my laptop is a lush ...

so ... this past week i've found myself in need of a new computer. it's been something that i've needed for a long time as the laptop i have/had was severely outdated and purchased from a friend who knows a guy who refurbs. sounds fishy, right? well, it wasn't. the computer worked fine, but it really couldn't do what i wanted it to do ... well, ok, i'm lying ... it played porn just fine, but i wanted something a bit more.

well, this past weekend i was relaxing in front of the television, drinking a beer and browsing the internet. god damn i'm such a multi-tasker!! so, i had my beer set down on the coffee table next to my laptop and when i reached over--obviously forgetting the beer was there--i knocked the bottle over and spilled a good portion of it right into my laptop keyboard. uh oh. i immediately freaked out.

what if it catches on fire?? what if it burns the apartment down?? where's my escape ladder for my balcony?? what do i save?? (please see post: "i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!")

i immediately sopped up the beer with whatever was handy at the time--my shirt for those who are curious--and shutdown, unplugged and turned the laptop on its side to drain. there it sat--like some horrible recreation of a house of cards, but made with electronics--for hours until i figured it might be safe to turn it on. i did so and my laptop yelled at me.

laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: wha?
laptop: i can haz moar beer!!
me: i sorry. i drinked it all up.
laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: ::slap::
laptop: ::silence::

so, the beeping stops and i come to the log on screen and come to find out, one of the keys i need for my password to log on is non-functional. oh shit. i had the idea to plug in a USB keyboard and got it working so i was able to log in. yay. it pretty much works for the most part, but several keys don't work.

broken keys:

• right shift key.
• space bar
• the number 6 (which when i hit it, it types an 'h')
• the letter j
• the letter p
• the letter e
  

such random letters, but fun nonetheless. i was planning on blogging a post using the keyboard, but i figured it would be too hard to read.

example:
todayisilldbronmylatoandnowmostofmylttrsdon'twork.thissucks.

translation:
today i spilled beer on my laptop and now most of my letters don't work. this sucks.

so, i called dell and ordered a brand new computer. yay! i've never had a dell before and all i can really remember about the company is that burnout always going "dude ... yer gettin' a dell!" however, this new laptop of mine is going to be pretty sweet--should be for the money i paid for it--and can do a lot of nifty things, including, but not limited to, doubling as a dialysis machine should i need it, act as an iron lung when cigarettes begin to really kill me, and porn.

i can't wait. estimated ship date is september 8th. i shall call him ... jennifer.

so, anyone know anything about dells? did i just fuck myself? i guess time will tell.

"week" in my knees ...

so, the past week--hell, the past several weeks--has been pretty tortuous and i've been carrying around a fair amount of stress and frustration with work. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this before, but the system i'm working in is going live in 13 weeks, now, and part of my job description dictates that i must make sure that information is set up correctly in said system. well, that's easier said than done when i'm working with complete morons and unreliable people.

for the past two weeks things have been especially trying and we've been working on dicrectory clean-up. what this means is that we have to go through nearly every physician record that we have in our system to make sure they have a contract; the contract is set up correctly; the providers are getting paid and are listed correctly in the global physician directory for their specialty and we had a deadline as of yesterday at noon. all of our other offices had until monday at noon to get anything in to us that still needs correcting and our mailboxes were filled to capacity the past few days with the ginormous influx of data corrections. every one decided that a last minute deluge would be well received by us ... they're wrong.

so, whatever ... you work through it ... what can you do, eh? now, representatives in our texas office claim that they've sent us information corrections and that we've not done them and therefore claim that everything they just sent us within the past day or two is all stuff they've sent us before. this is bullshit. since my start with this company i've worked very closely with those people in the texas office and have never had any problems, but when it's coming down to the wire and shit is hitting the fan, they back away to avoid cast off and push me and others in front of them to catch the detritus. the proverbial "pass the buck" routine you find in almost every office-type setting ... however, they didn't plan on one thing.

