Wednesday, December 26, 2007

i swear i'm not 15 anymore, but i am argumentative.

first of all, i hope that everyone had an amazing holiday and got everything you wanted from that creepy old man who breaks into people's homes to leave gifts under the tree and eats your food and drinks milk that has been left out to grow warm ... next year i'm going to skip a step and just leave out a bowl of cottage cheese. mmm.

so, this holiday weekend my father and i travelled up to pennsylvania to visit family, namely my grandmother and then my aunt, uncle and cousins. friday night i left work and proceeded to my father's place where i stayed the night, bags packed, ready to go. we left a little after 5 am for the 4 1/2 hour trek to where my family lives. as with any road trip my father and i partake, we end up arguing about something. i love my father to death but he is stubborn, which is probably where i get my own stubborn streak. so, on the way up we start arguing about something. i can't even remember what it was, that's how trivial it is, however, i knew without a shadow of a doubt that i was in the right and of course i'm going to stick to my guns and defend myself against being called a liar by my father.

as we argue, my father gets more and more angry and i realize that i should just give up and swallow a fair amount of my pride and end this fight by acquiescing to him and telling him he's right. so ... i do just that. the argument is over ... for me, at least, but my father has to get in the last word.

my father: you just love to argue. you're argumentative.

touche, father o' mine ... touche. so, i basically sat in silence for the rest of the trip--which at this point was only about another 30 minutes--brooding and being silently angry answering his queries or comments with a grunt.

as with every argument with my father, we make up soon after and forget that anything ill had transpired. we get to our bed and breakfast--the mainstay in saxonburg, PA--which is now owned by a very cool gay couple who did amazing work with the place definitely improving it. we get our rooms, drop off our bags and we're off to visit my grandmother.

my grandmother, as some of you may know, has alzheimer's and it's progressed fairly far and she's mid to late stage 2. she still thinks i'm 15 and constantly asks me my age and is always surprised when i tell her. well, this trip i have a beard. i'm not sure i look forward to her reaction as 15 year olds shouldn't have full beards (no, not a fu man chu or mountain man ... just a light dusting of facial hair that has stepped beyond goatee and soul patch.) we get there and as expected, she doesn't recognize me at first. which is fine. she soon realizes it's me.

g.ma: how old are you now, geoffrey?
me: 31, grandma.
g.ma: 31? no ... really?
me: yes.
g.ma: are you really?
me: yes. i love you.
g.ma: oh, i love you too, sweetheart.

approximately 5 minutes passes by.

g.ma: how old are you now, geoffrey?
me: 31, grandma.
g.ma: 31? no ... really?
me: yes.
g.ma: are you really?
me: yes, grandma. ::inward sigh::

to attempt to make a long story short, she asks me repeatedly over the course of my visit and i try so hard not to get frustrated but it's really hard not to. she is a shadow of her former self and i always get so depressed when i go visit. i hate seeing her like this, though there are some funny moments ... such as the following exchange.

after about an hour into our visit, the nursing home is having a flutist come in and play christmas music and we urge my grandmother to go as we don't want to deprive her of some enjoyment. otherwise, we'll sit in silence. so, her friend rose talks her into going so she does. she's gone about an hour and when she comes back we see her walking down the hall with rose. this is their conversation:

rose: oh, [g.ma], you have visitors.
g.ma: i do?
rose: yes. ::she points at us. apparently her alzheimer's isn't as far as my g.ma's::
g.ma: ::peers at us from down the hall:: they're here for me?
rose: yes, [g.ma].
g.ma: ::leans in and "whispers" to rose:: i don't even know who they are.

sometimes you just have to find humor in things. so, our visit with her and the rest of my family was nice and we came back home sunday evening. i got to my place a little after 7:30 and crashed. monday, i did nothing. tuesday i spent christmas with my father at his place. it was a good time. i got there for breakfast and then spent the entire day with him, getting home at about 11:30 pm last night. i was exhausted. my father surprised me with a nearly complete set of tools, complete with toolbox. i was taken aback. i feel so butch now.

i felt horrible that i wasn't able to get him any presents, but money is tight right now. i love my father so much and i would do anything for him. he's a good man, charlie brown.

so, how was everyone's holiday? get anything good?

Thursday, December 20, 2007

"you don't own the road!" ~ an open letter to 18-wheeler drivers everywhere

i'm going to take a page from mrs.twink's book and write an open letter. why? because i feel like it. nyah!

dear sir or madam,

i'm writing with concerns at the way you and your ilk handle the large 18 wheeled vehicles on the roadways. contrary to what you may think, you do
not own the road. sure, you drive a very large vehicle and i'm sure any opposition you encounter will acquiesce to your superiority, however, you give little heed to safety or concerns of other motorists.

this morning, on the way to work, i noticed not one, not two, but three incidents where you and your kind gave little to no warning when switching lanes, often forcing other drivers to brake suddenly to avoid being pulled under your immense weight or forced into roadside barriers. i, myself, felt very confined and frightened when a large truck bearing concrete pipes crossed the double lines while travelling through the fort mchenry tunnel. perhaps you didn't realize, but to my right was this large thing called a wall. perhaps you are unfamiliar with what this is, so let me explain. when a hole is bored through--or under--solid rock and/or earth, they create these concrete constructs to support the hole which would now be called a 'tunnel'. these 'walls' have no give and remain solid regardless what size vehicle is thrown at them. tunnels have the uncanny effect of being a small enclosed space that i am sure even someone such as yourself has some understanding. therefore, when you cross the double line, i think of death. my own. it's not a happy thought and makes the already stressful commute to work all the more so.

although i made it through the tunnel relatively unscathed, bearing in mind, please, that my mental state is a little fractured after this near-exchange of heavy metal pleasantries, i am worried that one day i, or another motorist, will be turned into paste.

in closing, i would ask that you please bear some consideration for other drivers and keep in mind that although you are in a rush to get where you need to go, destroying a life in the process will, more often than not, delay your eventual arrival at your destination. i will tell you right now that i am definitely a person who will--and has--call those 1-800-how-am-driving? numbers. so, do everyone a favor, including yourself, and drive more carefully. don't ruin my day or my life. thank you.

sincerely yours,

a concerned driver.

Monday, December 17, 2007

dumpster diving in the big d and teriyaki chicken

this weekend was highly uneventful for me which, to say the least, is something i cherish. sometimes i love not having to do anything, you know? i think the most active i was on saturday was go to 7-11 for cream for my coffee .... hours pass ... i take a shower. that's it. i was broccoli on saturday (to steal that term from terri.)

sunday morning was a bit different, actually. as i sat on my wind-whipped balcony, sipping from my cup of 'chock full o' nuts' coffee and smoking a cigarette--yes, yes, i know ... i know--i was privy to a rarely seen event ... an outing by the 'secret dundalk society of dumpster divers.' they come in droves and sweep across the parking lot like a swarm of locusts ... i once saw a cat cross their path and when they passed, all that was left was a shiny, clean, white feline skeleton. they assault the dumpsters that, though quite useful as you don't have to wait for trash day, really do nothing for the apartment complex decor. lids are flipped open, the clang of plastic against metal reverberating off the buildings, and they begin picking, depositing cans and other items--apparently worth saving--into carts to be hauled back to their burrow. no dumpster is spared this indignity of being ripped open and pored through and, as quickly as they arrive, they leave ... the only sound is the wind and the rustling of trees ... it's almost as if they weren't really there ... ::cue dramatic, yet spooky, music:: this is why i don't throw junkmail or other items with my name and address into the trash and choose, instead, to shred them. currently, i have a bag full of stuff that needs shredding as i don't have my own shredder in my new place. ::sad frowny face::

so, later i ventured out of my apartment to hit up the grocery store for some essentials. i finally remembered to get peanut butter this time! yay! my whole reason for going to the store, however, was because i had been craving this dish my father used to make all the time when i was younger. the concept is simple, but the way it turned out quickly skyrocketed that meal to the top of my 'favorite dinner' list.

all day i wanted teriyaki chicken. now, i love teriyaki chicken anyway, but i really wanted my dad's teriyaki chicken. so, gathering the ingredients that i didn't have, i settled down to recreate the dish. it starts with teriyaki or soy sauce in a bowl ... throw in some sesame seeds ... mix in some brown sugar ... pour over seared chicken and let it cook in. now, the way my father used to make it, it used to thicken up a lot and had this sweet-sesame-soy flavor that was, at the time, to die for. my recreation, though very tasty, didn't turn out like my father's. it had a decent resemblance in taste, but the sauce didn't thicken like i remember and tasted more soy than anything. so, i'm pretty sure the problem was that i hadn't added enough brown sugar. next time, i will remedy that. but ... i ate it anyway over rice and it definitely sated my appetite.

and that's it, folks. that's my weekend. if you come to dundalk and see a crowd of people pulling carts behind them, run away and don't stop in front of them or you're likely to be picked clean!

