jeep trouble ..again! oh, and my new laptop is here. :)

so, yesterday started out really shitty and if the title of this post isn't any sort of indication, well ... you're either a complete moron or you don't read post titles ... either way, i shall enlighten you.

so, i get ready for work and i head downstairs. i deposit some trash in the dumpster--which will get picked through later by the dundalk vultures--and i hop in my jeep, ready to go grab a coffee and head to work. i turn the key and i get nothing ... huh? i tried again, this time a flicker ... as they say, third time's the charm and my jeep turns over. must have gotten wet, i say to myself. i back out and head to 7-11.

7-11 is packed this morning with the usual dundalkian fare ... from trashy women with mustaches waiting for their rides to bristly old men spilling hot coffee on their hand without so much as a wince or a hiss of pain to the grumpy 7-11 employee who, finally, has started to warm up to me. i just think he wants in my pants. sorry, buddy ... i only sleep with guys who work at mcdonald's!

so, i pay for my shit and hop back into my jeep and try to start it. nothing. not this again! i tried several more times and still nothing. i called my boss; left a message.

me: um, [boss], i am going to be late or not in at all. i know this is a very vague statement, but i'm having jeep trouble and i'm about ready to take a hammer to it. but, i'm calling triple a and i will try and be in asap.

there's a slight snag here ... i don't have a AAA account which, now that i think about it, is a very, very stupid decision on my part, so i called the next best thing ... my father. long story short, he gave me all of his AAA info and i call them up.

woman on the line: thank you for calling triple aaa, mr. [my last name] this is chartrendra speaking, how are you today? author's note: i have no idea if that is really her name. she sort of slurred it and that's what i could piece together. we'll call her char-char.
me: hi char-char. i'm not too good, actually. i'm having trouble with my jeep and i'm stuck at 7-11. i think it's the battery.
char-char: well mr. [my last name] we can send someone out to jump your vehicle or to replace the battery for you.
me: ooh, a replace would be nice if that's the problem.

long story short, i tell her where i am and she says someone is on the way. a few seconds after hanging up with her i get a call from someone else from AAA informing me that battery service doesn't run until 8 or 8:30 (i forget) but they will come out there and jump me. the guy comes out and jumps me, tells me to go to pep boys. i do. it takes about 2 hours for them to replace my battery. i'm not happy. i go to work. i get there at 10:30 a.m. i'm still not happy. i check my comcast email. my new laptop has been delivered to my father's place. i'm happy again.

the rest of the day crept by so fucking slowly in part because i was terrified that someone was going to steal my new laptop sitting out on my father's front porch.

after work i sped to my father's place and made it there in roughly 20 minutes which would normally take 40-45 minutes. i'm lucky i didn't get pulled over or die. i pull into the driveway and i see the computer waiting for me. yay!

i just hafta say, this computer is amazing! it can do so much and i love it. it has a fucking fingerprint scanner! are you shitting me?? i had to program it to read my fingerprints!

in closing ... my jeep sucks, i hate it, but it's fixed now--for how long. i love my computer, it's raw power in a tuxedo black shell! i think later this week i will take over the world. <3

my laptop is a lush ...

so ... this past week i've found myself in need of a new computer. it's been something that i've needed for a long time as the laptop i have/had was severely outdated and purchased from a friend who knows a guy who refurbs. sounds fishy, right? well, it wasn't. the computer worked fine, but it really couldn't do what i wanted it to do ... well, ok, i'm lying ... it played porn just fine, but i wanted something a bit more.

well, this past weekend i was relaxing in front of the television, drinking a beer and browsing the internet. god damn i'm such a multi-tasker!! so, i had my beer set down on the coffee table next to my laptop and when i reached over--obviously forgetting the beer was there--i knocked the bottle over and spilled a good portion of it right into my laptop keyboard. uh oh. i immediately freaked out.

what if it catches on fire?? what if it burns the apartment down?? where's my escape ladder for my balcony?? what do i save?? (please see post: "i'm on fire!! help me baby jesus! help me oprah! help me tom cruise!")

i immediately sopped up the beer with whatever was handy at the time--my shirt for those who are curious--and shutdown, unplugged and turned the laptop on its side to drain. there it sat--like some horrible recreation of a house of cards, but made with electronics--for hours until i figured it might be safe to turn it on. i did so and my laptop yelled at me.

laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: wha?
laptop: i can haz moar beer!!
me: i sorry. i drinked it all up.
laptop: beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
me: ::slap::
laptop: ::silence::

so, the beeping stops and i come to the log on screen and come to find out, one of the keys i need for my password to log on is non-functional. oh shit. i had the idea to plug in a USB keyboard and got it working so i was able to log in. yay. it pretty much works for the most part, but several keys don't work.

broken keys:

• right shift key.
• space bar
• the number 6 (which when i hit it, it types an 'h')
• the letter j
• the letter p
• the letter e
  

such random letters, but fun nonetheless. i was planning on blogging a post using the keyboard, but i figured it would be too hard to read.

example:
todayisilldbronmylatoandnowmostofmylttrsdon'twork.thissucks.

translation:
today i spilled beer on my laptop and now most of my letters don't work. this sucks.

so, i called dell and ordered a brand new computer. yay! i've never had a dell before and all i can really remember about the company is that burnout always going "dude ... yer gettin' a dell!" however, this new laptop of mine is going to be pretty sweet--should be for the money i paid for it--and can do a lot of nifty things, including, but not limited to, doubling as a dialysis machine should i need it, act as an iron lung when cigarettes begin to really kill me, and porn.

i can't wait. estimated ship date is september 8th. i shall call him ... jennifer.

so, anyone know anything about dells? did i just fuck myself? i guess time will tell.

"week" in my knees ...

so, the past week--hell, the past several weeks--has been pretty tortuous and i've been carrying around a fair amount of stress and frustration with work. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this before, but the system i'm working in is going live in 13 weeks, now, and part of my job description dictates that i must make sure that information is set up correctly in said system. well, that's easier said than done when i'm working with complete morons and unreliable people.

for the past two weeks things have been especially trying and we've been working on dicrectory clean-up. what this means is that we have to go through nearly every physician record that we have in our system to make sure they have a contract; the contract is set up correctly; the providers are getting paid and are listed correctly in the global physician directory for their specialty and we had a deadline as of yesterday at noon. all of our other offices had until monday at noon to get anything in to us that still needs correcting and our mailboxes were filled to capacity the past few days with the ginormous influx of data corrections. every one decided that a last minute deluge would be well received by us ... they're wrong.

so, whatever ... you work through it ... what can you do, eh? now, representatives in our texas office claim that they've sent us information corrections and that we've not done them and therefore claim that everything they just sent us within the past day or two is all stuff they've sent us before. this is bullshit. since my start with this company i've worked very closely with those people in the texas office and have never had any problems, but when it's coming down to the wire and shit is hitting the fan, they back away to avoid cast off and push me and others in front of them to catch the detritus. the proverbial "pass the buck" routine you find in almost every office-type setting ... however, they didn't plan on one thing.

ladies and gentlemen, here at work i keep immaculate records of everything i've received, everything i've completed; have yet to complete and i can guarantee you that these last two days worth of "incomplete information changes" are the first time they've been introduced into this office. i've talked with my boss about this and she agrees that they are just trying to get everything in under the deadline and to take the blame off of themselves, it's really easy to say, "oh, but i sent it ... they must not have done it." but as i stated, i keep immaculate records and everything they DID send us was, in fact, not done in our systems, but i know without a shadow of a doubt that we've never seen them before.

anyway, so that's all that's been going on in my life. work, work, work and more work. everyone here is stressed and we can't wait for the madness to be over. i think today we're good, though not sure. gonna be pretty hectic until after the new year.

don't fuck with me fellas ... this ain't my first time at the rodeo. -- joan crawford (faye dunaway), mommy dearest (1981)

don't sty for me, argentina ...

so, this morning i woke up with--pardon the grossness of this--an excessive amount of eye guk in my left eye. my immediate thought, as i rubbed my eye with the heel of my left hand, was "oh, joy ... pink eye." well, not pink eye, but close enough ... i have a sty in my left eye and it hurts.

i took a little looksee in the mirror and it looks like it may be the result of an ingrown eyelash, though i'm not sure. regardless, my vision has been blurry all day and my left eye has been itchy and irritated and i think i had a headache all day as a result, though the headache certainly may have been brought on by the enormous amounts of stress at work lately. i'm exhausted ... here it is, 6:30 pm and i feel like i've run a marathon and the next 15 weeks are going to probably be just as bad ... you see, the system we're working in is going live in november and all kinks, bugs, glitches, information errors, etc, need to be wiped clean before it does so, so that's why i am--and will continue to be--a busy boy. so, add a sty into the mix and i am not a happy camper.

however, this sty reminds me a funny story. would you like to hear it? here it goes.

back when steven and i were dating we were out and about one day and stopped over at quiznos in odenton, i think, for a quick bite to eat. after lunch, steven wanted to visit the pet store that was in the same little strip mall thing. we walk in and this place looks like a puppy mill ... like, seriously ... you know when you're with a group of people and the subject of pets comes up and there's always that one person who's like, "oh, go rescue a dog from the pound ... don't get your pets from a pet store ... they support puppy mills." well, this is the place they were referring to when they chimed in with that little gem.

so, we're in there and steven and i split off in our own directions. this place was devoid of anything that a sane person would purchase for their pet and i was willing that everything in there was either lead or asbestos based ... there was nothing to look at except sad animals and wal*mart quality squeeze toys, however ... out of the corner of my eye i spotted a large silver cage. curiosity being my better half, i made my way to the urine-smell tinged breeding ground of disease so lovingly housing a white and brown chinchilla which stared at me with death in his (or her) beady little eyes.