ladies and gentlemen, here at work i keep immaculate records of everything i've received, everything i've completed; have yet to complete and i can guarantee you that these last two days worth of "incomplete information changes" are the first time they've been introduced into this office. i've talked with my boss about this and she agrees that they are just trying to get everything in under the deadline and to take the blame off of themselves, it's really easy to say, "oh, but i sent it ... they must not have done it." but as i stated, i keep immaculate records and everything they DID send us was, in fact, not done in our systems, but i know without a shadow of a doubt that we've never seen them before.

anyway, so that's all that's been going on in my life. work, work, work and more work. everyone here is stressed and we can't wait for the madness to be over. i think today we're good, though not sure. gonna be pretty hectic until after the new year.

don't fuck with me fellas ... this ain't my first time at the rodeo. -- joan crawford (faye dunaway), mommy dearest (1981)

don't sty for me, argentina ...

so, this morning i woke up with--pardon the grossness of this--an excessive amount of eye guk in my left eye. my immediate thought, as i rubbed my eye with the heel of my left hand, was "oh, joy ... pink eye." well, not pink eye, but close enough ... i have a sty in my left eye and it hurts.

i took a little looksee in the mirror and it looks like it may be the result of an ingrown eyelash, though i'm not sure. regardless, my vision has been blurry all day and my left eye has been itchy and irritated and i think i had a headache all day as a result, though the headache certainly may have been brought on by the enormous amounts of stress at work lately. i'm exhausted ... here it is, 6:30 pm and i feel like i've run a marathon and the next 15 weeks are going to probably be just as bad ... you see, the system we're working in is going live in november and all kinks, bugs, glitches, information errors, etc, need to be wiped clean before it does so, so that's why i am--and will continue to be--a busy boy. so, add a sty into the mix and i am not a happy camper.

however, this sty reminds me a funny story. would you like to hear it? here it goes.

back when steven and i were dating we were out and about one day and stopped over at quiznos in odenton, i think, for a quick bite to eat. after lunch, steven wanted to visit the pet store that was in the same little strip mall thing. we walk in and this place looks like a puppy mill ... like, seriously ... you know when you're with a group of people and the subject of pets comes up and there's always that one person who's like, "oh, go rescue a dog from the pound ... don't get your pets from a pet store ... they support puppy mills." well, this is the place they were referring to when they chimed in with that little gem.

so, we're in there and steven and i split off in our own directions. this place was devoid of anything that a sane person would purchase for their pet and i was willing that everything in there was either lead or asbestos based ... there was nothing to look at except sad animals and wal*mart quality squeeze toys, however ... out of the corner of my eye i spotted a large silver cage. curiosity being my better half, i made my way to the urine-smell tinged breeding ground of disease so lovingly housing a white and brown chinchilla which stared at me with death in his (or her) beady little eyes.

DO NOT TOUCH! reads a large sign.

pfft, that obviously isn't for my benefit, so i inch my hand toward the cage ... the chinchilla is staring at me ... so, i inch my hand closer and i feel sudden wetness. what the fuck? i look down and see drops of something on my hand and i am completely confounded ... where did this wet come from? is the ceiling dripping? did i drool in my inhuman desire to touch the forbidden? i wasn't sure ... so, being the intelligent guy that i am, i reach toward the cage once more and i watch in horror as the chinchilla stands up and thrusts his hips at me sending a stream of urine onto my hand. i jerk my hand back and stare in disgust at what i now know is on my hand ... so i did what anyone would do ... i wiped my hand on some merchandise and decide my best option was to move away and pretend nothing happened.

so, i'm looking at the kittens behind the glass wall and i hear steven's voice behind me.

steven: ooh, what is that?

i turn around and see steven next to the chinchilla cage, his face mere inches from the metal bars, he hand poised to poke the little rat.

me: steven, don't touch--
steven: aaaaaah!! ::his hands are over his eye:: aaaah!!
me: ::doubled over laughing:: ... i tried ... ::breathe:: ... to warn ... ::breathe:: ... you ...
steven: that mother fucker pissed in my eye!!
me: ::laughing harder now ... it's hard to breathe ... i think i'm stroking out::
steven: aaaah! ewwwwwww ... ::shudders:: that little fucker! i will kill it!

