it's been a while since i have posted and i apologize to all of my loyal fans ... both of you rock! i've been real busy with work and my real life issues. so, i'm sorry.
this blog is going to be broken up in a few segments and will, most likely, be a long one so i apologize for the length.
what's that in my rear view ... mirror?
ok, earlier in the week, i think it was monday, i was coming home from work and had just gotten off 195 onto 170 and i checked my rear view mirror to see, obviously, what was behind me. now, i've been told i have amazing eyes but today my stare must have been especially intense and i think i scared my rear view mirror because as i was looking into it, it fell off my windshield. yup, looks like the glue finally gave out. the "permanent" glue that has only been on there for like 2 years finally gave in. i only hope i don't look at people as intensely as i must have been looking into my mirror ... i'd hate for one of my friends to just shatter into a thousand pieces. that would make me sad.
my mullet is my co-pilot ...
i decided that i should probably go out and get a rear view mirror repair kit, so that's what i did. on the way home as i was driving down the main road leading to my street, the two lanes merge to one and there was a car in the right lane that was going to have to merge left. i was feeling generous today so i let them in and i got a wave, which seems to be uncommon. usually when i let people in, they think they've snuck in or "beat me" and managed to get in front of me whereas in reality, i'm braking to let them in front of me because that's what gentlemen do and i, my good sirs and madams, am a gentleman.
anyway, so i let this person in and i notice that they have the most beautiful mullet i have ever seen on a person. it glistens in the dappled sunlight through the trees and flows ever so perfectly on the buffets of wind coming in through their window. it seems to be lightly curled in the back and then relaxed to give it that "it's a natural curl," look. i. am. in. awe.
it doesn't stop there, folks. i notice that this person is awfully beefy looking, from what i can tell being positioned behind them, but they are moving around a lot in their car and i can't help but notice that they seem to be full of muscle. ladies and gentlemen ... i think i found myself behind tony little. (omg, please check out that link ... make sure your volume isn't too loud. i about died laughing!)
look at me when i talk to you .... i said look at me .... hello? over here ... look at me, please ...
ok, so the other day at work, a woman i work with who also happens to be a lesbian (not daisy dyke) tells me she wants to go outside with me the next time i go out. ok, whatever. so, when i take my break i go and grab her.
senora dyke: oh, man, geoff ... i had a great time this weekend. hung out with some friends and met this new guy. he was really sweet.
me: ::knows where this is going:: oh ya? very cool.
senora dyke: yeah, he's really sweet and funny and i thought, "you know ... i bet geoff would like him."
me: ::wins the bet i had with myself on whether it would lead to this:: oh? is he cute? (always the first question gays ask, right?)
senora dyke: he is. he's got some latin in him and he's very nice.
me: ::notices she's stressing the 'very nice' portion:: ya? what's he look like?
senora dyke: black hair and, well, he's cute. ::she laughs::
me: ::i'm so done with this conversation:: oh, well, cool.
senora dyke: oh, and he's blind. he's got a seeing eye dog and everything.
me: ::almost chokes:: he's blind? gee, what are you trying to tell me, [name]?
senora dyke: oh, stop. you know i think you're adorable.
me: so adorable you try and hook me up with a blind guy? am i quasimodo? does my hump show? ::stops with the jokes at the look on her face::
senora dyke: he's a really nice guy.
ok ... i'm a bit of an asshole when it comes to disabilities with potential dates. i stopped seeing one guy because i thought he was partially retarded. no lie. i'm horrible, i know, but i'm sorry. it's who i am. i'll be your friend, but i won't date you.
i did date a young kid when i was living in d.c.--before i moved to massachusetts--who was deaf. he was either going to or finished with gallaudet. he was a great kid and we 'broke up,' if you will, because of issues, not which one of them was being deaf, btw.
now, being blind is a bit different and i could totally go out on a date with a blind person--secretly i'd be petting his dog!--as long as he didn't have those weird eyes. i've seen some blind guys with beautiful crystal blue eyes and they look normal, they're just broken. but then there are some blind guys with facial deformity or the 'cloudy' eyes ... i'm sorry, but i won't be able to get past that. i'm a shallow, heartless person. so, if this guy has normal features and normal looking eyes, sure ... i'll go on a date with him.
i'l will keep you updated if anything happens with this. might be kinda fun dating someone who can't see. i can pick my nose ... scratch my balls ... fart, then run away and blame it on his dog. oh, the fun times to be had.
moving on up ... to the dundalk side .... to a deluxe 3rd floor apartment in the skyyyyyy ....
so i talked with the leasing agent for this apartment in dundalk that i've been eyeing up and apparently i wrote down the wrong amount of money on the income section of the application and she was going to deny me because i didn't gross enough income for their standards. i was pretty bummed.
so hung up the phone with her and looked at my pay stub and was like, "wait, wtf," and i called her right back.
me: hi, connie, it's me again. you said gross, right?
connie: yeah.
me: ::puts on idiot face:: i wrote down my net-monthly instead of gross-monthly, i think.
connie: oh?
me: yeah, i'm sorry. i gross [amount] per week.
connie: oh, god, you're fine then. your credit's great, you make enough money. no problems.
so, yay. the apartment opens up in october so hopefully i'll be moving in! yay!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
my timing couldn't be more perfect
immediately after posting my last blog i went outside and a few seconds later, the good mother came outside to have a cigarette. some of you may have already heard me talk about the good mother, but in case you haven't, here's a recap.
the good mother does what every good mother does ... she prepares her unborn baby for the trials and tribulations of the world, not to mention it's addictions. the good mother has decided that she would start her child early on caffeine and nicotine and thus, drinks coffee every morning and smokes cigarettes throughout the day. i find this completely appalling.
however ... this is the image i saw waddling toward me and i just had to snap a picture of it.
'precious cargo' indeed. please note the pack of cigarettes in her right hand and the one smoldering away ready to be inhaled.
the good mother does what every good mother does ... she prepares her unborn baby for the trials and tribulations of the world, not to mention it's addictions. the good mother has decided that she would start her child early on caffeine and nicotine and thus, drinks coffee every morning and smokes cigarettes throughout the day. i find this completely appalling.
however ... this is the image i saw waddling toward me and i just had to snap a picture of it.
