the not-so-surprise surprise!

this past saturday was jamie's birthday and to celebrate, we decided to throw jamie a party that wasn't really a surprise party, as he knew that we were doing something ... however, he didn't know the specifics ... that is, until an individual divulged the information to him on friday night.

::frowny face::

apparently, friday night, jamie went out and got completely polluted to the point that he wasn't able to talk without throwing up everywhere. it was very linda blair of him and i think at one point, he shoved a crucifix up his piche, shouting profanities. regardless ... come saturday morning, he wasn't feeling too hot and for some reason, threw the phone away when i asked him if he was hungry for "some greasy fried eggs and a glass of bacon fat." i don't get it.

all that aside, we decided to go ahead as planned and i met up with terri at tom's house at around 1:30/1:45 ... i was supposed to be there at 1, but i hit oriole's traffic and that screwed me up a bit. she and i hit the party store first ... we picked up a huge unicorn balloon, ala 'charlie the unicorn,' a pretty pink birthday princess balloon and finally a balloon that stated in simple terms ... "birthday's suck." truer words were never spoken. we also grabbed two bunches of balloons in the colors of the rainbow (pride, baby!) and some crepe paper (also in the colors of the rainbow), a birthday tiara and a pin that read: birthday girl. yay!

we then hit up the grocery store and bought the necessary supplies and then finally the liquor store to pick up essentials and finally we were ready to head back to the house and start decorating.

we wound the crepe paper around the columns separating tom's kitchen area and the living room area and hung a swath of crepe paper in an upside down rainbow between the columns ... it looked like the gay prom.

jamie arrived shortly after we finished decorating and the party began. jamie, of course, was swearing up and down he wasn't going to drink and started off with a bottle of water then later had a gin and tonic (i believe) which he nursed for-ev-er. meanwhile, everyone was clamoring to get jamie to do a shot which he readily refused until the 'slippery nipple' shots arrived and he was coerced into doing one.

quite a few people showed up and i was so happy to see everyone. i'll try and give a rundown of who came:

jamie (of course!)
tom (it's his house, afterall!)
myself (geoff)
terri
steven
paul
mrs.twink
the mr.
aaron
bob
bill
kristen
jackson
michael
doug (and their son, owen)
sherri
angela
leo
kristin
fisherman dave

i think i've forgotten someone, but i can't think of who it might be right now. it's monday morning ... i'm always slow on mondays.

we had an amazing time and i certainly hope jamie did too! i wish we could have done more for him as he deserves it. jamie does so much for so many people and he is an amazing guy and a friend to many (usually in the club when he's snogging half the attendees!)

i love you, jamie, and hope you had a great birthday!!

happy birthday, jamie!

32 years ago, today, jamie flew out of his mama in a swirl of pink glitter and rainbow-colored flying ponies! on that day, the heterosexual world lost a 9 month battle in which they tried to shape jamie into one of their kind ... and the gay world gained an ally. yay us!

happy birthday, jamie!!

i hope you have an amazing day and get all that you want! love you, boy!

"she's only friends with him because he's gay ..."

recently it was brought to my attention, by daisy dyke, that another co-worker of ours questioned daisy's friendship with me.

big and mismatched: why are you friends with geoff?
daisy dyke: because he and i click. he's a great guy, why?
big: why aren't you friends with [tall, black and gay]?
daisy: why? because he's gay?
big: yeah.
daisy: i don't see him as often as i see geoff. and it has nothing to do with him being gay. ::rolls eyes::
big: well, i just find it odd that you and geoff are such good friends.
daisy: why?
big: you just met him.
daisy: and your point?

so, apparently big and mismatched thinks that the only reason daisy dyke and i are friends is because i'm gay and she's a lesbian, because, you know that's what gays do. i personally think she's just jealous because even in her wildest dreams, she'll never be as fabulous as i am.

---

something totally unrelated. i woke up to another infomercial today ... this is the best thing i have ever heard someone say on one of them:

old man: i took it out back and smashed it against a tree trunk a few times and it still worked.

the old man who said this is referring to the 'cobra stun light' ... it has three functions to stop an attacker:

• it's a flashlight with 3 high powered LED lights which create a blinding effect making it extremely difficult for your attacker to see you and thus disorienting him.
• when you push a button a red laser shoots out and looks like the sights of a gun and psychologically scares it's intended target
• and finally, if that doesn't work and a perpetrator continues to approach, you push another button and a high powered narrow stream of highly concentrated pepper spray shoots out from the center of the flashlight and (using the laser as a guide) is accurate for up to 20 feet!

I WANT ONE!!!!!

americans just got lazier ...

this morning, just like most mornings, i woke up to infomercials. usually is the whole 'no money down' house flipping schemes or the 'you can cook a small baby in under 12 minutes' home appliances, however, today i was greeted with a sight that i found completely laughable.

introducing ... the aerogarden!!

this wondrous hunk of plastic and stainless steel affords people the opportunity to create a garden in the home with virtually no effort. it sits on your counter top and you fill the basin with water; you replace the top and insert the veggie or herb cups (your choice) and then you "set it ... and forget it!" (ok, so that's the ronco cooker.) it uses aeroponics and your veggies or herbs grow in half the time it would take something to grow in vitamin enriched soils. it even turns the light on and off automatically to simulate sunlight and beeps and flashes when you need to either add water or the nutrient tablets. a lazy man's wet dream!

it's no wonder that americans are fat and lazy ... now they don't even have to go outside! you can grow all your food indoors without even setting foot in the sun and become huge, pallid white slugs waiting until you hear that ding!

well, guess my lettuce is done! my preeeeeeeeeciousssssssssss.

but be on the lookout for more wonderful items of note.

items i'm waiting for:

• the 'beef and pork garden.' ~ just add water, turn on the light and voila, fresh beef or pork in days, all grown without heads or internal organs for easy preparation.


• the 'travel aerogarden.' ~ just pop it in your purse and let it grow. within days you'll be pulling cherry tomatoes from your prada and munching on the go!

let the stars shine!

mrs.twink recently blogged about her birthday brunch and mentioned a photo montage. the papparazzi were everywhere!! god, it's so hard to be fabulous!

(oh, wait ... we were our own papparazzi ... oh well.)

here are the pics that i promised in a previous blog as well as the ones mrs.twink mentioned ... enjoy!

blue steel montage

(i didn't say we were good at it!)

coked out!

(i especially love mrs.twink's lazy eye.)

frightened!

no .. we're not lushes .. i swear. so what if it's just after noon and i'm already on my 5th bloody mary and she's on her 7th mimosa. we're not lushes i swea-- ::passes out::

ok ... who farted?

dirty little secrets.

i totally love this woman. ::sniffle:: you. complete. me.

(mrs.twink: 5 words for you ... you had me at herro.)

(author's note: ok, for the record i would like to state that i completely hate the formatting tools when dealing with pictures! everytime i upload a picture it totally fucks up my spacing and centering and god only know what else! argh! blogspot, do something to fix it.)

guilty pleasure ...

ok, some of you will probably be like ... "ewww."

however ... is it bad that my favorite part of having a small bag of pretzels is the remaining salt left behind at the bottom of the bag? it's so delicious and seems so forbidden to eat it. i look around my cubicle to make sure i am not being watched before i upend the bag into my mouth. mmm, salty yummy goodness. do they have 12 step programs for salt addictions?

me: hello, my name is geoff. i ... i ... ::breaks down in tears:: i am a saltiholic.
everyone: hi geoff!

overheard at the copier

this is a conversation held between big and tattooed and vivi. vivi is a team leader in my department while big and tattooed is just that ... big and tattooed. she's borderline redneck, though recently she got another tattoo that rather pushes her over the edge into the muddy pig pen i like to call, "tornado-bait trailer trash." her new tattoo is a rather precise representation of a glock .9mm handgun located on the outside of her upper right thigh. it stands approximately 7 inches high and sits back and slightly beneath words that go something like ... "for all the sins i've committed," or something like that. the reason i know that it is on her upper thigh is because the day after she got it, she was using a hair clip to hold her dress up so it wouldn't fall into the ointment she had slathered on. klassy.

caught in mid-conversation:

big and tattooed (bat): yeah, so she went behind my back.
vivi: ::acknowledging grunt::
bat: can you believe that? she went behind my back and got my fiancee's number from one of his friends and then called him in jail. i mean, who does that?