DO NOT TOUCH! reads a large sign.

pfft, that obviously isn't for my benefit, so i inch my hand toward the cage ... the chinchilla is staring at me ... so, i inch my hand closer and i feel sudden wetness. what the fuck? i look down and see drops of something on my hand and i am completely confounded ... where did this wet come from? is the ceiling dripping? did i drool in my inhuman desire to touch the forbidden? i wasn't sure ... so, being the intelligent guy that i am, i reach toward the cage once more and i watch in horror as the chinchilla stands up and thrusts his hips at me sending a stream of urine onto my hand. i jerk my hand back and stare in disgust at what i now know is on my hand ... so i did what anyone would do ... i wiped my hand on some merchandise and decide my best option was to move away and pretend nothing happened.

so, i'm looking at the kittens behind the glass wall and i hear steven's voice behind me.

steven: ooh, what is that?

i turn around and see steven next to the chinchilla cage, his face mere inches from the metal bars, he hand poised to poke the little rat.

me: steven, don't touch--
steven: aaaaaah!! ::his hands are over his eye:: aaaah!!
me: ::doubled over laughing:: ... i tried ... ::breathe:: ... to warn ... ::breathe:: ... you ...
steven: that mother fucker pissed in my eye!!
me: ::laughing harder now ... it's hard to breathe ... i think i'm stroking out::
steven: aaaah! ewwwwwww ... ::shudders:: that little fucker! i will kill it!

so, after i became calm ... and then started laughing again watching steven shudder with revulsion, then calming again ... we make our way out of the store ... pretending nothing ever happened. outside, the laughing resumed, this time steven joining in.

fast forward >>
a day or two later steven stopped by the house to see me and when i greeted him i was in shock. i couldn't even see steven behind the ginormous sty that had formed in his lower eyelid of his right eye. it. was. huge. and white ... and pus filled ... it was fucking hilarious!!

ah ... ::relaxing sigh:: that makes me feel better amount my own--barely visible--sty. i laugh every time i remember that incident and it will forever go down as one of my favorite--if not the favorite--steven-related mishaps.

and ... i'm spent. <3

dedicated employee ...

i'm so dedicated!
today i was awake early and decided, instead of sitting on my ass watching pointless television shows at 4 a.m., that i would be productive and head into work. so i did. i was in by 5 and got a ton of work done by 7. i rock.

normally, i have fridays off ... however, this week i have ... today off ... i know, i know ...

the masses: but, you went into work already this morning!
me: yes, yes i did and i left at 10:30 so i'm putting the time i worked today toward overtime and coming in friday instead, much to the pleasure of my boss who was fighting with herself to ask me to come in friday seeing as several other people are also out then. so, as a favor to her, i'm working a full day on friday.

she loves me.

TAG
so, TAG is going to be out tomorrow and friday and i don't know what i'm going to do without her at work. she really makes the day go by much faster and easier and now i'ma be stuck talking to UTF or other co-workers. don't get me wrong, i get along with my co-workers, but not as well as with TAG.

she's going to "Do-Me" beach ... woot for her. have a great time, TAG, and see you on monday ... don't catch anything while you're there!

this page intentionally left blank ...

those 5 words ... in that order ... irritate me.

i was at work this morning at 7 am (i'm dedicated!!!) and i was working on some contracts for various doctor's out in texas and i ran across one contract that had not one, but two pages back to back stating only: this page intentionally left blank.

what, in the name of god, is the reasoning behind this? who's the brilliant mind that came up with that idea. is there a boardroom full of people sitting around a conference table and they're going through contracts and one guy ... we'll call him james ... speaks up and asks phil, the guy who wrote the contract, why the pages are blank?

james: hey phil. this contract looks great but i noticed that you forgot to put something on these two pages.
phil: oh yeah, james? which pages?
james: these two pages, phil. ::holds up the two blank pages:: you forget to put contract terms on here?
phil: no, james. those pages were intentionally left blank.
james: oh. well, phil, maybe we should put a notation on there to inform other people who read this contract that these pages were intentionally left blank.
phil: not a bad idea, james. but what could we put on there that would let people reading this contract know that i intentionally left those two pages blank.

silence fills the room as everyone is now brainstorming. susie, who just got back from getting a coffee, sees all the thoughtful looks.

susie: what's going on?
james: susie, we were just going over this contract that phil worked on and he intentionally left two pages blank. i came up with the idea that we should put something on these pages that informs other readers that they were intentionally left blank.
susie: oh yeah? mind if i take a look?
james: no, please do. maybe some fresh eyes will help.
susie: ::after looking at the contract for several minutes:: well, you're right, james. these two pages are blank. ::turns to phil:: you say you intentionally left these blank?
phil: i sure did, susie. i didn't have any information to go on there so i intentionally left them blank.
susie: this is puzzling.
marcus (the new guy): what if we put "we had no information to put on this page" on each of the pages? then people who read it will know that they were intentionally left blank because we had no information to put on those pages.
phil: i like it! i think the new kid is on to something.
james: well, phil ... marcus ... it does have merit, however ... it's too wordy, i think. i would like people reading this contract to know that these pages were intentionally left blank in as few words as possible.
marcus: shucks, you're right, james. that makes sense. ::goes back to thinking::
susie: what if? ... no, no never mind ... that won't work.
phil: no, susie, let's hear it. no ideas are bad ideas in here.
susie: well, i was thinking that if we wanted to let everyone know that these pages were intentionally left blank, we could contact janet down in marketing and have her order a stamp from staples that we can stamp on these pages. it could say something along the lines of, "blank page on purpose," or something to that effect. then we could just stamp it and everyone would know that these pages were intentionally left blank.
james: that's a great idea, susie, however, i'm not sure this is in our budget. we have hawaiian shirt day on friday and we're having lunch catered.
susie: oh, i'd forgotten about that. ::goes back to thinking::
phil: i have it!! ::he stands up and addresses the room, all of whom watch him with rapt attention:: we write: "this page intentionally left blank."
james: i like it! it's says what we mean and in few words! now everyone who reads this contract will know that these pages were intentionally left blank! great job, phil! ::begins to applaud::

soon, everyone in the boardroom is applauding phil and his brilliant idea. the meeting comes to an end and people begin to file out of the room.

susie: ::approaching phil:: hi phil. that was a great idea you came up with ... uh, i was wondering ... do you want to go get a drink sometime?
phil: well, susie. you know that i'm married ... but sure ... why not? maybe afterward we could fuck.

so ... apparently those two pages were intentionally left blank and some trees just died a little inside.

many shades of pissed ...

so, here it is ... 6:30 a.m. and i'm at work, sneaking on to blog.

i'm so fucking irritated right now, it's virtually unbelievable ... i work with a twat of a co-worker who is probably the single most unreliable person i've ever met at a job. she has no work ethic, she's habitually late, calls out consistently and doesn't really do shit when she is here. i'm sick of it.

my department is split into three regions ... pennsylvania (which covers pennsylvania, of course, parts of new jersey, parts of maryland and random scatterings of other areas), mid-atlantic (which covers maryland and some other areas), and texas (which covers .... guess ... yup, texas!). i work in the texas region with UTF (unreliable twat face) and we have so much work it's crazy. we're actually working in a region that should, technically, have 3 people working in but we split the difference between us ... or at least, that's the ideal setup, however ... UTF has been here 4--maybe 5--months and has probably been out a month of that for various reasons:

• sick
• car broke down
• relative died (times 3)
• she fell (which did happen b/c it happened here at work and i saw/heard it ... it was ugly)
• car accident

now, the falling thing ... i can understand that ... she fell pretty hard, but some of the other excuses she has used are a bit fishy. example ... her car accident ... it just so happens that 2 days before this 'accident' she informed my friend--and amazing co-worker--TAG (thin and gorgeous) that she had a friend coming into town for a week. well, lookie here ... guess how long it took to recover from this 'accident' ... yup, a week. funny how many coincidences there are in life, yes?

so, now ... with all the work that i already have, we just got an email last night requiring us to do additional overtime that is mandatory. are you freaking kidding me? ugh ...

so, here it is now 10 of 7 and UTF is still not in and her shift begins at 7 ...

my vision is red.

unnecessary meetings ...
to make my work situation even worse, we have two very unnecessary meetings scheduled for today that will waste time that i could be working and catching up on stuff that we are apparently behind on. does it end?