'precious cargo' indeed. please note the pack of cigarettes in her right hand and the one smoldering away ready to be inhaled. can anyone be more hypocritical?
::yawn::
wow ... i can't believe that it has been over a week since i last posted. i've been really busy at work (which is where i do most of my postings) and thus haven't been able to write anything noteworthy. i've managed a comment or two here and there and the occasional email, but that's about it.
this past week has been fairly uneventful and yet another reason i haven't posted anything. can you believe that nothing funny or exciting has happened to me all week? i think the world's ending! i know i have a tidbit or two for you tho ... lemme see.
1. i've put in for an application for an apartment in dundalk in the same complex that my friend eric lives in. dundalk ......... say it with me ........ dunnnnnnnnn daaaaaaaaaaaaaalk. meh, desperate times call for desperate measures.
2. they called me later in the week requesting further information ... i've yet to hear back from them. i hope in this case, 'no news is good news'. meh.
3. today i just got asked if i'd like to learn how to work on a different project within my company which, ultimately, could spell: "p-e-r-m-a-n-e-n-t e-m-p-l-o-y-e-e." i said yes and informed her that i was interested in learning all aspects within the company. believe it or not, i do know how to schmooz. i begin training next monday.
4. my jeep leaked a bit on me on the way to work today and it ran down my leg and looked like i pissed myself. ::not thrilled::
5. i've finished reading the second harry potter book again. on to #3. i'm catching quite a bit re-reading them like this and, since i love the story anyway, it's enjoyable all over again.
6. i adore mrs.twink. we were discussing offensive words and how she knows i would never do anything to offend her and she said that she would be afraid for the day that i actually did try to offend her. i asked why. apparently i'm clever and witty and catty and have a knack at saying hurtful things to people. i take that as a compliment. my friends have nothing to fear ... all others, beware.
my god this is a boring blog post. i just read it and i am thoroughly disgusted with my lack of wit and humor. oh well, too late now. i typed it all and i'm not letting that sneaky-avoid-the-boss'-eye-while-blogging subterfuge go to waste.
this past week has been fairly uneventful and yet another reason i haven't posted anything. can you believe that nothing funny or exciting has happened to me all week? i think the world's ending! i know i have a tidbit or two for you tho ... lemme see.
1. i've put in for an application for an apartment in dundalk in the same complex that my friend eric lives in. dundalk ......... say it with me ........ dunnnnnnnnn daaaaaaaaaaaaaalk. meh, desperate times call for desperate measures.
2. they called me later in the week requesting further information ... i've yet to hear back from them. i hope in this case, 'no news is good news'. meh.
3. today i just got asked if i'd like to learn how to work on a different project within my company which, ultimately, could spell: "p-e-r-m-a-n-e-n-t e-m-p-l-o-y-e-e." i said yes and informed her that i was interested in learning all aspects within the company. believe it or not, i do know how to schmooz. i begin training next monday.
4. my jeep leaked a bit on me on the way to work today and it ran down my leg and looked like i pissed myself. ::not thrilled::
5. i've finished reading the second harry potter book again. on to #3. i'm catching quite a bit re-reading them like this and, since i love the story anyway, it's enjoyable all over again.
6. i adore mrs.twink. we were discussing offensive words and how she knows i would never do anything to offend her and she said that she would be afraid for the day that i actually did try to offend her. i asked why. apparently i'm clever and witty and catty and have a knack at saying hurtful things to people. i take that as a compliment. my friends have nothing to fear ... all others, beware.
my god this is a boring blog post. i just read it and i am thoroughly disgusted with my lack of wit and humor. oh well, too late now. i typed it all and i'm not letting that sneaky-avoid-the-boss'-eye-while-blogging subterfuge go to waste.
Monday, August 13, 2007
men are pigs ...
quick recap:
this weekend was fairly uneventful save for a birthday party we had on saturday for bob (and later i found out, matt). like all good gay events, this party had a theme to it and this party's theme was "gay prom" or "80's prom" however you wanted to look at it. all the decorating was done in shades of the rainbow (thus gay) and we had several ipods there with 80's playlists. i had a great time and terri and jamie did a fantastic job decorating (utilizing some of the decorations that terri and i had put up previously for jamie's party). i didn't drink a whole lot and thus was able to drive home, leaving the party a little after midnight.
ok, now to the subject of this blog ... men are pigs ...
this afternoon in the men's room i stepped up to the urinal to 'make water' and what do my wandering eyes behold? a nice juicy booger on the wall. i mean, seriously? most of the men can probably relate to seeing this sort of thing in a public restroom and, though technically the bathrooms here at work are considered public, one might expect a slightly higher decorum when in a professional location. yeah, not so much. i was thoroughly disgusted by this find and i stepped away from the urinal with a feeling in my stomach that i can't describe. i mean, this thing was mere inches from my face. that is certainly not something i want any part of my body near, in the restroom or otherwise. ugh. yeah, we all get boogers, but there's this new invention out called a tissue. please use it.
as i began washing my hands i happened to glance up and what did i spy? another juicy boogey clinging to the wall for dear life above the mirror. now, the mirror is approximately 2 feet higher in height than the top of my head so that one took some skill to get it up there and to stick with superfluous dexterity.
i work in an environment of retards, idiots and now, pigs with professional booger flinging ability.
::joy::
someone rescue me.
i'm half tempted to take a snapshot with my phone so you all can share in the bounty of crusty nasal discharge.
this weekend was fairly uneventful save for a birthday party we had on saturday for bob (and later i found out, matt). like all good gay events, this party had a theme to it and this party's theme was "gay prom" or "80's prom" however you wanted to look at it. all the decorating was done in shades of the rainbow (thus gay) and we had several ipods there with 80's playlists. i had a great time and terri and jamie did a fantastic job decorating (utilizing some of the decorations that terri and i had put up previously for jamie's party). i didn't drink a whole lot and thus was able to drive home, leaving the party a little after midnight.
ok, now to the subject of this blog ... men are pigs ...
this afternoon in the men's room i stepped up to the urinal to 'make water' and what do my wandering eyes behold? a nice juicy booger on the wall. i mean, seriously? most of the men can probably relate to seeing this sort of thing in a public restroom and, though technically the bathrooms here at work are considered public, one might expect a slightly higher decorum when in a professional location. yeah, not so much. i was thoroughly disgusted by this find and i stepped away from the urinal with a feeling in my stomach that i can't describe. i mean, this thing was mere inches from my face. that is certainly not something i want any part of my body near, in the restroom or otherwise. ugh. yeah, we all get boogers, but there's this new invention out called a tissue. please use it.
as i began washing my hands i happened to glance up and what did i spy? another juicy boogey clinging to the wall for dear life above the mirror. now, the mirror is approximately 2 feet higher in height than the top of my head so that one took some skill to get it up there and to stick with superfluous dexterity.
i work in an environment of retards, idiots and now, pigs with professional booger flinging ability.