(author's note: please make note that her fiancee is in jail. i've talked to her about this and he won't be out until late 2008. i wonder if they'll get married before then and have the reception in the 'yard' or the 'mess hall.' at least there will be plenty of men there to choose from for best man ... and maid of honor.)

vivi: that's really messed up.
bat: i know. he told me the other day that she had called and she wants to come visit him.
vivi: what?
bat: yeah, i know. you don't call a girl's fiancee ... no, you don't visit a girl's fiancee while he's locked up. that just ain't right.
vivi: it's not.
bat: i'm going to go up into the catskills and find this mountain woman and knock her two teeth out. call my fiancee behind me back. i'll kick her ass.
vivi: mountain woman?
bat: yeah, she lives up in the mountains. i found her on myspace. she doesn't know i know where she is.

and that's pretty much it. not much else to write about their conversation as that was the juiciest piece. bat has many of these snippets of enlightening redneck conversations ... i only wish i would have kept track before i started this blog.

p.s. i just heard this as i was about to publish the post and it's perfect:

bag-lady (the bag-lady cometh ...): i even wore shoes today ... i'm miserable.

my god, people. you can't make this shit up. this is my work environment.

objects in mirror may be closer than they ap--HOLY SHIT!! (subtitled: jesus obeys all traffic laws ...)

this is a two parter. (these two stories are pretty much unrelated, but they do share a common thread.)

part 1
while on the way home from work yesterday, i watched as a little silver honda civic darted in and around traffic, much like a cockroach might when you attempt to step on him. quick, agile and able to fit into small places.

if anyone is familiar with rt. 170 heading toward odenton, there are several places where the lanes merge from two to one and before one such merge, a large tanker truck decided that this little cockroach of a vehicle was irritating him and thus, started pacing him while still two lanes. the little civic would speed up and attempt to pass the truck, but much to his chagrin, the truck had also sped up and would not let him in. i bet this infuriated the roach.

as the merge neared, the civic made another attempt and this time succeeded ... however, the truck was right on his ass. almost literally. there couldn't have been enough room to walk between them had they been at a standstill and all i saw next was a huge plume of smoke as the tanker truck slammed on its brakes. my first thought is: shit, jack-knife. my second thought is: i think i am about to witness vehicular manslaughter. the tires are stiff and skipping along the road and the smoke is thick and white and the smell of burnt rubber is strong. i slow way down, because, hey ... i don't want in on this.

i start laughing. i think it's a nervous reaction ... or maybe i was hoping for carnage. i don't know. regardless, the civic made it out alive, the truck continued on it merry way and the other motorists--like myself--just shook their heads. the one thing that i did find hilarious in all of this was the sticker on the back of the tanker truck that was from the movie 'dogma' and pictured jesus winking and giving a thumbs up.

apparently he approves.

part 2
does it say anywhere in the bible that you must obey all traffic laws? i mean, i've read the book, though i have certainly failed to commit much of it to memory. the whole leviticus 20:13 doesn't do it for me.

it seems like every time i find myself behind a slow person either on the highway or any road in particular, they have bumper stickers professing their love for christ. i mean, that's great ... you have faith in something ... yay for you, but seriously? get the fuck out of my way. i have places to go.

today i got stuck behind a mini-van with a bumper sticker that read: jesus is the answer. really?

what's the question?

math problem:
2 + 2 = jesus

word problem:
train1 weighing 20 tons is going 60 miles an hour west, while train2 weighing 35 tons is heading east, calculate the speed at which train2 must be travelling for both to meet in san pedro ... answer: jesus.

i hate most bumper stickers, but religious ones really piss me off for some reason. i don't hate jesus, don't get me wrong, i just hate people who are fanatic enough to emblazon their vehicle with praise to the lord. seriously? keep it in church.

if you have any memorable religious bumperstickers, let me know. i'd like to see some of them and laugh.

some that i recall:

• jesus is the answer
• god is my co-pilot
• god is great

brunch ... is it breakfast? is it lunch? no ... it's alcohol.

first ...
happy birthday, mrs.twink!!!

second ...
sunday morning i arrived at jamie's house at a little before 10:30 a.m. he was off running errands for a few minutes when i arrived so i pulled out my new book and continued where i left off (yes, i brought harry potter with me ... i'm that much of a nerd).

so, he gets home and we pile into his car and head on down to this place--i can't for the life of me think of the name right now ... ugh, it's monday. give me a break!--to celebrate mrs.twink's birthday in the form of brunch. we were informed, previously, that for the price of $13.95 you got bottomless mimosas and bloody marys ... oh, and some food ... but the drinks? um, yeah, my kind of brunch.

so, we pull up and there is a line already forming with about 25-30 people in it ... all wearing board shorts or something similar ... all looking like college kids ready for spring break. jaime and i stayed in the car until we saw at least one person we recognized which happened to be suzanna (one of mrs.twink's bridesmaids). so we get out of the car and wait in line and it started moving. we go in, find a table at the back of the warehouse sized room and sit, awaiting the arrival of the guest of honor.

mrs.twink and the mr. arrive shortly after and there's lots of hugging, many 'happy birthday!'s and even a few gropes (thanks, mr.!). we sit back down and one of the waitresses--who resembles a hooter's girl--brings over several pitchers of bloody mary, followed shortly after by several pitchers of mimosas. this is how i like to start my sunday ... praise jesus.

i pour myself one, adding tabasco for that kick--btw, i'm feeling it this morning ... story for another day ... maybe--and begin drinking. mmm, it's like red gold with a spicy kick. it tasted pretty weak, however, but i figured since i had a pitcher of it pretty much to myself, i was sure to get my daily intake of vodka in breakfast form.

hooter chick comes back around and takes our breakfast orders and in the intervening time we all talked and caroused and had a glorious time. a game of musical chairs commenced as new people arrived and people who where already there, moved to different spots to sit with their friends who just came in, thus forcing the rest of us to slide down the length of the table to fit and fill the space. this happened at least twice.

the food arrives ... it's ok. i didn't get bacon and i really wanted bacon. bacon is my crack, sometimes. here's a conversation between myself, rob and jen.

me: i love bacon.
rob: oh yeah, man! me too.
jen: mmm.
me: i would fill a bathtub with bacon and just soak in it.
rob: oh definitely. fill it up!
theresa: raw or cooked?
me: cooked, definitely. when you cook it, you bring out the delicious saltiness.
rob: i'd lay in the tub and have someone just pour it all over me.
me: and then eat my way out.
jen: you'd die.
me: i'd die happy.

after we ate, people got up and started milling about and chatting with other guests. i was well into my 5th bloody mary at this point and i was feeling slightly buzzed ... and healthy with all that tomatoey goodness ... licopene!!!

it was at this point that mrs.twink and i became two retards posing for the camera. you know how you can tell small children and mentally handicapped people what to do and 9 out of 10 times they'll do it? yeah, that was mrs.twink and i.

jamie: look angry!
me: ::angry face::
mrs.twink: ::mildly irritated face::
jamie: geoff, i said angry, not constipated!!

i love jamie!

me: i get angry when i'm constipated! i'll never eat cheese again!

several other emotions followed: surprised, happy, confused, scared ... all performed by the two jesters ... mrs.twink and i. (author's note: i do have pictures and will add them.)