**special shout-out to nanette for crushing on me ... i totally crush on her as well and if you haven't read her blog, i command you to do so. you will not be disappointed! big puffy heart for you, nanners!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

"i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!"

last night at around 8:30 pm, i was watching television and was rudely interrupted by the clamour of a fire engine ... siren wailing, horn blaring ... now, this is not uncommon to hear the sounds of emergency vehicles when you live in the city, so attempted to drown out the sound with the volume of my television. (note: watching 'robin hood: men in tights' is significantly less enjoyable with the volume just shy of deafening.)

several minutes go by and the raucous is still out there. i hit pause, stand and look out my living room glass doors. i see nothing. i decide that it's about time for a cigarette anyway, so i grab my coat and hat and head out onto the balcony. i notice, off in the distance, the winking red and white lights belonging to the messenger of noise. seconds later the sound ceases and quiet has once again taken resident.

me: oh, guess they found it. ::i think to myself::

shortly after making this assumption, however, the sound started up again, as loud and as shrill as before. it sounds like they're getting closer. uh oh. i lean out over the balcony to check my building to be sure a fire hasn't sprung up beneath or around me. nope, nope ... all clear. i don't smell smoke either. the sound draws nearer and i see the flashing beacons reflecting off windows and vehicles in the parking lot of the apartment complex across the street.

me: now they must have found it. ::i think to myself as the sound dies once more::

sure enough, however, no sooner do i think these words when the sound, once again, cuts through the night. shortly after, i see the nose of the firetruck peek around the corner of the building that had previously been blocking my view. there is a large fire engine with a smaller 'fire chief' truck trailing behind and they are both moving very slowly through the parking lot.

me: jesus christ ... are they lost? ::i think in bewilderment, silently praying that should i ever need them, they will be much, much faster with their response time::

i watch as they leave the parking lot across the street, cross through the intersection, and make their way into my very own parking lot. i begin frantically peering around to see if my building is on fire again. i start forming an escape plan in my head ... do i jump if i can't get out? so what if i break my legs, at least i'll be alive. should i take anything with me? i really do like those shoes ... and that jacket ... oooh, what do i do??

as i poise to dart back inside and begin gathering some of my belongings, the fire engine--the noise the loudest it could possibly be ... my ears ringing ... is that blood i feel dripping down my neck?--sweeps past my apartment followed closely by the smaller vehicle.

to what do my wondering eyes should appear, but a jolly old elf, sitting on a lawn chair in the back of a fire department pick-up truck, waving. are you fucking kidding me? isn't it a little early to make your rounds, you fat man in red? all that noise--me thinking the world is ending--for a fat guy in a suit. dundalk frightens me. i guess this is quite common, however, as i was regaling some of co-workers with this story and before i could get to the punch-line, they were nodding and smiling and laughing at my discomfort.

as santa rode by, he waved, i waved back. i hope i finally get that shiny new bike i asked for when i was 7 ... stingy old man.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

the good mother returneth and gay interrogation.

so, i have a couple of things today.

first topic today is that the good mother has returned to work! yay! i'm super excited about this, no not because i missed her ... well, i did miss her, but not because we're good friends. when the good mother went on maternity leave, i was shunted into her position here at work. i don't envy her in this position because it sucks. i was always leaving work late, having to deal with piece-of-shit machines and basically was the sole person responsible for this one particular client. however ... now that the good mother is back, i can take up the reigns i had so recently relinquished. yay!

second ... today i was approached by a co-worker who wanted to talk to me. i politely indulged her communicative fancy. the conversation went something like this:

big mama: so, when did you know that you were ... uh ... you know?
me: um. not sure i follow.
bm: you know ... when you decided to be, uh ...
me: gay?
bm: ::with a visible sigh of relief:: yes, that.
me: well, firstly i didn't decide anything. it's who i am. second, i came out when i was 17 going on 18.
bm: oh. well, how do you know?
me: you mean aside from sleeping with men? ::i laughed ... she smiled wanly:: i just know.
bm: but ... i mean ... you're so cute.
me: ::silence::
bm: why aren't you with a nice girl?
me: ::silence::
bm: you're too cute to be gay.
me: wow. i don't know what to say. are gay guys generally ugly?
bm: oh, i don't know many.
me: well, i can definitely assure you that there are a lot of very cute gay guys ... just like me ::i added as an afterthought::
bm: ::she smiles:: oh, ok. well, i was just wondering.
me: ok, well. anytime you have questions.
bm: you really are a handsome boy, you know.
me: thank you.

so, although i was a little thrown at this random and sudden line of questioning, i was happy ... i love being told i'm cute and she called me a boy. yay!

sometimes it's a bit humorous when straight people try to broach the subject of homosexuality as if it's a forbidden topic or leaves a bad taste in their mouth (pun definitely intended.) i'm very open about my sexuality, though i don't announce it. however, if i am asked, i will not lie and i will talk about it if that's what they desire. i hid it for years and i got tired, long ago, of pretending to be someone else ... i'm proud of who i am and the happiest i've ever been was when i was able to reach that plateau of just not caring what people think anymore and embracing myself. yay!

i'm totally going to start a daily affirmation blog. well, probably not.

Friday, December 7, 2007

a new way to enjoy drinking water ...

recently one of my co-workers, hazel-eyes, turned me on to a new way to drink water. it's actually surprising how many people do not drink water simply because they don't like it or it tastes bland. sure you can add lemon and give it a little bit of a tang, but not everyone likes that flavoring. however, during a conversation she was talking about beyonce and how the super star hates water and how she dresses it up. at first, what she told me sounded a little strange and i wrinkled my nose at it, however, the following day she brought in the ingredients and i was blown away by the crisp, refreshing flavor.

it's very simple ... in addition to adding lemon slices to your water, you also drop in several slices of cucumber. some of you may balk at this while others may not, but i am telling you, the taste is absolutely fantastic! it's such a light flavor and is quite refreshing and for those who don't enjoy drinking water because it is bland will enjoy the subtle flavoring of the cucumber. this is certainly my water of choice now when having dinner guests.

i recommend trying this. you will not be disappointed. well, unless you're deathly allergic to cucumber in which case:

DISCLAIMER: the poster of this blog cannot be held responsible for death, coma, hives or any allergic reaction or illness induced by consuming the aforementioned drink.

let's all get healthier together! drink more water! enjoy!

oh, and if you don't believe me, check out the recipe for yourself.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

lesbians make for strange bedfellows ...

i must start off by saying that the drive home last night sucked and certainly not in the good way! traffic was horrendous on 295 and then on 95 you could just barely make out the lines painted on the road. not that it mattered because no one stayed in any particular lane until we reached the tunnel.

many vehicles drove with 4-way flashers on ... cars lay askew in mini-drifts of snow at the side of the road ... there were tow trucks, salters and police cars ... OH MY! it was a complete mess and i drove grandmotherly behind some guy with his flashers on and you know what? i didn't care! i don't mind going slow in the snow when there's actual snow on the road ... not the flurry bullshit that people panic over. i'm talking icy conditions, accidents, the whole gambit. slow is the way to go. heyyyyy.

so, on the way home i had a tail ... daisy dyke, in her beefed-up, super-charged f-150--just kidding ... she drives a hyundai suv--was following me to my place as we were on a mission. our mission, should we have chosen to accept it--which we did--was to find an ice scraper/snow brush combination. sounds easy, right? fyi, i cleaned off my window with an old cd jewell case .... ghetttttttoooooooooo.

we arrive at my place, i drop off my stuff and we were on our way. our first stop ... dun dun dunnnnnnn ... walmart. i was tempted to buy an inflatable snow-globe for my balcony. i figured it would compliment the inflatable waving snowman and the inflatable santa claus already taking residence there, but i changed my mind at the last minute and removed it from my cart. i picked up a few things though none of them was an ice scraper/snow brush ... they were fresh out.

our next stop, homo depot. i picked up a couple sets of white lights to decorate the railing of my balcony with but again, ice scraper/snow brushes were extinct ... wiped out from the face of the earth. some people claim it was a huge meteor ... i think it was just thrifty and speedy shoppers.

finally we found ourselves at superfresh where i picked up some ground beef for pasta sauce, a key lime cheesecake and some other essentials. on the way out to what do my wandering eye should appear ... no, not a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer--or dill does--but the object of our search ... our holy grail. angels sang hallelujah and i snagged that bad boy!

we got home and i invited daisy dyke to stay for dinner where i prepared a scrumptious rotini pasta with some basil and garlic pasta sauce, huge chunks of ground beef and large fresh mushrooms swimming among the tomatoey goodness; a capricci salad for appetizer. we ate and then hung out for a bit watching tv and perusing the post secret blog and other 'post secret' sites. we didn't manage to have room for desert before daisy left so as a result, i have an entire key lime cheesecake and a tub of italian gelato in the freezer.

i had a great time with daisy dyke being that it was my first time hanging out with her outside of work. she's a hoot and i believe we have plans this saturday. yay. i fell asleep to 'premonition' with sandra bullock in it ... this is my 4th or 5th attempt to watch this movie and it's not boring, i am just so tired when i try to watch it. i may try again tonight. each night i get a little bit further so, if following suit, i should finish it by sunday night.

speaking of movies, mrs.twink, i just remembered the worst movie i have ever seen--i couldn't even finish it and that's unlike me as i always try to finish a movie to the end, regardless of the murder of braincells they often inflict--was 'idiocracy' starring luke wilson and maya rudolph. holy shit that movie made me want to eat a bullet. you should totally watch it!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

daylight robbery of a stolen meme from mrs.twink

here is the meme that mrs.twink stole from someone else. i liked it so i am doing it and posting it. nyah!