so, after i became calm ... and then started laughing again watching steven shudder with revulsion, then calming again ... we make our way out of the store ... pretending nothing ever happened. outside, the laughing resumed, this time steven joining in.

fast forward >>
a day or two later steven stopped by the house to see me and when i greeted him i was in shock. i couldn't even see steven behind the ginormous sty that had formed in his lower eyelid of his right eye. it. was. huge. and white ... and pus filled ... it was fucking hilarious!!

ah ... ::relaxing sigh:: that makes me feel better amount my own--barely visible--sty. i laugh every time i remember that incident and it will forever go down as one of my favorite--if not the favorite--steven-related mishaps.

and ... i'm spent. <3

dedicated employee ...

i'm so dedicated!
today i was awake early and decided, instead of sitting on my ass watching pointless television shows at 4 a.m., that i would be productive and head into work. so i did. i was in by 5 and got a ton of work done by 7. i rock.

normally, i have fridays off ... however, this week i have ... today off ... i know, i know ...

the masses: but, you went into work already this morning!
me: yes, yes i did and i left at 10:30 so i'm putting the time i worked today toward overtime and coming in friday instead, much to the pleasure of my boss who was fighting with herself to ask me to come in friday seeing as several other people are also out then. so, as a favor to her, i'm working a full day on friday.

she loves me.

TAG
so, TAG is going to be out tomorrow and friday and i don't know what i'm going to do without her at work. she really makes the day go by much faster and easier and now i'ma be stuck talking to UTF or other co-workers. don't get me wrong, i get along with my co-workers, but not as well as with TAG.

she's going to "Do-Me" beach ... woot for her. have a great time, TAG, and see you on monday ... don't catch anything while you're there!

this page intentionally left blank ...

those 5 words ... in that order ... irritate me.

i was at work this morning at 7 am (i'm dedicated!!!) and i was working on some contracts for various doctor's out in texas and i ran across one contract that had not one, but two pages back to back stating only: this page intentionally left blank.

what, in the name of god, is the reasoning behind this? who's the brilliant mind that came up with that idea. is there a boardroom full of people sitting around a conference table and they're going through contracts and one guy ... we'll call him james ... speaks up and asks phil, the guy who wrote the contract, why the pages are blank?

james: hey phil. this contract looks great but i noticed that you forgot to put something on these two pages.
phil: oh yeah, james? which pages?
james: these two pages, phil. ::holds up the two blank pages:: you forget to put contract terms on here?
phil: no, james. those pages were intentionally left blank.
james: oh. well, phil, maybe we should put a notation on there to inform other people who read this contract that these pages were intentionally left blank.
phil: not a bad idea, james. but what could we put on there that would let people reading this contract know that i intentionally left those two pages blank.

silence fills the room as everyone is now brainstorming. susie, who just got back from getting a coffee, sees all the thoughtful looks.