2 more bloody marys later: i'm now taking close up shots of mrs.twink's face to make one of those creepy piece-by-piece photos. we'll see how that turns out. mrs.twink looks at me and says, "geoff .. you and i are such nerds!" she's right. we're weird.

one of the highlights of the brunch, however, was when mrs.twink succeeded in eating her own fist. i. was. amazed. then the mr. tried ... his jaw doesn't unhinge like mrs.twink's does. i've seen her eat whole goats in one long swallow. it's rather impressive. i have photo evidence of this feat and will post it.

after brunch (which at this point at around 2:30 p.m.) we head over to hers and the mr.'s house to have some cake, which was amazing! the raspberry filling was to die for ... the icing was good too, but was really rich and difficult to eat in one sitting. we chilled out there for several minutes before jamie and i had to head out. ah, i had a great time!

i adore jamie and mrs.twink so much and i am so happy that we were able to share her birthday with her! there isn't much i wouldn't do for that woman, my god. i don't think i even ever said that when i was straight!

the weekend ... uneventful ... or was it?

ah, this weekend was relaxing for me as i basically did nothing. friday night, i think i talked on the phone with a few people and that's about it. saturday, well, i did basically the same thing until about 1 o'clock when the mail arrived. that's right, bitches ... harry potter has landed!

i gathered up my harry potter gear and got dressed to the nines! i sported my very chic wizarding dress robes, put on my not-so-chic potter glasses, carved a scar into my head with a butter knife, and wielded a slightly curved--and somewhat overused--wand made from birch tree and feline anal glands. the trip to the mailbox was uneventful and i was not beset upon by death eaters or overly curious muggles, though i was certainly prepared, and somewhat dismayed that i wasn't able to use my powers. ah, such is life.

i was going to write about sunday in this blog, but seeing as i adore her so much, mrs.twink gets her own blog today.

2 in 1 day and only mere minutes apart!!

this blog posting is in response to mrs.twink's blog where-in she calls me the spokesperson for homosexuals (see: the list keeps growing) and regarding the 'maxi-pad' comment.

you see, yesterday at work, mo' money came up to me and got all secretive and informs me she has a question to ask me. i'm like, ok, shoot.

mo' money: is it true that when gay men have sex they need to wear maxi-pads the next day?
me: ::blank stare::
me: ::disgusted face::
me: um, where the hell did you hear that?
mo' money: [co-worker] told me that her gay cousin said that.
me: um, that's news to me.
mo' money: so it's not true?
me: ::blank stare:: yes, it's true ... i get it in the rear so much i have to use heavy flow pads.

i pause.

me: no, it's not true .. jesus.

then later i got asked by two different women what it was like to have a 'one night stand'. are you kidding me? who the fuck am i, susan johannsen? apparently i am the know all/be all of gay knowledge.

hope that clarifies a bit.

last night we went greek ...

get your minds out of the gutter ... i didn't do anyone in the bum last night.

no, last night i had a dinner date with mrs.twink--which was planned earlier in the week--and we were going to 'samos,' a greek restaurant near where she and the mr. live. so the plan is to meet at 5 pm at her placeand then she and i would walk to the restaurant. so, i arrive at her place and the first thing i notice is the throng of people milling about outside on the sidewalk by where she lives, all of them in varying degrees of trashiness from the white trash to the greek mafia. luckily, her door is riiiiiiiight there and i can just step in and ... yay! air-conditioned haven!

ok, so, when i get there she's putting a load in the laundry and as soon as she's done we head out the door. remember those people i was talking about? yup, they're still there, though far fewer than before. as we begin walking you hear lots of noise ... people shouting, hammers hammering, music blaring, babies crying ... it's a scene out of a movie where you are walking down a dank alley in NYC, smoke billowing up from steam vents, and all you hear is background noise ... cars passing, music somewhere in the distance, babies crying, women getting beat, gunshots ...

so, anyway ... we pass this one house with the door standing wide open and there's a white trash dad who's yelling at his 3 or 4 year old daughter to "get back in this house!" as she stands in the doorway of her home wearing only her daddy's moth-eaten 'big johnson' t-shirt, her face covered in filth, and scratching herself in various locations on her body. ::averts eyes:: mrs.twink walks by all this without falter.

we pass all the relocated dundalk trash and make our way to the main street and she informs me she needs to get money from the atm. fine, get money ... i'm paying for dinner though, i think. so, as we're walking to the atm, our hands brush up against one another.

::awkward moment::

do i hold her hand? do i pretend it didn't happen? what do i do? she looks into my eyes and i into hers and our lips meet and we, wait ... no, that didn't happen ... so, she gets money out and we go to the restaurant.

we each ordered the vegekabob (but i got mine with chicken!) and a sampler that had tzatziki sauce (delicious!), some sort of pepper hummus, mushroom hummus, calamata olive paste (delicious!) and, i guess, salmon hummus? all of them were tasty--the tzatziki and olive being my favorite--except the salmon stuff. i took a small bite because i wanted to just try it at least. it was a pink cream-cheesy consistency laced with salmon roe and at first it had no flavor ... then suddenly i got hit in the face with a baseball bat of fishiness. it was gross. if i wasn't gay and classy i would have spit it out, but since i am, i swallowed. (mind ... gutters ... get out!) throughout dinner we talked about everything and we even gossipped a bit! ::gasp!:: i know ... a gay man and a woman gossiping?! it can't happen! say it isn't so! but yes, we did some gossiping. not about any of our friends, mind you ... a lot of it pertained to people we work with. it was fun.

after dinner i pull out my card to pay for the meal and mrs.twink stops me.

mrs.twink: i got this, geoff.
me: no, i'm going to pay.
mrs.twink: no, i want to get this.
me: i've got my card out already.
mrs.twink: hah! they only take cash.
me: you're lying.
mrs.twink: bet me.
me: ok, i bet you the cost of this meal.

i sat there with a smug look on my face because i knew i would win. i mean, who doesn't take credit cards at a restaurant. this was in the bag. the waitress arrives and i go to hand her my card.

waitress: oh, we only take cash. there's an atm back through the bathrooms.

score:
mrs.twink: 1
geoff: 0

after she paid we went back to her place where i was able to peruse her wedding album. oh. my. god. it. is. amazing. i loved it! it was very nicely done! while i was looking through it, the mr. came home from home depot and mrs.twink and i watched as he and marshall lugged heavy boxes of floor tiles into the house. (i would have offered to help, but heavy lifting? i don't think so.) the mr. started to sweat ... you're right jamie ... yum.

afterward we watched the tail end of "hey paula" and then mrs.twink introduced me to another show that i will be watching ... "scott baio is 45 ... and single" omg, talk about child star tragedy! he's pathetic and the show was like a train wreck ... i couldn't tear my eyes away. i enjoyed it very much and i shall set up my dvr to record it. thank you, mrs.twink.

so, in conclusion, dinner was great, the company was greater and the wedding album was fabulous! i had a great time, even when petey french kissed me, and i can't wait to do it again (w/o the doggie tongue action.) i adore mrs.twink, not only for her beauty and charm, but for her sadistic gossipy side and winning personality!