if someone says "is this okay" you say?
because of you ~ kelly clarkson
i'm only doing this because of you? dunno.

what would best describe your personality?
welcome to the machine ~ pink floyd
i did this while at work, so this makes sense. when i am at work i'm in total work mode (well, except for doing this and blogging and stuff) ... like a machine.

what do you like in a guy/girl?
look up ~ zero 7
i guess this means i like short guys. (edit: or maybe i like to "look up" at tall guys.)

how do you feel today?
put your hands inside the puppet head ~ they might be giants
i've been run ragged at work today and i honestly feel like a puppet.

what is your life's purpose?
the dope show ~ marilyn manson
that's encouraging. ::frown::

what is your motto?
i wonder where you are tonight ~ dolly parton
i'm not sure which is worse ... the fact that apparently i'm always pining for someone, or that i just admitted i have dolly parton on my ipod.

what do your friends think of you?
there'll be another spring ~ dianne reeves
apparently, to my friends, i'm expendable. great.

what do you think of your parents?
steamy windows ~ tina turner
ew. that's just wrong on many levels.

what do you think about very often?
solitude ~ dianne reeves
"i'm a loner, dotti ... a rebel."

what is 2+2?
would i lie to you ~ eurythmics
i refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me ... and math was my worst subject.

what do you think of your best friend?
make someone happy ~ judy garland
my best friend(s) definitely make(s) me happy.

what do you think of the person you like?
nutbush city limits ~ tina turner
just like nutbush ... my love life is empty!

what is your life story?
hands ~ jewel
i got nothing.

what do you want to be when you grow up?
nanci ~ toad the wet sprocket
i got news for you ... i already am!

what do you think when you see the person you like?
aren't you the guy? (who hit me in the eye) ~ they might be giants
wow ... that's deep. or meaningless, not sure yet.

what do you parents think of you?
i hope you dance ~ leanne womack
my father always wanted the most for me.

what will you dance to at your wedding?
poison arrow ~ abc
i don't think i even know what this song is. it's on one of my 80's compilations cds.

what will they play at your funeral?
goonies 'r' good enough ~ cyndi lauper
damn right i'm good enough ... and i'm a goonie!

what is your hobby/interest?
story of a lonely guy ~ blink 182
"i'm a loner, dotti ... a rebel." yah, i'm real original ... and apparently all alone in this world. ::cry::

what is your biggest secret?
possibly maybe ~ bjork
i secretly don't know many bjork songs, though i have several of her albums on my ipod. oops.

what do you think of your friends?
predictable ~ korn
they're not all that predictable ... oh, who am i kidding. yup, there's jamie calling me now ... like clockwork!

what should you post this as?
daylight robbery ~ imogen heap
tada!

"baby it's cold outside ..."

today i find myself in a good mood, surprisingly, as my ride into work this morning sucked. snow seems to have a strange power as when it starts, soft flakes billowing out of the cloudy steel gray sky, people suddenly forget how to drive.

a light flurry began as i reached the toll plaza this morning and i got through, no problem. we all drive into the tunnel and about halfway through, traffic is suddenly starting to back-up. hmm. interesting. several minutes later i emerge into the world again and find that it is snowing ... the world has stopped. my visage is filled with red ... no, not from anger, but from the multitude of break lights as people are dumbfounded by this strange white substance that is falling from the sky.

motorist1: what is this stuff?
motorist2: omg, the world is ending.
motorist3: ::tuning the radio to an am news channel:: snow? what is this snow they are referring to?
motorist4: must go 25 miles per hour.
motorist5: argh, i'm dead!
me: fucking move you fucking idiots!

so, a trip that normally takes me anywhere between 15-25 minutes, took me close to 45 minutes today. glad i left early.

however, though i loathe driving in snow (and rain, shhhh), it always seems to lighten my spirit as it's so beautiful and reminds me that it is truly the holiday season.

happy holidays, everyone! enjoy this wonderful season and may you and yours have the best one imaginable.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

dundalk dinner party, part 2 (real post)

so, saturday night my good friend terri came over for dinner and a movie. i had an inkling of what i wanted to create, but i was still toying around with ideas. i got chicken out to thaw and had it in my fridge for most of the day, however, my fridge is kept very cold as i love my milk like ice and ultimately, like a cold refrigerator, so when it came time to actually do anything with the chicken, it wasn't thawed. i placed both breasts (woot) in a bowl of room temperature water to finish thawing.

terri called me shortly before she was coming over and informed me that she was waiting on the lady to finish with my gift. my gift? i then told terri she didn't have to get me anything, but she threw it back in my face stating that she hadn't gotten me a housewarming gift yet. fine, whatever.

terri arrives toting a nordstrom box. curious. i'm commanded to open it and i do and what i found inside delighted me. it was adorable. it's a ceramic piggy bank that she had personalized with her nickname for me: geoffy-poo. i laughed, we hugged and i put it on display. i was wondering what sort of gift required someone to work on it and thought for a second she had gotten me some art and was having it framed. i dunno. i'll try and get a picture up at some point, though terri will probably have one up long before i will.

so, for dinner, i finally decided on sauteed chicken and vegetables with fresh steamed greenbeans with onion and red bell pepper and a capricci salad for an appetizer. i sauteed the bird and when i was done, transferred it to a baking dish while i sauteed the vegetables (onion, red and green bell pepper and mushrooms). when they were done, i put them on top of the chicken and covered it with mozzarella cheese and threw it in the oven for a few minutes. viola. cheesy sauteed chicken and veggies ... or something. whatever. terri took photos of all that and it looked better than it sounds. we ate (using my new table, courtesy of theresa ... thank you baby!), it was good; we went into the living room to watch a movie.

terri perused my DVD case and finally selected 'starship troopers' which is a movie that i absolutely love and found out that she loved as well. yay! we watched the movie, making fun of the bad acting throughout the whole thing oftentimes making the same observation or using the same cheesy bad-acting voice at the exact same time. it was delightful. after the movie, terri had to leave. she was tired. i understood.

it was a fun night and i apologize to those that invited me to game night, but i was in my PJs and didn't feel like doing much else for the evening aside from vegging out on the sofa in front of the television.

thank you, terri, for the gift. i love it! and also thank you for coming by and spending time with me. you're always welcome (p.s. that goes for all my friends!)

can you name this animal?


if no one gets it, though hopefully you will as it isn't that difficult, i will post the answer later. happy holidays!

(note: this is not my actual post ... i will try and post one a bit later. this is just something i found funny and wanted to put up.)

Monday, December 3, 2007

the wind that stole christmas ...

"you're a mean one, mr. wind ... you really like to bloooooow."

so, it's crazy windy outside today and it sucks driving a jeep in because it's very similar to steering a cardboard box in a hurricane. on my way to work i was swerving on the highway, narrowly avoiding mac trucks and other motorists, while also having to really stamp on the gas pedal to get princess madonna jeepington to cut through the wind and move forward at a faster clip than 45 mph. oy. i think i pissed off some people behind me.

anyway, so, though the wind is hard to drive in, i'm very delighted that it's this windy today and i'll tell you why. as per the title of this blog, on my travels through dundalk the wind decided to make me happy by causing severe havoc to every single inflatable christmas ornament that adorns the lovely town of dundalk. since wal*mart, k-mart and every other trashy store decided to sell those annoyingly white-trashy blow up dolls you place in your yard for the holidays, i've had an unhealthy aversion to them. i've contemplated slicing and dicing with a butcher knife on occasion ... that's how much i hate them. so, i had a smile the whole way while noticing these eyesores deflated or blown off kilter or simply exploded under the immense pressure. i love mother nature and her early december spring cleaning. time to take out the trash, mommy-nature!

the united states should seriously ban these things and gather them up and airdrop them in afghanistan as a form of mental warfare. take that, osama ... you've got pretty lawn ornaments.

Friday, November 30, 2007

little tests thanks to mrs.twink (and whoever she got them from)

$3790.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.


321 WATTS Body Battery Calculator - Find Out How Much Electricity Your Body is Producing - dating


Your Body is Producing 321 Watts!
This is 28% MORE wattage than the average person
You could light up 3 light bulbs
You could power 80 iPods
You could power 2 Xbox 360s
3 of you would be needed to keep a refrigerator running

i think i'm the only person ...

... who can get a neck injury simply by turning to look for traffic as i'm driving home.

ladies and gentlemen, i have glass bones and muscles, i swear to god. last night, while taking the exit for my neighborhood, i turned to look make sure the way was clear and devoid of traffic when suddenly i felt a sharp pain on the left side of my neck. my head immediately felt immobile and every movement; every bump in the road, sent a sharp stab of pain through my neck.

seriously? what the fuck. i just got over a neck pain that was affecting much more than just my neck ... it hurt to take a bite of food and swallowing was difficult and i couldn't look to my right. now, however, i'm able to eat and look to my right, but looking left is virtually impossible. sitting upright and watching tv last night was a challenge, and laughing during scrubs didn't feel too great and sleeping ... forget about it. i think i maybe got about 2 hours last night. i slept through my alarm this morning and, consequently, was late for work.

i think my warranty has finally run out. it's a sad state of affairs when a person can get injuries in a vehicle without being involved in some sort of accident.

i took some aleve with a strong cup of coffee this morning and the pain has lessened a bit already. oy! someone buy me a walker ... i've hit my peak.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

fear in dundalk ...

i think i'm a target ... not sure how it happened or who i've crossed, but the cross-hairs are in the middle of my forehead. there's nowhere to run ... there's nowhere to hide ... i'm a marked man ... by the soccer-mom mafia.

this morning, as i was leaving my apartment, in good spirits, i might add ... i found a gift right outside my front door ... a perfectly folded and bleached white sock. i immediately looked around to see if the giver of this unusual gift was around. i was alone. the hallway ... deserted.