overheating ...
so, this one has nothing to do with my co-worker ...
recently i just had $700.00 worth of work done on my jeep to repair my radiator which was leaking fluid. it was a chunk of money that i really wish i didn't have to part with, however, it was a necessary evil. after the work was done, the jeep ran great!

yesterday, however, i smell antifreeze and i look at the temperature gauge and whatd'yaknow ... it's overheating. are you kidding me?? so now, on my day off, i have to bring my jeep back to meineke and inform them that they didn't fix it. ugh ... fucking idiots!!

so ... needless to say i'm a bit salty today. have a great fucking day, all. peace.

oooh, final edit ...
UTF just walked in the door and sat her fat ass down. get to fucking work, woman!!

that is all.

that birthday party? yeah, it was a drag ...

so, last night, mrs.twink dragged me to a birthday party which, for all intents and purposes, was a great little shindig, however ... i knew only the people that i came with and then 2 or 3 others who showed up, which, whatever ... no big deal. i was already in the company of the most important people at the party.

so tracy, the birthday gal ... at least i think her name was tracy ... help me out, here mrs.twink ... anyway ... possibly-tracy, the birthday gal, was a sweetheart and i do believe i had met her before at a gathering thrown by the twinks in the past, either new years or a birthday, i really can't remember. usually the twinks' parties turn into a blur of alcohol and food, so it's hard to separate them from one another.

anyway, so the house that this party was in so so cute! and the girl--god help me i can't even remember what letter her name begins with--did a great job with the decorating. 4 floors, including basement and rooftop deck. i hung out for a little bit on the roof with zack and jenny before planting my ass on the sofa next to mrs.twink, where we discussed fascinating topics such as: shear genius, top chef, hell's kitchen and project runway. mrs.twink and i were joking around and she confused me with steven saying that steven was the one who was up doing the robot with her at her wedding reception, when the fact is ... it was me who started it off with her and i was up there for a bit until the entire attendance at the reception started to crowd around and watch and, well ... i was done. so, anyway, i was hurt ... so i made some emo comment about slashing my wrists (/wrists) and i got the dirtiest look from some cow in a black dress. here's an idea, you pig faced sow ... eat. me. raw.

anyway, about an hour and 15 minutes into the party, it was time for mrs.twink and i to depart ... we had a drag show to get to! so, she and i made our way through fed hill on foot to meet jamie, terri and bill at some bar called tight rope or on the ropes or rope walker or ... well, something with the word "rope" in it. jamie. was. hammered. already ... it was a little after 9 pm. oy, that boy.

we hailed a cab and all 5 of us squeezed into this brick oven on wheels, which was ripe with stale sweat and undertones of urine, and made our way to the hippo. long story short, yadda, yadda, yadda ... we're in the hippo, having drinks, chatting and the show is about to begin, so we go over to the dance side to find our tables. mrs.twink and i sat down just in time to catch chaka khanvict perform the opening number, a little madonna tune. i glance over at mrs.twink and her face was that of a woman who suddenly realized her tickets to the "Jesus Saves" revival concert, were actually front row tickets to a public execution. she. was. stunned.

but, as with all of the human race, curiosity always gets the better of us and she watched on, i think waiting for the train to derail and spill human parts.

about halfway through the show this collection of middle-to-late-aged women in skimpy clothing and pasty white skin, begin dancing on a portable pole that was lugged out into the middle of the stage ... (for jamie: sorry for not helping to carry that out there, but honestly ... after seeing what was done with it, i wanted to disinfect just for being in the same room with that thing.) they did this somewhat erotic--and extremely creepy--routine and i think i caught sight of grandmotherly labia. i can't be certain. it may have just been a skin tag. anyway, i think even the straight guys who were at the show found it difficult to watch and i threw up a little in my mouth.

now, don't get me wrong. i have no problem viewing a woman's body and i think women are beautiful, for the most part. i'm not sexually attracted to them (shut up, mrs.twink) but i certainly can appreciate their femininity and kudos to these cougars for being comfortable enough with themselves and getting up there and dancing their wrinkles off. i was just ... disturbed ... and after peering around the room, i certainly wasn't the only one.

there were some great performances and a decent amount of humor from the MC who, at one point, asked mrs.twink if i "popped [mrs.twink's] cherry," to which a shake of the head prompted, "good, because he's gay, honey!"

i could tell mrs.twink was tired, so finally, after an extremely long show--which was a lot of fun and very well put together--mrs.twink and i hopped into a cab back to her place where i got into my jeep and drove home.

fin.

three's company ...

ok, so i know three posts in one day is a bit over the top. can anyone say "over compensating?" i've got the bug now and i just wanted to blog about this past weekend.

i was lying on my sofa watching television this past saturday, minding my own business, and trying to nap as i had a house warming party to go to later that evening. usually when i'm trying to nap i ignore any and all distractions such as my telephone ringing or someone at my door, but this particular afternoon when my phone buzzed, something possessed me to pick it up and look at it. it was a text message.

text message: this number still work?

it was from my first boyfriend ever, rich, who was also my very first love. i hadn't seen rich in roughly 11 years--closer to 12--and i responded with a "it sure does." a few minutes later i get another text advising me that rich was up from florida and in DC visiting his friend amber. my eyes got big. so i sent a text back.

me: oh ya? what are you up to? i'd really love to see you.
rich: nothing at the moment and i'd love to see you as well.

we chatting a bit through text message--why i didn't just pick up the phone and call is beyond me--and we settled on a game plan and rich took the metro out to greenbelt station, approximately an hour away from me, and i was there to greet him when he arrived. seeing him again, walking across the parking lot toward my jeep, was like a physical blow to my chest.

we'd met a lifetime ago on an online chat engine and several times over the next year or two, we were able to meet in real life at some weekend BBQs hosted by some of the other members of the chatter and we quickly developed a strong friendship which evolved into more. we decided we were going to make it official and began dating. although we now considered ourselves boyfriends, there was one little problem. rich lived in kentucky and i was up in maryland and--to make a long story short--even with frequent visits, the relationship only lasted for about another year and a half to two years and we decided that the distance was too much and we broke up. we kept in touch via the phone and the chatter, but after a while, the chatter kind of died out and then the phone conversations, as with all things, slowly began to ebb until they were virtually nonexistent.

about 4 years ago, i found rich's number and gave him a call, surprising him. lines of communication opened again and we chatted fairly frequently. i was dating steven at the time and i'm a completely monogamous person so i never thought of rich in that romantic context while i was with steven and the issue never came up. once again, however, our phone calls faded and then stopped altogether.

now, though, after seeing him again this past weekend ... every single emotion i've ever felt for rich ... every feeling i've ever had for him, came rushing back in a single monumental lurch and i knew then, as i looked at him on the drive back to my place, that i was done letting him slip through my fingers. we've had a few chances in the past to be together, but one thing or another prevented us and i'm done.

i've come to realize that i do love rich with all of my heart and i want to be with him and no other and i will do whatever it takes to have him in my life. i want to get a house with him ... i want to grow old with him. rich was my first love and i want him to be my last.

i'm sorry. i'm really not used to talking about my emotions like this, so please forgive if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. i'm usually the bitter, cynical fella, but rich just evokes a softer side in me ... a more emotional side.

a few days ago i decided i'd lay it all on the line to rich and tell him how i feel, though i tried tactfully to not scare him off. he seemed very receptive to my words and to my statement of "i want to be with you," he replied that a long distance relationship would only be a temporary fix, which to some might seem like a more negative response, however, the way he said it gave promise to the possibility of us living together.

i would love for rich to move up here to maryland to be with me. there are some really nice town homes that i think we'd be very happy in and i have so many friends up here, along with my family, that i would hate to move away. while i know that rich also has a lot of friends down in florida, his family is in ohio which would mean he would be closer to them if he was up here and he would already have another friend in the area too, as amber is in DC. obviously i haven't reached the point yet where i talk to rich about moving. i understand things need to be taken slowly, but i do know that my feelings for him won't change. i love rich ... i've always loved rich.

omg, i'm so sappy! i've half a mind to not post this ... but that would be unfair to rich and myself and you all. this is another side of me you get to see that, i'm pretty sure, i haven't shown yet.