(author's note: mrs.twink's neighborhood really isn't all that bad. i'm just really good at finding the bad things about places and people and exploiting them. wonder gay powers ... activate!)

bad coffee and dinner dates ...

seriously? how difficult is it to make coffee? i can understand people adding too many coffee grounds to a filter and making the coffee too strong or the exact opposite ... not enough grounds and thus brewing brown water with no hint of caffeine. but when you have everything pre-made and all you have to do is add sugar, cream and ice ... how can you fuck that up?

meet mallory. mallory works at dunkin' donuts and is about as useful as tits on a bull. she's the girl that stands around with her thumb up her ass when there are 12 people in line waiting for coffee and the other employee is rushing like mad to get everyone's order and take care of the drivethru. she stands there, her arms folded across her chest, a look of ... i don't know ... defiance? confusion? it's hard to tell with her.

this morning i was the only customer--which is generally the case at 5:30 a.m. when i go in there--and i tell her my order. a large hazelnut iced coffee, extra cream, extra sugar. easy, right? that involves a large cup, ice, some of that liquid sugar, cream and the ready-made coffee in the chilled receptacle. everything appears to be going well ... she's got the cup ... she adds the ice ... so far so good. she adds the sugar and the cream and i remind her at this point to not forget the hazelnut (i've had experience with this dimwitted employee before). i get my coffee and pay and mallory enlightens me to the fact that tomorrow is her last day. she is going to pursue other things that she decides she'll like better than working at dunkin' donuts. gee, there's more to life than working at dunkin' donuts? get out! she proceeds to tell me she is going to be a bartender. good for her!

i take a sip of my coffee as i walk out the door ... i feel sorry for the patrons at the bar she is going to work at.

moving on ...

so, tonight i have dinner plans with mrs.twink at this greek restaurant she is raving about. the plan is to meet at her and the mr.'s place at around 5 pm and then take a stroll to samos, whereupon we'll have dinner and i'll work my charms and by the end of the night, i should get lucky. i'm really excited about dinner with her as it's been far too long since we've done this. we used to get together once a month and have dinner at her place (mrs.twink, the mr., jamie and myself) but i've since been replaced by theresa ... watch your back, woman!

i adore mrs.twink so much and this is a rare treat for me to go out during the week because i never do. i get up at 4:30 a.m. every morning and i like to be in bed by 10 p.m. to make sure i get at least 6 hours of sleep ... it never happens. so, we made the plans early enough that we'd both have time to eat, talk, have fun and just catch up and still have time to get home and go to bed, though i am a bit jealous because she doesn't have to drive anywhere as opposed to myself who will have to drive all the back out to odenton, which is roughly a 35 min. drive, depending on traffic (as the googlemap flies). next dinner date will be in my neck of the woods!

i kid, my asian princess ... i will gladly drive out to your area to have dinner with you. you're so worth me being a bit tired in the morning at work and tomorrow's friday, so it's not such a bad day to be tired. i don't plan on going out this weekend except for a birthday brunch and that's it, so after work i can just come home and relax and not have to worry about being somewhere later. this is going to be another chill weekend, i think. yay.

wendy's werkers ar teh smrtest peeple in teh werld

today at lunch i had a craving ... it's not a craving i've had in a while but seeing as it's been a long time, i acted on it ... i was hankering for a wendy's double cheeseburger. oh yeah!

i got in my jeep and drove down to wendy's. the drivethru was completely thronged with vehicles so i made an executive decision and went inside where it was still crowded, but still seemed like it would take significantly less time to order and get my grub on.

i ordered a classic double cheeseburger and a large fry for myself and a jr. cheeseburger deluxe for mimi, one of my co-workers. the woman ... wait, let me rephrase that ... the high school aged girl behind the register fucked my order up and we corrected it. no, i didn't want a bacon double cheeseburger with the works, nor did i want a combo meal. i repeated my order and she rang it up. $3.70. that doesn't seem right. i asked her if it was.

pimply girl behind register: oh, i accidentally took off the double cheeseburger. let me put it back on.

she rang it up again and the price--i forget what it was--seemed more correct. so .. done ... i go wait in line to get my food.

somewhere back in the hell that is the wendy's kitchen i keep hearing a voice shouting at people, in one of those fake cheery tones.

disembodied voice: keep on smiling! the customers love service with a smile!
disembodied voice: that's right ... get those chicken nuggets done! that's my man ... my best man on the job!
disembodied voice: all right!! we're moving right along!

now mind you ... the voice is nasally and really starting to bug me and the girl who is standing next to me keeps rolling her eyes. i laugh and we start talking.

me: this place is a circus
woman: i know. remind me not to come here on my lunch ever again.
me: no doubt. especially when you only have 30 minutes.
woman: i know. and that guy is driving me crazy.
me: if i had to work for him i'd shoot myself in the face.
woman: ::laughs:: i don't know if he's being for real or if he's losing it.
me: maybe he's the comic relief?

while we were talking, people's orders are getting fucked up left and right and they keep coming up to the counter to inform the workers that they messed up. all i could do is laugh ... and look at my watch ... i've been there for almost 25 minutes already ... waiting ... where is my lunch?

finally my order is ready and i grab my bag and get the hell out of there as quickly as i can, wishing the woman i was talking to a "good luck" as i head to the door.

at the office i begin to unload my bag. i ordered for two people and got enough food for 5.

what i ordered:

• classic double
• a large fry
• a jr. cheeseburger

what i actually got:

• 2 classic doubles
• 2 large fries
• 2 crispy chicken nuggets
• a jr. cheeseburger
• a mound of barbecue sauce

i checked my receipt ... half of that isn't on here so i got extra shit for free. idiots. i ate the nuggets too because i love them. it was a nice treat. maybe they felt bad because i waited so long. i don't know. i gave the rest of the food i didn't order away.

p.s. i will not be going back there on my lunch break .... ever.

hairy pooter and the order of the sphincter

friday night
this friday i went to pazo out in fell's point with jamie, steven, terri, bob, bill and paul. the food was pretty good, though the portions were very small, even at tapas standards. after we completely destroyed any tapas that were placed on our table, a few of us decided to order 1/2 entrees. jamie and i both got the seared yellowfin tuna. it was mighty tasty except for the sauce it was swimming in and it actually seemed much smaller than many of the tapas we got, so i wasn't too impressed with that aspect. we each got 2 slices of tuna and a small dollop of garlic mashed potatoes. it left me wanting more.

after pazo we all went to the central for some after dinner drinks and we arrived just in time to partake in the drink special (from 9-11). there was this cute new bartender working who was very inconsistent with his pouring. the drinks would be strong ... then they'd be weak. i'm sorry, but i like consistency in my bartenders ... either always make them strong or always make them weak (i'll go to another bartender if the latter). i want the bartenders to make me want to come back for me (not that i would ever quit drinking simply because the drinks weren't strong. no, i'll quit drinking when my liver moves out.)

i left around 1 a.m. because i was just too damned tired to stay out any longer.

saturday night
saturday night was a birthday party for jessica at her place. it was fun and we ordered sushi from sushi-sono--jamie went to pick the food up out in columbia--and we ate in nearly pitch black conditions. oh, did i forget to mention that right before we all got there, a power-line, approximately 20 yards away, had come down, thrusting the neighborhood into darkness. apparently, however, i make really good martinis in the dark.

sunday
sunday we had movie plans to see 'harry potter and the order of the phoenix.' steven and i arrived at the mall early and decided to grab a bite to eat at chevy's, which i think is owned by chevy chase .... is he mexican? we started out with an appetizer of "how you want it" guacamole which meant the poor waitress had to come out to our table and mash up the avocados and add the spices and stuff. mmm, nothing like freshly mushed avocados made from the sweat and tears of migrant workers. oh, wait ... she was white. still, it had the same amazing flavor and wholesome goodness as if it were produced under harsh .50 cent-an-hour conditions. i loved it! for dinner, we each got the trio sampler and it was more food than i had anticipated, but it was very tasty.

afterward, we met up with everyone at the movie theater. jessica had caught up to us as we left the restaurant and as we arrived at muvico, jessica, theresa and the mr. were there and, much to my surprise, mrs.twink. i figured she'd decided to come see the movie with us ... i was wrong. no, instead she went to see 'ratatouille' and, from what i gather, she looked very much like a child predator sitting by herself in a theater full of children. i always had my suspicions. quick! notify the parents in your neighborhood!

jamie's sister showed up shortly after and we all purchased our tickets and went inside where our stubs were taken by a woman with one of the finest goatees i've seen in a long time. it rivaled my own. i was jealous.

