Monday, April 19, 2010

is this thing on?

holy shit, it's been a long time since i've blogged anything ... i kinda forgot i had this thing and i'm actually a bit hesitant to post seeing as it's been well over a year; however i've been tweeting like mad lately and it's kinda put the mood in me again.

this is obviously going to be a very short post, but i wanted to say i might be back!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

jeep trouble ..again! oh, and my new laptop is here. :)

so, yesterday started out really shitty and if the title of this post isn't any sort of indication, well ... you're either a complete moron or you don't read post titles ... either way, i shall enlighten you.

so, i get ready for work and i head downstairs. i deposit some trash in the dumpster--which will get picked through later by the dundalk vultures--and i hop in my jeep, ready to go grab a coffee and head to work. i turn the key and i get nothing ... huh? i tried again, this time a flicker ... as they say, third time's the charm and my jeep turns over. must have gotten wet, i say to myself. i back out and head to 7-11.

7-11 is packed this morning with the usual dundalkian fare ... from trashy women with mustaches waiting for their rides to bristly old men spilling hot coffee on their hand without so much as a wince or a hiss of pain to the grumpy 7-11 employee who, finally, has started to warm up to me. i just think he wants in my pants. sorry, buddy ... i only sleep with guys who work at mcdonald's!

so, i pay for my shit and hop back into my jeep and try to start it. nothing. not this again! i tried several more times and still nothing. i called my boss; left a message.

me: um, [boss], i am going to be late or not in at all. i know this is a very vague statement, but i'm having jeep trouble and i'm about ready to take a hammer to it. but, i'm calling triple a and i will try and be in asap.

there's a slight snag here ... i don't have a AAA account which, now that i think about it, is a very, very stupid decision on my part, so i called the next best thing ... my father. long story short, he gave me all of his AAA info and i call them up.

woman on the line: thank you for calling triple aaa, mr. [my last name] this is chartrendra speaking, how are you today? author's note: i have no idea if that is really her name. she sort of slurred it and that's what i could piece together. we'll call her char-char.
me: hi char-char. i'm not too good, actually. i'm having trouble with my jeep and i'm stuck at 7-11. i think it's the battery.
char-char: well mr. [my last name] we can send someone out to jump your vehicle or to replace the battery for you.
me: ooh, a replace would be nice if that's the problem.

long story short, i tell her where i am and she says someone is on the way. a few seconds after hanging up with her i get a call from someone else from AAA informing me that battery service doesn't run until 8 or 8:30 (i forget) but they will come out there and jump me. the guy comes out and jumps me, tells me to go to pep boys. i do. it takes about 2 hours for them to replace my battery. i'm not happy. i go to work. i get there at 10:30 a.m. i'm still not happy. i check my comcast email. my new laptop has been delivered to my father's place. i'm happy again.

the rest of the day crept by so fucking slowly in part because i was terrified that someone was going to steal my new laptop sitting out on my father's front porch.

after work i sped to my father's place and made it there in roughly 20 minutes which would normally take 40-45 minutes. i'm lucky i didn't get pulled over or die. i pull into the driveway and i see the computer waiting for me. yay!

i just hafta say, this computer is amazing! it can do so much and i love it. it has a fucking fingerprint scanner! are you shitting me?? i had to program it to read my fingerprints!

in closing ... my jeep sucks, i hate it, but it's fixed now--for how long. i love my computer, it's raw power in a tuxedo black shell! i think later this week i will take over the world. <3

Thursday, August 28, 2008

my laptop is a lush ...

so ... this past week i've found myself in need of a new computer. it's been something that i've needed for a long time as the laptop i have/had was severely outdated and purchased from a friend who knows a guy who refurbs. sounds fishy, right? well, it wasn't. the computer worked fine, but it really couldn't do what i wanted it to do ... well, ok, i'm lying ... it played porn just fine, but i wanted something a bit more.

well, this past weekend i was relaxing in front of the television, drinking a beer and browsing the internet. god damn i'm such a multi-tasker!! so, i had my beer set down on the coffee table next to my laptop and when i reached over--obviously forgetting the beer was there--i knocked the bottle over and spilled a good portion of it right into my laptop keyboard. uh oh. i immediately freaked out.