FAQ

i'm writing a little FAQ (frequently asked questions) to help you all understand my absence and my subsequent return.

where the fuck have you been?
whoa ... whoa ... simmer down ... let's not start this thing off with swearing. for your information, i've been around ... just not online much.

why not?
well, if you've read my previous post, i explain why i was gone.

i've read it, but it's not good enough. sounds like a lame excuse to me.
hmm. you're an asshole. lame or not, it's the excuse i give because it's the truth. with this new job i'm uber busy all day and really don't have time to blog, coupled with the fact that everything we do on the internet is monitored and nearly every site that is for entertainment purposes is blocked. we can't even view job recruitment websites unless it's for our own company.

what can we expect from you now?
well, that's a good question. i'm going to try my best to blog as much as i can. i have fridays off now so it--hopefully--won't be a problem for me to log on real quick and post something.

we've heard that before.
that's not a question.

we've heard that before? is that better, asshole?
hmm. you're in a mood. anyway ... yes, i know i've said that i am going to try and be on more and blog more and all that jazz, but this time i think i might be able to follow through with my declaration.

what makes this time any different?
well, when i tried to log on this morning to blog i realized that i'd forgotten all of my login information and i therefore spent the better part of an hour trying to figure all that shit out. i would attempt to recover my password only to find out the email i was using was either completely invalid or not associated with gmail or blogger. so, i had to figure out which email i used then had to figure out which password--of the many that are floating around in my head--that i used. it was very frustrating but i stuck it through to the end and i figured it out. now, does that sound like something i would do if i was just going to be flippant about this whole thing?

what does flippant mean?
means frivolous or not taking this seriously.

ok, thank you. moving on. what can we expect in terms of blog content?
see, now that's a good question. i plan on returning to my old sarcastic--

yeah, we like that.
um, can i finish without being interrupted, please?

oh, yeah ... sure, i'm sorry.
anyways ... i plan on returning to my old sarcastic, witty and bitter ways. i know of at least one or two people who will be happy to have me back, but i can't speak for everyone else. they won't even know i've blogged unless they have me on an RSS feed.

that kinda sucks.
in the form of a question, please.

oh for fuck's sake! that kinda sucks?
yes, yes it does.

what's that smell?
what smell?

hey, i'm the one asking the questions here! you don't smell that?
no, i really don't.

oh, maybe it's just me. anyways, so, when can we expect your "sarcastic, witty and bitter ways," as you put it?
not sure yet. i'm a bit rusty so i'll need some time to get back into the swing of things.

ok, well, one last question. are you glad to be back?
i am and i've missed everyone and i will try and be better this time and post blogs more frequently. i'm sorry--

yes, yes, we know ... you're sorry. i have no more questions for you. goodbye!

::peeks head in through door:: hello? anyone here?

wow ... almost 5 months ... that's just crazy ... or lazy, your choice.

ok, so before anyone starts berating me for my lack of blogs over the past few months, lemme just get my excuses out of the way now.

i have a new job where every single thing we do on the internet is virtually monitored and i, therefore, cannot blog from work like i could with my last job. pretty self-explanatory, yes?

the masses: but you can blog from home!

true ... true, i could ... but do i ever feel like it? no, and here's why ... i sit in front of a computer for 10 hours a day ... i get home and the last thing i even think about it turning on my computer. however, with the recent fuel crisis (yes, i think it's a crisis ... i mean, who wouldn't?) and the summer days, i've been given the option to work a 4-day work week, which. i. love.

so, it's friday ... i'm at home, not at work ... and i figured i'd try to get back into this blogging schtick.

the masses: yeah, we've heard that before!

i know, i know ... i'm a horrible, lying, flaky person, but here's the thing ... it just took me over an hour to get all my login information for this blog and do you think i would honestly expend that much energy and time on something i really didn't think i would follow through with? i seriously will try my best!

i can't believe i'd forgotten all my log info. i couldn't even remember the gmail account i used for a mental fracture. that's sad. i would blame it solely on my inactivity, but i think my hostory of drugs may be rearing it's ugly head and i'm developing early onset alzheimer's. someone shoot me if i start pissing and shitting myself. mrs.twink, i give you that task.

in closing, please forgive me for my absence ... i think it was a needed break for me. they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i think my extended hiatus was necessary to be back into the blogging mood and have a fresh outlook on things.

child molesters hide behind frozen treats ...

there's a creepy ice cream truck parked outside my apartment.

DST, lunatics and cadbury creme eggs

i promised jamie that i would try and blog close to everyday, even if it's just a quick rant or one of my usual extremely long "short post"s.

today, i talk about losing sleep, waking to the sounds of a raving lunatic and easter candy ...

well, last night before bed i turned my clocks forward like a good lad. the government has decreed, originally for the farmers, that we need all the daylight we can get! started in 1918, DST was a huge hit! so huge, in fact, that it was repealed in 1919 for it's unpopularity. seriously? no shit! i don't mind it so much in the winter ... but in the summer? what the buck, chuck ... why should i lose an hour of sleep during a night where i'm lucky to get 6 anyway ... bleh! so, after it was appealed, it became a local option and places like massachusetts and rhode island opted to continue it. i always knew those people were fucked in the head.

i wish it were still a local option, but narrowed down to individual housing. shit ... next year ... i'm getting my hour of sleep!

anyway, if DST fascinates you as i am sure it undoubtedly does ::sarcastic face:: then check out:

http://webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/b.html.

it's a cool informative site with a really neat interactive menu and gives you all the details on DST and the fuckheads who started it. that is all.

moving on ...
so, definitely feeling my 4 hours of sleep when i woke up today, i peered through half-shut eyes to the television--the object of my awakedness--where a man with a tremendous propensity for screaming and praising the lord (much like sam kinison did?) spoke in one of those really cheesy, bad movie type of preacher voices ... you know, where the last word in the sentence is raised a few decibels and said through nearly clenched teeth. now, i think i've said it before, but for the sake of clarification, i'll say it again ... watching those religious behemoths spout off is very nearly akin to watching a train wreck for me. i'm not very religious--i bet you couldn't tell!--but i do love to watch these people lose their shit on national television and this guy did just that. at one point, he reminded me very much of paula abdul in one of her "i'm not an alcoholic"-incoherent babbles on american idol.

paula: i love your colors ... they're so ... and they ... lots of colors. bright, shiny .... baubles of talent ... you shine ... you really, really shine ... i love your colors.

seriously paula, lay off the quaaludes and pick up a bible, girl! so, this guy today--god i wish i would have gotten his name--is going to town on jesus being crucified on the cross and he makes a statement and i know i'm going to get it completely wrong, but it was something to the effect of: "jesus died for our sins on the cross but it wasn't enough," and then he claims that what he just said is verging on blasphemy. oi. a self-hating church man ... must be catholic. oooh, did i just go there? i sure did! i'm catholic, so deal. ANYway .. so after this, he breaks into song, but he's half singing it, half saying it and on one section, he goes into full vocal range and belts it, but then starts crying ... or fake crying, whatever the case may be, and i'd had enough so i turned the television to "SpikeTV" and watched 'Sniper 2' with tom berenger for about 5 minutes before i decided i'd rather watch the jesus freak shout at me.

moving on ...
so, it's getting close to the time of the year when disgusting chocolates make their re-emergence into everyday society. and in case you have no idea what i am talking about, i refer to the vile ovules of turd-acular delight straight from satan's anus ... cadbury creme eggs. this is diabetic shock in a thick chocolate shell. mmm, let's buy in bulk!

i remember as a child seeing this amazing thing called a creme egg. what is it? a chocolate egg? with sweet cream in the middle?! you must be joking! you're not? i have to have one! so, i trundled along behind my father to the grocery store and after shopping, we ended up in the 'parent's worst nightmare' aisle (which i've noticed is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be) filled with teeth rotting yummy goodness that causes kids to have seizures and lay on the floor kicking and screaming: "I WANT CANDY!!!!!!"

so, i plead with my father to buy me one of these ... creme eggs ... and not just a creme egg, but a cadbury creme egg. i forget how old i was, but not yet old enough to have an allowance that i might use to purchase this nugget of delight.

me: but, dad, it's got chocolate on the outside.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, and, and ... it's got cream in the middle.
dad: uh huh.
me: and, it's got, um ... it looks like a yolk. ha ha, look dad, see how funny that looks. ::points to picture of display::
dad: ::barely glances over:: yup.
me: ha ha, that's funny right? yeah ... funny ... so, can i get one? i promise not to eat it now and spoil my supper.
dad: ::looks at me ... i think with the intent of wanting more to sweeten the pot::
me: i promise i'll shut up.
dad: ::looks to the cashier:: i'll take a dozen.

so, the ride home was the worst ever! here i was in possession of this magical delight wrapped in foil ... it was so close ... oh, man, i just wanted a nibble ... just one, small, taste of it's chocolaty and creamy perfection. i flew through dinner, eating everything in sight in a matter of seconds.

me: may i be excused?! ::zoom! out the door!::

outside my friends were already gathered and i walked to them and when i got close, i pulled forth this object of holiness ... a white nimbus surrounding the foil ... glinting off the textured surface.

me: behold ...
friends: ::collective gasp::
me: i give thee ... cadbury.

and with that declaration i begin to slowly ... fondly ... carefully pull back the foil protecting the joy inside. there it was ... my 'red rider bb gun' .... oh, my mouth was watering ... i inspected the surface ... no imperfections at all. it was beautiful. i brought it to my mouth ... gently placed my tongue on the surface to taste the chocolate. delicious! i took a bite ... the thick, sweet cream bursting into my mouth and onto my tongue.

me: ugh, this tastes like shit! ::throws it on the ground::

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the day my youthful exuberance died and my cynicism began. thank you cadbury easter bunny.

cadbury easter bunny: bok, bok, bok, bok.