ok, so i know the title of this blog makes it sound like i didn't like the movie. that's not it at all. the title, honestly, is for mrs.twink's benefit. i actually enjoyed the movie very much, tho i didn't like it any more of less than the last one. kind of ... the same. it was very dark, however, which i enjoyed as it lends credence to the fact that these movies are moving toward the "not really for children" genre. although it followed the book fairly closely, i did notice quite a few things that were left out of the movie that were in the book, most of them trivial. though, toward the end of the movie there was one bit that i was looking forward to seeing and it was left out. oh well. all that aside, i think this movie had the best end-scene battle sequence than the previous harry potter flicks. the battle between the death eaters and the children was well done and action packed. reducto! the subsequent battle between the death eaters and the aurors and, ultimately, siruis black's death, was also very well done and finally, the end battle between voldemort, dumbledore and harry was very cool. overall, the movie was pretty excellent and ron weasley is really getting uglier.

i got home from the movie and lay down on my bed to watch tv and promptly fell asleep. this, i woke up 3 hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until midnight. i feel really exhausted today but it's probably my own fault. when i couldn't get back to sleep i started watching 'the covenant,' which is like 'the craft' for boys. the boys in this movie, however .... hot! ... especially caleb. yum. he makes me think dirty things. check it out if you haven't' seen it. the movie isn't all that great, but boy ... get a bib ready because drooling is a definite possibility.

otherwise, nothing else really happened this weekend. i have pictures, but will have to post them later as i didn't have time to work on them. hope everyone had a great weekend! what did you do?

the bag-lady cometh ...

so, the 'bag-lady' at work was bothering me today. i call her the bag-lady because that is exactly what she reminds me of. she's very frumpy and her clothing is always mismatched ... stripes with spots? i don't think so, honey! she wears kulots nearly everyday and sandals that expose gnarled toes with yellow nails. i thought she had a french pedicure one time, but it was the dirt under her toenails. i was wondering who would get a black french pedicure. she also has a hearing aid ... wait, let me finish before you judge me. i wasn't going to make fun of it. i was only commenting on it because i don't think she needs it. i think she wears it because she likes to see people enunciate more precisely and talk a little louder, as we fools are wont to do when a deaf person is around us ... she can't hear me ... but if i talk louder, maybe she can feel the vibrations of my voice.

anyway, so the bag-lady has this really long, limp hair that looks like it has just given up trying to stay clean and neat ... it hangs off her scalp in strands of greasy rope. it's rather disturbing. her teeth are jacked ... almost like she was chewing on rocks for breakfast ... oh, that reminds me. my friend darin told me this line that i love and i've been dying to try it out on someone. it goes something like this:

me: have you been eating crackers?
unsuspecting someone: no, why?
me: because your teeth are all crummy. (would it be crumby?)

ah, i love darin. more on him in another posting at another time. this is bag-lady's time in the limelight.

so, anyway ... every so often i like to clean out my drawers at work. not that i'm dirty or anything, but you know how stuff collects. the back portion of my top drawer contains snacks just in case i am feeling a bit peckish. dried apricots, trail mix, a can of almonds, a box of tea, a bag of jolly ranchers, you get the picture. so, i'm placing all this stuff on my desk and disposing of some things when i hear: fwoomp, fwoomp, fwoomp. that's the sound of bag-lady's 3 sizes too large kulots wisping together as she walks. it's almost as if she has a sixth sense for this shit because she turns the corner into my cubicle and just starts staring right into my drawer and i'm like, "son of a bitch!"

me: ::pushing drawer closed:: may i help you?
bag-lady: no, i'm just browsing.
me: mmmhmmm.
bag-lady: whatcha doing?
me: cleaning up a bit and working. what are you doing?

at this point she leans her head down really close to my face and is looking at a newspaper i have on my desk. it's like 2 days old from when we had these really bad thunderstorms and the lead story was this 150 year old church in baltimore that got hit by lightning and caught fire then collapsed in on itself. holy smoke! i notice her hair gives off the faint scent of bacon and i'm disturbed ... yet now i'm craving bacon.

me: um ... you can take it if you want, just bring it back when you're done. i haven't finished reading everything in it. (note: at work it takes me about 4 days to read a newspaper so i only get one a week.)

i pick up the paper and hand it to her hoping that she'll take it and walk away. nope. i couldn't be so lucky. nope, she opens it up, pushing some of my items aside, and sets it on my desk and starts reading this sale paper.

bag-lady: oh, that's what you can buy me.

i look over and she's got one jagged finger stabbing at a patio set.

me: why would i buy that for you?
bag-lady: because you love me.
me: i'm not buying anything for you, just like i refused to teach your son how to drive a standard.

(history lesson: shortly after i started working there, her and i started talking. she was nice ... and i was nice to her. she realized that i drive a stick shift and suddenly wants me to teach her 24 year old son, who doesn't have a license, how to drive a standard. um, no? i refused and she nagged me to teach him for weeks! no lie! that's when i started to really get annoyed with her.)

bag-lady: fine.
me: don't you have to be somewhere? some work to do?
bad-lady: i don't know. maybe i'll stand here and bug you for the rest of the day.
me: ::my heart explodes:: no thanks. ::adopts indian accent:: thank you, come again.

so, she stands there for another 5-10 minutes and i completely ignore her and i'm so irritated at this point because i hate working with someone over my shoulder, which is really beside the point, because i work with confidential material (PHI) and for her to read any information that she doesn't need to do her job is a HIPAA violation.

after what seems like hours, she takes her bacon flavored hair and waddles away ... thankfully. this is just one of the many colorful characters that i have the distinct pleasure to interact with on a daily basis. aren't you so jealous?!

ugh. ok, so i have to go shower now. getting ready to go out to dinner with the crew. hope everyone had a wonderful day and an even better weekend.

until next time.

T.G.I.F. the 13th!

so, it's friday the 13th ... ooooh ... jason, jason, jason, jason, chh, chh, chh, chh, jason, jason, jason, jason, chh, chh, chh, chh. ok, that music used to freak the shit out of me growing up and my brother, seeing the discomfort that it caused me, used to do this trick that always scared me. he'd dry his upper teeth with his shirt and then push his top lip up over them where it would stick and give him this odd half-killer/half-mongoloid look and he'd whisper that song while walking slowly after me in the house. i'd run away, yelling at him to stop.

me: stop it! i'm going to tell dad!
brother: ::eyes wide with a blank stare, whispering:: jason, jason, jason, jason, chh, chh, chh, chh.
me: STOP!!! i hate you!
brother: jason, jason, jason, jason, chh, chh, chh, chh.
me: ::storming into my bedroom and slamming and locking my door:: you're going to hell!
brother: ::stands outside door and rubs his open fingers down it and creating a squeal that broke me::
me: ::crying::
brother: ::laughing::

and people wonder why we don't get along. to this day if he puts his top lip over his upper teeth, it gives me a chill. he's got the face of a killer.

hope you enjoyed that little trip along memory lane ... now, onto more recent issues:

seriously? why, why, why do people brake going up hills? it's unfathomable. i was stuck behind the slowest person in the world today on the way to work and there aren't that many hills, but every time we'd get to one and he'd start up it, he'd ride his brakes. is there some law of physics i don't know about that if you add more resistance to a hill climb that you will make it up with less difficulty? please, someone explain this to me. i can't imagine the thought process of this cooter as he begins his climb ...

old cooter: nice and easy now ... niiiiiice and easy ...

if you've ever been on the phone with me while i am driving, you can probably imagine what i was screaming at the guy. i'm a very angry driver at times, especially when i am behind retarded motorists. finally, another lane opened up and i whipped into it and passed him. he made me late for work this morning. i despise bad drivers and, yes, i lump slow drivers into that same category.

i am so happy it's friday! i have dinner plans at pazo tonight with jamie, terri, bill, steve, paul and bob-ooooooo. afterward, we'll most likely head to the central for drinks. i'm still a little undecided if i will go out afterward. i rather enjoyed my weekend off last week and i seriously wouldn't mind another, so it'll be one of those judgement calls once i am out in the city. and you know me and my judgement ..... it's a little skewed. we shall see. i'm just looking forward to dinner. i think that will be a lot of fun. i guess pazo is a type of place where you go and you basically stay for 3 hours and chat and eat tapas and i do so enjoy conversation. i will have my camera, so expect pictures.

ok, well, that's it for now. i should start posting my blogs later in the day so i can write about things that happen later, but i guess if anything exciting or funny occurs, i'll just have to write another one.

ta.

sssshhhhuuuuuunnnn the non-believer ...

ok. i just have to say that i. love. mrstwink. to. death! she sent me a link the other day at work and i clicked it, unsure what to expect. the following video began playing and i laughed hysterically. so much so that daisy dyke heard me laughing two aisles away, thus dictating that i just had to send it to her so that she may enjoy my mirth. thank you, mrstwink!

enjoy! and if you don't laugh, there is something seriously wrong with you. 'nuff said.