::joy::
someone rescue me.
i'm half tempted to take a snapshot with my phone so you all can share in the bounty of crusty nasal discharge.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
last night we went greek ... again!
last night was an unofficial blogger convention and included 3 bloggers and 2 non-bloggers ... they were pretty much shunned for the entire evening. poseurs!
the plan was to meet at mr. and mrs.twink's house at some time ... uh ... times got a little confusing at one point. you see, i originally thought the planned gathering time was 5:30 ... mrs.twink actually said it was 6:00 and, well, jamie wanted to hit the gym before he came out and asked if we could meet at 6:30 ... well, i had a long day at work, got home, chilled out for a bit, showered all the sweaty filth from my body and left for their house. i forget stuff when i'm exhausted.
oh, i just have to tell you a quick story while i was on the way there. at the toll booths at the harbor tunnel, some idiot woman had stopped in the ez-pass lane and started holding up traffic. apparently she thought it was a cash lane but when she got up to the booth, she noticed no one inside to give money to. well, the horns started blaring; people started shouting. she throws the car in park and gets out. i smelled trouble brewing and was waiting for the crack! crack! crack! of automatic weaponry ... i happened to be in the next lane over. not thrilled about this and the possible outcomes of any confrontation:
man: go!
idiot woman: i don't have ez-pass! i thought this was a cash lane!
man: just fucking go through it!
idiot woman: didn't you hear me?!
man: they'll send you a ticket in the mail!
idiot woman: they'll send me a ticket? oh hell no! ::clutches 2 dollars in her hand and comes into my lane to pay the woman at my booth::
thankfully i paid just as she walked over and i was able to leave all that road-ragey drama behind. phew!
so ... while driving through the harbor tunnel a revelation occurred to me ... i think we're supposed to meet at 6:30 ... i look at my watch ... 5:10 pm. shit ... i'm over an hour early. as soon as i pass through the tunnel i call mrs.twink. i got her voicemail.
me: ::in a meek voice:: um, mrs.twink ... i, um ... i think i made a boo-boo. ::laughs a bit:: um ... call me as soon as you get this, please. thank you.
i get to their house, i park, i sit, i wait ... a few minutes later she calls back and i explain the situation.
me: i'm so sorry. i could have sworn the meeting time was 5:30 but when i got into the tunnel i started thinking that maybe it was 6:30.
mrs.twink: you're here now?
me: yes?
mrs.twink: oh. my. god. my house is so not clean. i was going to clean before everyone got here!
me: oh, i'll just wait outside in the stifling heat. i'll be fine.
mrs.twink: ::laughs:: you can come in, it's fine.
her and i watched "the world series of pop culture" for a while and i mastered the 'james bond' category. it was fun.
fast forward >>>
the mr. comes home ... theresa shows up ... jamie shows up ... we go to eat.
we walked to samos and mrs.twink puts her name down and while waiting to be seated this young asian kid comes in, about 18 or 19 ... college age kid ... and i'm laughing and i can't stop. mrs.twink thinks i am laughing because i look at him and then look at her and it's some sort of asian thing. not even close. without divulging too much detail, let's just say this kids pants were a little snug in the front. that's all i'm saying. a few minutes later he's joined by another guy and they give a quick furtive touch ... nervous because they are two gays guys in a crowded restaurant so i start talking about gay things, outing myself to them, perhaps to ease the tension they're feeling. i remember those days. strength in numbers!! it must have worked because shortly after, the one guy puts his arm around the kid and they hold each other for a few seconds. awww. now ... what's strange about all of this is the old man they apparently were there to meet. now, when you have a coupling like this there are generally only two conclusions: a) he's their sugar daddy, or b) he's the filmographer for the amateur porn they'll be performing later. it was a bit disturbing.
anyway ... dinner was fabulous ... the company was by far the best thing of the evening and i had an amazing time. i always do when i hang out with my friends and i absolutely love jamie, mrs.twink, the mr. and theresa. i especially like propositioning the mr. for a trade in "favors" for the borrowing of some of my ps2 games. whee. a girl's gotta get it any way she can!
i <3 you guys!
the plan was to meet at mr. and mrs.twink's house at some time ... uh ... times got a little confusing at one point. you see, i originally thought the planned gathering time was 5:30 ... mrs.twink actually said it was 6:00 and, well, jamie wanted to hit the gym before he came out and asked if we could meet at 6:30 ... well, i had a long day at work, got home, chilled out for a bit, showered all the sweaty filth from my body and left for their house. i forget stuff when i'm exhausted.
oh, i just have to tell you a quick story while i was on the way there. at the toll booths at the harbor tunnel, some idiot woman had stopped in the ez-pass lane and started holding up traffic. apparently she thought it was a cash lane but when she got up to the booth, she noticed no one inside to give money to. well, the horns started blaring; people started shouting. she throws the car in park and gets out. i smelled trouble brewing and was waiting for the crack! crack! crack! of automatic weaponry ... i happened to be in the next lane over. not thrilled about this and the possible outcomes of any confrontation:
man: go!
idiot woman: i don't have ez-pass! i thought this was a cash lane!
man: just fucking go through it!
idiot woman: didn't you hear me?!
man: they'll send you a ticket in the mail!
idiot woman: they'll send me a ticket? oh hell no! ::clutches 2 dollars in her hand and comes into my lane to pay the woman at my booth::
thankfully i paid just as she walked over and i was able to leave all that road-ragey drama behind. phew!