oh, and for the record ... i hate peeps too! marshmallow covered in a pound of colored sugar with eyes drawn on with a sharpie marker. ick!

the prodigal blogger returns ...

first, let me extend my deepest apologies to my friends and fans who have not been given the pleasure to read my obnoxious drivel for ... wow ... like a month. it's amazing how time flies.

i've been extremely busy the past month with my new job, trying to learn the ins and outs, and basically find my groove and become comfortable with these new systems i'm working in. i have so much work that when i get home, honestly ... the last thing i want to do is blog. however, i figured it was time that i get back into my blogger mode and bore you all, yet again, with my nonsensical goings on.

when we last left our hero, he had uncovered a munchkin amidst his coworkers in the guise of a decrepit smoker who has an affinity for using the men's room. while that has not changed and she continues to utitilize the facilities of the opposite sex, our hero has discovered a strange new figure among his healthcare brethren, one that bears a striking resemblance to a past acquaintance ...

ladies and gentlemen, you will be happy to know that i have the privilege to work with the good mother, version 2, though not nearly as severe as the O.G. good mother. this one doesn't drink coffee ... she's cautious about what she eats, however, she smokes like a fire and nearly quoted the original good mother verbatim with "it's my body," when SBW (please refer to previous post) commented on her smoking while pregnant. however, this good mother cannot be more different than the original in all aspects, save the smoking. this GMv2 is funny, smart, cute and most definitely NOT white trash.

so, i'm on the phone with jamie as i type this and i think he is on something, though i can't imagine what drug could possibly affect jamie as he is, already, a bundle of energy and excitement. anyway, he's on his way to go pick up terri to take her to "rent" and he was asking what the show is about.

me: no money and aids.
jamie: you mean hiv.
me: no, they fast forward through that. goes straight from dick sucking to aids.
jamie: oh, kinda like an 'easy-bake oven.' you stick your dick in and five minutes later you come out with aids.

i fucking love him.

anyway, jamie has distracted me to the point that i cannot remember anything i wanted to blog about, so i will have to get back to everyone in another blog.

so, i just wanted you all to know that i am back and i WILL be blogging and catching up on my reading. i'm not reading any tonight, sorry folks, i'm beat. so, to those who tagged me, i will get to them. i promise!

love you all!

gaydar, southern black woman and women in the men's room ...

well, my gaydar went off today ... more on that in a few, however. i first have to start off by saying that gaydar is apparently not limited to people of the faganese persuasion. this morning i was totally called out and it was quite funny how it happened, actually.

i work with a woman, we're going to refer to her as southern black woman or sbw. well, sbw stopped by my desk this morning at about 7:15 am and informed me she had a present for me. she produced this bottle of "vege," i think it's called and what it is is a vegetable juice purchased from whole foods. it has about 10 different vegetables in it and has 200% or vitamins a & c and earlier in the week i had commented on it while sbw was walking around with it. since we apparently shared a love for vegetable juice, she decided to pick one up for me and let me try it. it was very sweet of her. well, topics of veggie juice turned to dining and ultimately southern cooking and wines and deserts and we must have chatter for about 45 minutes before we finally settled in to work. as i turned to my computer to begin browsing our sharepoint for provider issues to resolve, i hear this tiny little knock on my cube and i turn to see sbw standing there. she gestures to her hair:

sbw: i gotta get patti labelle under control, child! ::and she begins to run to the bathroom. i'm laughing hysterically at this for her hair, in fact, had a very labelle-esque upswing::

she comes back a few seconds later and throws me a smirk.

sbw: this ain't no coming out, party, honey ... this is work! ::she winks::

she knows. at least i'm pretty sure she knows, but i'm not worried about that. no. no ... i'm currently at conflict as i'm not sure whether to point out that diana ross is the one who sang "i'm coming out." i don't. but, apparently her and i have a lunch date next week at some mexican joint down the road from where we work. that should be fun.

ok, now back to my gaydar. let me set the scene.

i was at my desk, minding my own business when i felt this buzzing at the base of my skull. i know this feeling ... my gay sense is tingling. i push back from my desk and stand up and walk to the water cooler when i spot him ... mr. gay #2. he's a nice looking man, dresses sharply and smiles a lot. it's very endearing. now, throughout the day i noticed him making frequent trips past my cubicle and finally at one point, when i was getting some papers from the printer, he comes over to me.

mr. gay #2: what is your name? i tried to see if you had a nameplate yet, but you don't.
me: oh, i wasn't born with a name. i'm nameless ... everyone just calls me 'hey you.'
mr. gay #2: ::laughs::
me: i'm geoff.
mr. gay #2: oh, i'm [name].
me: nice to meet you. ::i smile::
mr. gay #2: nice to meet you too, geoff, but i'm going to call you 'nameless' from now on.

and sure enough, throughout the rest of the day, he'd smile and call me nameless. i want to stab him. just kidding.

ok, so today i also found the office freak. there's this woman, she's got to be in her late 50's to early 60's, who i spied coming out of the men's room. odd. later, she was outside when i went out and, being the gentleman that i am, i said hello. now, i expected her voice to be this raspy, 100-year-old smoker's voice, but instead it sounded like a munchkin from 'the wizard of oz.' it was very freaky. later, mr. gay #2 and i were conferring and apparently she uses the men's room quite frequently. maybe she's really a dude. i just think she likes to poop in our room. who knows? but i thought i'd share that little gem of office freakishness. fun!

"i'm a hard workin' man, i'm a sonuvagun ..."

well, lookie who has decided to post a blog! that's right, it's your friendly gayborhood blogger, geoff!!

wow, this past week has been a bit crazy. as per my last blog entry, you all know that i got a new job mere minutes after my interview.

on a side note in reference to the very quick turn-around time on this:
i've been asked by numerous people if they were really hard up for help and that's why they hired me so fast. while i understand that this could have been a valid reason, it's still a low-blow, regardless. however, i'm here to set the record straight and the answer to that question is: no, they're not hard up for employees. in fact, they had temps in my position before i got there as well as a few others working in other sections of this department and today was their last day. while i am extremely happy that this is not happening to me, i do feel a bit of remorse for them as i just went through that, basically. so they had the spaces filled and weren't scrambling for employees. this is a very big company that is growing like a weed and soon we'll rule the world!!! ::maniacal laughter ensues::

so, anyway, lemme tell you a little bit about what i am doing. following along the lines of trizetto--my previous employer--i am still working in the health care field which i have been doing for almost the past 11 years, ranging from CNA (Certified Nurse's Aide) at a nursing home in the alzheimer's unit, to working with abused and neglected children, to the more businessy side of health care. as with trizetto, i'm working with medical insurance, however, instead of working with patient information and databases, i'm working on the provider side of the avenue. my title is PDM Specialist, or provider data management specialist, working with various doctors and affiliates and enrolling contracts into our health care network while correcting or adjusting old contracts still within our network. it's all very boring stuff that i'm sure you don't want to hear about, however, let me just say that i love my new job.

the atmosphere is very laid back and i work in an amazing office building with 30 foot ceilings, spacious windows, exposed beams and brick ... it's very airy and open and i certainly do not feel confined while sitting in my cubicle. the people i work with, so far, have been very gracious and welcoming and very helpful with answering any questions i may have. i'm working with an entirely new system than what i am accustomed to, however, by friday--day three--i was all but flying through work assigned to me. i also work about three cubes over from a girl i worked with at trizetto, so that was cool. i already knew someone there. and! and! and! i found out today that daisy dyke has submitted her resume at this place so that would be wonderful if she got the job. out of all the people i miss at trizetto, i miss her the most.

so far i haven't met any colorful characters to blog about or, in my opinion, that would make for interesting blogging material. they're all pretty normal, actually, and that's kinda nice for a change.

in closing, i apologize for my lack of attendance lately and my lack of blogs. one of the downsides of this new job is that we're not permitted to use the internet for personal use at any time, even during breaks, nor are we supposed to get personal emails while there. i don't feel this detracts from my day, though, as i am constantly busy and the day is over before i even realize it. today i didn't even realize that i hadn't used my ipod until i packed up for the night and saw it sitting there, ibud cord still wrapped around it. "oh."

i will try and blog more often when i get home from work ... assuming there's anything to blog about. thank you all for the congratulatory greetings and best wishes. it means a lot and i thank you very much!