susie: what's going on?
james: susie, we were just going over this contract that phil worked on and he intentionally left two pages blank. i came up with the idea that we should put something on these pages that informs other readers that they were intentionally left blank.
susie: oh yeah? mind if i take a look?
james: no, please do. maybe some fresh eyes will help.
susie: ::after looking at the contract for several minutes:: well, you're right, james. these two pages are blank. ::turns to phil:: you say you intentionally left these blank?
phil: i sure did, susie. i didn't have any information to go on there so i intentionally left them blank.
susie: this is puzzling.
marcus (the new guy): what if we put "we had no information to put on this page" on each of the pages? then people who read it will know that they were intentionally left blank because we had no information to put on those pages.
phil: i like it! i think the new kid is on to something.
james: well, phil ... marcus ... it does have merit, however ... it's too wordy, i think. i would like people reading this contract to know that these pages were intentionally left blank in as few words as possible.
marcus: shucks, you're right, james. that makes sense. ::goes back to thinking::
susie: what if? ... no, no never mind ... that won't work.
phil: no, susie, let's hear it. no ideas are bad ideas in here.
susie: well, i was thinking that if we wanted to let everyone know that these pages were intentionally left blank, we could contact janet down in marketing and have her order a stamp from staples that we can stamp on these pages. it could say something along the lines of, "blank page on purpose," or something to that effect. then we could just stamp it and everyone would know that these pages were intentionally left blank.
james: that's a great idea, susie, however, i'm not sure this is in our budget. we have hawaiian shirt day on friday and we're having lunch catered.
susie: oh, i'd forgotten about that. ::goes back to thinking::
phil: i have it!! ::he stands up and addresses the room, all of whom watch him with rapt attention:: we write: "this page intentionally left blank."
james: i like it! it's says what we mean and in few words! now everyone who reads this contract will know that these pages were intentionally left blank! great job, phil! ::begins to applaud::

soon, everyone in the boardroom is applauding phil and his brilliant idea. the meeting comes to an end and people begin to file out of the room.

susie: ::approaching phil:: hi phil. that was a great idea you came up with ... uh, i was wondering ... do you want to go get a drink sometime?
phil: well, susie. you know that i'm married ... but sure ... why not? maybe afterward we could fuck.

so ... apparently those two pages were intentionally left blank and some trees just died a little inside.

many shades of pissed ...

so, here it is ... 6:30 a.m. and i'm at work, sneaking on to blog.

i'm so fucking irritated right now, it's virtually unbelievable ... i work with a twat of a co-worker who is probably the single most unreliable person i've ever met at a job. she has no work ethic, she's habitually late, calls out consistently and doesn't really do shit when she is here. i'm sick of it.

my department is split into three regions ... pennsylvania (which covers pennsylvania, of course, parts of new jersey, parts of maryland and random scatterings of other areas), mid-atlantic (which covers maryland and some other areas), and texas (which covers .... guess ... yup, texas!). i work in the texas region with UTF (unreliable twat face) and we have so much work it's crazy. we're actually working in a region that should, technically, have 3 people working in but we split the difference between us ... or at least, that's the ideal setup, however ... UTF has been here 4--maybe 5--months and has probably been out a month of that for various reasons:

• sick
• car broke down
• relative died (times 3)
• she fell (which did happen b/c it happened here at work and i saw/heard it ... it was ugly)
• car accident

now, the falling thing ... i can understand that ... she fell pretty hard, but some of the other excuses she has used are a bit fishy. example ... her car accident ... it just so happens that 2 days before this 'accident' she informed my friend--and amazing co-worker--TAG (thin and gorgeous) that she had a friend coming into town for a week. well, lookie here ... guess how long it took to recover from this 'accident' ... yup, a week. funny how many coincidences there are in life, yes?

so, now ... with all the work that i already have, we just got an email last night requiring us to do additional overtime that is mandatory. are you freaking kidding me? ugh ...

so, here it is now 10 of 7 and UTF is still not in and her shift begins at 7 ...

my vision is red.

unnecessary meetings ...
to make my work situation even worse, we have two very unnecessary meetings scheduled for today that will waste time that i could be working and catching up on stuff that we are apparently behind on. does it end?

overheating ...
so, this one has nothing to do with my co-worker ...
recently i just had $700.00 worth of work done on my jeep to repair my radiator which was leaking fluid. it was a chunk of money that i really wish i didn't have to part with, however, it was a necessary evil. after the work was done, the jeep ran great!

yesterday, however, i smell antifreeze and i look at the temperature gauge and whatd'yaknow ... it's overheating. are you kidding me?? so now, on my day off, i have to bring my jeep back to meineke and inform them that they didn't fix it. ugh ... fucking idiots!!

so ... needless to say i'm a bit salty today. have a great fucking day, all. peace.

oooh, final edit ...
UTF just walked in the door and sat her fat ass down. get to fucking work, woman!!