"hello?" i tentatively called out. the only response was my echo. i looked down at the sock again and kicked it away as if it were a snake poised to strike. a ripple of fear coursed through my body and i quickly turned, pulled my door shut and locked it. i hurried from the building and climbed into my jeep and sped out of there.

i've heard tales of the soccer-mom mafia many times so i'm familiar with their methods. their first threat is a bleached and perfectly folded white sock. not too long after that, you wake up one morning with a bottle of tide next to your head on the pillow. soon, strategically placed fabric softener sheets will spring up here and there, a constant reminder of their vigilance and that they are watching you ... when they're not at sporting events with their children, i mean, but you get the picture.

i'm not sure what to do or where to turn.

or ... it could have just been a plain white sock found in the laundry room that someone mistakenly thought was mine and left it there for me to find. who knows. let's pray for the latter. i just thought it was strange to see a sock placed equidistant between the door frames where i was sure to see it as soon as i stepped out. jamie musta spooked me last night.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

catching up ...

i know it's been a while since my last post but i have had absolutely no time to read anyone's blog much less comment or write my own. i'm sorry. the past couple weeks have been pretty busy here at work so i've not had the opportunity to post anything. i know, i know ... i could create a new post at home, but seriously? i'm in front of a computer all day at work and sometimes the last thing i want to do is sit in front of one in my living room. half the time i don't even turn the great humming beast on, though bills are due soon so i'll have to tonight, i'm sure.

as many of you know, i work with medical insurance and currently i'm contracted with an insurance company dealing with psychological claims and during the holidays, as i am sure some of you may know, many people suffer from depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and thus, the number of claims that we receive basically doubles and sometimes triples in quantity. more claims = more work for me = no time for playing around on the computer at work. boo. today seems fairly light so far so i've managed to eke out a few minutes.

recap:
two saturdays ago i attended a party in whitemarsh at tom's place where a group of 25 people were split into two teams, salt and pepper. after said teams were formed, we had a choice of ingredients to choose from to create 3 courses: appetizer, main course, dessert. i'm going to direct you to terri's page because she has pictures and has explained everything that i could put here. i'm just going to sum it up by saying that i had an amazing time and can't wait to do it again!

so ... last week, on wednesday to be exact, i was inundated with a hefty workload ... one that i was sure i wouldn't be able to complete before 5:30 (which is when my shift was supposed to end, assuming i didn't stay late to finish) thus leaving me with a lot of work upon my return after the holidays. so, i'm working as hard as i can and it looks like i might actually be able to get everything finished by 5:30 ... but just barely. then the big boss decides to spread some holiday cheer.

big boss: we will be closing the office at 3 p.m. today in preparation for the holiday. happy thanksgiving.

now, normally i'd be thrilled to be leaving work early ... not today. i'm pissed as now i know i won't be done. so, 3 o'clock rolls around ... everyone in the office leaves, but wait ... what's this? geoffrey is still hard at work while everyone is busy relaying holiday greetings and shoving people out of the way in a race to get out, yelling obscenities, and then leaving burning rubber streaks in the parking lot, driving up over curbs, destroying shrubbery, horns blaring, plumes of smoke painting the air ... in that mad rush to get the eff out of dodge. ok, so it didn't really happen like that, but it's what i imagined as i was stuck behind a computer working. bleh. finally, at 3:30, i decided that what i don't have done can wait. i leave. buhbye.

thursday morning i was up at 4 a.m., leaving my place at 5 for my trek down to richardsville virginia to visit my mother and the rest of the collective. traffic was light at that hour and i made it down there in about 2 hours, a few pee breaks on the way (i was well into my 3rd cup of coffee as i left 7-11 that morning.) when i walked in the house the first words out of my mouth were not those of greeting as they should have been ... no, instead it was "holy shit, there's a lot of people in here." sprawled out over every conceivable flat surface were air mattresses, blankets, pillows, lumps of bodies and stuffed animals. i had to carefully navigate through the mine field of flesh to avoid triggering anything and i managed to make it to the kitchen unscathed where my mother was already elbow deep in stuffing for the bird.

long story short:
everyone arrived who wasn't there already and it was actually nice to be surrounded by family again. i got to see nephews and nieces i hadn't seen in years and finally got to meet my great niece who is absolutely precious (though she did pee on me friday morning!) this was also the first time in years that my mother and all four children have been together in one place so that was especially nice. i do have pictures of all of this but, as you all know, i'm horrible with posting pictures. i'll have a post later of all the pictures i was supposed to post and never did. if i get time. lol. i had a great time during the visit, though i was actually sick the entire time. that's the reason i left early into the weekend (friday night instead of saturday night or sunday morning) as i just wanted to sleep in my own bed and try and get better. i still feel like crap today and i have a lingering cough along with a spot of congestion. wheeeeeee!

i hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday. i thought about you all while i was away but i didn't have access to a pc. i will get around to reading blogs and posting comments either today or tonight when i get home. i promise i will do my best.

Friday, November 16, 2007

dundalk dinner party

it's wonderful to have friends and it's equally wonderful to be able to have them over and cook for them. i've always loved cooking but, in the past three years or so, i've found it difficult to actually place myself in the kitchen and prepare a decent meal that didn't constitute microwaving leftovers or thrusting frozen dinners into the oven. my previous domicile had two very anal-retentive occupants who, when i cooked and then cleaned, rolled up behind me to clean again, though i have no doubt in my prowess with a soapy sponge. however ... they apparently did.

now that i have my own place i find that it is much easier to create the mess and clean it up after with the knowledge that my practices will not be scrutinized later. thus, the dinner party begins.

last night i hosted an informal blogger convention/dinner party amid unpacked boxes and the smell of new carpeting. the guests of honor included: mrs.twink, the mr., jamie and theresa, 4 people who i adore and am very happy to know. well, except theresa because she dropped key lime tart on my carpet, but i digress.

my guests all arrived bearing gifts, each with a bottle of wine and mrs.twink and the mr. bringing along mini-tarts for desert as well as some amazing artichoke hummus that mrs.twink made from scratch. impressive and quite delicious.i decided to bake a lasagna and, mind you, it's been about 7 years since i've actually made a lasagna so i feared that my skills might be a little rusty, however, i found a great spinach lasagna recipe online at theveggietable.com. spinach lasagna? you may ask ... yes ... you see, mrs.twink is a born-again vegetarian and i felt that it would be far simpler to make everything vegetarian than to single her out and make her eat ruffage while the rest of us enjoyed juicy and meaty steaks. so, for a starter, i created a cool summer asparagus salad (i know it's not summer, but i love asparagus and i love salad thus, i love asparagus salad) with the lasagna playing center stage. i won't lie ... i had a fair amount of trepidation regarding the outcome of the meal, but i am certainly pleased with the results.

the salad was nice and cool with a light, citrus flavoring and the tang of kalamata olives topped off with a hint of mint. (ooh, i rhymed!) however, i feel that i had put too much onion in, though i followed the recipe exactly, except i forgot to crumble goat cheese over the top! oh, i was so angry. that's the part i was looking forward to the most even if it was only an optional ingredient.

the lasagna, made with a four cheese alfredo sauce instead of the traditional marinara, had quite a bit of flavor and wasn't as heavy as many lasagnas tend to be. though the recipe didn't call for it, i added several cloves of garlic as, in my opinion, garlic has a place in virtually any meal, especially italian fare. everyone, save mrs.twink and her amazing figure, had second helpings of each. damn her and her skinniness. i just think she didn't like it.

throughout the course of the night and the meal, we managed to drain the 3 bottles of white wine, though the types fail to come to mind at the moment. i do remember the riesling, as we saved it for last as more of a deserty wine to have with/after the mini tarts.

after dinner we lounged and chatted, mrs.twink and the mr. snapped some photos, though i felt completely gross after working all day and then slaving in the kitchen, so i wasn't very cooperative where the photos are concerned. the mr. and i bonded a few times ... i believe there is photo evidence of that and i would appreciate copies of those, thank-you-very-much-mrs.twink!

all in all, i think the evening went well and i can't speak for everyone, but i had a great time and i am sincerely glad that they came over to see my new place and to spend some time with me. i haven't seen mrs.twink, the mr. or theresa in quite some time, so i was super excited to see them. thank you guys and gals so much for making my night so enjoyable. i [heart] you guys!

an additional thank you to jamie for sticking around and helping with the dishes even after i assured him that i wasn't too worried and i would take care of it. finally, i gave in and he helped me clean up. so, thank you very much, jamie-poo!

