, this tastes like shit! ::throws it on the ground::
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the day my youthful exuberance died and my cynicism began. thank you cadbury easter bunny.
cadbury easter bunny: bok, bok, bok, bok.
oh, and for the record ... i hate peeps too! marshmallow covered in a pound of colored sugar with eyes drawn on with a sharpie marker. ick!
Friday, March 7, 2008
the prodigal blogger returns ...
first, let me extend my deepest apologies to my friends and fans who have not been given the pleasure to read my obnoxious drivel for ... wow ... like a month. it's amazing how time flies.
i've been extremely busy the past month with my new job, trying to learn the ins and outs, and basically find my groove and become comfortable with these new systems i'm working in. i have so much work that when i get home, honestly ... the last thing i want to do is blog. however, i figured it was time that i get back into my blogger mode and bore you all, yet again, with my nonsensical goings on.
when we last left our hero, he had uncovered a munchkin amidst his coworkers in the guise of a decrepit smoker who has an affinity for using the men's room. while that has not changed and she continues to utitilize the facilities of the opposite sex, our hero has discovered a strange new figure among his healthcare brethren, one that bears a striking resemblance to a past acquaintance ...
ladies and gentlemen, you will be happy to know that i have the privilege to work with the good mother, version 2, though not nearly as severe as the O.G. good mother. this one doesn't drink coffee ... she's cautious about what she eats, however, she smokes like a fire and nearly quoted the original good mother verbatim with "it's my body," when SBW (please refer to previous post) commented on her smoking while pregnant. however, this good mother cannot be more different than the original in all aspects, save the smoking. this GMv2 is funny, smart, cute and most definitely NOT white trash.
so, i'm on the phone with jamie as i type this and i think he is on something, though i can't imagine what drug could possibly affect jamie as he is, already, a bundle of energy and excitement. anyway, he's on his way to go pick up terri to take her to "rent" and he was asking what the show is about.
me: no money and aids.
jamie: you mean hiv.
me: no, they fast forward through that. goes straight from dick sucking to aids.
jamie: oh, kinda like an 'easy-bake oven.' you stick your dick in and five minutes later you come out with aids.
i fucking love him.
anyway, jamie has distracted me to the point that i cannot remember anything i wanted to blog about, so i will have to get back to everyone in another blog.
so, i just wanted you all to know that i am back and i WILL be blogging and catching up on my reading. i'm not reading any tonight, sorry folks, i'm beat. so, to those who tagged me, i will get to them. i promise!
love you all!
i've been extremely busy the past month with my new job, trying to learn the ins and outs, and basically find my groove and become comfortable with these new systems i'm working in. i have so much work that when i get home, honestly ... the last thing i want to do is blog. however, i figured it was time that i get back into my blogger mode and bore you all, yet again, with my nonsensical goings on.
when we last left our hero, he had uncovered a munchkin amidst his coworkers in the guise of a decrepit smoker who has an affinity for using the men's room. while that has not changed and she continues to utitilize the facilities of the opposite sex, our hero has discovered a strange new figure among his healthcare brethren, one that bears a striking resemblance to a past acquaintance ...
ladies and gentlemen, you will be happy to know that i have the privilege to work with the good mother, version 2, though not nearly as severe as the O.G. good mother. this one doesn't drink coffee ... she's cautious about what she eats, however, she smokes like a fire and nearly quoted the original good mother verbatim with "it's my body," when SBW (please refer to previous post) commented on her smoking while pregnant. however, this good mother cannot be more different than the original in all aspects, save the smoking. this GMv2 is funny, smart, cute and most definitely NOT white trash.
so, i'm on the phone with jamie as i type this and i think he is on something, though i can't imagine what drug could possibly affect jamie as he is, already, a bundle of energy and excitement. anyway, he's on his way to go pick up terri to take her to "rent" and he was asking what the show is about.
me: no money and aids.
jamie: you mean hiv.
me: no, they fast forward through that. goes straight from dick sucking to aids.
jamie: oh, kinda like an 'easy-bake oven.' you stick your dick in and five minutes later you come out with aids.
i fucking love him.
anyway, jamie has distracted me to the point that i cannot remember anything i wanted to blog about, so i will have to get back to everyone in another blog.
so, i just wanted you all to know that i am back and i WILL be blogging and catching up on my reading. i'm not reading any tonight, sorry folks, i'm beat. so, to those who tagged me, i will get to them. i promise!
love you all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