that is all.

that birthday party? yeah, it was a drag ...

so, last night, mrs.twink dragged me to a birthday party which, for all intents and purposes, was a great little shindig, however ... i knew only the people that i came with and then 2 or 3 others who showed up, which, whatever ... no big deal. i was already in the company of the most important people at the party.

so tracy, the birthday gal ... at least i think her name was tracy ... help me out, here mrs.twink ... anyway ... possibly-tracy, the birthday gal, was a sweetheart and i do believe i had met her before at a gathering thrown by the twinks in the past, either new years or a birthday, i really can't remember. usually the twinks' parties turn into a blur of alcohol and food, so it's hard to separate them from one another.

anyway, so the house that this party was in so so cute! and the girl--god help me i can't even remember what letter her name begins with--did a great job with the decorating. 4 floors, including basement and rooftop deck. i hung out for a little bit on the roof with zack and jenny before planting my ass on the sofa next to mrs.twink, where we discussed fascinating topics such as: shear genius, top chef, hell's kitchen and project runway. mrs.twink and i were joking around and she confused me with steven saying that steven was the one who was up doing the robot with her at her wedding reception, when the fact is ... it was me who started it off with her and i was up there for a bit until the entire attendance at the reception started to crowd around and watch and, well ... i was done. so, anyway, i was hurt ... so i made some emo comment about slashing my wrists (/wrists) and i got the dirtiest look from some cow in a black dress. here's an idea, you pig faced sow ... eat. me. raw.

anyway, about an hour and 15 minutes into the party, it was time for mrs.twink and i to depart ... we had a drag show to get to! so, she and i made our way through fed hill on foot to meet jamie, terri and bill at some bar called tight rope or on the ropes or rope walker or ... well, something with the word "rope" in it. jamie. was. hammered. already ... it was a little after 9 pm. oy, that boy.

we hailed a cab and all 5 of us squeezed into this brick oven on wheels, which was ripe with stale sweat and undertones of urine, and made our way to the hippo. long story short, yadda, yadda, yadda ... we're in the hippo, having drinks, chatting and the show is about to begin, so we go over to the dance side to find our tables. mrs.twink and i sat down just in time to catch chaka khanvict perform the opening number, a little madonna tune. i glance over at mrs.twink and her face was that of a woman who suddenly realized her tickets to the "Jesus Saves" revival concert, were actually front row tickets to a public execution. she. was. stunned.

but, as with all of the human race, curiosity always gets the better of us and she watched on, i think waiting for the train to derail and spill human parts.

about halfway through the show this collection of middle-to-late-aged women in skimpy clothing and pasty white skin, begin dancing on a portable pole that was lugged out into the middle of the stage ... (for jamie: sorry for not helping to carry that out there, but honestly ... after seeing what was done with it, i wanted to disinfect just for being in the same room with that thing.) they did this somewhat erotic--and extremely creepy--routine and i think i caught sight of grandmotherly labia. i can't be certain. it may have just been a skin tag. anyway, i think even the straight guys who were at the show found it difficult to watch and i threw up a little in my mouth.

now, don't get me wrong. i have no problem viewing a woman's body and i think women are beautiful, for the most part. i'm not sexually attracted to them (shut up, mrs.twink) but i certainly can appreciate their femininity and kudos to these cougars for being comfortable enough with themselves and getting up there and dancing their wrinkles off. i was just ... disturbed ... and after peering around the room, i certainly wasn't the only one.

there were some great performances and a decent amount of humor from the MC who, at one point, asked mrs.twink if i "popped [mrs.twink's] cherry," to which a shake of the head prompted, "good, because he's gay, honey!"

i could tell mrs.twink was tired, so finally, after an extremely long show--which was a lot of fun and very well put together--mrs.twink and i hopped into a cab back to her place where i got into my jeep and drove home.

fin.

three's company ...

ok, so i know three posts in one day is a bit over the top. can anyone say "over compensating?" i've got the bug now and i just wanted to blog about this past weekend.