side note:
i will be having a housewarming party at some point once i get all my boxes out of the way, so have no fear.

also, i managed to get my xbox360 working last night, though i don't know for how long, but at least i am able to get some use out of it before i send it off to the nazi-corporation, microsoft.

edit: comments and jokes last night were just that ... jokes. hopefully people know me enough by now not to take shit i say seriously. however, though it goes against every conceivable evil bone in my body, i apologize if i offended unintentionally. ooh, apologizing hurts.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

i smell like wet dog ...

two posts in one day is an amazing feat for me considering that i am hardly ever able to post twice in a week!

bag-lady, for the longest time, has been threatening to bring her dog--affectionally nicknamed 'piddle-puppy'--in to pee on me and bite my throat out. her and i go at each other almost every day, pretty much, and i am usually the one standing victoriously upon her broken skull. i win!

so, anyway, she's been threatening me and she finally brought him in to work today as he had a vet appointment earlier. i went out to see the ferocity that is 'piddle-puppy'.

zomg, he's so cute. he's a husky/wolf mix and his name is fenrir (awesome fucking name ... look it up if you don't know what it is) and he neither peed on me nor bit out my throat. he was a bit hyper, but adorable nonetheless and he loved being pet. he had these intelligent brown eyes and his coat was silver and white (would go GREAT with my minolos). i was terrified. i told bag-lady so.

bag-lady: i warned you.

but ... now i smell like wet dog which is probably the most unattractive smell next to cabbage farts. oh well.

they say it happens in 3's ... i've already had 2 ...

last night, after a long day at work and a subsequent drive to my old residence to pick up my paycheck that my temp agency had mailed there instead of the new address they've been aware of since before i moved in, i picked up a new game for my xbox360 that had just come out. 'assassin's creed,' a game i've been waiting for for close to 6 months, was finally available for purchase and once i picked up it--having reserved it months ago--i drove home.

i walked into my apartment, showered, dressed into my lounge-wear and turned on my xbox360, preparing to have some fun ... except ... i didn't get the usual green lights in the front on the 'ring of light' ... nope, instead i got the infamous 'red ring of death' known throughout the gaming world as one of microsoft's major fuck-ups.


the lights blinked and taunted me. i went online and looked up support and did everything i was instructed to do. all for naught. nothing helped. finally, i got fed up and dialed their 800 number and was greeted by a jovial computer voice named 'max'. max was very friendly and offered to wait for me while i attempted things he told me to do. (i had sudden flashbacks to 2001, a space odyssey.) finally, i concluded that max was beyond retarded and i said into the phone, "operator."

max: please hold while i see if anyone is available.

a few minutes later (a surprisingly short hold time) a woman answered the phone, her indian accent thick. i could hear people in the background talking very loudly, some in indian (i think it's called punjabi, not sure) and some in english. she introduced herself as 'claire.' riiiiight. claire. sure, ok. whatever. i tell her my problem. she repeats everything i say back to me, inserting a "now, let me be sure i have this right, joff (that's how she pronounced my name), you are calling because [insert whatever i have already said here]."

me: i have 3 blinking red lights on the front of my xbox.
claire: now, let me be sure i have this right, joff. you have 3 blinking red lights on the front of your xbox?
me: ::sighs:: yes.
claire: what color is the light on your power box?
me: green.
claire: now, let me be sure i have this right, joff. the light on your power box is green and you have 3 blinking red lights on the front of your xbox?
me: yes ::so not amused::

(a lot more of similar transactions so i am skipping ahead a bit.)

claire: well, joff, i am sorry to inform you that i will have to open a repair ticket at this time and your xbox will have to be sent in to be repaired.
me: you're joking with me, right?
claire: i'm sorry, joff.
me: this is ridiculous. i've had this xbox360 maybe a year and a half and it's doing this? this is utterly ridiculous ... retarded, even.
claire: i'm sorry, joff.
me: ::heavy audible sigh:: what now?
claire: i see here your warranty has expired in april of this year, 2007.
me: oh, of course it has. how could i expect anything less?
claire: however, for this 3 blinking red light problem, microsoft gives an additional 3 year warranty.
me: ::sarcastically:: yay, a silver lining.

she proceeds to tell me that all postage will be paid. they will send me the pre-paid box to pack my xbox360 into and instructions on how to pack it and when i should expect a return. i'm so utterly frustrated at this point. you'd think that if you spend close to $500 on something you'd expect it to work, yes? apparently not. i couldn't resist hanging up w/o being a smart-ass tho.

me: now, let me be sure i have this right, claire. you're going to send me a box to pack my xbox into and instructions on how to pack it and my return time could be anywhere between 1-2 weeks with a worse-case scenario of 4-6 weeks?
claire: yes, joff. is there anything else i can assist you with today?
me: no, you've been spectacular. ::hangs up::

so, first my jeep was being shitty with me ... now my xbox360 is being a dick ... what's next? maybe a meteor will crash land on my cable box and i'll be forced to use an old wire-hanger to gain reception so i can watch tv.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

jeeps and babies ... oy.

so i woke up early today so i could be into work by 8 and hopefully be home at a reasonable hour. sounds like a good plan, eh? yeah, it would have been had my jeep started this morning. that's right, my jeep is a ginormous piece of shit and decided to break on me today.

my first attempt at starting 'christine' this morning resulted in nothing. it wouldn't even turn over. just sat there, laughing at me, still in the throes of whatever fantastic dream that jeeps dream. i got angry. i yelled at her. nothing. after taking several deep breaths i tried to sweet talk her into starting. she ignored me. i got angry. i yelled at her. nothing.

me: come on, you sweet little thing you.
jeep: ::silence::
me: just start, please.
jeep: ::silence::
me: start you piece of shit!
jeep: ::silence with a slight hint of mocking::

a few minutes of sitting in silence later, i tried again. this time i was greeted with a click-click-click-click-click-click! so, it's not the starter. i decided that i needed to clean the battery terminals.

i went upstairs and grabbed a diet coke from the fridge, a pair of pliers and a sponge. seeing as 'christine' likes diet coke, i emptied the can on the battery terminals (this is a trick to eat away at any buildup. the acid in coca-cola works wonders. it's also good at cleaning your windshield. bet you didn't know that one!) i used the pliers to loosen the bolts securing the thing-a-mabobs to the terminals and i cleaned them with the sponge as well as the terminals themselves. i reconnected everything and got back behind the wheel and tried again, urging her to turn over ... which she did, grudgingly, and with a grunt she went silent again. i screamed. neighbors stared.

i tried again, pumping the gas pedal this time and she finally caught. yay! she went silent again. no yay! i cursed ... and i flooded my engine. double sarcastic yay!

me: ugh, i hate you.

i went back upstairs and watched the rest of 'heroes' while giving my engine time to get un-flooded. by this time it's 8:45 ... 45 minutes later than i wanted to be at work and 15 minutes until my scheduled shift. irritation reigns inside my skull. after the show ended i went back outside to try again and lo and behold, she started. i let her run for about 5-10 minutes then turned her off, let her sit a minute, then started her up again. (i refuse to be trapped at a 7-11 trying to start my jeep again so i wanted to be sure she'd start right up).

i got to work at 9:30. bleh. by the way, the whole time i'm dealing with my jeep, it's pouring outside. god hates me. but at least i felt so butch! i even got grease on my hands! omg! i could totally take apart an engine block and put it back together right now! not promising it'll work afterward, but, you know ... minor details.

babies
so, anyway, this morning at work, shortly after i arrived, the 'good mother' comes in with her baby who is the cutest-thing-i-have-ever-seen-in-my-life-and-i-want-one-NOW! she's so adorable and she's healthy, which is a definite blessing. yay for babies! i got to hold her for a bit and was afraid i'd break her, but i did great and i hated to give her back, but i had to.

ok, well, back to the grind. thanks for letting me vent! and yay for babies!