Charlie The Unicorn - Free videos are just a click away

bird attacks, gift cards, haircuts and maggot therapy ...

good afternoon, all. sorry for the late posting, but i was crazy busy at work today. i started with a program that i used only briefly during a training session and then haven't touched since, so it required a fair amount of concentration.

bird attacks
on my first break, around 8:15, i went outside with several co-workers--daisy dyke and mimi--to have a cigarette. yes, i still smoke on occasion, jamie, but i am smoking far, far less than i used to. anyway, while were out there, we're chatting and not really paying attention to our surroundings and i hear this loud squawk and then daisy is off like a flash, leaving mimi and i standing there in awe and curiosity. suddenly two rabid birds with teeth and huge 8-inch talons flap up by our faces ... ok, so they were black birds, but when something like that is flapping in your face, it's a freak of nature! anyway, so we're all screaming and running away. i'm covering my head, bobbing and weaving--ala martha plimpton's character in the goonies--and yelling, "rabies ..... rabieeeeeeeees!" the birds flap up, give us a crotch shot, then wing away, never to be seen again. it was horrifying. i'm beginning to comprehend jamie's fear of birds.

gift cards
later in the day at around 11:45, my boss comes over to me and taps me on my shoulder. i remove my headphones and turn, not expecting it to be her. my initial reaction is, "oh shit ... they've been tracking my blog," then she sweetly informs me that there is lunch waiting for me, provided by the big boss in recognition of all the overtime our team has been pulling over the past almost 3 weeks as we pulled through a mini-crisis. we get our grab-bags of food--700 south deli sandwiches (they are to die for!)--and are then directed into one of the large conference rooms. there's a small amount of pomp and everyone on the team is presented with a certificate of appreciation (i'm mad that i didn't get a gold star and a lollipop!) and an american express gift card for $25. not bad! i later hung my certificate--expertly printed on a colorjet printer with only a slight bleed in color on the copier stock that was used--in my cubicle. yay! i waited for recess, but it never came. i'm telling!

haircuts
2:30 finally arrives and i head out for home. on the way i decide i'm getting a haircut. i park, get out, walk in and see two of my girls working and no customers at all. i'm so happy. sabrina sees me and greets me by giving me a hug. the next words out of her mouth shall forever remain embedded in my memory until the day i die.

sabrina: are you gaining weight, geoff?
me: yes ... yes i am. thanks for noticing.

she's lucky i didn't kirk out and burn the place down. the look i gave her must have given her some indication that i might claw her eyes out because it was then that she tried to recover from the comment and make it sound like a compliment.

sabrina: it looks good on you. you needed meat. you were too skinny. right lisa? doesn't it look good on him? you're not fat ... you're just meatier. (she's rambling and i look at lisa who is like, "oh no ... leave me the hell out of this one.")

seriously? what am i? a t-bone? meatier? how is that ever a compliment? hey there! gee, it looks like you have crisco legs! thanks. seriously, no ... thank you so much.

shortly after, sabrina found a reason to leave the salon as i was getting my hair cut. i got it, she came back, i left, throwing her a scowl on the way out the door. i'll be back ... and i'll have torches.

maggot therapy
ok. i'm seriously disgusted. i turned on the television and it's on some medical thing and i'm like, "ooh, ok ... i can't watch this shit." then they said, 'maggot' and i did a double take. did they just say? yes ... yes they did. they just showed some old guy's foot with gangrene and all this necrotic tissue and they dress it in sterile bandages with maggots on it. my stomach lurches. they refer to them as "nature's micro-surgeons." ick! the kicker is that they "have to be removed in 72 hours or they will turn into flies."

oh. my. god. can you fucking imagine? flies? swarming about your toes? fucking crawling through your bandages then landing on your food! hey! you were just inside my dead foot! get off my sandwich!

i am so disgusted with television, but i have a kathy griffin to watch.

ciao!

i feel a little more stupid ...

we all do it, tho we don't like to admit, but there comes a time when it's unavoidable. we're secretive around our friends about it and only mention it if it pertains to the current conversation or if someone else brings it up ... we make fun of people who do it all the time and we feel shamed when we are forced to.

you might be scratching your heads by now, but i am referring to that time in dire need when you can't help yourself and you walk into ... (dramatic music plays) ... k-mart.

yes ... i am a mere shell of my former self after having set foot in the red and white limbo that is martha stewart's home for wares. as soon as my feet squelched off the sticky linoleum at the entrance way, i should have turned around and walked out, knowing that nothing good can come of this. i should start carrying a full-body condom around in my jeep and don the getup whenever, should the moment arise again, i enter into the orifice of what can only be described as the "rectum of chain stores."

you see, it wasn't without direction that i meandered down the dirty aisles--worthless items on sale sitting eschew on their metal deathbeds--avoiding small clusters of wifebeater-clad yokels and dodging blinding streaks of children running around being chased by overweight mothers shouting, "you wait ::breathe:: until i ::breathe:: catch you!" no, you see ... i was on a mission. i required an item that would make my day at work much more bearable ... i needed ... a desk fan!

so i wound my way across stained floors and stand-alone displays in near total disrepair to the home and office section where i found marcia, the quintessential k-mart employee. marcia seemed normal enough, save for the fact that she was holding an entire conversation with herself about the labels she was currently affixing to the shelves holding notebooks. i cautiously approached.

me: excuse me?
marcia: ::head whipping around as if in surprise:: yes?

i immediately noticed that her right front tooth was missing and her left front tooth looked like butter.

me: um, i'm looking for a small fan to sit on my desk at work. ::making a small circular shape with my hands to show approximate size i needed::
marcia: all our fans is over there. ::points with a hand tipped with fluorescent pink acrylics, which, by the way, do NOT go with her fire-red hair::
me: oh, ok, thank you. ::smile congenially::

i walk over to where she gestured and found the fans ... all of them far too big to be considered for desk-top usage. i sighed. the only one that they had even remotely small enough was one of those clip-on deals that you buy for college kids so they can attach it to their desk. so not getting that one. i turned around and walked away.

i walked in to get one item and i walked out with two: a thin sheen of filth and a mental deficiency.

overheard at the copier (a recurring segment)

my desk, though by design or by torture, has been situated immediately next to an office copier and the ladies' restroom. at first, i found this somewhat disheartening as women are loud when they are in the bathroom while people in general simply talk far too loudly at the copier. sometimes i think a pinata party is going on, it's so loud.

however, i have recently come to the conclusion that this location is prime real estate as i overhear so many juicy and funny conversations. this segment will be a recurring segment and oftentimes i will introduce new players in this office soap opera i currently play a supporting role in. since we have more than one copier, however, i've enlisted the aid of one of my friends: daisy dyke, the resident lesbian.

now, since she can't have her hands in everyone's pants, she has her nose in their conversations ... this is surely a benefit to me as she will undoubtedly supply me with many overlooked gossip that i miss as i am not quite talented enough to be everywhere at once. i am working on that though.

my apologies, however, as i have nothing fun or new to include in this segment at this time. this is more of an introduction than anything, but rest assured, there will be items of note in later installments.