what if it catches on fire?? what if it burns the apartment down?? where's my escape ladder for my balcony?? what do i save?? (please see post: "i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!")

i immediately sopped up the beer with whatever was handy at the time--my shirt for those who are curious--and shutdown, unplugged and turned the laptop on its side to drain. there it sat--like some horrible recreation of a house of cards, but made with electronics--for hours until i figured it might be safe to turn it on. i did so and my laptop yelled at me.

laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: wha?
laptop: i can haz moar beer!!
me: i sorry. i drinked it all up.
laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: ::slap::
laptop: ::silence::

so, the beeping stops and i come to the log on screen and come to find out, one of the keys i need for my password to log on is non-functional. oh shit. i had the idea to plug in a USB keyboard and got it working so i was able to log in. yay. it pretty much works for the most part, but several keys don't work.

broken keys:
  • right shift key.
  • space bar
  • the number 6 (which when i hit it, it types an 'h')
  • the letter j
  • the letter p
  • the letter e
such random letters, but fun nonetheless. i was planning on blogging a post using the keyboard, but i figured it would be too hard to read.


today i spilled beer on my laptop and now most of my letters don't work. this sucks.

so, i called dell and ordered a brand new computer. yay! i've never had a dell before and all i can really remember about the company is that burnout always going "dude ... yer gettin' a dell!" however, this new laptop of mine is going to be pretty sweet--should be for the money i paid for it--and can do a lot of nifty things, including, but not limited to, doubling as a dialysis machine should i need it, act as an iron lung when cigarettes begin to really kill me, and porn.

i can't wait. estimated ship date is september 8th. i shall call him ... jennifer.

so, anyone know anything about dells? did i just fuck myself? i guess time will tell.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

"week" in my knees ...

so, the past week--hell, the past several weeks--has been pretty tortuous and i've been carrying around a fair amount of stress and frustration with work. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this before, but the system i'm working in is going live in 13 weeks, now, and part of my job description dictates that i must make sure that information is set up correctly in said system. well, that's easier said than done when i'm working with complete morons and unreliable people.

for the past two weeks things have been especially trying and we've been working on dicrectory clean-up. what this means is that we have to go through nearly every physician record that we have in our system to make sure they have a contract; the contract is set up correctly; the providers are getting paid and are listed correctly in the global physician directory for their specialty and we had a deadline as of yesterday at noon. all of our other offices had until monday at noon to get anything in to us that still needs correcting and our mailboxes were filled to capacity the past few days with the ginormous influx of data corrections. every one decided that a last minute deluge would be well received by us ... they're wrong.

so, whatever ... you work through it ... what can you do, eh? now, representatives in our texas office claim that they've sent us information corrections and that we've not done them and therefore claim that everything they just sent us within the past day or two is all stuff they've sent us before. this is bullshit. since my start with this company i've worked very closely with those people in the texas office and have never had any problems, but when it's coming down to the wire and shit is hitting the fan, they back away to avoid cast off and push me and others in front of them to catch the detritus. the proverbial "pass the buck" routine you find in almost every office-type setting ... however, they didn't plan on one thing.

ladies and gentlemen, here at work i keep immaculate records of everything i've received, everything i've completed; have yet to complete and i can guarantee you that these last two days worth of "incomplete information changes" are the first time they've been introduced into this office. i've talked with my boss about this and she agrees that they are just trying to get everything in under the deadline and to take the blame off of themselves, it's really easy to say, "oh, but i sent it ... they must not have done it." but as i stated, i keep immaculate records and everything they DID send us was, in fact, not done in our systems, but i know without a shadow of a doubt that we've never seen them before.

anyway, so that's all that's been going on in my life. work, work, work and more work. everyone here is stressed and we can't wait for the madness to be over. i think today we're good, though not sure. gonna be pretty hectic until after the new year.

don't fuck with me fellas ... this ain't my first time at the rodeo. -- joan crawford (faye dunaway), mommy dearest (1981)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

don't sty for me, argentina ...

so, this morning i woke up with--pardon the grossness of this--an excessive amount of eye guk in my left eye. my immediate thought, as i rubbed my eye with the heel of my left hand, was "oh, joy ... pink eye." well, not pink eye, but close enough ... i have a sty in my left eye and it hurts.