i was lying on my sofa watching television this past saturday, minding my own business, and trying to nap as i had a house warming party to go to later that evening. usually when i'm trying to nap i ignore any and all distractions such as my telephone ringing or someone at my door, but this particular afternoon when my phone buzzed, something possessed me to pick it up and look at it. it was a text message.

text message: this number still work?

it was from my first boyfriend ever, rich, who was also my very first love. i hadn't seen rich in roughly 11 years--closer to 12--and i responded with a "it sure does." a few minutes later i get another text advising me that rich was up from florida and in DC visiting his friend amber. my eyes got big. so i sent a text back.

me: oh ya? what are you up to? i'd really love to see you.
rich: nothing at the moment and i'd love to see you as well.

we chatting a bit through text message--why i didn't just pick up the phone and call is beyond me--and we settled on a game plan and rich took the metro out to greenbelt station, approximately an hour away from me, and i was there to greet him when he arrived. seeing him again, walking across the parking lot toward my jeep, was like a physical blow to my chest.

we'd met a lifetime ago on an online chat engine and several times over the next year or two, we were able to meet in real life at some weekend BBQs hosted by some of the other members of the chatter and we quickly developed a strong friendship which evolved into more. we decided we were going to make it official and began dating. although we now considered ourselves boyfriends, there was one little problem. rich lived in kentucky and i was up in maryland and--to make a long story short--even with frequent visits, the relationship only lasted for about another year and a half to two years and we decided that the distance was too much and we broke up. we kept in touch via the phone and the chatter, but after a while, the chatter kind of died out and then the phone conversations, as with all things, slowly began to ebb until they were virtually nonexistent.

about 4 years ago, i found rich's number and gave him a call, surprising him. lines of communication opened again and we chatted fairly frequently. i was dating steven at the time and i'm a completely monogamous person so i never thought of rich in that romantic context while i was with steven and the issue never came up. once again, however, our phone calls faded and then stopped altogether.

now, though, after seeing him again this past weekend ... every single emotion i've ever felt for rich ... every feeling i've ever had for him, came rushing back in a single monumental lurch and i knew then, as i looked at him on the drive back to my place, that i was done letting him slip through my fingers. we've had a few chances in the past to be together, but one thing or another prevented us and i'm done.

i've come to realize that i do love rich with all of my heart and i want to be with him and no other and i will do whatever it takes to have him in my life. i want to get a house with him ... i want to grow old with him. rich was my first love and i want him to be my last.

i'm sorry. i'm really not used to talking about my emotions like this, so please forgive if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. i'm usually the bitter, cynical fella, but rich just evokes a softer side in me ... a more emotional side.

a few days ago i decided i'd lay it all on the line to rich and tell him how i feel, though i tried tactfully to not scare him off. he seemed very receptive to my words and to my statement of "i want to be with you," he replied that a long distance relationship would only be a temporary fix, which to some might seem like a more negative response, however, the way he said it gave promise to the possibility of us living together.

i would love for rich to move up here to maryland to be with me. there are some really nice town homes that i think we'd be very happy in and i have so many friends up here, along with my family, that i would hate to move away. while i know that rich also has a lot of friends down in florida, his family is in ohio which would mean he would be closer to them if he was up here and he would already have another friend in the area too, as amber is in DC. obviously i haven't reached the point yet where i talk to rich about moving. i understand things need to be taken slowly, but i do know that my feelings for him won't change. i love rich ... i've always loved rich.

omg, i'm so sappy! i've half a mind to not post this ... but that would be unfair to rich and myself and you all. this is another side of me you get to see that, i'm pretty sure, i haven't shown yet.