(update: i overheard this after i posted the blog.)

boss lady (talking to a boss-lady from another depatment): i'm going to have [IT-guy] go into the room with you so you guys can hook up.

now, i know she was referring to having ITguy set up cables so they could connect their laptops in the conference room, but when i heard this i laughed and mumbled under my breath, "in my world, honey, that means something entirely different."

the ruing will have to wait ...

whether it's a fortunate or unfortunate circumstance, i'm not sure, but at dunkin donuts this morning, cbm (see post: we don't all love barbra!) was nowhere to be found and she's normally there everyday. i was a little disappointed ... i wanted to see if she would burn my bagel today, her and her vile homophobic ways. jennifer was there and she was sweet as pie ... of course, she generally is. i didn't expect much change from her.

a pleasant surprise today, however, came in the form of a 240 lb black bull dyke named ann. sweet, sweet ann. i knew she was gay the moment my eyes fell on her robust frame and i worked my way into it, to weed out the truth and to confirm my well-placed gaydar.

me: you look tired. you're taking a break already and it's not even 6 o'clock yet. ::smile::
ann: i am tired. that's what i get for staying out too late last night.
me: oh, where did you go?
ann: this place off of route 1 ... we sang karaoke.
me: ooh, fun. what's the place called? i'm not really familiar with any of the bars around here.
ann: ::adopts a thoughtful look on her well-rounded face:: i forget.
me: no worries. yeah, i usually haunt the central or the hippo out in b'more, hon.
ann: awww, yeaaaaaah. (sound it out in your head, people .. that's how she did it) i used to go there all the time. both hippo and central.
me: ::thinking:: and coconuts. (note: i did not verbalize this)
ann: and coconuts.
me: DYKE!!!!! ::throws hot coffee in her face!::

ok, i really didn't do that last part. just wanted to make this an action blog ... lots of stunts and special effects. meh ... honestly, i just feel no more need to relay any more of the conversation as nothing else really pertains to my astounding ability with my gaydar.

so, jamie, unfortunately the ruing will have to wait for another day, but believe you me, as soon as cbm burns my bagel again, we're taking her down! gays around the world: UNITE!! she'll have the worst hair and facials she's ever had in her life!

p.s. i think the homophobe made better iced coffee, but don't tell that to ann ... i must support the troops in the vast gay army.

we don't all love barbra!

so, this morning at dunkin donuts, i outed myself to my coffee bitches. i know what you're thinking ... how could they not know, right? i know. i dress well ... i'm groomed ... i make slight innuendos. anyway ...

for some reaon, the topic of barbra streisand came up. michelle, the coffee bitch manager, started singing, "you don't sing me love songs," by neil diamond and barbra streisand and i blurted out the next verse and her eyes got all big.

michelle, the coffee bitch manager (cbm): i love neil diamond!

i affirmed my love for the man as well ... well, maybe not the man in his 'sling-blade-esque' stature, but his music nonetheless.

cbm: i also love barbra!
me: ::shaking my head:: not i
jennifer (my other coffee bitch): you know who loves barbra streisand? jim.

at this point my spider sense tingled. now, jim is a portly fellow of questionable age who has always been very kind to me. when dunkin donuts was closed one saturday morning, when i went into work, jim opened up for me and gave me coffee at no charge. i gave him 5 bucks anyway and told him to keep it if he wanted, or charge me, whatever. he probably ate it. ok, ok ... that was mean ... however, the next line out of jennifer's mouth was a disparaging comment directed at jim and i wasn't going to have it.

jennifer: jim must be gay if he likes barbra ::laughs::

let me clarify, she is the only one who laughed. michelle has known jim for like 15 years ... she didn't find it amusing. i have known jim for maybe 15 days ... i didn't find it amusing. ok, i actually did, but i wanted to set the record straight.

me: hey now, that doesn't mean anything.
jennifer: gays love barbra.
me: ::clear throat:: not all of them. i'm gay and i can't stand her music.

::dead silence; cbm's mouth hangs open a little:: seriously, was it really a shock?

cbm: did you want your bagel this morning?

homophobes make really good iced coffee.

p.s. i don't really think they're homophobes, but apparently they didn't know i was gay. we'll see how they act towards me tomorrow. don't you discriminate, bitches ... i'll own this dunkin donuts! heyyyyyyyyy.

(edit 6:51 a.m. - ok, maybe they are homophobes ... cbm burnt my bagel. bitch!)

sunday bloody sunday ...

guess what i did today.

absolutely nothing.

and i loved it.

people are stupid ...

this morning i was up fairly early, but relaxed in bed watching "hey paula," which, if you haven't seen it yet, you must! that woman is seriously tapped.

anyway, so i'm watching the show and at around 11 o'clock i decide to get my day officially started. for the record, this is a 'hibernation' weekend. i plan on doing shit ... huddled in my room, avoiding sunlight like the plague, watching tv and totally vegging the fuck out ... maybe even blogging a little bit (hey ... look what i'm doing ... i'm following through!) one thing that was on my mind, however, is that i need my tires rotated and balanced. simple, yes? quick? should be. i might as well get it over and done with.

i get dressed--screw the shower, i'm a leper this weekend!--and hop in my jeep and rumble my way down to the waugh chapel plaza to grab a coffee from caribou. "large hazelnut latte, skim, no foam please," i say in my somewhat cheery, yet 'afraid-of-humans' voice ... i hate that i am having any human interaction on my weekend off.

"sorry, no coffee for you," i hear and i look up at the speaker. this adorable kid named matt--who i haven't seen in forever--is smirking at me, looking all cute. i feel like a pedder now because he's like 19 or 20, but so what. we shoot the shit for a few minutes then he gets back to work and i am hating the fact that he saw me all bummy in my unshaven face and my thrown together ensemble ... ok, that makes me sound like a bum, but honey, being a fag means that you have to dress up to even go out to get the mail. anyway, i figure, hey, the morning is still going good. i'm still stress free. i'm about to get my caffeine fix ... i'm good.

i get my coffee and take my first sip and, like a dumb-ass, burn the roof of my mouth because, gee, the latte won't be hot ... it's only boiling espresso and steamed milk.

::so not amused::

after the throbbing pain goes away--or rather, lessens--i pull a dangling piece of skin from the roof of my mouth and ultimately decide that the coffee is delicious--sans the taste of melted flesh--but i know enough now to let the temperature of my drink drop from nuclear to warehouse fire.

so, i drive down to goodyear to have my tires taken care of. i park. now, since there's no one in sight, the parking lot is almost bare, i'm thinking, "great! get in, get out! done!" i walk to the door. the tinkling of bells heralds my entry and a woman behind the counter sets down her copy of 'ebony' and looks up at me.

woman behind counter (who looks an awful lot like billy dee williams): can i help you?
me: yes, i need to get my tires rotated and balanced.
woman: oh. ::looks behind her into the garage bay:: yeah, it's going to be like a 3 to 4 hour wait.
me: ::i sigh and look at my watch:: (11:45 ... i'm good. i can go run a few errands, come back, get my jeep done, get home, avoid humanity for the rest of the day.) cool, ok. so, when do you close?
woman: today? 3 o'clock.
me: ::blank stare::
woman: ::smiles at me sweetly ... a lando calrissian smirk::

i do the math in my head ... 11:45 a.m. + 3 or 4 hours = 2:45 or 3:45 p.m. i'm wondering how there can be a 4 hour wait if they close at 3. hell, even if i come in at 2:45 and get right in, can this be done in 15 minutes? i refuse to keep mechanics after their end of shift ... i don't want them fucking with my ride. a little cut in the break line here ... a loosening of a bolt there .... done! then my jeep falls apart going 85 on the highway. no thank you.

me: ok, well, how's tomorrow look?
woman: we're closed tomorrow.
me: ::inward groan::

so, in the end, i have an appointment on tuesday at 4 o'clock. who knew this would be an ordeal? i'm going home to lock myself away and nurse my wounded mouth. can you use neosporin on internal injuries?

farewell to a friend ...