i took a little looksee in the mirror and it looks like it may be the result of an ingrown eyelash, though i'm not sure. regardless, my vision has been blurry all day and my left eye has been itchy and irritated and i think i had a headache all day as a result, though the headache certainly may have been brought on by the enormous amounts of stress at work lately. i'm exhausted ... here it is, 6:30 pm and i feel like i've run a marathon and the next 15 weeks are going to probably be just as bad ... you see, the system we're working in is going live in november and all kinks, bugs, glitches, information errors, etc, need to be wiped clean before it does so, so that's why i am--and will continue to be--a busy boy. so, add a sty into the mix and i am not a happy camper.

however, this sty reminds me a funny story. would you like to hear it? here it goes.

back when steven and i were dating we were out and about one day and stopped over at quiznos in odenton, i think, for a quick bite to eat. after lunch, steven wanted to visit the pet store that was in the same little strip mall thing. we walk in and this place looks like a puppy mill ... like, seriously ... you know when you're with a group of people and the subject of pets comes up and there's always that one person who's like, "oh, go rescue a dog from the pound ... don't get your pets from a pet store ... they support puppy mills." well, this is the place they were referring to when they chimed in with that little gem.

so, we're in there and steven and i split off in our own directions. this place was devoid of anything that a sane person would purchase for their pet and i was willing that everything in there was either lead or asbestos based ... there was nothing to look at except sad animals and wal*mart quality squeeze toys, however ... out of the corner of my eye i spotted a large silver cage. curiosity being my better half, i made my way to the urine-smell tinged breeding ground of disease so lovingly housing a white and brown chinchilla which stared at me with death in his (or her) beady little eyes.

DO NOT TOUCH! reads a large sign.

pfft, that obviously isn't for my benefit, so i inch my hand toward the cage ... the chinchilla is staring at me ... so, i inch my hand closer and i feel sudden wetness. what the fuck? i look down and see drops of something on my hand and i am completely confounded ... where did this wet come from? is the ceiling dripping? did i drool in my inhuman desire to touch the forbidden? i wasn't sure ... so, being the intelligent guy that i am, i reach toward the cage once more and i watch in horror as the chinchilla stands up and thrusts his hips at me sending a stream of urine onto my hand. i jerk my hand back and stare in disgust at what i now know is on my hand ... so i did what anyone would do ... i wiped my hand on some merchandise and decide my best option was to move away and pretend nothing happened.

so, i'm looking at the kittens behind the glass wall and i hear steven's voice behind me.

steven: ooh, what is that?

i turn around and see steven next to the chinchilla cage, his face mere inches from the metal bars, he hand poised to poke the little rat.

me: steven, don't touch--
steven: aaaaaah!! ::his hands are over his eye:: aaaah!!
me: ::doubled over laughing:: ... i tried ... ::breathe:: ... to warn ... ::breathe:: ... you ...
steven: that mother fucker pissed in my eye!!
me: ::laughing harder now ... it's hard to breathe ... i think i'm stroking out::
steven: aaaah! ewwwwwww ... ::shudders:: that little fucker! i will kill it!

so, after i became calm ... and then started laughing again watching steven shudder with revulsion, then calming again ... we make our way out of the store ... pretending nothing ever happened. outside, the laughing resumed, this time steven joining in.

fast forward >>
a day or two later steven stopped by the house to see me and when i greeted him i was in shock. i couldn't even see steven behind the ginormous sty that had formed in his lower eyelid of his right eye. it. was. huge. and white ... and pus filled ... it was fucking hilarious!!

ah ... ::relaxing sigh:: that makes me feel better amount my own--barely visible--sty. i laugh every time i remember that incident and it will forever go down as one of my favorite--if not the favorite--steven-related mishaps.

and ... i'm spent. <3

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

dedicated employee ...

i'm so dedicated!
today i was awake early and decided, instead of sitting on my ass watching pointless television shows at 4 a.m., that i would be productive and head into work. so i did. i was in by 5 and got a ton of work done by 7. i rock.

normally, i have fridays off ... however, this week i have ... today off ... i know, i know ...