so ... while driving through the harbor tunnel a revelation occurred to me ... i think we're supposed to meet at 6:30 ... i look at my watch ... 5:10 pm. shit ... i'm over an hour early. as soon as i pass through the tunnel i call mrs.twink. i got her voicemail.
me: ::in a meek voice:: um, mrs.twink ... i, um ... i think i made a boo-boo. ::laughs a bit:: um ... call me as soon as you get this, please. thank you.
i get to their house, i park, i sit, i wait ... a few minutes later she calls back and i explain the situation.
me: i'm so sorry. i could have sworn the meeting time was 5:30 but when i got into the tunnel i started thinking that maybe it was 6:30.
mrs.twink: you're here now?
me: yes?
mrs.twink: oh. my. god. my house is so not clean. i was going to clean before everyone got here!
me: oh, i'll just wait outside in the stifling heat. i'll be fine.
mrs.twink: ::laughs:: you can come in, it's fine.
her and i watched "the world series of pop culture" for a while and i mastered the 'james bond' category. it was fun.
fast forward >>>
the mr. comes home ... theresa shows up ... jamie shows up ... we go to eat.
we walked to samos and mrs.twink puts her name down and while waiting to be seated this young asian kid comes in, about 18 or 19 ... college age kid ... and i'm laughing and i can't stop. mrs.twink thinks i am laughing because i look at him and then look at her and it's some sort of asian thing. not even close. without divulging too much detail, let's just say this kids pants were a little snug in the front. that's all i'm saying. a few minutes later he's joined by another guy and they give a quick furtive touch ... nervous because they are two gays guys in a crowded restaurant so i start talking about gay things, outing myself to them, perhaps to ease the tension they're feeling. i remember those days. strength in numbers!! it must have worked because shortly after, the one guy puts his arm around the kid and they hold each other for a few seconds. awww. now ... what's strange about all of this is the old man they apparently were there to meet. now, when you have a coupling like this there are generally only two conclusions: a) he's their sugar daddy, or b) he's the filmographer for the amateur porn they'll be performing later. it was a bit disturbing.
anyway ... dinner was fabulous ... the company was by far the best thing of the evening and i had an amazing time. i always do when i hang out with my friends and i absolutely love jamie, mrs.twink, the mr. and theresa. i especially like propositioning the mr. for a trade in "favors" for the borrowing of some of my ps2 games. whee. a girl's gotta get it any way she can!
i <3 you guys!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
another colorful character ...
another post for you all about one of my co-workers, old skool. this woman is by far one of the funniest women i work with and she has some pretty funny stories and her nickname denotes the fact that she is a hardcore, OG (original gangster). yesterday her rant was about a man, recently, who forgot he left his young child in the car seat when he went to work and on his lunch came out to find his child had died. the temperature in the car had reached a high of 130 degrees, basically frying the child's brain. it's very tragic and i can't believe someone is stupid enough to forget their child in a car on an uber-hot summer day.
old skool: you hear about dat guy who left his baby in the car when he went to work?
me: oh, shit.
old skool: yeah, no doubt! i hate it when people leave their pets in the car, but a baby?! he forgot to drop the kid off at day-care.
me: fucking idiot.
old skool: no shit. i'da broken out dat damn window, then call the po-po. go ahead and arrest me, mr police officer ... arrest me for breaking the window! i'd say, "i didn't know how long dat baby was in dat car, officer! i was saving its life!" yeah, so he come out to the car at lunch and was like, "oh shit." the baby was dead.
me: ::disgusted noise::
old skool: he needs to be left in a car in 199 degree weather. how do people do that? how do you forget you have a baby in the car?
granted, that conversation isn't particularly funny, what with the topic being so tragic, but if you could have seen her actions when she was relating it to us ... priceless. she's very animated and all but goes crazy. another conversation we had a couple of months ago was a bit funnier.
old skool: so, get this. my cousin, shantrell, almost killed her husband.
me: ::laughs with a raised eyebrow:: oh really?
old skool: yeah, she stabbed him with her stiletto! the bitch wrapped her shoe straps around her hand ... she wasn't going to lose that shit ... and started beating him in the head and his chest and dat mother fucking heel stabbed him in his chest like 5 times. ::she shows us how it happened:: wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! i was like, "why he bleeding? i didn't see no knife!" blood all pouring down his chest and there's shantrell, crazy looking, her weave hanging off, holding a stiletto shoe in her hand, blood dripping from the heel! crazy woman!
me: ::laughing hysterically::
old skool: i'm serious, geoff! wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! blood everywhere! don't piss of a woman with stilettos! you know there's a metal rod in the heal? no wonder it stabbed. that plastic breaks off you got a shank!
me: why did she do this?
old skool: that [insertn word here] was cheating on her. i'da done the same thing to him, except he'd be dead. ain't no going half way when it's up to me!
keep in mind, again, the entire time she's relating all of this information to us, she's laughing her ass off and going through the motions from tying the shoe straps around her wrist to slamming the shoe into his chest to his actions as he clutches at the wounds and staggers away. fucking hilarious. that was one of those days that i laughed so hard i almost cried.
you know, i think daisy dyke snagged video of one of her conversations with her phone. if i can get it from her, i will try and find a way to get a 15 second clip posted on the page.
old skool: you hear about dat guy who left his baby in the car when he went to work?
me: oh, shit.
old skool: yeah, no doubt! i hate it when people leave their pets in the car, but a baby?! he forgot to drop the kid off at day-care.
me: fucking idiot.
old skool: no shit. i'da broken out dat damn window, then call the po-po. go ahead and arrest me, mr police officer ... arrest me for breaking the window! i'd say, "i didn't know how long dat baby was in dat car, officer! i was saving its life!" yeah, so he come out to the car at lunch and was like, "oh shit." the baby was dead.
me: ::disgusted noise::
old skool: he needs to be left in a car in 199 degree weather. how do people do that? how do you forget you have a baby in the car?
granted, that conversation isn't particularly funny, what with the topic being so tragic, but if you could have seen her actions when she was relating it to us ... priceless. she's very animated and all but goes crazy. another conversation we had a couple of months ago was a bit funnier.