jamie (It's bittersweet, but it ain't chocolate) efficiently described last nights 'farewell to cindy' dinner at tom's house and although i didn't know the guest of honor quite as well as i would certainly have liked, i did get to spend some time with her and get to know her. she was with us on the boating trip and we had an amazing day due, in large part, to her presence. she's intelligent, hilarious and obviously caring and kindhearted. she also very stubborn ... it took 11 tries for her to attempt water-skiing out on the chesapeake and the only reason she gave up was because others wanted a go at it. had everyone else been through with their turn, i'm sure she wouldn't have stopped until she managed to get on top of the water and ride the waves.

you know, it's amazing to see how many people truly care about you when something like this arises in a group. you feel like the gathering is going to shatter a bit, but it stays strong and that person is still an integral part, just a little further down the road. she will be missed, that's for sure, but when you chance upon each other again in the future, it'll be all much more special. she's gone, but not 'gone.'


now, the food last night was amazing. tom really outdid himself but had to step away while changing into his formal attire, designating jamie as the resident 'kitchen bitch.' he cut the cheese (no fart remarks, please), the vegetables and then even had time to play with his meat.


we had quite a spread and pictured below is only a portion of our delicious fare. i neglected to take pictures of the appetizers as, well, we picked through them in fairly short order. many of us were feeling a bit peckish while we waited for the remaining guests to arrive. i managed to snag some food to bring here to work today for lunch and, in fact, i'm eating it right now as i type. yum. beeeeeeeeeeef.

(top) cheesy potatoes
(middle) fresh roasted chickens garnished with fresh roasted asparagus
(bottom) roasted terriyaki beef

tomato salad: cheese, onions, tomatoes (duh!) and a vidalia onion vinaigrette

(author's note: yes, jamie, the asparagus made my pee smell funny.)

aside from a bit of melancholy, the night was enjoyable and i was sad that i had to leave early to get home and get to bed, but, i'm a working girl now and i need muh beauty sleep.

out with(out) a bang

well, we ended up not going to see the fireworks and i was completely fine with that. i mean, seriously, you've seen one fireworks display, you've seen them all ... there isn't much you can do to make it different than previous years. sure, you could try and make the finale more spectacular, but at some point you just reach a line that you cannot go beyond, short of dropping a nuke in the middle of the football field.

"well, i guess that's the finale." ::melt::

instead, steven, paul and i stayed at his place and watched 'reno 911: miami'. now, i love the show and i wasn't disappointed with the movie. sure, it was stupid, but so is the show ... i think that's the point.

after the movie i went home and fell asleep watching, 'illusionist' with edward norton. what i remember seeing--which isn't much--wasn't bad at all. i might have to start over when i get home from work today.

well, time to get my day started.

ta

happy 4th!

happy 4th, everyone!

today has been one hell of a lazy day. i didn't even roll out of bed until 2:30ish. it was actually kinda nice. i figure since i've done a shit load of overtime the past week and a half that i deserve a day where i'm a huge fucking potato and that's what today was. yay me!

for dinner, i ate a turkey burger with mayo, ketchup and mustard; macaroni salad and baked beans. my belly hurts. i think i might puke.

i'm off to go see the fireworks with steven, jackson and kristen at ft. meade in a little bit. i might have pictures to post later, not sure. i have a nifty lil fireworks setting on my camera that i am eager to try out and see if it actually does anything worthwhile. we shall see.

everyone's hero

so, i was on a quick break and was walking down to a friend's desk to say hi and see how she is. on the way there i was struck with a sight that made me stop in my tracks. you see, recently my desk moved locations so the route i took to my friend's desk is a new one. a co-worker--we'll call him "terence halethorpe the third"--has a very homey cubicle ... pictures of his kids, his surprisingly attractive wife (terence? yeah, not so much), and the family pets (2 dogs and a kitten) and then what all family men should have in their cubicle ... a wall dedicated to karate and the man of all men ... chuck norris.

i shit you not.

this guy is a fanatic. he has more pictures of walker texas ranger up than that of his actual family. chuck, who i will from this point refer to as 'mr. norris,' is caught in many situations ... his weapon drawn, ducking behind a grease lined barrel ... riding a horse and leaping over a broken split rail fence ... whirling nunchucks through the air with maddening speed ... all these caught in time as mini-posters and photos decorating this guy's cubicle.


makes me want to stab out my eyes.

just had to write about this.

"6 o'clock already i was just in the middle of a dream ...."

it's tuesday.

it feels like a monday.

i got into work this morning at 6 a.m. and i'm fucking tired, but i have tomorrow off, so that's something to look forward to. however, i've been volunteered for overtime today which really sucks because i won't actually get paid overtime pay, due to the holiday. god bless america.

i went shopping at 'bloom' this morning for stuff for lunch. in case you don't know what 'bloom' is, have you heard of 'food lion'? you have? great. 'bloom' is what bought out many of the 'food lion's--if not all--in maryland. but have no fear, folks ... they have the same rancid meats as their predecessor, except now they have a pretty flower on the package. ::excited::

so, anyway, i walked out with some cottage cheese, cantaloupe, a salad of some sort (author's note: the salad was shit. i couldn't quite eat the brown lettuce and spongy pieces of ham and/or turkey substitute with a clear conscience. the cheese was alright, tho. that is all.) and some pepcid complete. that shit better work as fast as they proclaim. i've had heartburn since sunday and i've gone through half a bottle of pepto all to no avail. if i have much more, my poo will be like tar. no thank you.

speaking of poo ...

i "made wind" while driving to work today and the smell was so ferocious--like a cross between sour milk and rotting trash--i almost pulled over to let the jeep breathe and check the undercarriage to make sure i didn't actually hit an animal or a small child and was actually smelling the cooking, road-rashed flesh. i didn't. instead i just hung my head out the window and drove the rest of the way to work. that was actually quite fun. now i see why dogs do it.

now that i've shared my filthy tuesday morning secret with you, i should probably get to work. i think my internet usage is going to start being monitored soon. at least i'm not checking my myspace from work like so many others do. bah.

ta.

monday with a hangover

i'm at work right now and bored out of my mind. i'm waiting for more work to be scanned into the system to i can process some more medical claims, but alas, nothing has been scanned in yet and won't until ups gets here with the delivery. ::sigh::

i'm hungover--the nauseous type--and three aleve have done nothing to touch my headache. i think i need a beer ... a nice, ice-cold, recovery beer. i'm hungover because i went on a boating trip on the chesapeake this weekend with some friends.



we drank ... we swam ... we peed in the water. now i can't wait to get back into a public pool. don't swim behind me.

we also water-tubed and some of us even went water-skiing. oh, no ... no, not me ... i tried a couple of times, but i hurt my left ankle without ever getting upright. so, that and a mouthful/nose-full of brackish chesapeake, deterred me from making further attempts.

(author's note: walking in the shallows in the chesapeake is a lot like i imagine it would feel like if you were to walk through a bowl of chocolate pudding.)

so, now i'm limping around the office a little whenever i get up. i'm beginning to get stares. it's not a dramatic limp ... it sorta looks like i'm constipated.

ok, so, there were 7 of us on the boat, all but 2 being gay (we had 2 straight women with us ... we win!), and if you know anything about gay men, they love to drink. as a result, we had so much beer on board i think we had to count the coolers as a collective 8th person. now, i managed to get sunblock on all my visible body parts while sober, however, i left my legs bare because i wanted to get some sun. mistake. after drinking quite a bit, sunblock, for some odd reason, doesn't play a major role in my thought process and so i ended up with these lobster claws shown below. so, i'm hungover, gimpy and i have sunburn on my legs which makes everything all the more uncomfortable here at work.

what's better is that my legs are still eggshell white in the back, so with my farmer's tan and my half-burnt legs, my coloring is now plaid.

today just isn't my day.

alright ... lunch break is over. back to the boring task of sitting and waiting for work. ::glee::

(author's note: the pictures were not added during my lunch break. some edits were made once i got home.)

introduction

i'm geoff.

i work.

i play.

... mostly work, tho.