Monday, November 12, 2007

headaches, correction tape and martinis ...

i totally meant to post on friday, but circumstances prevented me from doing so. i'm going to cover a few days in this post today, though nothing interesting, i assure you ... but when have my posts ever been interesting?

tuesday
so, tuesday night i started feeling a bit gurgly in my stomach region and i was using the restroom far more frequently than i am accustomed. toward the end of the night i was vomiting from both ends. it was very unpleasant. i finally fell asleep--at around 3:30 am--in a fetal position on my sofa watching tv.

wednesday
morning came and i woke up, my stomach lurching, and made a call into work to advise them of my impending absence. yay, now i had the day to lounge and get better. yeah ... my luck prevented that. i get a call a bit later from my boss. she needed me to come in because the one other person in the office that knows how to correctly operate the scanning machines was out. i reluctantly agreed to come in, but in a limited capacity. i arrived at work at 10:15 am and left by 1:30 pm, went home, fell out on the sofa, and tried to sleep.

thursday
the pain in my head was excruciating. i woke to the sound of blood rushing in my ears and my eyes clenched tightly to ward off the light from the television. i picked up my cell phone and through bleary eyes noted the time of 4:15 am. i called out of work. i didn't care. i wasn't going to answer the phone later if anyone called either. i promptly fell back asleep and woke much later with a glare to rival the sun bathing my living room in fire. i knew then that i must go and find drapery hooks to replace the blanket i currently had hanging across my sliding glass doors leading to the balcony--which left about a foot and a half gap at the bottom allowing the painful brilliance to come in uninvited.

i slowly got dressed and steeled myself to leave my apartment. sunglasses on, eyes squinted, i left, got into my jeep and drove to homo depot. once there i meandered my way to the point where i assumed drapery hooks might be. nada. i asked an employee for help and, still squinting behind my sunglasses that i was wearing indoors and cringing at the loudspeaker everytime some jackass put it into his mouth and gargled incoherently, i was given directions to the proper location. i bought the hooks, sped home and hurriedly hung my drapes--rather haphazardly, i might add. ah, cool darkness. yay. throughout the course of the day my headache eased a bit--partially due to the fact that i was eating tylenol like smarties, but i still had a sensitivity to light and sound. not fun. oh well. sleep finally claimed me and i had to work on friday.

friday
i woke up and my headache was almost gone. no longer did i have any sensitivity to light or sound, so in my world ... all was as it should be.

now, in a previous blog i wrote about how i was running tests on one of the scanning machines we use here at work (ties into the character recognition software we utilize). anyway, well, thursday i had to run more tests but to do so, i had to cover up the numbers assigned to each medical claim--that i had previously scanned--so that i can rescan them for the test. so, several hours and 4 boxes of correction tape later, i was ready to scan and everything went smoothly, so yay. apparently the virus scan we have on the server was conflicting with the scans and it was removed completely for this test. however, it cannot remain removed. so, thankfully i haven't had to be on any conference calls to inform the jerk-off of this finding. oh well.

saturday
steven and paul stopped by and picked up up to go out to dinner. we went to the cheesecake factory--which i love--where i devoured a serving of ahi tuna appetizer and a filet mignon. i saved the cheesecake for later. i enjoyed too 'well-mannered dirty martinis' with four olives, please. yum. i love martinis.

after dinner we went back to my place and watched '1408' which i have to say was actually a decent movie, though i didn't care for the ending. steven and paul had left about halfway through the movie. i had fallen asleep and i was woken up by my phone ringing. i answered it.

me: hello? ::slurry, groggy voice::
steven: geoffrey! ::chipper, giggly voice::
me: hey boy.
steven: hey! i left my phone at your place!
me: ::looking around to find his phone and not seeing it:: you did? i don't see it.
steven: you're using it.
me: ::pulling phone away from my face and looking at it ... realizing steven was right:: oh! oh, ok. weird. ok, i'll bring it to you tomorrow. hafta visit my dad anyway.
steven: ok, thanks bud!

sunday
i drove to odenton, dropped off steven's phone, hung out for a bit, talked to mrs.twink on the phone for a few minutes, made dinner plans with them for this thursday, and then drove to my father's house, hung out for a while, played with hachiko, then finally went home and relaxed. sorry i missed your ladies clothing exchange, mrs.twink! next time, i promise! <3 you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

strutting naked thru my apartment ...

this past weekend i finally moved into my new apartment in dundalk and i have to say, i love it. even the area isn't so bad (my apologies go out to the guy who left me a comment about the beauty of dundalk ... i forget who you are and i'm too lazy to go searching through comments at the moment. be happy i mentioned you again.)

so, i am going to start off this blog by first thanking everyone who helped me out on saturday. first and foremost, i want to thank my father--even though he doesn't read this blog, it's the sentiment that counts. secondly, i want to thank jamie who, by the time i called saturday morning a bit after 9:30 a.m., was already almost to my old place to help us load up the truck. you truly are a great friend, jamie, and i love you. i also want to thank steven and paul--without whom my television set would still be in the back of the u-haul--for their help with the loaded and unloading of the truck. even though steven sat on his ass more often than not, i love him too much to be irritated by that fact. lol. and finally, thank you to terri who also helped to unload the truck and was the unofficial truck security officer, making sure that no one came off the street and genked one of my boxes. she was also the resident OCD interior decorator:

terri: i like the bed there and the bookshelves there.

::we move the bed and the bookshelves in place and step back to examine our handiwork ... somewhere else in the apartment, steven cackles::

my father: do you want your bed against the wall to their bedroom? ::refers to eric and his boyfriend keith, my neighbors::
terri: ooh, good idea. you don't want your bed against that wall. move the bed there. ::points to the wall that is currently occupied by the bookshelves:: then move the bookshelves over there. ::points to wall currently occupied by the bed::

::we begin moving furniture and this new setup makes the room appear much smaller::

me: i think i like the bed back on that wall, actually.
terri: oh, i wouldn't. you guys share a wall.
me: yeah, let's move stuff back.
terri: are you sure you want your bed there? i think it would be better on that wall. ::points to the wall that previously housed the bookshelves and now was currently in the process of re-housing the bookshelves::
me: ::ignores terri and moves bed back::

i love you, terri! :)

so, that first night at my new place i got my bathroom all set up and i couldn't wait to take a shower. i felt so gross. dust from the boxes and stuff, sweat from moving, and just that overall feeling of exhaustion from the stress leading up to my move and the big day itself. next i got my bed set up so i had a place to lay my head and that was pretty much it the first night. the next morning i woke up and started unpacking more. i hooked up my shower head and worked on the kitchen a bit, finding boxes of dishes and unloaded them into the cabinets. i didn't get a chance to wash them yet as i didn't have any dish soap, a sponge or a drying rack at all yet, so ... bleh. i waited around all day for the cable guy who was to show up between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. he ended up showing up a bit after 3. i told you!! so, i have cable ... i hooked up my wireless router--all by myself, i might add! damn i'm good!--to the internet and now i am all connected in my place. my pc is in the bedroom, laptop in the living room .... my own little network. yay.

that night i discovered that my DVR wasn't working correctly. called comcast and spoke to two different people and they sucked and did nothing for me except make me jump through hoops and not get anything resolved. it still wasn't working on monday morning and after work i called comcast again, ready to deal with another idiot. instead, i was blessed with heather ... the uber-comcast princess. she fixed my DVR within minutes! she rocks. she gave me her extension so if i need help again in the fiture i can get a hold of her directly. yay!

so, i went grocery shopping saturday night after the comcast guy left and bought a bunch of shit for my place. it was fun, but i'd forgotten how expensive the first shopping trip is. oy! i spent $250.00 and it barely looks like i went shopping. i'm telling you.

i will be having a house-warming party at some point in the future, but right now i am too preoccupied with getting everything in order. i still have a few housewares i need for my place: hand towels (ones that actually dry. i swear the ones i have now are scotch-guarded. water beads up on them and only smears the water around ont he surface of what i am trying to dry. yeah, not very effective), a dish rack, drapes for the living room, silverware (using ancient crap atm, but it works), a trashcan, and ironing board, etc .. the basic shit. i'll probably grab that stuff this weekend if i go out shopping. i don't have time during the week, really, and tonight i'm off to my old place to clean and pick up a few items i neglected to pack or grab before i left. wheeee!

so, all in all i love my new place. it's nice to have my own space and have the privacy i need (aside from the big gaping window in the living room where everyone can see my strutting naked thru my apartment). soon i will have it set up to some semblance of order and then i'll start having people over.

mrs.twink, expect to eat dinner around the coffee table if you come over for dinner anytime soon. i have yet to find a dining room table but i am going out with my father on the 17th, i think, to BJs and whatnot and he suggested going to a furniture store to pick up a dining room table and a pantry, so we'll see. :) and once all the boxes are put away, i'll be painting! yay!

thank you again to all those who helped and thanks also to all those to wanted to help but were unable. the thought is appreciated.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

loooong work week ... and today is a special day for me.

thursday ... that means it's almost friday. i'm so excited!

work has kinda been a drag this week. i've been shuffled around from department to department, donning new hats whenever they were handed to me. i don't mind, though, as it shows my versatility in the workplace and if i make myself more useful, the likelihood of my going permanent is more and more guaranteed.

so, i had a conference call on monday (my first with this company) and it was rather annoying. one of the software engineers on the call was an arrogant prick who claimed his software could do no wrong. we've had issues for a while now with one of our scanners in the office and we've got most of the problems resolved, however, there's a lingering ... "lag" issue (best way to describe it) when trying to get medical claims to go from the scanner to a couple of our many queues. the software engineer swears up and down that it's a hardware issue, but throughout the week i've been running tests on this machine and have all but confirmed it's not a hardware issue. it's either a software issue or a problem on the server side, which is located in colorado. anyway, so i did my little excel wizardry and created another spreadsheet (i did one earlier in the week) showing the various times it takes for the claims to be scanned and shuffled to the correct area. i got kudos from my boss for that, as the person before me used to hand write everything and hand it in to her. um, no thanks. so, today i have another conference call with the same people and the same arrogant prick so we'll see what he has to say today.

new lease on life
well, as the title of this post states, today is a rather special day for me. you see, i leave work at 1 o'clock today and i go to view my apartment, sign my lease and get my keys. i can't even begin to describe the mix of emotions i have right now. i'm excited as hell ... it's been about 10 years since i've lived without roommates. i'm also nervous as hell ... it's been about 10 years since i've lived without roommates. i'm stressed ... i hate packing and i'm still doing it. i tend to get lazy wen doing something that i hate. so now, i'm at the point where i am just throwing anything in a box and labelling it 'miscellaneous'. this is definitely a great thing for me and i'm very happy and can't wait. i can finally walk around my place nude as the day i was born ... shades drawn and mirrors covered, of course.

so, saturday morning is the big move. my father, jamie and steven are helping me load up my u-haul and unload it at my new place, so i am very thankful for that. thank you, also, to the other wonderful people who have offered to help or have shown regret at not being able to. i very much appreciate the offers and you can make it up to me by buying me something great for my new place ... like a dining room table. (just kidding ... or am i?) so, this weekend, obviously, is going to be pretty busy, what with the move and then the subsequent unpacking. comcast is supposed to arrive at the apartment on sunday between 10 and 1 which means they'll be there around 4, i'm sure. don't worry, people ... i will be having a dinner party or something at some point soon.

i'm also kind of sad as friday is my last day going to the same dunkin' donuts i've been going to for a long time. i know, i know ... i bitch a lot about bad coffee and lesions and whatnot, but selene, my coffee wife--as she dubbed herself--gave me a huge hug today and told me she's going to miss me. she's been comping my coffee all week and i will honestly miss seeing her. she was always smiling and having a good time. this one goes out to you, selene ...

