the bag-lady cometh ...

so, the 'bag-lady' at work was bothering me today. i call her the bag-lady because that is exactly what she reminds me of. she's very frumpy and her clothing is always mismatched ... stripes with spots? i don't think so, honey! she wears kulots nearly everyday and sandals that expose gnarled toes with yellow nails. i thought she had a french pedicure one time, but it was the dirt under her toenails. i was wondering who would get a black french pedicure. she also has a hearing aid ... wait, let me finish before you judge me. i wasn't going to make fun of it. i was only commenting on it because i don't think she needs it. i think she wears it because she likes to see people enunciate more precisely and talk a little louder, as we fools are wont to do when a deaf person is around us ... she can't hear me ... but if i talk louder, maybe she can feel the vibrations of my voice.

anyway, so the bag-lady has this really long, limp hair that looks like it has just given up trying to stay clean and neat ... it hangs off her scalp in strands of greasy rope. it's rather disturbing. her teeth are jacked ... almost like she was chewing on rocks for breakfast ... oh, that reminds me. my friend darin told me this line that i love and i've been dying to try it out on someone. it goes something like this:

me: have you been eating crackers?
unsuspecting someone: no, why?
me: because your teeth are all crummy. (would it be crumby?)

ah, i love darin. more on him in another posting at another time. this is bag-lady's time in the limelight.

so, anyway ... every so often i like to clean out my drawers at work. not that i'm dirty or anything, but you know how stuff collects. the back portion of my top drawer contains snacks just in case i am feeling a bit peckish. dried apricots, trail mix, a can of almonds, a box of tea, a bag of jolly ranchers, you get the picture. so, i'm placing all this stuff on my desk and disposing of some things when i hear: fwoomp, fwoomp, fwoomp. that's the sound of bag-lady's 3 sizes too large kulots wisping together as she walks. it's almost as if she has a sixth sense for this shit because she turns the corner into my cubicle and just starts staring right into my drawer and i'm like, "son of a bitch!"

me: ::pushing drawer closed:: may i help you?
bag-lady: no, i'm just browsing.
me: mmmhmmm.
bag-lady: whatcha doing?
me: cleaning up a bit and working. what are you doing?

at this point she leans her head down really close to my face and is looking at a newspaper i have on my desk. it's like 2 days old from when we had these really bad thunderstorms and the lead story was this 150 year old church in baltimore that got hit by lightning and caught fire then collapsed in on itself. holy smoke! i notice her hair gives off the faint scent of bacon and i'm disturbed ... yet now i'm craving bacon.

me: um ... you can take it if you want, just bring it back when you're done. i haven't finished reading everything in it. (note: at work it takes me about 4 days to read a newspaper so i only get one a week.)

i pick up the paper and hand it to her hoping that she'll take it and walk away. nope. i couldn't be so lucky. nope, she opens it up, pushing some of my items aside, and sets it on my desk and starts reading this sale paper.

bag-lady: oh, that's what you can buy me.

i look over and she's got one jagged finger stabbing at a patio set.

me: why would i buy that for you?
bag-lady: because you love me.
me: i'm not buying anything for you, just like i refused to teach your son how to drive a standard.

(history lesson: shortly after i started working there, her and i started talking. she was nice ... and i was nice to her. she realized that i drive a stick shift and suddenly wants me to teach her 24 year old son, who doesn't have a license, how to drive a standard. um, no? i refused and she nagged me to teach him for weeks! no lie! that's when i started to really get annoyed with her.)

bag-lady: fine.
me: don't you have to be somewhere? some work to do?
bad-lady: i don't know. maybe i'll stand here and bug you for the rest of the day.
me: ::my heart explodes:: no thanks. ::adopts indian accent:: thank you, come again.

so, she stands there for another 5-10 minutes and i completely ignore her and i'm so irritated at this point because i hate working with someone over my shoulder, which is really beside the point, because i work with confidential material (PHI) and for her to read any information that she doesn't need to do her job is a HIPAA violation.

after what seems like hours, she takes her bacon flavored hair and waddles away ... thankfully. this is just one of the many colorful characters that i have the distinct pleasure to interact with on a daily basis. aren't you so jealous?!

ugh. ok, so i have to go shower now. getting ready to go out to dinner with the crew. hope everyone had a wonderful day and an even better weekend.

until next time.