old skool: so, get this. my cousin, shantrell, almost killed her husband.
me: ::laughs with a raised eyebrow:: oh really?
old skool: yeah, she stabbed him with her stiletto! the bitch wrapped her shoe straps around her hand ... she wasn't going to lose that shit ... and started beating him in the head and his chest and dat mother fucking heel stabbed him in his chest like 5 times. ::she shows us how it happened:: wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! i was like, "why he bleeding? i didn't see no knife!" blood all pouring down his chest and there's shantrell, crazy looking, her weave hanging off, holding a stiletto shoe in her hand, blood dripping from the heel! crazy woman!
me: ::laughing hysterically::
old skool: i'm serious, geoff! wham! wham! wham! wham! wham! blood everywhere! don't piss of a woman with stilettos! you know there's a metal rod in the heal? no wonder it stabbed. that plastic breaks off you got a shank!
me: why did she do this?
old skool: that [insert
keep in mind, again, the entire time she's relating all of this information to us, she's laughing her ass off and going through the motions from tying the shoe straps around her wrist to slamming the shoe into his chest to his actions as he clutches at the wounds and staggers away. fucking hilarious. that was one of those days that i laughed so hard i almost cried.
you know, i think daisy dyke snagged video of one of her conversations with her phone. if i can get it from her, i will try and find a way to get a 15 second clip posted on the page.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
overheard at the copier ...
ok, a couple of things. this will be a very short blog today ... i'm working hard!
overheard at the copier just 5 minutes ago:
i have the reflexes of a jaguar. ~ said by a 300+ lb. guy i work with. i have no idea what led up to this statement, but i found it humorous.
correction: yesterday i stated that the 'hell's kitchen' finale was going to be on that night. i was mistaken. it was the 2nd to last show. damn. it was good, tho. i hate rock!
overheard at the copier just 5 minutes ago:
i have the reflexes of a jaguar. ~ said by a 300+ lb. guy i work with. i have no idea what led up to this statement, but i found it humorous.
correction: yesterday i stated that the 'hell's kitchen' finale was going to be on that night. i was mistaken. it was the 2nd to last show. damn. it was good, tho. i hate rock!
Monday, August 6, 2007
T.G.I.M?
ugh ... monday morning ... my eyes are still half-shut ... my vision is somewhat blurry ... i keep yawning ... my head aches ... i look out my window here at work and i keep seeing prancing ponies drinking day old coffee while smoking exploding cigars ... i'm pretty sure i'm still dreaming.
i hate mondays. i know that is what everyone says, but seriously ... i really, really hate mondays.
the only benefit to today is that, tonight the 'hell's kitchen' finale comes on. yay! i do so love that show. i'm looking forward to see who wins. i hate rock, because he's a total asshole and he thinks he's the shit. on the other hand, the blond chick--i forget her name--is dumb as a brick and i'm really surprised she made it as far as she did. i think chef ramsey likes her tits. who knows? regardless, i can't wait to see how she decides to decorate her side of the restaurant. seeing as she's a nanny, i'm wondering if it'll have clowns with balloons, clouds, teddy bears and giant storks painted on the walls and ceiling. should be a treat to watch.
so, this weekend was fairly uneventful for me, which i am liking more and more as the weeks go by. i'm not going out to the clubs as much because i need to save money. i average between $40-$80 a night at the club when i go. oy. i need to save that.
instead, i went to matt and jessica's for dinner on friday. the food was amazing. steven brought paul, the resident vegetarian, and so matt prepared quite a few vegetable dishes that were to die for: asparagus with pine nuts and white wine, grilled portabella mushrooms, thinly sliced grilled eggplant, mashed potatoes with fried onions and a wonderful mixed green salad with crumbles of bleu cheese. it was all so very tasty. the meat course consisted of apricot glazed pork chops which tasted as good as if jesus christ himself stood at the grill wearing an apron that read, "kiss the cook." we had a glass of wine with dinner which was a nice reisling that would have tasted better chilled (just kidding matt). after our meal we had homemade pistachio cake and ho-made brownies (jamie is the ho that made the brownies.) the highlight of the evening, however, is when matt and jessie's son began to mock steven: laughing like him, saying the same things; slapping the table like him. i think steven was getting offended. lol. it was pretty funny. it was a great night.
saturday morning i drove out to annapolis to have my VEIP test done. i took 450 out and it was a nice relaxing drive through a very wooded area that had me flashing back to the area i lived in when i was in massachusetts. the dappled sunlight through the trees overhead ... the curvy, twisting roads winding through the forest ... trailers with junk and old toys in the front lawn. ahh ... the wonderful sights of trailer trash.
i passed my VEIP test, no problem. i really didn't expect a problem considering i just replaced the entire exhaust system on the jeep only last year. i'm glad i went though, because there was a really hot guy working at the VEIP testing place ... he was rather grungy, but in that hot mechanic sort of way. i felt a tingling.
on the way home i decided to stop by a yard sale. i love yard sales. sometimes you can find great shit for pennies on the dollar but i think i like going to yard sales most of all because people sell the weirdest shit imaginable. case and point: several old pairs of underwear, both in adult and child sizes. are you kidding me? who in their right mind would buy underwear from a yard sale? why would anyone even dare to put them on sale? of course, they caught my eye and i wandered over and began leafing through them like i was interested. i'm sure the other people at the sale were like, "ooh, look at that guy browsing through the used underwear." i didn't buy any, i just did it for shock value and to satisfy my own curiosity. the underwear actually looked pristine in their cleanliness, however, bleach does wonders. i was only about 5 minutes from home at this point and i left the underwear unpaid for on the table amid old ashtrays and a cuckoo clock with a bent minute hand and missing one of those pine cone weights that hang down. i washed my hands thoroughly when i got home--just in case--and took a clorox sani-wipe to my stearing wheel and stick shift. one can never be too careful.
other than that, my weekend was just relaxing. i read most of the 1st harry potter book (i'm rereading them all now that i have all 7 and won't have to wait a year in between them) and played my FFXI game. that's it. i know i missed some calls this weekend and i'm sorry. i'll make it up to everyone!
how was everyone else's weekend? do anything exciting?
i hate mondays. i know that is what everyone says, but seriously ... i really, really hate mondays.