::pours some coffee out on the ground::

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

i want to be a part of it ... new york, new york!

hello there, my loyal fans and fannesses ... i have missed you. did you miss me? i knew you did.

this past weekend, jamie and i traveled up to NYC (brooklyn) to visit my brother and attend a halloween shindig he was planning. all day friday i was dreading the amount of work i was going to have and planning on getting out of work late. usually i get out of work very late on mondays and fridays and so, all day i was praying to the all-powerful workload gods that they would be lenient. apparently my prayers only got halfway through. i looked at my workload and sighed ... i got about 50% more work than i usually get during the week, which is bad. however, upon closer examination i only got about 50% of the work i normally get on fridays, so while i was busy ... i wasn't busy. i managed to leave work a little after 7 p.m., i think, i don't remember, and i went straightaway to jamie's house. i would have been there sooner, but i got lost. i know, i know ... i've been to jamie's house countless times but i had never travelled there immediately after work so i got confused ... it's not very difficult to confuse me.

i meet up with jamie, we shoot the shit for a little bit and then load the car and then depart. bitching betty was all set up, her volume loud enough to be heard over the ipod (80's and 'they might be giants' the whole way). we stopped in deleware at a rest stop overpopulated by truckers, old tourists, thuggy people who pick up old receipts off of urinals to read them as they pee (it happened right next to me. eww. why would you even touch something left on a urinal?) and a troop or two of boyscouts. (shut up, jamie!) see if i ever crack jokes again. apparently i can't even glance at someone w/o jamie thinking i'm a peder. no thank you. so, we picked up a bite to eat at sbarro's (spinach & broccoli pizza pie pocket thingie) and a garlic stick. i also had a piece of the pepperoni and italian sausage pizza. we eat and then resume our trip. we ended up getting up to brooklyn close to 11 pm. we chilled out with my brother, amanda and brian (their roommate). we had a few beers, talked and then called it a night.

author's note: i know that i am repeating a lot of what jamie said.

the next morning we got up and started preparing for the party. i'll summarize:

>> buying groceries
>> pumpkin carving (have pictures)
>> toasting pumpkin seeds
>> buying alcohol
>> picking up leaves (jamie and i)
>> decorating
>> ironing my costume
>> having a couple celebratory beers

as jamie stated in his blog, he wasn't feeling well so i made him walk with me to the store to get some ice and so he could get some fresh air.

after 8 pm the guests begin to arrive. i'm decked out in my nun costume, jamie with his dick in a box, my brother as a brokeback cowboy or woody from toy story ... whatever, and amanda as a mermaid. at first we thought one of the girls was dressed as tootsie from the movie, can you guess it? ... tootsie. apparently, that's her normal garb. wow, new yorkers dress horribly. more on this in a bit*.

so, long story short, all of the guests arrive (whereas only like 1 other person dressed up if you don't count my brother's stalker who is trying very hard to go for that 'single white female' schtick and be, look and act just like him), which ended up being more of brian's friends than my brother's or amanda's. the pumpkin seeds we baked that afternoon (with lots of salt and garlci powder) were a big hit and were cleaned out in fairly short order. we drank, had a great time, and jamie's costume was a big hit until it broke off. his poor, poor dick in a box.

the next morning, jamie, my brother, amanda and i went to teddy's for brunch where i downed 3 bloody marys to recoup from the previous night of drinking while jamie, in his snobbish sort of way, drank mimosas. we ate, went back to the apartment, hung out for a bit, then jamie and i had to leave. we bid them farewell and got on the road. took us about 5 hours due to quite a bit of traffic on the jersey turnpike and at one point, i ended up falling asleep while jamie drove and jammed to bjork.

all in all it was a great weekend and i had a lot of fun and cannot wait to go up there again! it was great to see my brother and meet amanda and i miss them already. i love my brother to death and can't wait to see him again. also, this was jamie's and my first road trip together, we realized, but i hope it was only the first of many. he's a great road trip partner!

*NOTE: new yorkers wear the tightest, thinnest jeans imaginable. it's like baggy pants are sooooo last year. ick.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

triumphant return

it's been some time since i've blogged and i apologize for my absence. i've been working many, many long hours at work and, being that i usually blog at work, i haven't been at my desk for most of those days and when i am, it's a fleeting visit.

lesions and coffee ...
ok, today i'm going to start off with a rant about one of my favorite things to rant about .... dunkin' donuts. man, i'm telling you ... i'm not even a huge fan of their coffee, but it's close and convenient for me when i am on my way to work. i'd be happier if there was a starbuck's or a caribou coffee, however, there isn't. anyway ...

so, today i go in and order my usual. the woman behind the counter taking my order is a person that i've seen maybe one other time in there and she never waited on me and i thought she was only a baker or something. apparently not. she asks if she can help me and my eyes wander to the large lesion blossoming on her left temple ... it looks bloody and i think i detect oozing ... not a pretty image as i order my coffee. she's disheveled and her hair is in disarray and images of the green-faced witch from the bugs bunny cartoons (you know the one where she leaves hairpins spinning in the air as she dashes off after bugs bunny while cackling witchily--is that even a word?). so, i order my coffee and she rings me up and then a guy behind her goes, "oh, we don't have lids so we can give it to you without a lid if you want." um ... what? in hindsight i should have said yes, then spilled it on me and burnt the hell out of my legs and then sued ... yeah, it says "CAUTION: HOT COFFEE" on the cup, but that's assuming that a lid accompanies the cup, yes? anyway, so i get an iced coffee instead. seriously tho? what fucking coffee place doesn't have lids? i mean, that's akin to walking in there and ordering a coffee and them saying, "oh, well, we don't have cups. i can pour it in your hands if you'd like." it's so frustrating. hot coffee is what gets my blood flowing in the morning. fucking dunkin' donuts.

marlboro baby ...
so ... the good mother had her baby, finally ... randy joe is his name ... wait, what? it's a girl, you say? a girl named randy joe? are you fucking kidding me? randy joe? randy joe? randy fucking joe? where the fuck are you from? come to find out, it's actually miranda jo (which, in my opinion, is just as white-trash as 'bobbi sue'). now, on the serious side ... miranda jo was born 4lbs and change ... the poor thing. she's currently in an incubator and it pisses me off that this poor child already has been dealt a shitty hand from the beginning. the good mother is evil.

now, previous to her giving birth to miranda, she was diagnosed with eclampsia, which is a complication of pregnancy involving high blood-pressure which is extremely dangerous for the baby. well, don'tcha know that the good mother signs herself out of the hospital A.M.A. (against medical advice) because they won't let her go down for cigarettes. are you kidding me?? jesus christ!! so, she gets admitted to the hospital again and she tells one of my co-workers that she's being held hostage by the doctors and nurses. they won't let her do anything and they don't know what they are talking about. man ... this woman gets fucking bonkers without her nicotine, doesn't she? anyway, they induced labor, i guess because of complications, and now poor little baby is incubating and i seriously hope that everything goes well for her. as for her mother ... she's going to hell.

move-in date ...
so, i finally got my move-in date for my new apartment in dundalk. i go and sign the lease on the 1st and get my keys and i actually move-in on the 3rd, which is that weekend. i've already contacted BGE and got the ball rolling with them and i've contacted comcast regarding cable and internet, but damn, that shit's expensive so i'm debating on whether i can do without a DVR for a while ... i mean ... it's only $11.00 more a month and it's damn useful and, well .. fuck it, i'm getting it ... so ... i guess i'll call and set up a time for them to come out on the 3rd in the later afternoon to get my shit setup. i can't see the actual moving process taking a long time, though i could be greatly under-estimating the quantity of my shit.