... new beginnings.

well, as many of you know i had a job interview today at 2:30 and due to my nerves, i was awake at 6:30 this morning, though i think that is largely in part because that's when i've been waking up for how ever many months. so, i drank coffee all morning and tried to play my xbox, but i just couldn't focus.

so, fast forward a bit ... i arrive at the location for my interview about 30 minutes early ... no, it wasn't because i was nervous ... it's because this place is almost literally right down the street from me. it took me all of 10 minutes to get to this place and think it only took that long because of the rain.

so, anyway, i go in and they put me in this bland, white-walled room that contains only a table and some chairs. nothing on the walls ... no other furniture. if there was a large mirror on one wall i'd honestly think i was involved in some sort of police sting where they lure you in with tales of lottery winnings and/or job interviews. thankfully, however, there was no two-way mirror on the wall.

my interviewer comes in and she asks me all the standard questions.

what's your best attribute? etc ...
"my eyes ... oh, and my pouty lips," i say with a smirk. ok, so that really wasn't my answer.

anyway, so there were about 15-20 questions and at the very end she asks me, "so, why should we offer you this position?" i answered without a pause and said, "because i will not disappoint you and i will get the work done."

overall i think the interview went well and i think it was obvious that i was nervous because she make a comment about it, saying, "you have nothing to be nervous about." i left there with mixed feelings ... unsure whether or not i got the job. bleh.

so on the way home i stop at 7-11 to get some cream for coffee and i see a girl i know and haven't seen for a while so her and i start talking and after about 5 minutes, i get back into my jeep and continue home. now, right before i got to 7-11 i was on the phone with terri and when my phone started ringing again after i left 7-11, i figured it was her. i answered without looking at the name. here's the conversation:

voice: may i speak to geoff?
me: this is he.
lee ann: hi, this is lee ann from [company name].
me: oh, hi. how are you?
lee ann: i'm good, how about you?
me: i'm great, thank you.
lee ann: well, geoff, the reason i'm calling is that i just talked with cara (she's the one who interviewed me) and she asked me to call you ::my heart sinks. they only call this early if you bombed the interview:: and she wanted me to offer you the position.
me: ::stunned silence:: oh, that's great! ::i finally blurt out::
lee ann: yes, when can you start?
me: as soon as possible.

so, ladies and gentle-readers ... i went into that interview, confident, assured and i apparently blew them out of the water! i mean, how often do you get called with an offer a mere 20 minutes after the interview? i wasn't even home yet! i immediately got this huge cheesy grin on my face and i've been smiling since!

i honestly think the thing that impressed her most was toward the end of the questions, she kinda giggles a little bit and goes, "ok, don't laugh when i ask this question because i have to ask everyone," and all i can think of is some sort of sexual harassment question so of course i'm thinking "i'm gay! i'm gay! i'm gay!" however, her questions did not pertain to anything of that nature.

cara: say i came up to you ::my mind is still thinking "i'm gay!":: and i need a county for an area but all i have to go on is a zip code. could you find it for me?
me: ::without a moment's hesitation:: absolutely.
cara: ::seemingly taken aback a bit at my quick response:: how would you get that information for me?
me: usps.com.
cara: ::a big grin lights up her face:: you're the first person out of my interviews who has given me that answer. you'd be surprised how many people don't know the answer to that question. very good.

it seems silly, but i think it impressed her.

so, i start wednesday and i get paid significantly more than my previous position and this job is permanent ... full time ... with benefits! it's a new company and they are expanding exponentially so there will be lots of room for growth, both with the company and its employees.

i can't even begin to describe the level of excitement i am feeling. i am completely floored, stunned, ecstatic, elated, relieved, and many many more adjectives! i feel like a ginormous rock has been lifted from my shoulders as not only will i be able to pay my rent ... with my salary increase, i'll be able to buy stuff for my place!

thank you to everyone who expressed good wishes and luck to me. it is very much appreciated!

bittersweet endings ...

as i write this post, i have less than an hour at this job and i've got mixed feelings about that. while i am glad to be leaving a place that doesn't value their employees--a place that won't fight to keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones--i'm also a bit sad as i've made a number of friends here in the 8 months that i've been employed at this location.

daisy dyke sent out an email yesterday asking if anyone would be interested in going to happy hour after work today. she told me she did this and i expected maybe 5 people to respond. well, apparently half the office plans on being there tonight and that makes me feel really good. throughout the day today i've been receiving emails--not those chain letter bullshits i usually get--wishing me well and telling me how wonderful it was to work with me; words of encouragement. i hate to admit it, but i think i teared up a couple of times. i really didn't expect any sort of outpouring such as that and it makes me feel good. nearly everyone, if not all, commented how i was able to bring a smile to their face at a place they really didn't feel like being ... how i could make them laugh.

i've always been a firm believer in that if i can brighten one person's day throughout the course of my own, then i've accomplished my own personal mission. i truly love to make people smile and it does my heart good to know that i've touched as many people here as i have ...

oh boy ... i sure hope HR doesn't read that last line!

so, the next time i manage a post at work, i'll have new people to write about and new stories to tell. hopefully i will keep up with the blog as well as i think i've done while here, as most of my postings were made while on the clock!

thank you to all the wonderful and colorful people i've had the pleasure to work with over the past 8 months. it's been real!

quick update

i totally meant to post about this yesterday when i got home from work, but i got to doing other things and i forgot.

yesterday i kinda bitched about not getting any call backs from any of the resumes i submitted and i had submitted 3 more yesterday--all to the same company ... 2 for specific positions and then 1 general submission for anything i might be qualified for--and at about 4 p.m. i get a call on my cell phone. i don't recognize the number but i answer it because hey, it may be a call about my resume. i wasn't disappointed when i picked it up and heard a sweet voice say, "may i speak to geoff [last name]?" i knew then it was a callback. yay!

so, i have a job interview on friday at 2:30 p.m. for a claims specialist with this company! wish me luck! i will definitely keep you updated as to my progress.

also, today a funny thing happened. i got called into the big boss' office and she was asking if i was putting my resume out. i nodded and told her i had a job interview on friday and she congratulated me as well as wishing me luck. however, her next words made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

big boss: i really hate that we're letting you go. i really think this is only a lull and i'd really like to have you back here on a permanent basis and if it were up to me, you wouldn't be leaving at all.

i dunno if she was only blowing smoke up my ass, but someone told me that she never says stuff like that to anyone ... that she wouldn't even piss on you to save your life if you were on fire, so for her to make a comment like that means that she is definitely impressed with me. however, my take on that is ... if you are so impressed with someone and they do a great job at work, then you work around budget issues and you keep that person and get rid of one of the many fuck-ups who don't do anything worthwhile in the company. but that's just my opinion. obviously, i'm not a CFO.

words are nice ... actions are better.

"and now for my next trick .... nothing up my sleeve ..."

this will be a short post today. i know that i haven't posted in a few days, but i have other things on my mind at the moment, so i apologize.

yesterday
yesterday, on one of my breaks, daisy dyke and i were outside having a cigarette when old skool showed up. if you're unfamiliar with old skool, she's the one who related the story of her cousin--or some relative--who stabbed her cheating hubby/boyfriend with a stiletto heel. anyway, so apparently yearly reviews came up at work and everyone is on edge as it is with all the lay offs that are going around like the plague. well, apparently old skool didn't receive a very promising review and thus had this to say about the woman who reviewed her ...

old skool: she can bite my click ... and i ain't no lesbian!

i think she meant to say 'clit' but damn, that was funny and i choked a bit laughing.

today
daisy dyke and i were out having a cigarette this morning and we're out there for about 5 minutes just chatting and whatnot when daisy stretches and i see this huge lump on her arm and was just about to ask what the hell that was when daisy screams:

daisy: what the fuck is in my sleeve?!

she reaches up inside her sleeve and gets a hold of whatever is in there and starts to pull it out. it ended up being a large washcloth and i completely lost it ... to the point that i was crying and having trouble breathing and i think i snorted a few times. she looked like some sort of magician pulling a line of hankies from her sleeve. it was damn hilarious (though i have a feeling this may be one of those 'location appreciation' jokes and you 'had to be there.') i was waiting for her to pull a rabbit out of her ass. oh ... good times ... good times indeed.

update
i talked to my contracting agency today and as of yet they don't have anything lined up for me after this contract ends. i'm a bit perturbed about this and the fact that i've heard nothing back from the numerous resumes i have submitted to various positions within various companies. ugh! i can't afford to be out of work and this is coming at a bad time. oy. i need to quickly get my taxes done so i can get something back soon.

i'm irritated and stressed beyond belief right now!

how is everyone else doing? hopefully good. has anyone ever gone to work with something else inside their clothing? i had a sock in my pant leg one time that i pulled out and got quite a laugh from co-workers at my previous job. anyone else?

just an observation ...

i like to think that i'm a fairly decent judge of character, though i do have my moments where i make a bad call ... i know, i know ... thank god these are infrequent. however ... i would like to tell you all about mark ... the 7-11 worker who covers the night shift.

if you've been reading my blog for a while, you will remember that i generally post about my [coffee bitches] and/or the locations that i stop at before work. well, this is a resurgence.

being as there are no dunkin' donuts or starbucks around where i live--or at least none that i've found--i've been forced to buy coffee from a convenience store. while this may not seem bad to some people, my palate is thoroughly disgusted with me and has threatened to leave. but i digress.

so, every morning i go into 7-11 where i usually run into mark and debbie and while debbie is a complete sweetheart, mark is her polar opposite. it's not even that he's rude, but he never seems to be having a good morning or at the very least, didn't have a good night.