the only benefit to today is that, tonight the 'hell's kitchen' finale comes on. yay! i do so love that show. i'm looking forward to see who wins. i hate rock, because he's a total asshole and he thinks he's the shit. on the other hand, the blond chick--i forget her name--is dumb as a brick and i'm really surprised she made it as far as she did. i think chef ramsey likes her tits. who knows? regardless, i can't wait to see how she decides to decorate her side of the restaurant. seeing as she's a nanny, i'm wondering if it'll have clowns with balloons, clouds, teddy bears and giant storks painted on the walls and ceiling. should be a treat to watch.
so, this weekend was fairly uneventful for me, which i am liking more and more as the weeks go by. i'm not going out to the clubs as much because i need to save money. i average between $40-$80 a night at the club when i go. oy. i need to save that.
instead, i went to matt and jessica's for dinner on friday. the food was amazing. steven brought paul, the resident vegetarian, and so matt prepared quite a few vegetable dishes that were to die for: asparagus with pine nuts and white wine, grilled portabella mushrooms, thinly sliced grilled eggplant, mashed potatoes with fried onions and a wonderful mixed green salad with crumbles of bleu cheese. it was all so very tasty. the meat course consisted of apricot glazed pork chops which tasted as good as if jesus christ himself stood at the grill wearing an apron that read, "kiss the cook." we had a glass of wine with dinner which was a nice reisling that would have tasted better chilled (just kidding matt). after our meal we had homemade pistachio cake and ho-made brownies (jamie is the ho that made the brownies.) the highlight of the evening, however, is when matt and jessie's son began to mock steven: laughing like him, saying the same things; slapping the table like him. i think steven was getting offended. lol. it was pretty funny. it was a great night.
saturday morning i drove out to annapolis to have my VEIP test done. i took 450 out and it was a nice relaxing drive through a very wooded area that had me flashing back to the area i lived in when i was in massachusetts. the dappled sunlight through the trees overhead ... the curvy, twisting roads winding through the forest ... trailers with junk and old toys in the front lawn. ahh ... the wonderful sights of trailer trash.
i passed my VEIP test, no problem. i really didn't expect a problem considering i just replaced the entire exhaust system on the jeep only last year. i'm glad i went though, because there was a really hot guy working at the VEIP testing place ... he was rather grungy, but in that hot mechanic sort of way. i felt a tingling.
on the way home i decided to stop by a yard sale. i love yard sales. sometimes you can find great shit for pennies on the dollar but i think i like going to yard sales most of all because people sell the weirdest shit imaginable. case and point: several old pairs of underwear, both in adult and child sizes. are you kidding me? who in their right mind would buy underwear from a yard sale? why would anyone even dare to put them on sale? of course, they caught my eye and i wandered over and began leafing through them like i was interested. i'm sure the other people at the sale were like, "ooh, look at that guy browsing through the used underwear." i didn't buy any, i just did it for shock value and to satisfy my own curiosity. the underwear actually looked pristine in their cleanliness, however, bleach does wonders. i was only about 5 minutes from home at this point and i left the underwear unpaid for on the table amid old ashtrays and a cuckoo clock with a bent minute hand and missing one of those pine cone weights that hang down. i washed my hands thoroughly when i got home--just in case--and took a clorox sani-wipe to my stearing wheel and stick shift. one can never be too careful.
other than that, my weekend was just relaxing. i read most of the 1st harry potter book (i'm rereading them all now that i have all 7 and won't have to wait a year in between them) and played my FFXI game. that's it. i know i missed some calls this weekend and i'm sorry. i'll make it up to everyone!
how was everyone else's weekend? do anything exciting?
Friday, August 3, 2007
only you can prevent forest fires ... dining with dad ... another bad coffee day ...
only you can prevent forest fires ...
yesterday afternoon, around 1:00, daisy dyke and i were outside and we noticed a smell hovering in the air. daisy thought that it smelled like a brush fire while i, being the oh-so-butch fag that i am, thought it smelled like burning sawdust ... or that smell when you are using a circular saw on a piece of wood and leave it to long in one spot and it burns. (yes, i am very handy when working with wood ... no innuendo intended .... or is there?)
so, the smell is getting stronger the longer we're out there. now, i must mention that previously, around noon, i had been outside and smelled the same thing but didn't think too much about it. however, when i leaned up against daisy's suv this time and was talking to her, my eyes drifted down and lo-and-behold, there was the source of the unknown smell. apparently, some brilliant person--a co-worker i'm sure--decided to flick their cigarette into the arizona-dry mulch that circled the base of a small tree that offers a small respite from the blaring sun. in a perfect circumference around the cigarette--which at this point is nothing but a really long ash and the tail end of a filter--was a smoldering circle of burnt mulch. not burning enough to create a lot of smoke, but enough that i am sure if left unattended, would have blazed to life at the next strong wind.
so, being the ever vigilant follower of smokey the bear's advice that i am, i began frantically stomping on the burning circle ... it wasn't only on the surface. apparently it had been burning long enough that it started to burn down into the mulch, not just outward in a widening circle. so, i continued my stomping and scraping and digging with the toe of my shoe. needless to say, there's a large hole today where there wasn't one yesterday, but i saved the lives of my co-workers and the tree that offers little to no shade.
i. am. a. hero.
dining with dad ...
last night i had dinner with my father. we went to the '4 seasons,' which is a mediterranean-fusion restaurant in the waugh chapel shopping center. it was fairly crowded when we walked in, but we were seated almost immediately--it helps that i'm so famous ... for all the wrong reasons--and i ordered a captain and coke while my father got a pina colada. the inside was cute, though one of the tragedies of the place was that emerill was on the television at the far end of the room and i kept glancing up at his portly mug, though i tried in vain to look away.
for an appetizer, we got the steamed mussels in this garlic, tomato sauce. they were actually very tasty. i was still fairly undecided on my entree so when she came back i had to make a quick decision. i was oscillating between the 'airline' chicken (not sure wtf that name means, but whatever) and the seared yellowfin tuna. i'm a big fan of seared tuna, but the chicken just sounded so good. i went with the tuna.
me: i'd like the yellowfin tuna, please, lightly seared.