FAQ

i'm writing a little FAQ (frequently asked questions) to help you all understand my absence and my subsequent return.

where the fuck have you been?
whoa ... whoa ... simmer down ... let's not start this thing off with swearing. for your information, i've been around ... just not online much.

why not?
well, if you've read my previous post, i explain why i was gone.

i've read it, but it's not good enough. sounds like a lame excuse to me.
hmm. you're an asshole. lame or not, it's the excuse i give because it's the truth. with this new job i'm uber busy all day and really don't have time to blog, coupled with the fact that everything we do on the internet is monitored and nearly every site that is for entertainment purposes is blocked. we can't even view job recruitment websites unless it's for our own company.

what can we expect from you now?
well, that's a good question. i'm going to try my best to blog as much as i can. i have fridays off now so it--hopefully--won't be a problem for me to log on real quick and post something.

we've heard that before.
that's not a question.

we've heard that before? is that better, asshole?
hmm. you're in a mood. anyway ... yes, i know i've said that i am going to try and be on more and blog more and all that jazz, but this time i think i might be able to follow through with my declaration.

what makes this time any different?
well, when i tried to log on this morning to blog i realized that i'd forgotten all of my login information and i therefore spent the better part of an hour trying to figure all that shit out. i would attempt to recover my password only to find out the email i was using was either completely invalid or not associated with gmail or blogger. so, i had to figure out which email i used then had to figure out which password--of the many that are floating around in my head--that i used. it was very frustrating but i stuck it through to the end and i figured it out. now, does that sound like something i would do if i was just going to be flippant about this whole thing?

what does flippant mean?
means frivolous or not taking this seriously.

ok, thank you. moving on. what can we expect in terms of blog content?
see, now that's a good question. i plan on returning to my old sarcastic--

yeah, we like that.
um, can i finish without being interrupted, please?

oh, yeah ... sure, i'm sorry.
anyways ... i plan on returning to my old sarcastic, witty and bitter ways. i know of at least one or two people who will be happy to have me back, but i can't speak for everyone else. they won't even know i've blogged unless they have me on an RSS feed.

that kinda sucks.
in the form of a question, please.

oh for fuck's sake! that kinda sucks?
yes, yes it does.

what's that smell?
what smell?

hey, i'm the one asking the questions here! you don't smell that?
no, i really don't.

oh, maybe it's just me. anyways, so, when can we expect your "sarcastic, witty and bitter ways," as you put it?
not sure yet. i'm a bit rusty so i'll need some time to get back into the swing of things.

ok, well, one last question. are you glad to be back?
i am and i've missed everyone and i will try and be better this time and post blogs more frequently. i'm sorry--

yes, yes, we know ... you're sorry. i have no more questions for you. goodbye!

::peeks head in through door:: hello? anyone here?

wow ... almost 5 months ... that's just crazy ... or lazy, your choice.

ok, so before anyone starts berating me for my lack of blogs over the past few months, lemme just get my excuses out of the way now.

i have a new job where every single thing we do on the internet is virtually monitored and i, therefore, cannot blog from work like i could with my last job. pretty self-explanatory, yes?

the masses: but you can blog from home!

true ... true, i could ... but do i ever feel like it? no, and here's why ... i sit in front of a computer for 10 hours a day ... i get home and the last thing i even think about it turning on my computer. however, with the recent fuel crisis (yes, i think it's a crisis ... i mean, who wouldn't?) and the summer days, i've been given the option to work a 4-day work week, which. i. love.

so, it's friday ... i'm at home, not at work ... and i figured i'd try to get back into this blogging schtick.

the masses: yeah, we've heard that before!

i know, i know ... i'm a horrible, lying, flaky person, but here's the thing ... it just took me over an hour to get all my login information for this blog and do you think i would honestly expend that much energy and time on something i really didn't think i would follow through with? i seriously will try my best!

i can't believe i'd forgotten all my log info. i couldn't even remember the gmail account i used for a mental fracture. that's sad. i would blame it solely on my inactivity, but i think my hostory of drugs may be rearing it's ugly head and i'm developing early onset alzheimer's. someone shoot me if i start pissing and shitting myself. mrs.twink, i give you that task.

in closing, please forgive me for my absence ... i think it was a needed break for me. they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i think my extended hiatus was necessary to be back into the blogging mood and have a fresh outlook on things.