me: good morning!
mark: is it? ::snidely::
me: i guess not ...
debbie: good morning. ::big smile::
mark: ::mumbling under his breath as he makes coffee:: good morning to some people.
me: ::ignores him and makes coffee::

i go up to the counter and pay for my purchases and as i go to leave i tell them to have a great day.

debbie: you too!
mark: yeah. ::snidely::

i have a distinct feeling mark is not happy with his job.

so, because of this, i'm on the verge of never getting coffee there ever again. i've seen those videos where disgruntled employees pee in a coffee pot ... am i drinking caffeinated urine? god, i hope not ... but now that that image is in my head ... i'm terrified of him. he's the guy that will pull out an ak-47 from the 'spicy bite' cabinet and mow everyone down, chanting gleefully, "oh thank heaven!"

when i talk with him he says things that, to my ears, makes no sense whatsoever, but he cackles at them as if he just farted in church and someone else got blamed. as he talks with me, i try and figure it out, but i can't tell if he's got all his teeth--i don't think he does--and he vaguely reminds me of those gold miners sucking on their gums while panning for nuggets in a river bed you see in old movies and/or cartoon representations. "thar's gold in them thar hills!"

i'm sure he's a nice guy when he's in his element, but i have a feeling his 'element' includes dueling banjo's and skinning a human alive, so i think i'd rather just see him in his 7-11's finest and be done with it.

cynicism in 2008 and "it's stuck in my head ..."

cynicism in 2008
so, a couple of weeks ago i get this email--on myspace of all places ... i could rant about myspace right now, but i don't have the strength--from this guy who says he found my profile on match.com and then subsequently on myspace ... he found me really interesting and wanted to talk to me.

well, that should be flattering, yes? however, my first thought, of course, was "stalker?" whatever, stalkers are people too! so i replied and we chatted a few times via email but he became really insistent on talking on the phone. i explained to him that i'd rather chat through email more before we progress to the phone and also that i had been on the phone numerous times that week on conference calls, etc, and the last thing i wanted to do was talk on the phone.

anyways, long story short, i finally give him my number and he called me the other night and the one thing that really sticks in my head from our conversation was his remark, "your match.com profile was really cynical, wasn't it?"

so, that just begs me to ask the question ... am i a cynical person? i'd like to think i'm not, but i think, deep down, i am. granted, i've never been a "that glass is half-empty" kinda guy, but neither have i been a "half-full" spokesperson either ... more like a "glass? we don't neeeeeed no steeeenkin' glasses!" ::spill, smash, break:: that must be my volatile side coming out, right sean?

this also makes me wonder if being the sarcastic person that i am makes me cynical. i've never really associated sarcasm with cynicism, but i can see how the two are very closely linked and, honestly, i've always just found dry humor and sarcasm more my speed. sure, i'm jaded about things ... love (that ones not hard to become jaded with) for one ... and perhaps work--in my present situation i can hardly see why i'd become jaded about that, i mean ... come on!--but i don't look at everything as if it's a bleak horizon. no ... no, in fact, i see silver linings!

sure, i'm losing my job at the end of the month, but just think of all the blogging material i could possibly get at my next place of employment. ooh, i'm all a twitter with excitement!

meh ... i dunno why that remark isn't sitting well with me and it makes me wonder if it's a guilty conscience saying "yes, indeed, mr. geoff ... you are a cynical, sarcastic asshole." ::squishes cricket::

so, i didn't make any resolutions this year for new years, but i think i just found one. try not to be so damned cynical in 2008 ...

... i'll probably give this resolution up like i have every other year.

"it's stuck in my head ..."
you ever get a song stuck in your head and you just can't get rid of it? then you get that one jackass who's like, "oh, you should sing it out loud ... that always helps." shut up and give me some better advice. honestly, i can't remember the last time a song got stuck in my head this long since paula abdul's "opposites attract" when i was a kid and i broke out into an unrehearsed rendition in my bedroom to quench those raging fires.

i take 2 steps forward
i take 2 steps back
we come together
cuz opposites attract
and you know,
it ain't fiction
just a natural fact
we come together
cuz opposites attract

i. am. so. gay.

so, anyway, recently i've had various songs from the "rent" soundtrack stuck in my head and so i've been listening to it on my ipod and i finally got to the song that was stuck in my head and i did something that i normally don't do, because it seems rather inane to me ... when the song ended, i hit the back button ... and then i did it again ... and again ... folks, i've listened to this same song like 7 times in a row now! what is wrong with me?? i seriously never do that. when i'm done with a song, i'm more than happy to move on to the next one. oy. i'm losing my shit!

anyways, just had to tell you all about that!

[puffy hearts!]

another year older ... another year ... wiser?

well, this weekend certainly was fun.

as i stated in a previous post, my birthday plans revolved around 'fogo,' where i could eat my weight in meat, though for the record, i'm pretty sure i only ate about the weight of a 5 year old child. i was surrounded by wonderful friends and family: jamie, steven, terri, paul, jackson, kristen, bob, my father and his partner, paul. of course, my father and paul complained a lot because that's what they do. they both, along with steven's paul, got the salad bar, but that didn't stop them from criticizing the small portions of meat that we were being served off the swords. but what they don't realize is that you keep getting small portions and small portions and small portions until you have this huge block of beef wedged somewhere between your esophagus and your sphincter.

so, after i gorged myself on cows and pigs, i felt like unbuckling my belt, undoing my pants button and just sitting there, hand positioned inside the waist of my jeans ala al bundy from 'married with children.' however, i still wanted one last slice of bottom sirloin which, in my opinion, is the choicest cut at fogo and simply melts in your mouth. so, i wait and i wait and finally some 'authentic' gaucho chef with a fake accent comes by with a haunch of meat and i perk up. "right here, please." after serving jamie a chunk, he comes over to me and cuts me off a nice thick slab. funny, that doesn't look like bottom sirloin. i'm really not sure what gave it away ... perhaps it was the giant blood clot in the center of the meat, all jellied and thoroughly vomitous. "no thank you," i say as i force the piece of meat onto jackson's plate. even he couldn't eat it and that's saying something! apparently, it was lamb and not my bottom sirloin and as most of my friends know, i positively abhor lamb. ugh. a few minutes later i had my bottom sirloin and then i was done. fin. caput. finito. nein. all those good negative words from foreign languages that people use. i will be honest, though. as much as i thoroughly enjoyed the restaurant, i don't think it was quite as good as the one in d.c. the service was rather lackluster and even the meat selections seemed a bit thin. i'd still recommend this restaurant to anyone, though, and disclaim that you really can only go here about once every 6 months to a year. it's THAT MUCH MEAT!

(ok, now that i made mrs.twink sick with that last paragraph ...)

so, after fogo we head over to the central for some drinkage. i see a few people i know but not everyone who is supposed to be there when "buzz buzz buzz" my phone vibrates. well, look'ee here. mrs.twink has decided to puss out and not come to celebrate my birthday with me. how sweet of her. ::grumble grumble::

i tease. i know that mr. and mrs.twink can't hang with the big dogs. it's all good. they're married and old and fall asleep at 8 p.m. watching the news and sitting on the sofa, her crocheting, him jingling the change in his pocket ... it's all well and good. seriously, though. i'm sorry they couldn't make it out as i love them to pieces and would really have liked to see them, but i can seriously understand just being far too tired to do anything and i really will not hold it against them. totally heart you, mr. and mrs.twink!

i had a great time friday night and i met some nice people as well as saw some old friends i haven't seen in a while. i didn't get terribly drunk, but i did have a hangover all day saturday, so i stayed in my PJs and watched tv and passed in and out of consciousness.

ok, so today i did something stupid, hence the question mark after 'wiser' in my post title. i go online at bge.com to pay my bill and i select my bank account where the money is to be drawn out of and i hit the pay button, not realizing that i didn't change the amount i wanted to pay. mind you, i made a previous payment of $71.56 earlier this month and the bill that is still active, still shows the total amount. for some reason payments made do not reflect on the total due until after the due date is up and everything is tallied. oy! so, stupid geoffrey today makes an additional payment of $171.56 (it's high because my first 2 bills are combined) so i've basically paid an addition $71.56 over what i owe. dammit!

i called bge to see if they could cancel that payment and i get some shit about "oh, well, since the payment is scheduled to come out today, we can't stop it. had you scheduled it for a future date, we'd be able to make changes to the amount." meh, 'fuck you! wes gotz ur dollers!' basically. i hate them, but it is my own stupid fault, so ... oh well. at least i'll have a credit for next month, so i guess it all evens out.

in case you're wondering, i did call my bank to see if they could stop the auto-payment but they couldn't guarantee that they could stop it and they'd have to change me $30 to try, even if it doesn't stop. meh. screw that. i'll just let the payment go through and save myself the hassle and $30.

people in history who share my birthday!

ya, ya, i know ... a second post for today ... what can i say. just make sure you read today's actual blog.

1736: James Watts, Scottish 'steam' inventor

1737: Jacques-Henri Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, French author

1807: Robert E. Lee, American Civil War general

1809: Edgar Allen Poe, American author and poet

1839: Paul C麡nne, French painter (meh, i dunno what that little square is in his name.)