waitress: medium rare?
me: lightly seared.
waitress: you want it rare?
me: ::smiles:: yes please.
my father got the stuffed shrimp.
fast forward >>
dinner arrives and i can already tell that my tuna is overcooked, but i decide to cut into it anyway and see. it was definitely not rare but was in fact, medium ... not even medium rare as she had so diligently tried to push on me. whatever ... i tend to avoid confrontation in a restaurant as i don't want the cooks and/or the wait staff to fuck with my food so i ate it. it was tasty, despite the obvious fault, and was covered in sauteed tomatoes, chunks of fresh garlic, capers, a bit of onion and gorgonzola cheese.
aside from obvious flaws with our dining, it wasn't half bad.
another bad coffee day ...
this morning i arrived at dunkin' donuts at my usual appointed time and what greeted me as i walked up the steps and grasped the door handle? a locked door. are you kidding me?
i peered through the glass ... no movement ... a veritable ghost-town.
unknown voice: geoff?
i whipped around to see one of the employees sitting in her van with the door open, just chilling out. i don't know her name so don't ask. she proceeded to inform me that one of the coffee bitch managers hadn't shown up and they are the only ones with the keys. i was so not impressed. i couldn't wait all day so what did i do?
i went to the gas station and made my own coffee with the brown swill they serve there. ugh ... gas station coffee is notoriously disgusting and i certainly wasn't disappointed when i took my first sip. it's like someone used a damp rag and cleaned up a bunch of spilled coffee then rung it out in the carafe. i added hazelnut cream to it and these new little concentrated espresso shots and viola ... barely passable, yet drinkable, coffee.
today sucks. it's friday. i'm clinging to that.
i certainly hope everyone else has a wonderful day. as mrs.twink stated previous, we're comment whores ... do be our johns ... pay us in comments ... i'll give you head.
yesterday afternoon, around 1:00, daisy dyke and i were outside and we noticed a smell hovering in the air. daisy thought that it smelled like a brush fire while i, being the oh-so-butch fag that i am, thought it smelled like burning sawdust ... or that smell when you are using a circular saw on a piece of wood and leave it to long in one spot and it burns. (yes, i am very handy when working with wood ... no innuendo intended .... or is there?)
so, the smell is getting stronger the longer we're out there. now, i must mention that previously, around noon, i had been outside and smelled the same thing but didn't think too much about it. however, when i leaned up against daisy's suv this time and was talking to her, my eyes drifted down and lo-and-behold, there was the source of the unknown smell. apparently, some brilliant person--a co-worker i'm sure--decided to flick their cigarette into the arizona-dry mulch that circled the base of a small tree that offers a small respite from the blaring sun. in a perfect circumference around the cigarette--which at this point is nothing but a really long ash and the tail end of a filter--was a smoldering circle of burnt mulch. not burning enough to create a lot of smoke, but enough that i am sure if left unattended, would have blazed to life at the next strong wind.
so, being the ever vigilant follower of smokey the bear's advice that i am, i began frantically stomping on the burning circle ... it wasn't only on the surface. apparently it had been burning long enough that it started to burn down into the mulch, not just outward in a widening circle. so, i continued my stomping and scraping and digging with the toe of my shoe. needless to say, there's a large hole today where there wasn't one yesterday, but i saved the lives of my co-workers and the tree that offers little to no shade.
i. am. a. hero.
dining with dad ...
last night i had dinner with my father. we went to the '4 seasons,' which is a mediterranean-fusion restaurant in the waugh chapel shopping center. it was fairly crowded when we walked in, but we were seated almost immediately--it helps that i'm so famous ... for all the wrong reasons--and i ordered a captain and coke while my father got a pina colada. the inside was cute, though one of the tragedies of the place was that emerill was on the television at the far end of the room and i kept glancing up at his portly mug, though i tried in vain to look away.
for an appetizer, we got the steamed mussels in this garlic, tomato sauce. they were actually very tasty. i was still fairly undecided on my entree so when she came back i had to make a quick decision. i was oscillating between the 'airline' chicken (not sure wtf that name means, but whatever) and the seared yellowfin tuna. i'm a big fan of seared tuna, but the chicken just sounded so good. i went with the tuna.
me: i'd like the yellowfin tuna, please, lightly seared.
waitress: medium rare?
me: lightly seared.
waitress: you want it rare?
me: ::smiles:: yes please.
my father got the stuffed shrimp.
fast forward >>
dinner arrives and i can already tell that my tuna is overcooked, but i decide to cut into it anyway and see. it was definitely not rare but was in fact, medium ... not even medium rare as she had so diligently tried to push on me. whatever ... i tend to avoid confrontation in a restaurant as i don't want the cooks and/or the wait staff to fuck with my food so i ate it. it was tasty, despite the obvious fault, and was covered in sauteed tomatoes, chunks of fresh garlic, capers, a bit of onion and gorgonzola cheese.
aside from obvious flaws with our dining, it wasn't half bad.
another bad coffee day ...
this morning i arrived at dunkin' donuts at my usual appointed time and what greeted me as i walked up the steps and grasped the door handle? a locked door. are you kidding me?
i peered through the glass ... no movement ... a veritable ghost-town.
unknown voice: geoff?
i whipped around to see one of the employees sitting in her van with the door open, just chilling out. i don't know her name so don't ask. she proceeded to inform me that one of the coffee bitch managers hadn't shown up and they are the only ones with the keys. i was so not impressed. i couldn't wait all day so what did i do?
i went to the gas station and made my own coffee with the brown swill they serve there. ugh ... gas station coffee is notoriously disgusting and i certainly wasn't disappointed when i took my first sip. it's like someone used a damp rag and cleaned up a bunch of spilled coffee then rung it out in the carafe. i added hazelnut cream to it and these new little concentrated espresso shots and viola ... barely passable, yet drinkable, coffee.
today sucks. it's friday. i'm clinging to that.
i certainly hope everyone else has a wonderful day. as mrs.twink stated previous, we're comment whores ... do be our johns ... pay us in comments ... i'll give you head.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
relocating ... getting passed over ... general hodge-podge
recently i've found it in my best interest to find a new place to live. i won't go into specifics as, really, it's no ones business and the ones who know me and are important to me know what is going on anyway. however, let's just say my current living arrangement is less than desirable and has been for some time.