i'm so excited! i can't wait to move in. apparently i share the back wall of the apartment with eric and keith, two of my friends, so that'll be very cool. i know jamie is helping me move and i think steven said he would help as well, but i hafta give him a call. if anyone else wants to help ::cough cough:: mrstwink, theresa ::cough cough:: then let me know. i jest. i think we'll actually have enough people helping assuming steven comes, what with myself, my father, jamie and steven. but don't worry, kiddies ... i'll be having a little housewarming get-together soon. i'm registered at best buy. if you all want to go in together on the 56-inch widescreen tv, that's cool ... i know that even tho i only get one gift from you people, i'll know it's a gift fraught with love.

oh, one other thing i forgot to mention. i just found this funny. i was talking to connie, the apartment manager, about getting the phone numbers for BGE and comcast in that area and as the call was concluding, i told her to have a great day. her response ... "you too, babe." i bet she's cool as shit ... until my toilet breaks ... bitch.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

afterparty? more like after-blah-y.

i can't believe i neglected to relay the most tragic part of this weekend ... the afterparty.

ok, so we leave the club ... i can hardly walk ... standing upright is proving to be difficult ... i'm really ready to go home and go to bed ... yeah ... not quite.

i get informed that we are going to an afterparty at some guy named ron's house. my hopes and dreams dissolve before my eyes ... home was going to be a very long time away ... i could feel it. so, we walk to this guy's house and no one exactly knows where this apartment is and we get to the 6th floor and find what we think is the apartment and everyone is afraid to knock. david is standing in front of the door, so me, being the ass that i am, knock real loud and then run away, leaving david standing there in a state of bewilderment as the door is opened. turns out we had the right place.

they invite us in and the apartment is actually kinda cool, except the pieces of woodchips laying everywhere ... which was from the beautiful puppy they were babysitting. this dog was adorable and very friendly and became my buddy.

ok, let me set the scene ... baltimore apartment ... low lighting ... bachelor furniture ... a dining room table with an enormous, gaudy bouquet of flowers in the center ... a sideboard where the alcohol was ... and that's all i remember about the appearance. oh yeah, and woodchips everywhere. i'll get to that.

ron: ::with a thick slavic accent:: hello. would you like a tour? this is the food. this is the alcohol. please be making a drink.

i look at the drink selections and am amazed by the plethora of alcohol. peach absolut and skyy. that's it. as for mixers? the cranberry juice container is empty ... i ask if he has more.

me: do you have any more cranberry juice? ::i've already filled my plastic cup with a fair amount of peach vodka::
ron: i will check. ::moments later:: i have iced tea.
me: ::shrugs:: ok.

so, i make an icepick with the peach vodka and iced tea and, tho it might be because i was fairly trashed, it tasted ok. of course, now that i am drinking again, i'm getting a bit peckish and i turn my attention to the food. there's a large platter on the dining room table which contained cheese and pepperoni ... 5 pieces of cheese and 2 slices of pepperoni, to be exact. they went all out. we got the leftovers ... both food and drinks. hot!

this other guy from england, tho i can't think of his name, pulls out his travel dj booth and sets up and begins to dj the party which, at this time, included: myself, jamie, tom, david, bob, brie and some other people and the hosts. i'd say about 10 people total. i found this really funny as he had his headphones on, one side off so he could hear the party, and he was spinning like a pro ... it just seemed so out of place.

long story short, i played with the dog most of the party (who was chewing on a branch and leaving woodchips lying all over the apartment. have i mentioned the woodchips yet?), hung out the window with carter and smoked and made fun of the party before we got kicked out at 4 a.m. we had a 1 1/2 hour afterparty. rock on!

after that, jamie, tom and i went to papermoon and had breakfast/dinner/whatever. it was yummy. i got a bleu cheese burger ... zomg, it was amazing. or i was drunk. whatever.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

deliveries go in the rear, thank you.

so, i know it's been a while since i've blogged but i really do have a valid reason ... seeing as i generally only blog from work, i've not been able to lately due to the fact that i have been in a different department and have not had access to my desk or computer for much of last week. i've taken over the position held by 'the good mother' ... at work, not at home. i've seen her boyfriend ... he scares me ... in the dueling banjo's sort of 'scares me.'

so ... a little bit of a recap of the past week:

'the good mother' was out on bed rest then was admitted to the hospital with toxemia. so, on tuesday morning, when she called out because she was getting blood work done, i was shoved into her position (no, not flat on my back) and basically had to do her job with the very limited training that i had received thus far. i managed to hold it together enough to do the job and the following day she was again absent and i had a much easier day of it, again being shunted into her position. i worked in the department for the rest of the week and was told that i did an amazing job seeing as i had only about an hour of training and i quote, "you did better than [the good mother] after 4 days than she does after 5 years." yay me!

call brown
ok, the ups guy who comes to our building is so deadly fine. he's got this brilliant smile and dark hair with light eyes and the only fault i've found in him are his thin legs or chicken legs. other than that, the guy is gorgeous. ok, so, with this new position i had to sign for a package on thursday. i start to sign and made some comment about it not looking like my signature:

me: that doesn't even look like my name.
ups guy: what's your name?
me: geoff.
ups guy: ::looks at signature and then says in a sultry voice with a smirk:: you just need some practice.

i laughed and he climbed into his truck and drove away. i do believe that he flirted with me, tho it wasn't what he said, it was how he said it ... all husky and sultry ... hmm. he could have said "doo-doo rag" like that and i would have been all over him. anyway, so the next day i was outside and i see the ups guys pull up so i walk over to sign for the package again. this time he's got quite a bundle and as he steps down from his truck he says:

ups guy: ::again in a sultry tone:: hey, i've got a big load for you today.

now that was a blatant flirt ... i don't think there's any mistaking it.

the british are coming ... the british are coming!
so, i finally went out this weekend for the first time in months ... like 3 or 4 months, not 100% sure. it's been a long time. anyway ... i had a blast. of course, i got completely shit faced and luckily i didn't make out with anyone or make a fool of myself aside form barrelling my way through a crowd of people to get to the bathroom before i puked everywhere. it was fun.

andy, my friend from england, just got in friday night and it was positively wonderful to see him again. i absolutely adore him and it's always great to hang out with him. he's an amazing guy and for some reason, the moment we met, we just clicked. i'm so glad he's here. he's supposed to be moving to the states soon, though there's no definitely time frame set yet and he thinks he may end up being in NY, which isn't as close as i'd like, but a helluva lot closer than england, so ... all will be good. :)

i also got to see erin and hot 'straight' james on friday night. boy is he ever delicious. mmm. i haven't seen them in a very long time ... i think since the night that terri, david and i picked them up alongside the road when the cab they were in sped off when james had him stop so he could be sick outside. all i remember from that night is comforting this guy as he puked in a gas station garbage can amidst a large crowd of thugs in a fairly not so great part of baltimore ... i feared for my life that night ... i really did. especially when one of the guys goes ... "are you fags?" i snapped at him and swished my hips and settled a cold stare on his face ... "no," i said.

so ... saturday i didn't do shit but huddle on jamie's sofa all day and watch tv with him. that's it. i didn't leave his house until around 7:30 that night because i was hungover and movement hurt. i'm better now.

ok, i think that's it for now. i can't think of anything else to blog about. if i think of anything i'll be back. until then.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

news flash!!

this just in ... the good mother has upgraded!!

marlboro lights are no more ... she's moved on to cowboy killers! that's right, ladies and gentlemen ... she and her fetus are now enjoying the full flavor of marlboro reds.

when she moves on to crack, i will be sure to let you know.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

ramblings ...

this is going to be a short post as:

a) i have nothing really to blog about.
b) i'm tired.

i will start off by saying that apparently i ruffled some feathers (to steal your term, mrs.twink) about my comments regarding dundalk, however, this is my blog and i can say what i damn well want to, prejudices or not and all i've ever heard about dundalk are the 'white trash' references or i see the eye rolls when i mention the town. there's lots of places in maryland that are white trash, i just chose to post about dundalk because i am moving there. perhaps i'll make a weekly segment of white trash areas in and around baltimore. next week: pasadena! (jk jamie)

so, a reader left some comments and i've yet to check out the poster's website with pictures of the "beauty of dundalk," so as of yet i have no idea what he is referring to as the only "beauty of dundalk" i've seen so far was the woman with the wild hair carrying a garbage bag across the street, her knitted booties slipping off her feet as she meandered in front of me. she was beautiful. especially her hair that had yellowed from years of cigarette smoke.

i make no apologies for what i say here except that i'm sorry people seem to not take my opinion as just that ... my opinion.

moving on ...

6 of the 7 contractors here at work are being let go ... i, thankfully, am not one of them. i did call my contracting agency to see if they had heard anything to this effect and i was informed that the only time my company has contacted them for any reason was to start the process to being me on permanently. yay. so, yet again i get some more evidence of my company acquiring my exceptional talents permanently, however, this does little good until it actually happens.

i found out a couple of the permanent employees who received the email about temp employees being let go and that mandatory overtime was going to be enacted, emailed my boss with: "please tell me geoff isn't included in the ones getting let go." aww, that makes my heart get all fuzzy and warm ... or that's arrhythmia, not sure. but, yay, i'm liked. unless i talk about dundalk.

ending ...

ok, so, i'm done blogging today. i'm exhausted. i started my new schedule at work yesterday and didn't actually get out of here until almost 9 p.m. last night. it was a long, long day filled with lots and lots of work. ugh.