1943: Janis Joplin, American rock singer

1946: Dolly Parton, US country singer and film actress

i've known about edgar allen poe for a long time, but robert e lee? cool! and dolly parton?! omg, no wonder i love her!

"miss scarlet! miss scarlet! i don't know nuffin' about birfin' no geoffreys!"

tomorrow marks a momentous day in history, but first let's give a little back story ...

woman meets man ... they fall in love ... they do that thing that men and women do (ick ... breeder sex!) ... before long there's a twinkle in someone's eye ... the woman gets fat and POW! out comes a screaming alien-esque thing ... all squirmy ... covered in ick ... apparently it did something bad because the doctor smacked it ... waaaaah!

and there you have it. the wonderful process of my birth. isn't that sweet?

ok, so tomorrow is my birthday and before you all ask, i'll be 29 ... again. ask me 10 years from now and i'll tell you the same. so, the celebration starts tonight and i'm being taken out for my birthday and i am so excited! we're going to this amazing restaurant called 'Fogo de Chão,' a brazilian steakhouse that, after my first visit, became one of my favorite places to indulge my appetite in some meat!

when you first get to your table you're asked--by one of the many friendly wait staff flitting about--"have you ever been to our establishment before?" or something similar, meaning they have a certain way in which the food is served. you'll get the same question when going to 'the melting pot'. anyway, they go on to explain that at each place setting is a little circular card--red on one side, green on the other--which you utilize to let the wait staff know you're in the mood for more.

red means: stop ... i need a break ... i think i'm dying! ...

green means: bring out the meat! i know, i know ... i had the card red before but i just needed a small break ... no, no, i'm not dying ... it may have just been gas ... I WANT MEAT!!!! just drop the entire haunch in my lap and leave me be! bring out the jester! i crave entertainment!! where are my vassals! god, i love being king!

i love this place! you don't even have to talk! just keep cramming food into your mouth and when you want more, there's no, "please sir ... more?" hell no, you just flip that card and viola! meat magically appears at your side, sliced there at the table and you grab it with tongs and place it on your plate. yay for gluttony!

ok, so, the meat is amazing here and i definitely recommend the top and bottom sirloin. it simply melts in your mouth and you can't quite get enough. there are many other variations of dead animal to partake of and they even have chicken and pork at times.

however, if you're not that into meat--believe me, i know how it is ... i went almost 9 years without red meat, only eating chicken and fish, but Fogo de Chão lured me into its meaty web and then inducted me into their red-delicious cult--there is an amazing salad bar which is bigger than my bedroom and has so much scrumptious food ranging from smoked salmon to fresh cold white asparagus to huge chunks of parmesan cheese to, well ... lettuce. it's worth it to go simply for the salad bar.

the best part of all of this .... yup, all you can eat!

BRING. IT. ON!

ok, so ... enough about meat ... scrumptious ... mouth watering ... meaty meat ...

::shakes head::

ok, so ... wow ... um, after dinner we're heading out to the central station pub, a local gay bar in baltimore, for a little bit o' the drink. hopefully, with all that meat floating around in my gut, i won't get too polluted too quickly. however, if i do ... i don't recommend anyone coming to hold my hair back when i puke ... can't imagine how that will look!

the best part of the evening, however, will be the fact that i will be in the company of some of the very best people that money can buy ... oh, wait, i mean ... that i've been fortunate enough to have been graced with. i definitely like to surround myself with great people and i think that i've certainly accomplished that and i'm very, very thankful for them and i honestly don't know what i would do without them. they absolutely make me a better person.

i love you guys and girls!

"food, poisonous food! ...

cramps and rectal dysfunction!" ~ sung to the tune of "food, glorious food" from oliver!

yesterday at work i began feeling peckish and by the time lunchtime rolled around, i was nearly ravenous. i went out and got some friend chicken fingers, some cajun fries and a couple mozzarella sticks. mind you i don't eat fried foods often, but for some reason i was craving. a couple hours later my stomach started to feel a bit queasy, but nothing major. it happens sometimes if i drink too much coffee ... no big deal. by the end of my work day, however, i wasn't feeling too hot, but i wasn't at the point of purge yet.

once i got home i tried to watch tv for a bit but just couldn't focus so i lay down instead, falling right out. i've been pretty exhausted lately. at around 3 o'clock this morning i woke up with stomach cramps and pretty severe nausea so i camped out in the bathroom. now, i won't enlighten you all with the details, but let me just say that work wasn't even an option today and a little after 6 a.m. i called out sick. right now i'm sitting on my sofa, watching tv (some DVRd shows) and sipping some hot tea. ugh. i feel like poo.

which actually brings me to the point of this post. don't let the title fool you. this isn't about me being sick, but i thought it was a nice segue.

as i stated, i'm watching shows that i have DVRd and every now and then a television show comes along and just absolutely wows me! examples include, but are not limited to: scrubs, the office, lost, heroes, 30 rock and a few others. recently i fell in love with a new television show that, i believe, is in its second season though for me it's season number 1. i am kicking myself in the ass now for not having found this show earlier because it is amazingly funny, witty, endearing at times and just altogether a very entertaining 30 minutes.

'notes from the underbelly' has definitely found a place in my top favorite shows and if you haven't seen it yet then i heartily recommend it. it comes on monday nights 9:30/8:30 central and it. is. amazing!

still getting laid ... off

this is kind of an update post.

it's still looking like i'm being let go at the end of the month though i was told in confidence--and yet i share it with the internet world ... hmm--that my name was brought up in a discussion regarding a new overflow project that is being implemented here. whether or not i will be chosen to be in this group and thus my departure delayed, i have no idea, but i'm not sure that i want to even be associated with this place anymore. it's like dangling a piece of beef in front of a dog and then yanking it away as he goes to snap for it. no thanks.

i'm still working on my resume, but i'm waiting for job descriptions from my boss regarding the many different departmental voids that i've been very flexible enough to fill. i mean, i know what i did and i know how to write it out, however, it wouldn't be in layman's terms which ends up not being too impressive on a resume. i know that resumes are about selling yourself--which i am bad at--but not with terms no one understands.

"yes, i'm a flugalbinder* operative on a misanthropic collusion of various confidential misogynistic variables of increasing duration and quasi-problematic solutions to exothermic resolutions."

meh ... just so you know, i'm not misogynistic in the least and as for that other shit ... can you guess that i made that up? it sounded damn impressive, yes? but if you were a potential employer looking at that on my resume, i have a distinct feeling you'd think i was blowing smoke up your ass, which, if i ever had that on my resume ... you'd be correct. now, i've had a couple people request my resume and i'm looking into opportunities with another health group basically expanding on everything that i've learned and been able to accomplish here but honestly, anywhere i go i will pick up the job very quickly as i'm a fast learner and a self-starter and a go-getter, dammit.

so, anyway ... there's the update. now for the rest of the post:

lately i've come to the realization of a couple of things. the first is that i'm getting old. yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's happening ... to me of all people. i know, i know ... how can i grow old? it's a mystery, yes. my peter pan syndrome is waning and my happy thoughts are being replaced with responsible ones. my normally youthful exuberance is now mutating into a matured, yet lighthearted, demeanor.

also, my birthday is this saturday and i'm turning the big 32 (22 in gay years) so that's kinda hitting home. soon it'll be to the point that i'm closer to 40 than i am 30 and i think i could snap. dunno yet. i have a few years to grow accustomed to the idea ... and you all have a few years to purchase body armor and other protective gear and barricade your homes. i can't control myself when i'm in 'the rage.' rawr! i'll post more about my birthday in a later post as we're going to one of my very favorite restaurants. woot.

the second thing i've come to realize lately is that i'm a vehicle racist. there, i've said it. i don my jeep hood and go around burning other cars. ok, maybe not to that extent, but i do notice that i will have no qualms about cutting off a vehicle or not letting someone in when they clearly have a yield sign. and if they cut me off, i usually curse and rant and rave, the whole 8 yards--the 9th yard would be me running them off the road.

however, if i see a jeep that needs to get over, i will get out and redirect traffic if i have to. oh, i'm going 65 mph but you need to get on the highway? sure, come on over! ::break slam:: a jeep cuts me off, i smile and wave and mouth "you're welcome." you see, jeep drivers have a thing ... it's a 'jeep thing' if you've ever seen the bumper stickers and it's so true. if i see a jeep on the side of the road with their flashers on, i will stop and help, even if they look like drug addled crazed lunatics carrying axes and shotguns, leaning against the driver's side door, a hockey mask pulled down over their face.

"hi. jeep trouble?"

meh ... so, i've admitted it and i don't care who knows it anymore. judge me if you must, i'm gay so i'll judge right back! bring it! it's already been broughten!

sorry for this rather weird post. i'm zooming on like 4 cups of coffee already and it's only 9:45 am. aside from my heart pounding out of my chest, i'm in the bathroom far more than i'm not. i think i'll bring my computer in there.

[puffy heart]

*if you can tell me what a flugalbinder is, you win a gold star!