i've been apartment hunting in various areas and i've found a location that seems like a good spot, aside from one detail which i will get to in a minute.
i took a look at the floor plan of this location and it's a 1 bedroom, 1 bath with kitchen, living room/dining room and appears to have lots of closet space, so that's a plus. the asking price for it is $585.00 with utilities included. i especially like the the sound of the last part ... say it with me people ... "utilities included." the community actually has a laundromat on site and is well within walking distance from a couple grocery stores and other amenities. i can swing $585/mo, give or take a few dollars.
now, the bad part ... it's in (dun dun dun ......) dundalk. anyone who knows me knows that i have an aversion to dundalk ... i generally close my eyes while in dundalk, even when i'm driving--which really makes for interesting lane changes. now ... i've talked myself into swallowing a fair amount of my pride and living among the classless society known as white trash and right now i will live with the motto: "beggars can't be choosers" ... which could be why many of dundalk's inhabitants appear homeless.
ok, perhaps i am being a bit harsh ... i have friends that live in or around dundalk and i would never classify them as white trash. i think they're the proverbial 'diamond in the rough' and i would never judge them for where they live ... especially when there are plans on my horizon to be joining them. oy. i've just never heard of anything good coming from dundalk and i'm afraid people won't visit me while i live there. assuage my fears, my friends ... promise me that if i move to dundalk you won't think any less of me. pinky swear.
i will keep you updated as further details are known
moving on ....
i just found out today that i got passed over for a permanent position here where i work. as of right now i am classified as a 'contractor' which, as we all know, is a glorified term for 'temp.'
recently quite a few people were laid off due to the end of a contract and of those people getting laid off, several were selected to fill in open spots in other areas working on other projects. one of the people slated to get laid off was actually given the position that my boss wanted me for, but realized that if she were to offer the job to a 'temp' instead of a permanent employee who was to be laid off, there could be some ramifications so, tada ... i got passed over. i'm sad a bit by it because i really need job stability right now, however, i'm glad that someone didn't lose their job. i'm being pulled from both sides on this one.
one bright side of learning all of this, however, is that now i have concrete proof that my manager is really taking steps to hire me on full time and give me the stability i need. previously it was just speculation: why would they take the time to train me in all these other systems and software unless they were going to keep me? why would they move my desk to sit with all the other permanent people and leave all the other 'temps' there? so on, so forth.
moving on some more ...
there's a new person working at dunkin' donuts ... to call him retarded would be an insult ... not to him, but to mentally handicapped people everywhere. people with downe's look at him and are like, "wow .. he's fucking retarded."
it took him approximately 10 minutes to get my bagel this morning ... 10 minutes ... and the other girl who was working was just laughing and was like, "sorry .. he's really slow." yeah, no shit.
also ...
i was behind another bad driver on the way to work today. bleh.
and finally ... in closing ...
the reason it took me so long to post something today is really, i didn't know what to post about. i seem to always bitch about dunkin' donuts and bad drivers and this morning, that's all i was thinking about. thanks mrs.twink for pointing out that i hadn't posted.
i've been apartment hunting in various areas and i've found a location that seems like a good spot, aside from one detail which i will get to in a minute.
i took a look at the floor plan of this location and it's a 1 bedroom, 1 bath with kitchen, living room/dining room and appears to have lots of closet space, so that's a plus. the asking price for it is $585.00 with utilities included. i especially like the the sound of the last part ... say it with me people ... "utilities included." the community actually has a laundromat on site and is well within walking distance from a couple grocery stores and other amenities. i can swing $585/mo, give or take a few dollars.
now, the bad part ... it's in (dun dun dun ......) dundalk. anyone who knows me knows that i have an aversion to dundalk ... i generally close my eyes while in dundalk, even when i'm driving--which really makes for interesting lane changes. now ... i've talked myself into swallowing a fair amount of my pride and living among the classless society known as white trash and right now i will live with the motto: "beggars can't be choosers" ... which could be why many of dundalk's inhabitants appear homeless.
ok, perhaps i am being a bit harsh ... i have friends that live in or around dundalk and i would never classify them as white trash. i think they're the proverbial 'diamond in the rough' and i would never judge them for where they live ... especially when there are plans on my horizon to be joining them. oy. i've just never heard of anything good coming from dundalk and i'm afraid people won't visit me while i live there. assuage my fears, my friends ... promise me that if i move to dundalk you won't think any less of me. pinky swear.
i will keep you updated as further details are known
moving on ....
i just found out today that i got passed over for a permanent position here where i work. as of right now i am classified as a 'contractor' which, as we all know, is a glorified term for 'temp.'
recently quite a few people were laid off due to the end of a contract and of those people getting laid off, several were selected to fill in open spots in other areas working on other projects. one of the people slated to get laid off was actually given the position that my boss wanted me for, but realized that if she were to offer the job to a 'temp' instead of a permanent employee who was to be laid off, there could be some ramifications so, tada ... i got passed over. i'm sad a bit by it because i really need job stability right now, however, i'm glad that someone didn't lose their job. i'm being pulled from both sides on this one.
one bright side of learning all of this, however, is that now i have concrete proof that my manager is really taking steps to hire me on full time and give me the stability i need. previously it was just speculation: why would they take the time to train me in all these other systems and software unless they were going to keep me? why would they move my desk to sit with all the other permanent people and leave all the other 'temps' there? so on, so forth.
moving on some more ...
there's a new person working at dunkin' donuts ... to call him retarded would be an insult ... not to him, but to mentally handicapped people everywhere. people with downe's look at him and are like, "wow .. he's fucking retarded."
it took him approximately 10 minutes to get my bagel this morning ... 10 minutes ... and the other girl who was working was just laughing and was like, "sorry .. he's really slow." yeah, no shit.
also ...
i was behind another bad driver on the way to work today. bleh.
and finally ... in closing ...
the reason it took me so long to post something today is really, i didn't know what to post about. i seem to always bitch about dunkin' donuts and bad drivers and this morning, that's all i was thinking about. thanks mrs.twink for pointing out that i hadn't posted.
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