the masses: but, you went into work already this morning!
me: yes, yes i did and i left at 10:30 so i'm putting the time i worked today toward overtime and coming in friday instead, much to the pleasure of my boss who was fighting with herself to ask me to come in friday seeing as several other people are also out then. so, as a favor to her, i'm working a full day on friday.

she loves me.

so, TAG is going to be out tomorrow and friday and i don't know what i'm going to do without her at work. she really makes the day go by much faster and easier and now i'ma be stuck talking to UTF or other co-workers. don't get me wrong, i get along with my co-workers, but not as well as with TAG.

she's going to "Do-Me" beach ... woot for her. have a great time, TAG, and see you on monday ... don't catch anything while you're there!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

this page intentionally left blank ...

those 5 words ... in that order ... irritate me.

i was at work this morning at 7 am (i'm dedicated!!!) and i was working on some contracts for various doctor's out in texas and i ran across one contract that had not one, but two pages back to back stating only: this page intentionally left blank.

what, in the name of god, is the reasoning behind this? who's the brilliant mind that came up with that idea. is there a boardroom full of people sitting around a conference table and they're going through contracts and one guy ... we'll call him james ... speaks up and asks phil, the guy who wrote the contract, why the pages are blank?

james: hey phil. this contract looks great but i noticed that you forgot to put something on these two pages.
phil: oh yeah, james? which pages?
james: these two pages, phil. ::holds up the two blank pages:: you forget to put contract terms on here?
phil: no, james. those pages were intentionally left blank.
james: oh. well, phil, maybe we should put a notation on there to inform other people who read this contract that these pages were intentionally left blank.
phil: not a bad idea, james. but what could we put on there that would let people reading this contract know that i intentionally left those two pages blank.

silence fills the room as everyone is now brainstorming. susie, who just got back from getting a coffee, sees all the thoughtful looks.

susie: what's going on?
james: susie, we were just going over this contract that phil worked on and he intentionally left two pages blank. i came up with the idea that we should put something on these pages that informs other readers that they were intentionally left blank.
susie: oh yeah? mind if i take a look?
james: no, please do. maybe some fresh eyes will help.
susie: ::after looking at the contract for several minutes:: well, you're right, james. these two pages are blank. ::turns to phil:: you say you intentionally left these blank?
phil: i sure did, susie. i didn't have any information to go on there so i intentionally left them blank.
susie: this is puzzling.
marcus (the new guy): what if we put "we had no information to put on this page" on each of the pages? then people who read it will know that they were intentionally left blank because we had no information to put on those pages.
phil: i like it! i think the new kid is on to something.
james: well, phil ... marcus ... it does have merit, however ... it's too wordy, i think. i would like people reading this contract to know that these pages were intentionally left blank in as few words as possible.
marcus: shucks, you're right, james. that makes sense. ::goes back to thinking::
susie: what if? ... no, no never mind ... that won't work.
phil: no, susie, let's hear it. no ideas are bad ideas in here.
susie: well, i was thinking that if we wanted to let everyone know that these pages were intentionally left blank, we could contact janet down in marketing and have her order a stamp from staples that we can stamp on these pages. it could say something along the lines of, "blank page on purpose," or something to that effect. then we could just stamp it and everyone would know that these pages were intentionally left blank.
james: that's a great idea, susie, however, i'm not sure this is in our budget. we have hawaiian shirt day on friday and we're having lunch catered.
susie: oh, i'd forgotten about that. ::goes back to thinking::
phil: i have it!! ::he stands up and addresses the room, all of whom watch him with rapt attention:: we write: "this page intentionally left blank."
james: i like it! it's says what we mean and in few words! now everyone who reads this contract will know that these pages were intentionally left blank! great job, phil! ::begins to applaud::

soon, everyone in the boardroom is applauding phil and his brilliant idea. the meeting comes to an end and people begin to file out of the room.

susie: ::approaching phil:: hi phil. that was a great idea you came up with ... uh, i was wondering ... do you want to go get a drink sometime?
phil: well, susie. you know that i'm married ... but sure ... why not? maybe afterward we could fuck.

so ... apparently those two pages were intentionally left blank and some trees just died a little inside.